"Who Woulda Thought: The Continuing Adventures of Hawkeye and BJ", MSTed, Part Three
Title: Black Hole IV: The Ever-Tolerant 50s, Part Three
Author: Bad!fic by MF. MST by Sara and Kelly.
Summary: The final installment in the “Who Woulda Thought” series is MSTed.
Disclaimer: The characters aren’t ours or MF’s. Be exceptionally thankful for the latter.
A/N: And finally! This one is huge, so we did it a bit differently, and gave the characters breaks after each part, so we could randomly add character bickering. We think it’s funny, but skip over it if you’d rather not read about Snape threatening to turn House into a toad. =P Part One is here, on Sara's journal, and Part Two is here, also on Sara's journal.
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"Pierce, Benjamin." The man at the hotel handed him a key. B. J. carried the bags to the elevator. "We're in suite 902." Hawkeye hit button 9 and the elevator started. The two were tired from a long day of flying, and wedding. They wanted nothing more than to go to sleep and hold each other. Hawkeye opened the door to the room, and to their surprise, Champaign was on ice, dinner had just been delivered, and the hot tub in their bathroom was bubbling in anticipation for the arrival. A note stood on the dinner tray.
"Dear B. J. and Hawkeye, I have a friend in the hotel. He made sure everything would be ready when you got there. I hope its to your liking. Congratulations, guys! ~Maxwell Q. Klinger"
Peg: Why is the note in quotes? Did it read itself?
Sidney: They put an Illinois city on ice?
BJ: "A long day of flying, and wedding." It's like the ceremony took all day.
Peg: And we have a delightful comma splice.
Hawkeye: I'm always amazed when she has bouts of IC-ness, because that's something Klinger would actually do.
BJ: It is kind of funny. Out of nowhere, a character will be IC for a few lines. You never know when to expect it. It's like a random treat every now and again.
Hawkeye: It encourages us to keep going, really.
Peg: A note stood on the dinner tray? It has feet?
Sidney: Maybe it was an origami note.
Hawkeye: A magically animated one, at that, since it read itself.
"That little scrounge never could resist a gift that no one else could think of," B. J. said, laughing. He opened the cover. Dinner was ham and pineapple shish kabobs. "Shall we eat, my love?"
"Bring it to the hot tub, and I'll grab the whine."
Peg: (as the whine) “I don't want to go into the hot tub, it's too warm! Ugh, put me down! You guys are so lame. This isn't any fun!”
BJ: Why am I insulting Klinger when he did something thoughtful?
Hawkeye: Because... actually I have no idea.
Sidney: Ham and pineapple shish kebabs. Let's not only stereotype women, homosexual men, and San Francisco, but also Hawaii!
Trapper: Stereotyping is easier than being original.
Charles: How does one open a cover? I thought one usually lifted covers.
Hawkeye opened his eyes as the sun filtered in through the curtains. He felt B.J.'s arm protectively draped over his midsection, and the younger man curled around him lovingly. The room wasn't his own, nor did Hawkeye recognize it. Memories of the day before came flooding back at once. Wedding. Tux. A kiss. Airplane. Lots of alcohol. Wonderful sex. B. J. Hunnicut-Pierce. The room was spinning. All Hawkeye knew was that he was now a married man. Married man to the most wonderful man he'd ever met. He felt B. J. stir lightly. Hawkeye turned over to face his new husband.
"Good morning, love." B. J. smiled and snuggled into his chest. "Sleep well?"
"Mmmm. Very."
BJ: Okay, the sap needs to stop.
Hawkeye: The sap is hilarious.
Trapper: It's so damn bad.
Hawkeye: I mean, Beej, just try to imagine yourself calling me "love."
BJ: *laughs uncontrollably*
Hawkeye: See! Exactly what I mean.
Sidney: Okay, fragments can work stylistically, but they would at least have to make sense. Why is he emphasizing "tux,” “a kiss,” and “airplane."?
Peg: The kiss, I can understand, sort of, because it was after they said their vows. But the rest?
Trapper: Okay, sure, they're married, but they've also been together for the better part of five years, right? How big of a difference can it be?
Hawkeye: Uhh... yeah, I’ve got nothing.
Trapper: I was hoping it made more sense to you.
Hawkeye: Nope. Remember, she's the anti-sense. There is no sense to be made.
"Good. Its almost 9:00 What shall we do with ourselves today?"
"What shall we do with each other?"
"I like how you think, Hunnicut." Hawkeye kissed him deeply.
Author's quick note: Large bits pulled out for content.
Everyone: THANK GOD.
Charles: I am so grateful for that author’s note, I shall not even mind it being there.
Hawkeye: ...isn't he supposed to be Hunnicutt-Pierce now?
Sara’s Voice: Hawkeye, dear, listen to me-the M*A*S*H writers themselves couldn't even keep their continuity. Why ever are you expecting it from a really bad fanfiction writer?
Kelly’s Voice: That's right. Hawkeye's sister.
Hawkeye: My... sister?
Sara’s Voice: You had a sister for one episode. It was special.
Kelly’s Voice: And your mom was originally alive.
Hawkeye: Wow.
Sidney: Is adding an apostrophe to it's really that hard?
Peg: Sidney, you've been asking that for the entire story. The answer is obviously yes.
Sidney: I know, but it's so basic. She can capitalize random words, but not hit the apostrophe key. That's just bizarre.
Trapper: Maybe it's broken?
Sidney: That would explain why they seem to avoid contractions.
Hawkeye: Or maybe we've just been spending too much time with Charles-sorry, Charlie the third.
Charles: *glares*
Peg: Ignore him, Charles.
BJ: But he lives across the country, Hawk. *pauses, thinks about that for a second* So, in this story, we might be.
Sidney: Maybe that's where you're going for the extra week and six days?
Hawkeye: To hang out with Charles? Could be.
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"Daddy!" Maggie called reaching for B. J.
"Did you have a good trip?" Peg asked. Hawkeye hugged Peg.
"Wonderful, thanks. And thank you for watching the kids. Where's Daniel?"
"He's with Alex and the boys. The airports are too crowded for 1 person with 5 children. Welcome home." Peg hugged B. J. and grabbed a suitcase. Maggie flew into Hawkeye's arms.
Trapper: Maggie can fly?
Colonel Potter: Who taught her that?
BJ: I am so unsurprised by that.
Peg: We're still not writing out numbers, I see.
Sidney: Who does that? Besides those who write properly, I mean.
Charles: Of course, Peg is again their babysitter.
Peg: How would it be five children if I brought one more? The math doesn't add up.
Trapper: Maggie, Erin, Daniel, Andy, and Jake. Though only Maggie seems to be there.
Charles: Which is altogether extremely unsurprising.
Peg: But... the boys are with Alex, so if I had brought Daniel... I’m getting a headache.
Charles: *patiently hands Peg some aspirin and a glass of water* I warned you about the logic.
Peg: I think I'll listen next time.
"Hi Shortcake. Did you have a good week with Peg and Erin?"
"Yeah, but Daddy's in trouble."
"Why? What did he do?"
"Alex wants the fence up again for a while," Peg said as they got into the car. "To give you two some privacy."
"I thought it was because you still love Daddy, and Alex got mad," Maggie said. Peg's eyes shot open. She looked at B. J. for a minute. "What's wrong?"
BJ: Shortcake is the dumbest pet name for a kid ever.
Hawkeye: Really.
Peg: When were my eyes closed?
Charles: *simultaneously* Were Peg's eyes closed for that entire time?
*Peg and Charles look at each other*
"Maggie, sometimes we talk about things you really shouldn't repeat," B. J. told the 4 year old. "And when it is something important, you can tell me, or Papa, or Peg, or Alex alone. Not when we're all together, because it makes us feel funny sometimes, okay?"
"I'm sorry," she said, tears coming to her eyes. B. J. pulled her onto his lap as Hawkeye started to drive.
"Please don't cry, sweetie. I know Peg loves me. I'll always love her, and she'll always love me. But its a different kind of love than what me and Papa have. Its a different kind of love than she has with Alex."
"Then why is Alex mad at us?"
Sidney: Wait, what? Maggie should be five, turning six-it’s 1959.
BJ: Being in a moving car with a kid on your lap is not intelligent.
Hawkeye: Well, BJ, you’re smart, but we don't know anything about Bennett.
"Alex isn't mad at you, Daddy and Papa. He's mad at me. He just wants things to quiet down a bit." Maggie nodded and curled up in B.J.'s lap. She was soon asleep.
"Peg, what's really going on?"
"We're getting divorced. He's taking the boys to live with his mother in Idaho. He's taking Andy. There's nothing I can do. He could get Erin, Maggie and Daniel taken away from all of us if we fight him." Peg wiped tears from her eyes.
"I'll talk to him," B. J. said firmly.
Charles: Alex has put up with this ridiculousness far longer than I would have.
Peg: Definitely.
Sidney: Okay, is he taking both boys or just Andy?
Hawkeye: Both, but Andy's the important one because he's Peg's biological son.
Everyone else: *stares at Hawkeye*
Peg: How do you remember that?
Hawkeye: *shrug*
“Don't, B. J. We could lose them all. I've talked to a lawyer, and he said not to fight him. He's got a good case. I'm letting my children live with gay men, and the courts frown on homosexual couples. We really could lose them all. Once they are taken away, we won't get them back. There was a similar case recently. I don't want to lose all of my children."
"You shouldn't have to lose any of them, Peg."
"We're also selling the house."
"Where will you live?" B. J. asked, alarmed.
BJ: Her children, plural? Only Erin and Andy are hers.
Trapper: And only one of those two lives with the ladies Hunnicutt-Pierces.
Hawkeye: At least she's got a semblance of realism going on here.
Colonel Potter: Which is damn surprising.
BJ: Though really, does Alex have to be a jerk? I don't blame him wanting to leave, but he did say he liked me.
Peg: Obviously, if you're not willing to be a doormat and second to your spouse's ex, you're evil.
Hawkeye: Of course he has to be evil. It contributes to her "plot."
Sidney: Plot? There's a plot? Seriously? Where?
Colonel Potter: I see Hunnicutt is worried about losing the free babysitter.
Trapper: He might have to actually be a parent.
Peg: Those poor kids.
"I found an apartment a few miles away."
"Forget about it. You'll live with us. We'll put Erin and Maggie together and you can have the other bedroom. You can move in on Saturday." Hawkeye said, ending the discussion of an apartment. "It leaves the spare room for the kids to play in. You'll be even closer to Erin. Think about it, Peg. No rent to worry about, two men who will take care of you." Peg nodded in agreement.
Hawkeye: Raise your hand if you saw that coming three miles away wearing sunglasses in the pitch black of night. *raises hand*
BJ: *raises both hands*
Everyone else: *raises hand*
Hawkeye: Thought so.
Peg: Oh god, do you realize how dirty what Hawkeye said sounds? "Two men who will take care of you."
BJ: Gee, Peg really took a lot of time to think about it. A whole two seconds.
Hawkeye: Well, she wanted to keep being the unpaid babysitter, and apparently became the third member of our marriage.
Trapper: Kinky.
Sidney: Bunch of bigamists.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
June 12, 1959
Again, the reunion came at the whim of its runner, Col. Potter, and was set up on his old farm. The boys would be staying in the Swamp, and Peg would bunk in Margaret's tent with Erin and Maggie. It seemed only fitting to the wise old owl to have a Houlihan in that tent. Mildred went around the makeshift camp, fluffing pillows, and putting flowers in vases. She looked at the Swamp, and frowned. Sherman had build a still, and tracked dirt into the tent.
"What are you doing, Mother?" Sherman called, in alarm. "It took me an hour to arrange that dirt!"
"Just because it's The Swamp doesn't mean it needs to be a swamp."
Sidney: Okay, is there a reason we're having the five year reunion six years after the fact?
Hawkeye: MF is obviously not very good at math.
Peg: Hey, its is finally appropriate somewhere!
BJ: I still don't understand this "rebuilding the camp" thing.
Colonel Potter: Why on Earth would you describe me as an owl?
Trapper: Uh, why did he arrange dirt?
Hawkeye: We still haven't found that guidebook?
Trapper: Nope.
Hawkeye: Damn. I'll keep looking.
BJ: And he built a still? Well, he "build" a still.
Sidney: Apparently, "Sherm" missed the memo about them giving up alcohol, even though Hawkeye stopped drinking in Korea.
"Pierce and Hunnicut won't recognize the place without it, so be so kind as to put it back, love." Mildred shook her head and left the dirt. She loved her husband, but rarely understood him. "Also, fluffing pillows won't make a bean's difference. Hawkeye'll punch it down, toss for an hour, then throw it at Winchester for some reason or another, and go to sleep without it. Its how these men work."
"Sherm, Hunnicut and McIntyre used the same bunk. How's that going to work?"
Peg: Trapper/BJ?
BJ and Trapper: *stare at Peg*
Kelly’s Voice: It's been written.
Peg: Maybe BJ will fall in love with Trapper and kiss him and then Hawkeye will run away for another two years.
Hawkeye: But we're married now. *pauses, considers that* I say like it would deter him.
Sidney: Remember how quickly Bennett falls in love?
Charles: Instantly, as soon as someone is attracted to him.
"Easy. Trapper'll come for the first three days, leave without a good-bye, and B.J.'ll show up, capture the heart of Pierce, and all will be well," he said, slightly annoyed. "Trapper has offered to sleep in the fourth bunk. Mother, stop worrying. This one will turn out better than the last one. No one'll pin anyone's significant other, and cause everyone to leave after 1 day. Now, Pierce, and Hunnicut will be here tonight with Peg, Erin, Maggie, and Daniel. I got Cheryl's old crib from Cory. We should put it between Hawkeye and B. J., since its their baby." Mildred rolled her eyes, kissed her husband's forehead and left.
Hawkeye: Okay, that first line did actually make me laugh. But I can't picture Colonel Potter saying it.
BJ: That's a very ‘you’ line.
Trapper: Personality transplants now?
Peg: ...she spelled out "fourth", but not one.
Charles: And three.
Sidney: Yeah, no rhyme or reason.
Charles: Absolutely no sense to be found.
Sidney: So I won't ask why Hawkeye and BJ would sleep apart.
Peg: They're in cots. Remember, re-creating the camp?
Hawkeye: Sherm is very authentic. Right down to the dirt.
It wasn't long after that the first guests arrived. Hawkeye and B. J. unloaded the kids and brought them to where Margaret's tent would be set up. B. J. smiled. Col. Potter had even copied the sign on the door, with a few minor changes. It read: Maggie Houlihan, Erin Hunnicut, and Peg Sanders. B. J. took the paint can and redid the sign. Sanders was changed to Hunnicut, and all was right with the world.
"Oh, hello, Hunnicut," came an annoyingly familiar voice from behind.
"Frank, what are you doing here?"
"Igor lives down the road from me. His daughter told my daughter about the reunion. I decided to invite myself. Where's Margaret?" B. J. rolled his eyes and walked away.
BJ: We're back to Col. Potter.
Sara’s Voice: Peg, are you related to a Greg Sanders at all?
Kelly’s Voice: ...ohgod, you hurt my mind.
Peg: Sorry, I don’t think so.
Hawkeye: BJ, you bigamist.
BJ: I can’t even spell my name right.
Trapper: I think you were right, Hawk. Peg is a part of your marriage now.
Sidney: So, BJ changed Sanders to Hunnicut and all was right with the world? That's all it took? Changing her name? And there are no more wars, poverty, racism, hatred, etc?
"Go away, Frank," he warned. Hawkeye came out of the girls' tent and almost fell over in shock. "Hey, Hawk, look who decided to invite himself to the party."
"You have three seconds to remove yourself from my sight, Frank Burns." The door to the tent opened.
"Daddy?" a small voice whined lightly. "Papa, who is that?" Hawkeye took his daughter's hand. "Hi, I'm Maggie. Margaret Jane Houlihan Pierce. I'm named after my Mommy."
"Ah, so your Mommy IS here!"
Charles: Who is this elusive "he"?
Hawkeye: What's with the utter anger at Frank? I mean, sure, he was a jerk, but that strong of a reaction?
BJ: Yeah, I don’t know. Maybe he’s the ultimate in evil now.
"Margaret couldn't make it, you jackass. She died almost 6 years ago. When Maggie was born." Hawkeye was boiling mad at this point. Frank snarled at him.
"Who asked you? Nit wit." Frank knelt down to Maggie. "I know your mommy is here somewhere. Can you tell me where?"
"Papa, is mommy really Here?" Hawkeye lifted her up.
"Short cake, we talked about that. Mommy can't ever come back from where she is. Just like Grandpa Daniel and your turtle, George. She was very sick when you were born, and went to heaven." B. J. and Trapper grabbed Frank by the arms and dragged him into the Swamp.
Peg: Is Maggie's pet name Shortcake or Short cake?
Hawkeye: Yes.
Peg: Thanks.
Trapper: I thought BJ walked away.
Hawkeye: Why drag Frank away? As I recall, he was pretty terrified of Trapper.
Sidney: Why is here capitalized?
Charles: It is the name of Colonel Potter's... well, we shall call it a ranch.
Sidney: Oh. Okay.
Charles: It is the only explanation I have.
Sidney: It works for me.
"Hey, let me go! Col. Potter!"
"You listen, and you listen good, Frank. That is my daughter, and if you even look at her, I swear on everything holy, you will regret the day you were born. Got it?" B. J. said very low and very quietly.
"I thought she was Margaret and Hawkeye's..."
"Hawkeye is my husband, that is one of our two children. You don't even look at her or Daniel. Do you understand?"
"You're a homo-" Frank didn't finish his sentence. Trapper had clamped a hand over his little mouth.
Sidney: Col. Potter in narrative is bad enough, but in dialogue? That’s just wrong.
Hawkeye: ...is BJ calling Frank a pedophile? Sure, Frank was a rat, but a pedophile?
Peg: I think he just doesn't want Frank talking to your kids.
Hawkeye: But... “if you even look at her.”
Peg: I don't know.
Hawkeye: Frank was afraid of Trapper, not BJ. If anyone's threatening Frank, it should be me and Trapper.
Sidney: I'm kind of stuck on Col. Potter in dialogue. Who does that?
Peg: Someone too lazy to type out "onel".
Sidney: Oh. Well, that it explains it. The ending of Colonel looks too much like a number.
Charles: And those can only be typed under obscure circumstances.
Sidney: Exactly.
"I said, do you understand?" Frank nodded. "And one more thing, don't mention Margaret Houlihan to any of these people. No one was happy to hear of her death, and there are some who haven't heard. Ben's going to make an announcement. Don't you dare embarrass him. Got it?" Again, Frank nodded. "Are you going anywhere near Maggie, Erin and Daniel?" Frank shook his head.
"I'll keep an eye on him," Trapper said, towering over the little man. "Its gonna be an interesting week, isn't it, buddy?" Hawkeye entered with Maggie, who was crying for B. J.
"Come see Daddy, Sweet heart. What's wrong?"
Hawkeye: Frank wasn’t that short. In fact, he was only a couple of inches shorter than Trapper, so "towering" may not be the best word.
BJ: You still expect proper word choice?
Hawkeye: ...no.
BJ: Reading ahead a little bit, Ben does, in fact, not make any such announcement.
"It scared her when I got angry at Frank," Hawkeye offered. "It didn't help to see you haul him off." B. J. rocked the wailing child gently. "Its hard being in a stetting where we misbehaved constantly, and being a parents of a 7 and 5 year old at the same time. We're really not allowed a temper anymore, Beej." Frank watched as Hawkeye put a hand on B.J.'s shoulder, and leaned down to kiss the other man's forehead. "I'm gonna go find Peg and Daniel."
"I'm sorry, Hunnicut. I......" Frank honestly didn't know what to say. So he said nothing, picked up his bag and left the Potter farm.
Peg: Can’t she at least give Maggie a consistent age?
Trapper: What is up with the stupid PDAs? They're really getting on my nerves.
Hawkeye: Why are there so many dots? Three is an ellipsis. Six is more like a punctuation orgy.
Peg: They're also parents of a... three month old. Or does Daniel not count?
Sara’s Voice: Okay guys. Third break.
*The TV and box of DVDs appear again, as do more beverages and more food*
*Hawkeye grabs a bowl of chips and walks over to where the door usually is. It reappears in front of his eyes. He blinks and opens it. House and Snape are glaring at each other*
Hawkeye: *to David* What’s up with them?
David: They’re still flirting.
House: *to Hawkeye* This story is crap.
Hawkeye: Thought you weren't reading it.
House: Getting laid has been delayed. Nothing better to do.
David: So, essentially, you called yourself a moron? Gee, the genius thing just makes so much sense now.
Sara: David! You were behaving so well!
Kelly: David. Do not provoke him.
David: *shrug* I can't let everyone else have all the fun, can I?
Hawkeye: He gets grumpy when his guy can't be touched, and he hasn't had sex in a week. Don't piss him off.
Ecklie: *wakes up, glares* Are you people mentally incompetent? What does "shut up" mean to you? Hodges! What's going on here?
David: Pissing contest, MSTing, threats, flirting, UST, you know.
Ecklie: Wonderful.
Chase: And House and Snape might be facing off.
Sara: Thanks, guys. Thanks a lot. Con, here, take the coffee. *hands him coffee*
House: Sorry we woke you, Connie.
Kelly: ...must not strangle him, must not strangle him.
Ecklie: *peers at House disdainfully, somewhat amused, looks at Severus* He might face of with him? *indicates Severus* Not much of a face off, is it? Make sure you hide the body well, Severus. Grissom will find it otherwise.
Sara: ...Conrad. Stop it. Drink your coffee.
Hawkeye: Goddamn it, are you people all insane? Why not just separate them before we all die in the aftermath?
Kelly: (as alter-ego, Carly) Conrad, provoke him again, and I'm informing your mom that you not only have sex, but it's unprotected. Bet you'll enjoy that phone call.
Ecklie: *sips coffee, looks up innocently* I'll tell her that's what you told me to do. I bet you'll enjoy that... month.
Sara: Conrad, you really shouldn't get more devious with the less sleep you've had. It's disconcerting.
Chase: Now you're snapping at the people who control what we can and can't do? Yeah, I see why you're all called geniuses.
Sara: ...you think this is new, Chase? Aw, that's cute.
Chase: I've been gone the last month.
Sara: I don't know about House and Hawkeye, but Severus, Con, and David are always like this, especially when they want to be written.
Kelly: They usually don't pull that kind of thing with me, because I can and do make their lives miserable.
Sara: I put up with it because they do have good ideas. And it's much better than being blocked.
Kelly: Probably true, but since the last thing I wrote was House/Stacy without House actually participating, I wouldn't know.
David: Maybe you should let them bitch more. They seem as though they could use the outlet.
Severus: David, you have a flair for understatement.
Hawkeye: House is only like this because he got interrupted before getting laid.
Chase: Wasn't it Foreman's week last week?
House: Yes.
Chase: And you're provoking him when he hasn't had sex in a week? Oh, bloody brilliant.
Sara: Severus is like this because he's... Severus. Con is cranky. David hasn't been written in awhile and I think he's getting annoyed with me.
Hawkeye: If I give you a tranquilizer for Severus, will you use it?
Sara: Sorry. If I do, he'll be pissed at me and I won't be able to write him. And since he still has a thirty-year-old grudge against someone who once saved his life and is currently dead-which he takes out on small children, and the man's son, especially-I wouldn't be able to write him for approximately three hundred years.
Hawkeye: Now that is an impressive grudge. By the way, Chase-it's not the no sex that's got him like this. It's the enforced no touching.
Sara: He does grudges, spite, and malice very well.
House: *to Hawkeye* When I get to be with Annabelle, I'm outperforming you so much she'll never touch you again.
Chase: *looks horrified at the idea of House with his mother*
David: *smirks* Why so horrified, Chase? Don't want your step-dad to be someone you have a crush on?
Hawkeye: David, the kid didn't do anything to you. Back off.
Sara: Hawkeye is now the only sane one.
David: I love irony.
Sara: David!
Chase: What'd I do to get classified as not sane?
Sara: Ooops, forgot you. You're sane, too. Well, except for calling both David and Hawkeye stupid.
Kelly: Actually, he called them all stupid. In a way, I think he had a point.
Sara: Yeah, me too.
Severus: I have been called many things, but "stupid" has never been one, and I would advise that you remember that.
Hawkeye: All things considered, "stupid" is probably one of the more innocuous and still accurate ones.
Severus: *scowls, levels his wand at Hawkeye*
Sara: Uh, Hawkeye? Now’s a good time for you to leave.
Hawkeye: Yeah, I gathered that.
*Hawkeye quickly exits the room*
Kelly’s Voice: Okay, everyone. Time for reading again.
This way to Part Four.
Author: Bad!fic by MF. MST by Sara and Kelly.
Summary: The final installment in the “Who Woulda Thought” series is MSTed.
Disclaimer: The characters aren’t ours or MF’s. Be exceptionally thankful for the latter.
A/N: And finally! This one is huge, so we did it a bit differently, and gave the characters breaks after each part, so we could randomly add character bickering. We think it’s funny, but skip over it if you’d rather not read about Snape threatening to turn House into a toad. =P Part One is here, on Sara's journal, and Part Two is here, also on Sara's journal.
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"Pierce, Benjamin." The man at the hotel handed him a key. B. J. carried the bags to the elevator. "We're in suite 902." Hawkeye hit button 9 and the elevator started. The two were tired from a long day of flying, and wedding. They wanted nothing more than to go to sleep and hold each other. Hawkeye opened the door to the room, and to their surprise, Champaign was on ice, dinner had just been delivered, and the hot tub in their bathroom was bubbling in anticipation for the arrival. A note stood on the dinner tray.
"Dear B. J. and Hawkeye, I have a friend in the hotel. He made sure everything would be ready when you got there. I hope its to your liking. Congratulations, guys! ~Maxwell Q. Klinger"
Peg: Why is the note in quotes? Did it read itself?
Sidney: They put an Illinois city on ice?
BJ: "A long day of flying, and wedding." It's like the ceremony took all day.
Peg: And we have a delightful comma splice.
Hawkeye: I'm always amazed when she has bouts of IC-ness, because that's something Klinger would actually do.
BJ: It is kind of funny. Out of nowhere, a character will be IC for a few lines. You never know when to expect it. It's like a random treat every now and again.
Hawkeye: It encourages us to keep going, really.
Peg: A note stood on the dinner tray? It has feet?
Sidney: Maybe it was an origami note.
Hawkeye: A magically animated one, at that, since it read itself.
"That little scrounge never could resist a gift that no one else could think of," B. J. said, laughing. He opened the cover. Dinner was ham and pineapple shish kabobs. "Shall we eat, my love?"
"Bring it to the hot tub, and I'll grab the whine."
Peg: (as the whine) “I don't want to go into the hot tub, it's too warm! Ugh, put me down! You guys are so lame. This isn't any fun!”
BJ: Why am I insulting Klinger when he did something thoughtful?
Hawkeye: Because... actually I have no idea.
Sidney: Ham and pineapple shish kebabs. Let's not only stereotype women, homosexual men, and San Francisco, but also Hawaii!
Trapper: Stereotyping is easier than being original.
Charles: How does one open a cover? I thought one usually lifted covers.
Hawkeye opened his eyes as the sun filtered in through the curtains. He felt B.J.'s arm protectively draped over his midsection, and the younger man curled around him lovingly. The room wasn't his own, nor did Hawkeye recognize it. Memories of the day before came flooding back at once. Wedding. Tux. A kiss. Airplane. Lots of alcohol. Wonderful sex. B. J. Hunnicut-Pierce. The room was spinning. All Hawkeye knew was that he was now a married man. Married man to the most wonderful man he'd ever met. He felt B. J. stir lightly. Hawkeye turned over to face his new husband.
"Good morning, love." B. J. smiled and snuggled into his chest. "Sleep well?"
"Mmmm. Very."
BJ: Okay, the sap needs to stop.
Hawkeye: The sap is hilarious.
Trapper: It's so damn bad.
Hawkeye: I mean, Beej, just try to imagine yourself calling me "love."
BJ: *laughs uncontrollably*
Hawkeye: See! Exactly what I mean.
Sidney: Okay, fragments can work stylistically, but they would at least have to make sense. Why is he emphasizing "tux,” “a kiss,” and “airplane."?
Peg: The kiss, I can understand, sort of, because it was after they said their vows. But the rest?
Trapper: Okay, sure, they're married, but they've also been together for the better part of five years, right? How big of a difference can it be?
Hawkeye: Uhh... yeah, I’ve got nothing.
Trapper: I was hoping it made more sense to you.
Hawkeye: Nope. Remember, she's the anti-sense. There is no sense to be made.
"Good. Its almost 9:00 What shall we do with ourselves today?"
"What shall we do with each other?"
"I like how you think, Hunnicut." Hawkeye kissed him deeply.
Author's quick note: Large bits pulled out for content.
Everyone: THANK GOD.
Charles: I am so grateful for that author’s note, I shall not even mind it being there.
Hawkeye: ...isn't he supposed to be Hunnicutt-Pierce now?
Sara’s Voice: Hawkeye, dear, listen to me-the M*A*S*H writers themselves couldn't even keep their continuity. Why ever are you expecting it from a really bad fanfiction writer?
Kelly’s Voice: That's right. Hawkeye's sister.
Hawkeye: My... sister?
Sara’s Voice: You had a sister for one episode. It was special.
Kelly’s Voice: And your mom was originally alive.
Hawkeye: Wow.
Sidney: Is adding an apostrophe to it's really that hard?
Peg: Sidney, you've been asking that for the entire story. The answer is obviously yes.
Sidney: I know, but it's so basic. She can capitalize random words, but not hit the apostrophe key. That's just bizarre.
Trapper: Maybe it's broken?
Sidney: That would explain why they seem to avoid contractions.
Hawkeye: Or maybe we've just been spending too much time with Charles-sorry, Charlie the third.
Charles: *glares*
Peg: Ignore him, Charles.
BJ: But he lives across the country, Hawk. *pauses, thinks about that for a second* So, in this story, we might be.
Sidney: Maybe that's where you're going for the extra week and six days?
Hawkeye: To hang out with Charles? Could be.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Daddy!" Maggie called reaching for B. J.
"Did you have a good trip?" Peg asked. Hawkeye hugged Peg.
"Wonderful, thanks. And thank you for watching the kids. Where's Daniel?"
"He's with Alex and the boys. The airports are too crowded for 1 person with 5 children. Welcome home." Peg hugged B. J. and grabbed a suitcase. Maggie flew into Hawkeye's arms.
Trapper: Maggie can fly?
Colonel Potter: Who taught her that?
BJ: I am so unsurprised by that.
Peg: We're still not writing out numbers, I see.
Sidney: Who does that? Besides those who write properly, I mean.
Charles: Of course, Peg is again their babysitter.
Peg: How would it be five children if I brought one more? The math doesn't add up.
Trapper: Maggie, Erin, Daniel, Andy, and Jake. Though only Maggie seems to be there.
Charles: Which is altogether extremely unsurprising.
Peg: But... the boys are with Alex, so if I had brought Daniel... I’m getting a headache.
Charles: *patiently hands Peg some aspirin and a glass of water* I warned you about the logic.
Peg: I think I'll listen next time.
"Hi Shortcake. Did you have a good week with Peg and Erin?"
"Yeah, but Daddy's in trouble."
"Why? What did he do?"
"Alex wants the fence up again for a while," Peg said as they got into the car. "To give you two some privacy."
"I thought it was because you still love Daddy, and Alex got mad," Maggie said. Peg's eyes shot open. She looked at B. J. for a minute. "What's wrong?"
BJ: Shortcake is the dumbest pet name for a kid ever.
Hawkeye: Really.
Peg: When were my eyes closed?
Charles: *simultaneously* Were Peg's eyes closed for that entire time?
*Peg and Charles look at each other*
"Maggie, sometimes we talk about things you really shouldn't repeat," B. J. told the 4 year old. "And when it is something important, you can tell me, or Papa, or Peg, or Alex alone. Not when we're all together, because it makes us feel funny sometimes, okay?"
"I'm sorry," she said, tears coming to her eyes. B. J. pulled her onto his lap as Hawkeye started to drive.
"Please don't cry, sweetie. I know Peg loves me. I'll always love her, and she'll always love me. But its a different kind of love than what me and Papa have. Its a different kind of love than she has with Alex."
"Then why is Alex mad at us?"
Sidney: Wait, what? Maggie should be five, turning six-it’s 1959.
BJ: Being in a moving car with a kid on your lap is not intelligent.
Hawkeye: Well, BJ, you’re smart, but we don't know anything about Bennett.
"Alex isn't mad at you, Daddy and Papa. He's mad at me. He just wants things to quiet down a bit." Maggie nodded and curled up in B.J.'s lap. She was soon asleep.
"Peg, what's really going on?"
"We're getting divorced. He's taking the boys to live with his mother in Idaho. He's taking Andy. There's nothing I can do. He could get Erin, Maggie and Daniel taken away from all of us if we fight him." Peg wiped tears from her eyes.
"I'll talk to him," B. J. said firmly.
Charles: Alex has put up with this ridiculousness far longer than I would have.
Peg: Definitely.
Sidney: Okay, is he taking both boys or just Andy?
Hawkeye: Both, but Andy's the important one because he's Peg's biological son.
Everyone else: *stares at Hawkeye*
Peg: How do you remember that?
Hawkeye: *shrug*
“Don't, B. J. We could lose them all. I've talked to a lawyer, and he said not to fight him. He's got a good case. I'm letting my children live with gay men, and the courts frown on homosexual couples. We really could lose them all. Once they are taken away, we won't get them back. There was a similar case recently. I don't want to lose all of my children."
"You shouldn't have to lose any of them, Peg."
"We're also selling the house."
"Where will you live?" B. J. asked, alarmed.
BJ: Her children, plural? Only Erin and Andy are hers.
Trapper: And only one of those two lives with the ladies Hunnicutt-Pierces.
Hawkeye: At least she's got a semblance of realism going on here.
Colonel Potter: Which is damn surprising.
BJ: Though really, does Alex have to be a jerk? I don't blame him wanting to leave, but he did say he liked me.
Peg: Obviously, if you're not willing to be a doormat and second to your spouse's ex, you're evil.
Hawkeye: Of course he has to be evil. It contributes to her "plot."
Sidney: Plot? There's a plot? Seriously? Where?
Colonel Potter: I see Hunnicutt is worried about losing the free babysitter.
Trapper: He might have to actually be a parent.
Peg: Those poor kids.
"I found an apartment a few miles away."
"Forget about it. You'll live with us. We'll put Erin and Maggie together and you can have the other bedroom. You can move in on Saturday." Hawkeye said, ending the discussion of an apartment. "It leaves the spare room for the kids to play in. You'll be even closer to Erin. Think about it, Peg. No rent to worry about, two men who will take care of you." Peg nodded in agreement.
Hawkeye: Raise your hand if you saw that coming three miles away wearing sunglasses in the pitch black of night. *raises hand*
BJ: *raises both hands*
Everyone else: *raises hand*
Hawkeye: Thought so.
Peg: Oh god, do you realize how dirty what Hawkeye said sounds? "Two men who will take care of you."
BJ: Gee, Peg really took a lot of time to think about it. A whole two seconds.
Hawkeye: Well, she wanted to keep being the unpaid babysitter, and apparently became the third member of our marriage.
Trapper: Kinky.
Sidney: Bunch of bigamists.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
June 12, 1959
Again, the reunion came at the whim of its runner, Col. Potter, and was set up on his old farm. The boys would be staying in the Swamp, and Peg would bunk in Margaret's tent with Erin and Maggie. It seemed only fitting to the wise old owl to have a Houlihan in that tent. Mildred went around the makeshift camp, fluffing pillows, and putting flowers in vases. She looked at the Swamp, and frowned. Sherman had build a still, and tracked dirt into the tent.
"What are you doing, Mother?" Sherman called, in alarm. "It took me an hour to arrange that dirt!"
"Just because it's The Swamp doesn't mean it needs to be a swamp."
Sidney: Okay, is there a reason we're having the five year reunion six years after the fact?
Hawkeye: MF is obviously not very good at math.
Peg: Hey, its is finally appropriate somewhere!
BJ: I still don't understand this "rebuilding the camp" thing.
Colonel Potter: Why on Earth would you describe me as an owl?
Trapper: Uh, why did he arrange dirt?
Hawkeye: We still haven't found that guidebook?
Trapper: Nope.
Hawkeye: Damn. I'll keep looking.
BJ: And he built a still? Well, he "build" a still.
Sidney: Apparently, "Sherm" missed the memo about them giving up alcohol, even though Hawkeye stopped drinking in Korea.
"Pierce and Hunnicut won't recognize the place without it, so be so kind as to put it back, love." Mildred shook her head and left the dirt. She loved her husband, but rarely understood him. "Also, fluffing pillows won't make a bean's difference. Hawkeye'll punch it down, toss for an hour, then throw it at Winchester for some reason or another, and go to sleep without it. Its how these men work."
"Sherm, Hunnicut and McIntyre used the same bunk. How's that going to work?"
Peg: Trapper/BJ?
BJ and Trapper: *stare at Peg*
Kelly’s Voice: It's been written.
Peg: Maybe BJ will fall in love with Trapper and kiss him and then Hawkeye will run away for another two years.
Hawkeye: But we're married now. *pauses, considers that* I say like it would deter him.
Sidney: Remember how quickly Bennett falls in love?
Charles: Instantly, as soon as someone is attracted to him.
"Easy. Trapper'll come for the first three days, leave without a good-bye, and B.J.'ll show up, capture the heart of Pierce, and all will be well," he said, slightly annoyed. "Trapper has offered to sleep in the fourth bunk. Mother, stop worrying. This one will turn out better than the last one. No one'll pin anyone's significant other, and cause everyone to leave after 1 day. Now, Pierce, and Hunnicut will be here tonight with Peg, Erin, Maggie, and Daniel. I got Cheryl's old crib from Cory. We should put it between Hawkeye and B. J., since its their baby." Mildred rolled her eyes, kissed her husband's forehead and left.
Hawkeye: Okay, that first line did actually make me laugh. But I can't picture Colonel Potter saying it.
BJ: That's a very ‘you’ line.
Trapper: Personality transplants now?
Peg: ...she spelled out "fourth", but not one.
Charles: And three.
Sidney: Yeah, no rhyme or reason.
Charles: Absolutely no sense to be found.
Sidney: So I won't ask why Hawkeye and BJ would sleep apart.
Peg: They're in cots. Remember, re-creating the camp?
Hawkeye: Sherm is very authentic. Right down to the dirt.
It wasn't long after that the first guests arrived. Hawkeye and B. J. unloaded the kids and brought them to where Margaret's tent would be set up. B. J. smiled. Col. Potter had even copied the sign on the door, with a few minor changes. It read: Maggie Houlihan, Erin Hunnicut, and Peg Sanders. B. J. took the paint can and redid the sign. Sanders was changed to Hunnicut, and all was right with the world.
"Oh, hello, Hunnicut," came an annoyingly familiar voice from behind.
"Frank, what are you doing here?"
"Igor lives down the road from me. His daughter told my daughter about the reunion. I decided to invite myself. Where's Margaret?" B. J. rolled his eyes and walked away.
BJ: We're back to Col. Potter.
Sara’s Voice: Peg, are you related to a Greg Sanders at all?
Kelly’s Voice: ...ohgod, you hurt my mind.
Peg: Sorry, I don’t think so.
Hawkeye: BJ, you bigamist.
BJ: I can’t even spell my name right.
Trapper: I think you were right, Hawk. Peg is a part of your marriage now.
Sidney: So, BJ changed Sanders to Hunnicut and all was right with the world? That's all it took? Changing her name? And there are no more wars, poverty, racism, hatred, etc?
"Go away, Frank," he warned. Hawkeye came out of the girls' tent and almost fell over in shock. "Hey, Hawk, look who decided to invite himself to the party."
"You have three seconds to remove yourself from my sight, Frank Burns." The door to the tent opened.
"Daddy?" a small voice whined lightly. "Papa, who is that?" Hawkeye took his daughter's hand. "Hi, I'm Maggie. Margaret Jane Houlihan Pierce. I'm named after my Mommy."
"Ah, so your Mommy IS here!"
Charles: Who is this elusive "he"?
Hawkeye: What's with the utter anger at Frank? I mean, sure, he was a jerk, but that strong of a reaction?
BJ: Yeah, I don’t know. Maybe he’s the ultimate in evil now.
"Margaret couldn't make it, you jackass. She died almost 6 years ago. When Maggie was born." Hawkeye was boiling mad at this point. Frank snarled at him.
"Who asked you? Nit wit." Frank knelt down to Maggie. "I know your mommy is here somewhere. Can you tell me where?"
"Papa, is mommy really Here?" Hawkeye lifted her up.
"Short cake, we talked about that. Mommy can't ever come back from where she is. Just like Grandpa Daniel and your turtle, George. She was very sick when you were born, and went to heaven." B. J. and Trapper grabbed Frank by the arms and dragged him into the Swamp.
Peg: Is Maggie's pet name Shortcake or Short cake?
Hawkeye: Yes.
Peg: Thanks.
Trapper: I thought BJ walked away.
Hawkeye: Why drag Frank away? As I recall, he was pretty terrified of Trapper.
Sidney: Why is here capitalized?
Charles: It is the name of Colonel Potter's... well, we shall call it a ranch.
Sidney: Oh. Okay.
Charles: It is the only explanation I have.
Sidney: It works for me.
"Hey, let me go! Col. Potter!"
"You listen, and you listen good, Frank. That is my daughter, and if you even look at her, I swear on everything holy, you will regret the day you were born. Got it?" B. J. said very low and very quietly.
"I thought she was Margaret and Hawkeye's..."
"Hawkeye is my husband, that is one of our two children. You don't even look at her or Daniel. Do you understand?"
"You're a homo-" Frank didn't finish his sentence. Trapper had clamped a hand over his little mouth.
Sidney: Col. Potter in narrative is bad enough, but in dialogue? That’s just wrong.
Hawkeye: ...is BJ calling Frank a pedophile? Sure, Frank was a rat, but a pedophile?
Peg: I think he just doesn't want Frank talking to your kids.
Hawkeye: But... “if you even look at her.”
Peg: I don't know.
Hawkeye: Frank was afraid of Trapper, not BJ. If anyone's threatening Frank, it should be me and Trapper.
Sidney: I'm kind of stuck on Col. Potter in dialogue. Who does that?
Peg: Someone too lazy to type out "onel".
Sidney: Oh. Well, that it explains it. The ending of Colonel looks too much like a number.
Charles: And those can only be typed under obscure circumstances.
Sidney: Exactly.
"I said, do you understand?" Frank nodded. "And one more thing, don't mention Margaret Houlihan to any of these people. No one was happy to hear of her death, and there are some who haven't heard. Ben's going to make an announcement. Don't you dare embarrass him. Got it?" Again, Frank nodded. "Are you going anywhere near Maggie, Erin and Daniel?" Frank shook his head.
"I'll keep an eye on him," Trapper said, towering over the little man. "Its gonna be an interesting week, isn't it, buddy?" Hawkeye entered with Maggie, who was crying for B. J.
"Come see Daddy, Sweet heart. What's wrong?"
Hawkeye: Frank wasn’t that short. In fact, he was only a couple of inches shorter than Trapper, so "towering" may not be the best word.
BJ: You still expect proper word choice?
Hawkeye: ...no.
BJ: Reading ahead a little bit, Ben does, in fact, not make any such announcement.
"It scared her when I got angry at Frank," Hawkeye offered. "It didn't help to see you haul him off." B. J. rocked the wailing child gently. "Its hard being in a stetting where we misbehaved constantly, and being a parents of a 7 and 5 year old at the same time. We're really not allowed a temper anymore, Beej." Frank watched as Hawkeye put a hand on B.J.'s shoulder, and leaned down to kiss the other man's forehead. "I'm gonna go find Peg and Daniel."
"I'm sorry, Hunnicut. I......" Frank honestly didn't know what to say. So he said nothing, picked up his bag and left the Potter farm.
Peg: Can’t she at least give Maggie a consistent age?
Trapper: What is up with the stupid PDAs? They're really getting on my nerves.
Hawkeye: Why are there so many dots? Three is an ellipsis. Six is more like a punctuation orgy.
Peg: They're also parents of a... three month old. Or does Daniel not count?
Sara’s Voice: Okay guys. Third break.
*The TV and box of DVDs appear again, as do more beverages and more food*
*Hawkeye grabs a bowl of chips and walks over to where the door usually is. It reappears in front of his eyes. He blinks and opens it. House and Snape are glaring at each other*
Hawkeye: *to David* What’s up with them?
David: They’re still flirting.
House: *to Hawkeye* This story is crap.
Hawkeye: Thought you weren't reading it.
House: Getting laid has been delayed. Nothing better to do.
David: So, essentially, you called yourself a moron? Gee, the genius thing just makes so much sense now.
Sara: David! You were behaving so well!
Kelly: David. Do not provoke him.
David: *shrug* I can't let everyone else have all the fun, can I?
Hawkeye: He gets grumpy when his guy can't be touched, and he hasn't had sex in a week. Don't piss him off.
Ecklie: *wakes up, glares* Are you people mentally incompetent? What does "shut up" mean to you? Hodges! What's going on here?
David: Pissing contest, MSTing, threats, flirting, UST, you know.
Ecklie: Wonderful.
Chase: And House and Snape might be facing off.
Sara: Thanks, guys. Thanks a lot. Con, here, take the coffee. *hands him coffee*
House: Sorry we woke you, Connie.
Kelly: ...must not strangle him, must not strangle him.
Ecklie: *peers at House disdainfully, somewhat amused, looks at Severus* He might face of with him? *indicates Severus* Not much of a face off, is it? Make sure you hide the body well, Severus. Grissom will find it otherwise.
Sara: ...Conrad. Stop it. Drink your coffee.
Hawkeye: Goddamn it, are you people all insane? Why not just separate them before we all die in the aftermath?
Kelly: (as alter-ego, Carly) Conrad, provoke him again, and I'm informing your mom that you not only have sex, but it's unprotected. Bet you'll enjoy that phone call.
Ecklie: *sips coffee, looks up innocently* I'll tell her that's what you told me to do. I bet you'll enjoy that... month.
Sara: Conrad, you really shouldn't get more devious with the less sleep you've had. It's disconcerting.
Chase: Now you're snapping at the people who control what we can and can't do? Yeah, I see why you're all called geniuses.
Sara: ...you think this is new, Chase? Aw, that's cute.
Chase: I've been gone the last month.
Sara: I don't know about House and Hawkeye, but Severus, Con, and David are always like this, especially when they want to be written.
Kelly: They usually don't pull that kind of thing with me, because I can and do make their lives miserable.
Sara: I put up with it because they do have good ideas. And it's much better than being blocked.
Kelly: Probably true, but since the last thing I wrote was House/Stacy without House actually participating, I wouldn't know.
David: Maybe you should let them bitch more. They seem as though they could use the outlet.
Severus: David, you have a flair for understatement.
Hawkeye: House is only like this because he got interrupted before getting laid.
Chase: Wasn't it Foreman's week last week?
House: Yes.
Chase: And you're provoking him when he hasn't had sex in a week? Oh, bloody brilliant.
Sara: Severus is like this because he's... Severus. Con is cranky. David hasn't been written in awhile and I think he's getting annoyed with me.
Hawkeye: If I give you a tranquilizer for Severus, will you use it?
Sara: Sorry. If I do, he'll be pissed at me and I won't be able to write him. And since he still has a thirty-year-old grudge against someone who once saved his life and is currently dead-which he takes out on small children, and the man's son, especially-I wouldn't be able to write him for approximately three hundred years.
Hawkeye: Now that is an impressive grudge. By the way, Chase-it's not the no sex that's got him like this. It's the enforced no touching.
Sara: He does grudges, spite, and malice very well.
House: *to Hawkeye* When I get to be with Annabelle, I'm outperforming you so much she'll never touch you again.
Chase: *looks horrified at the idea of House with his mother*
David: *smirks* Why so horrified, Chase? Don't want your step-dad to be someone you have a crush on?
Hawkeye: David, the kid didn't do anything to you. Back off.
Sara: Hawkeye is now the only sane one.
David: I love irony.
Sara: David!
Chase: What'd I do to get classified as not sane?
Sara: Ooops, forgot you. You're sane, too. Well, except for calling both David and Hawkeye stupid.
Kelly: Actually, he called them all stupid. In a way, I think he had a point.
Sara: Yeah, me too.
Severus: I have been called many things, but "stupid" has never been one, and I would advise that you remember that.
Hawkeye: All things considered, "stupid" is probably one of the more innocuous and still accurate ones.
Severus: *scowls, levels his wand at Hawkeye*
Sara: Uh, Hawkeye? Now’s a good time for you to leave.
Hawkeye: Yeah, I gathered that.
*Hawkeye quickly exits the room*
Kelly’s Voice: Okay, everyone. Time for reading again.
This way to Part Four.