My friends say I'm insane, standing in the rain, living in this fiction...
So. Friday. I had a counsilling session. But what pissed me off was that for 2 sessions in a row, I've only had half an hour instead of an hour, and I had so much to get off my chest. Anyway, I told her how down I was feeling at the minute and how I miss a lot of friends who things have been really bad with lately. And just how I missed my Dad, and I'm feeling locked up, with my family relationships not being any better. She told me that she was worried about me and did I know that alcohol is a depressant too. I said I did. She has no idea how much I drink. Anyway. So was feeling really shit and hardly talked for the rest of the day. Got home and Mum shouted at me for absolutely no reason. I said I was in a shit mood and she shouted at me more. Saying a load of shit about my Dad just to wind me up. I blocked her out and went to my room to get ready to go to my Sister's. I scrounged a lift off my Brother. I almost died at least 6 times. I should get a lift off him more... got there and my Sister and Brother-In-Law were really glad to see me which was good. She had bought me some chocolate and loads of beer, so I got trashed whilst we played a load of board games, including Monopoly which Ian claims he's never played in his life! Shock. Lol. Watched the final of Playing It Straight - omg so emotional lol, and stumbled to bed with a can. Knocked it over. So Rachel said I could go get another which I did. Sat there in my room for I don't know how long. Seconds, minutes, hours, I don't know, but it felt like a lifetime. I couldn't of felt more empty. All I wanted was for Jacob or Tom W to ring me or text me and tell me everything was going to be okay. But those phonecalls/texts never came. I knew they wouldn't. I eventually fell asleep for around 3 hours and woke up, gradually got ready and we set out to find Bramcote Baths. It took about 25 minutes and we later realised we could of got there in 10 minutes lol. It was really fun anyway, just had a laugh, and after we were all dry and dressed we booked a snooker table for an hour or so and it was Ian against me and Rachel *bursts out laughing*. We lost of course. Because of me. Lol. I ended up potting 3 though!!! Lol. We walked home and had showers, and sat thinking, "what should we do now?". This was about 4pm ish and we didn't want to stay in. Anyway, our plan was to go to the cinemas, then come back and go to The Priory Toby Carvery. My Sister said she could order vodka and cokes for her, and plain cokes for me and just swap them round cos she couldn't drink. I was up for it lol. We went to see The Jacket. It was... confusing. To say the least. Eventually, I got the general gist of the storyline but I'd have to see it again to understand it; Ian's going to get it from work on copy. Anyway, we scrapped the going to The Priory Toby Carvery as Rachel was having a little hormonal moment and couldn't be bothered. We went home and in the end I ended up staying again and we got a take away, while I drunk the vodka I had in my bag and the left over beer. We went to bed at about 1am cos Ian had to be up in 3 hours for work and we were all knackered. Again, I sat up in bed, writing about anything an nothing like usual. That's when I had a fucking panic attack again and ended up sleeping with the light on. I was convinced that every noise and creek was... someone... *sigh*. Woke up at 6:30am and tried to get back to sleep but couldn't so read my book in bed and waited for Rachel to get up cos I didn't want to be downstairs alone. She got up around 10:30am and phoned Ian at work on his break. The plan was to go and meet him from work at midday so we sat out and my god was it a walk lol. We ended up stopping at Beeston Bus Station and meeting him there. I was hoping to see someone but didn't. Our plan was to go to town to look at a few baby things then go back to mine. That was the downer. I'd had a pretty good weekend and now it had to end. We went to Debehnam's and then went back to mine. It was a lovely day and we decided to have a barbeque, so I sat on a deckchair in the sun, and began to finish reading my book, whilst waiting for the barbeque. It was great. I blocked out everyone and it was just like it was the summer holidays. But then the barbeque was ready and I was back in reality. My Brother started calling my friends all the names under the sun for no apparant reason. He called me a goth, and told me that I should go and kill myself with my friends. He said a lot of stuff which really really really hurt and made me REALLY angry as he was calling my friends. I tried to keep silent and block it out but I couldn't. I was going to say to him that he'd regret saying was he said when I really did go and kill myself but I didn't, cos I realised he wouldn't care... he kept throwing comments at me. So I just said, "go and tell your lesbian oh-so-hott-not friend how much you love her". Childish maybe, but it hit a nerve. Bigtime. Cos he does fucking love her, and he is a fucking knob and if he thinks he can call the closest people to me; he's more wrong than he knows. He shut up. It was all deadly silent for about 2 minutes before he just launched at me... because I was more mad than anything at the time, I launched right back at him. I tried to hit him but didn't succeed to hurt him. He pulled my hair and hit me several times but then Ian broke it up. He stormed out and went out in the car. At that moment, I hoped he had a car crash. I felt more guilty than anything for thinking it but all he causes me is hurt and pain, and I just want him out of my life for good. He came back after about an hour cos Mum had to drive Rachel and Ian back home. I made sure it was her who drove them home cos from now on, I don't want my Sister been driven around by that knobhead while she's pregnant, cos he just totally doesn't care. I came with them for my own safety and on the way back it was shit. My Mum had a go at me. Partly for the fight with Ben, partly for just living. I started arguing back but then just couldn't, and just sat there being screamed at wishing I could just end it all without being hated... I went straight to bed when we got home, not wanting to be in a room when both of them would go for me. Today was shit. Nothing to say... then my Dad rang me before which made me feel more empty. I'm going to his next weekend and he started booking my ticket on the internet tonight. I think I'll be getting his credit card again hehe. The one he told me has a limit of over £10,000 =| haha. I asked exactly how much but he refused to tell me which means it could be £20,000 or £30,000 or more lol. It was just really good hearing his voice but made me want to cry too. I'd be seeing him this weekend but there is a family party which I don't want to go to, especially if my Uncle's there but it's my Auntie's Sister's Husband who's party it is and his wife (my Auntie's Sister) is a alcoholic. It's like we just have an understanding. We can talk for hours, and I really understand her when everyone else is just disappointed, and vise versa. She said I even stopped her from killing herself once... a 15 year old stopping a 40 odd year old from killing herself... I felt proud that I had managed to. So maybe it'll be something to look forward to (the party I mean). I'll be getting battered of course and there will be a LOT of booze there. Plus it's in Warsop so maybe I'll be able to see my friend there =). Wow, what a long update... year 11's are leaving on friday =(. S'gonna be sad. They will be well missed. Especially Tina and Scott on the bus in the morning being stupid and singing and things hehe. I'll never forget they're protest! All be proud of 2005's year 11's!!! Maths, Science, and Health and Social Care exams all day tommorow, with an after school Health and Social Care lesson. I think that's all for now... x Lottie x