evidence
Each time I see you, I have physical evidence of hurt.
When we had sex and I bled. I was sore for days.
There's a new blister on my pinky toe from when I wore the wrong shoes thinking I was picking you up from the station. Instead we walked around for an hour.
I have fresh tears every few hours.
I thought about how you said you'd lived some life.
I feel so far away from you; so small, so worthless.
I picture your name and how two words have taken on a life of their own. Created a meaning that never existed before. Foreign but vital.
You scare me. You've always scared me.
I can't remember why I loved anyone before you.
I know this storm is a private one I can never share with you.
I'm sure you're so many steps ahead in this timeline.
I've wanted people so much before that I lost myself completely. I have cried & cried & cried.
I prayed. I've spent years convincing myself it was love. I promised myself years ago that I'd walk away from the next one if it wasn't working. That I could survive her so I could survive anything.
I never learn. I never heal.
I asked you what you were chasing.
I asked you if all your relationships followed the same pattern.
You never answered.
I let your silence say it all; tell me everything I need to know.
I want you in every selfish way.
I want you to never want anyone else.
I want you to feel I am the one.
I want you to pray to fucking God to be with me. For me to feel the same.
I never ask what you need from me.
For once in my fucking life, could this be different? Could I be different?
Could I love you, truly love you, without destroying myself? Could this be love because I finally want to change to be good enough for you. Whole enough. Not in love with the idea of two fractured people making each other whole.
I'll tell you everything, if you want.
I'll tell you in all manner of ways how I need you for all the wrong reasons.
When you look at me, what do my eyes say? I'm searching for something beyond what I'm capable of expressing.
I'm hoping that you feel my vulnerability and longing and it counts for something.
When we had sex and I bled. I was sore for days.
There's a new blister on my pinky toe from when I wore the wrong shoes thinking I was picking you up from the station. Instead we walked around for an hour.
I have fresh tears every few hours.
I thought about how you said you'd lived some life.
I feel so far away from you; so small, so worthless.
I picture your name and how two words have taken on a life of their own. Created a meaning that never existed before. Foreign but vital.
You scare me. You've always scared me.
I can't remember why I loved anyone before you.
I know this storm is a private one I can never share with you.
I'm sure you're so many steps ahead in this timeline.
I've wanted people so much before that I lost myself completely. I have cried & cried & cried.
I prayed. I've spent years convincing myself it was love. I promised myself years ago that I'd walk away from the next one if it wasn't working. That I could survive her so I could survive anything.
I never learn. I never heal.
I asked you what you were chasing.
I asked you if all your relationships followed the same pattern.
You never answered.
I let your silence say it all; tell me everything I need to know.
I want you in every selfish way.
I want you to never want anyone else.
I want you to feel I am the one.
I want you to pray to fucking God to be with me. For me to feel the same.
I never ask what you need from me.
For once in my fucking life, could this be different? Could I be different?
Could I love you, truly love you, without destroying myself? Could this be love because I finally want to change to be good enough for you. Whole enough. Not in love with the idea of two fractured people making each other whole.
I'll tell you everything, if you want.
I'll tell you in all manner of ways how I need you for all the wrong reasons.
When you look at me, what do my eyes say? I'm searching for something beyond what I'm capable of expressing.
I'm hoping that you feel my vulnerability and longing and it counts for something.