differently
I miss you in a groundless way.
Of course, the stuff of fantasies.
You’re so easy to love and you’re so casual and you’re so open.
I’m so hard to love and neurotic and closed.
I wait for your text,
the next tiny dopamine hit.
It’s not enough but it’s better than nothing.
Or so I tell myself.
We’re not seeing each other.
I wish I could be in your body for just 5 minutes,
just to know exactly how little or much I cross your mind.
I know all the theory.
I’m supposed to not get ahead of myself,
live a full and rich life with or without someone,
believe I am worthy and enough and whole,
carry myself with that belief,
put faith into the universe I will get what I want,
not romanticise the mediocre reality of things,
not desire someone to sweep me off my feet,
not be preoccupied with the idea of a relationship,
communicate clearly without fear of rejection,
focus on your actions, not your words,
unless the words are hard to say.
Has anything been hard for you to say to me?
The same way the words can’t come out of my mouth
whenever I see you or speak to you.
Currents of desires in an ocean of fears.
You feel unsafe as much as I want to feel safe with you.
I fast track our intimacy,
because you don’t give me time.
We want each other differently.
It’s been years since I felt this familiar longing,
this same place of lacking,
this impossibility of winning you,
until it’s too late or until my heart eats itself with hurt.
Of course, the stuff of fantasies.
You’re so easy to love and you’re so casual and you’re so open.
I’m so hard to love and neurotic and closed.
I wait for your text,
the next tiny dopamine hit.
It’s not enough but it’s better than nothing.
Or so I tell myself.
We’re not seeing each other.
I wish I could be in your body for just 5 minutes,
just to know exactly how little or much I cross your mind.
I know all the theory.
I’m supposed to not get ahead of myself,
live a full and rich life with or without someone,
believe I am worthy and enough and whole,
carry myself with that belief,
put faith into the universe I will get what I want,
not romanticise the mediocre reality of things,
not desire someone to sweep me off my feet,
not be preoccupied with the idea of a relationship,
communicate clearly without fear of rejection,
focus on your actions, not your words,
unless the words are hard to say.
Has anything been hard for you to say to me?
The same way the words can’t come out of my mouth
whenever I see you or speak to you.
Currents of desires in an ocean of fears.
You feel unsafe as much as I want to feel safe with you.
I fast track our intimacy,
because you don’t give me time.
We want each other differently.
It’s been years since I felt this familiar longing,
this same place of lacking,
this impossibility of winning you,
until it’s too late or until my heart eats itself with hurt.