very much a human.
i feel very much like a human today.
at this juncture of my life, right now, i am overwhelmed by emotions. i feel blessed to be able to dance everyday as much as i do with perfectly normal limbs, a pumping heart and with air in my lungs. i feel sad that the boy who used to try to convince me to believe in myself and to have faith doesnt do so anymore. i feel like im being pushed away by him and that frustrates me. i feel insignificant and small. i am touched to see my srethgie dancers working so hard and having the discipline to train to be better. i feel angry that love has yet to find me. i miss mumbles. i love that i have friends who have flown overseas that still remembers my existence. yet i cant help but feel robbed of the opportunity to get to know them more now that theyre so far away. i worry that i am failing as a co-captain. i still carry a wistful sadness in my chest for all the people i have loved but have left. i hate time for moving so fast. i thank god for the pantherawr girls who are trudging through my first dance competition with me. i am embittered by the fact that my first investment of love was wasted on someone that im not even sure exists. i feel foolish waiting. i ache in my muscles and in my bones. i feel pushed away, disempowered and helpless in my responsibilities. i feel played that i finally got to know a good friend more only to have him leave this country in a few months' time. i am glad that my immediate family members are alive and well. i am annoyed by the state of my house; it has so much potential. i am humbled by my dance-mate chin. it hurts that the people whom i thought cared about me have transferred their attention care and concern to other more prominent figures in their lives now. no longer do i have the confidence to call myself a netballer. i wish i didnt feel like i can only be a dancer or a netballer at a given point in time. why cant i be both? im disappointed that my hard work cant be seen by others. i am sorry to my friends who feel neglected by me. i wish i had more time but i wish time would slow down. i want to get to know and be greater, much closer friends with a few acquaintances. i cant quite decide if i want my parents to watch me dance. i am lost and struggling in my academia like a kitten in deep waters. the cavity in my chest feels so full with love. it all feels kinda hollow inside yet i feel burdened by a heaviness within. at this moment, i am angry, loved, sad, touched, frustrated, yearning, wishing, hurting, laughing, waiting, thinking. i am overwhelmed by everything in such a wonderfully painful way it makes me want to cry.
today, i feel human.
at this juncture of my life, right now, i am overwhelmed by emotions. i feel blessed to be able to dance everyday as much as i do with perfectly normal limbs, a pumping heart and with air in my lungs. i feel sad that the boy who used to try to convince me to believe in myself and to have faith doesnt do so anymore. i feel like im being pushed away by him and that frustrates me. i feel insignificant and small. i am touched to see my srethgie dancers working so hard and having the discipline to train to be better. i feel angry that love has yet to find me. i miss mumbles. i love that i have friends who have flown overseas that still remembers my existence. yet i cant help but feel robbed of the opportunity to get to know them more now that theyre so far away. i worry that i am failing as a co-captain. i still carry a wistful sadness in my chest for all the people i have loved but have left. i hate time for moving so fast. i thank god for the pantherawr girls who are trudging through my first dance competition with me. i am embittered by the fact that my first investment of love was wasted on someone that im not even sure exists. i feel foolish waiting. i ache in my muscles and in my bones. i feel pushed away, disempowered and helpless in my responsibilities. i feel played that i finally got to know a good friend more only to have him leave this country in a few months' time. i am glad that my immediate family members are alive and well. i am annoyed by the state of my house; it has so much potential. i am humbled by my dance-mate chin. it hurts that the people whom i thought cared about me have transferred their attention care and concern to other more prominent figures in their lives now. no longer do i have the confidence to call myself a netballer. i wish i didnt feel like i can only be a dancer or a netballer at a given point in time. why cant i be both? im disappointed that my hard work cant be seen by others. i am sorry to my friends who feel neglected by me. i wish i had more time but i wish time would slow down. i want to get to know and be greater, much closer friends with a few acquaintances. i cant quite decide if i want my parents to watch me dance. i am lost and struggling in my academia like a kitten in deep waters. the cavity in my chest feels so full with love. it all feels kinda hollow inside yet i feel burdened by a heaviness within. at this moment, i am angry, loved, sad, touched, frustrated, yearning, wishing, hurting, laughing, waiting, thinking. i am overwhelmed by everything in such a wonderfully painful way it makes me want to cry.
today, i feel human.