daydreamer.
i dont know how ive given this space up over time to dust and cobwebs. perhaps ive begun to realise how this space has got to go someday soon. i write because i dont want to forget. what is my mind but a faulty camera? wiped out and erased.
i havent been writing in my journal as much as id intended to. most days im just too tired to bear thinking about the day/ week and the various emotions id felt to pen them down. thing is, that was entirely why i keep a journal- to document the things that made me feel horrible and to remind me about the things that made me warm and fuzzy inside. yet lately, i just couldnt bear to do that and i cant figure out why. perhaps it's exhaustion. my physical body is falling apart and my mind is in dead-lock. i actually believe my refusal to think is actually a defense mechanism of sorts. because of that belief, im refusing to see my life even in the nearest of futures. i live a day at a time. im not doing my readings. im not doing my tutorials. idk what's going on in school. i make list after list after list of things to be done for dance because im afraid of failing as co-captain. but it all seem so contrived and inadequate.
(all this is making me binge unknowingly. fan.tas.tic. sigh.)
oh so inadequate. i just want to give more and be more.