MST part 2
The second part of Megan Faye's god-awful fic "Who Woulda Thought"... (Part one can be found here.
"Beej?" Hawkeye called softly. "Love, wake up." B.J. opened his eyes slowly. "Are you all right?" he asked gently, voice swollen with love, concern, fear.
Hawkeye: How does a voice get swollen?
BJ: Sounds painful.
Margaret: What could be wrong with BJ?
Peg: ...let's see, random sex in a cave with another man which he ostensibly has never done before and he has a wife and child back home...
BJ: What do you mean, ostenstibly, Peg?
Margaret: You'll see.
Peg: There had to be something to make this girl think you and Hawkeye were a couple.
Kelly's Voice: Subtext. Usually it leads to good things. I wish this particular girl had ignored it, though. There was a lot with Trapper, but Sara has her own preferred pairings.
Peg: Subtext? Does that have something to do with the fact that we're television characters?
Sara's Voice: Very good. It does. Usually it's implications or maybe joking/flirting that some people see and wonder if there could be more.
Kelly's Voice: In other words, being yourselves opened you up to this.
"I have never been better." B.J. snuggled close to his new love. "However, I will have to tell Peg."
BJ: Oh well, one night of sex equals a relationship. I'd better break up with my wife.
Hawkeye: I hope I try to stop you from telling her.
Margaret: It gets worse.
Peg: How can it get worse?
"Beej," Hawkeye started.
"She knows how I feel about men. We married so my father would back off. Hawk, I can't live a lie. I love you. I have never loved before. I mean I love my wife and daughter, but I'm not in-love with Peg. I'm in-love with you."
Peg: I probably shouldn't have asked.
Hawkeye: There's the "ostensibly."
Sara’s Voice: This one’s too good to pass up, even if they won’t get it. Is in-love anything like in-line skating?
Kelly’s Voice: Hmm, could be fun.
Sidney: You know, that disembodied voice thing is rather eerie.
Kelly's Voice: Sorry, Sidney. We'll shut up.
"Then we have one problem."
"You don't love me?"
"I adore you, Beej, I could spend the rest of my life with you. The problem is how do we keep our hands to ourselves until we go home?" B.J. cuddled closer. "I love you, and I want to be with you Beej."
"We'll figure something out."
Margaret: Wow, Hawkeye and BJ went from friends to soul mates really quickly.
Peg: And their biggest problem is keeping their hands to themselves?
Charles: I was under the impression Hawkeye had problems with commitment?
BJ: I was under the impression I was in a commitment.
Hawkeye: Why didn't I try to stop BJ from telling Peg?
BJ: Yeah, remember that letter you-
Hawkeye: Moving on.
July
"WHOA! Hawkeye! You said 'kiss'... you started a RELATIONSHIP?!?!" Sidney said, with his jaw dangling on the floor.
Hawkeye: Ouch. I don't think your jaw dangling like that is normal.
Charles: Pierce, even one who merely plays at being a doctor should be concerned about that dangling jaw.
Sidney: I don't think me yelling like that is normal.
BJ: Don't all good shrinks yell and flip out?
Sidney: Thanks for reminding me, BJ.
Colonel Potter: Don't you remember how Sidney reacts when he loses a hand of poker?
Margaret: Or how he set Colonel Potter's office on fire?
"Yeah... I guess we did. "
"Did... anything else...happen in the cave?" Hawkeye lowered his eyes. "Awww Hawkeye..."
"Sidney... I know we could get in a lot of trouble... "
"HE'S MARRIED!"
"I haven't gotten to the problem yet... I DID have a problem that I needed help with... this is the background. "
BJ: Calm down, Sidney. We know what a screamer you are, but enough is enough.
Margaret: You had to ask if anything else happened in the cave?
Colonel Potter: Even I figured that one out.
Hawkeye: I thought I told Sidney what happened in the cave. The question is, how did what happened happen?
*BJ winces*
Charles: Pierce, none of this is the problem you were referring to?
Hawkeye: Charles, even I don't know what the problem is I'm referring to.
Margaret: I think we're finally getting to that.
July 3, 1953
Margaret sat nervously at the edge of her cot. Hawkeye hadn't responded to what she said.
"Are you OK Hawkeye?"
"Are you sure?"
"It's been 3 months. And the last time...was with you..."
"I told you stopping that relationship wasn't a good idea. You are really pregnant. " Hawkeye was going to marry her of coarse. He WAS the father after all. He placed his hand on her stomach.
Margaret: Why do you and Radar put your hands on my stomach?
Hawkeye: We have to make sure you're really pregnant. Of COARSE I'm going to marry you. Too bad, BJ.
BJ: Margaret, you went three months without...
*Margaret glares*
*BJ hides behind Peg*
Peg: *rolls eyes* My, what a big, strong guy you are.
Charles: In which direction did time just flow?
Colonel Potter: It seems to me it went back.
Sidney: I really have no idea anymore, so we'll go with that.
Hawkeye: Margaret, did you and Radar ever stop spinning?
Margaret: I hope so, otherwise I probably threw up on him.
"I know you are in a relationship and I KNOW she is very special... "
"What are you talking about?"
"The last time you got that sparkle in your eye was when Carlye wanted to get back with you when she was stationed here. "
Hawkeye: Well, at least she spelled Carlye's name right.
BJ: You have a sparkle in your eye? It sounds like it would hurt.
Margaret: What's this whole thing about Carlye?
Hawkeye: Maybe she's trying to introduce as many pairings as humanly possible?
Colonel Potter: My, my, you do get around, don't you, son?
"Am I that obvious?" Hawkeye blushed.
"You haven't smelled you food or even complained about it in a week! You and B.J just sat and... oh my God. "
"What?" He asked. He didn't even know it, but she knew.
"When I said B.J, your eyes lit up. What is going on? Who is she?"
Colonel Potter: What did his eyes light up? A cigar?
Margaret: I have never known you to blush.
Hawkeye: I've never known myself to blush either.
BJ: Maybe his eyes lighting up caused his face to get hot and it looked like a blush.
Hawkeye: Now you I've known to blush, BJ.
Charles: What does she mean by "He didn't even know it, but she knew"?
BJ: What’s with the dots in my name?
Sara's Voice: They imply BJ stands for something. See one of the many sequels.
BJ: It stands for anything you want.
Kelly's Voice: Or Bennett James, in this case.
Peg: Bennett...James?
Sara's Voice: There are some far more interesting interpretations available.
BJ: I don't think I want to know.
"SHE is a HE and HE is B.J Hunnicutt. "
"WHAT?!"
"I'm... with...B. J." Margaret didn't know what to say.
"I... um... are you happy?"
"Yes, we are. He is going to tell Peg in a letter. "
"That's just stupid. I'll clear Klinger out of the office and he'll use the phone. With Charles and Potter ill, I'm in command. While he talks, you and I'll look and be sure no one is coming. "
Hawkeye: How is Klinger supposed to place the call if he's not in the office?
Margaret: Why am I all right with the fact that the father of my baby is in love with a man?
Colonel Potter: Why would I leave Margaret in command?
Sidney: Would a career Army officer be that accepting instantly?
BJ: Sidney, didn't you know that Margaret isn't at all by the book?
Hawkeye: Yeah, she never follows those pesky rules and regulations. That's why she was dating Radar.
"Thank you Margaret!" Hawkeye hugged her. "This is a delicate situation. Peg is NOT going to be happy. "
Peg: I'm not? Really?
BJ: Peg, I thought you would be overjoyed for me!
Sidney: Interesting that Mr. Family was going to tell his wife about this in a letter but only calls because his lover's ex-lover makes him.
Sara's Voice: Yeah, the real title of this should be M*A*S*H: The Soap Opera Edition
Kelly's Voice: Do they know what soap operas are?
July 24, 1953
"He told Peg?!"
"Yeah. She was really great about it. "
Charles: We're time-traveling again.
Colonel Potter: Mrs. Hunnicutt, you must be some woman if you were great about it.
Peg: Thank you, Colonel, but I think I would be rather upset.
BJ: I don't think upset is the word.
July 3rd
"Honey, I'm sorry, I know you are hurt. I couldn't just not tell you though...Peg...I'm going to be home soon. Tomorrow is the 4th of July. Take Erin to see your parents and watch the fireworks...No, Don't tell them... OK, Hawkeye? Peg wants to talk to you." Hawkeye's heart jumped as he walked over to the phone. Margaret watched the compound to be sure no one was coming.
"Hello? Hi Peg...Yeah, I do... I promise... I'll look out for him...No one is going to find out. well... the C. O. is unconscious along with the 2nd in command. They have the flu. Our temporary commander, Major Houlihan is the one who cleared out the clerks office so we could call you... ...we kind of owe each other favors...I won't let anything happen to him...ok... Bye. " Hawkeye hang up the phone. All three let out a sigh of relief. Hawkeye rubbed his hand up and down B.J.'s back affectionately. Margaret's heart ached.
"Margaret, can we all go in the office, I need to talk to you and B.J"
Sidney: Are hearts supposed to jump like that?
Hawkeye: No, and they're not supposed to ache, either.
Peg: Why don't we get to hear my end of the conversation?
Margaret: Peg, I think she was having too much fun ruining our personalities without dragging you into it.
BJ: The flu makes you become unconscious now?
Charles: Does this story take place next to a time warp or a black hole?
Colonel Potter: I'm sure we'll find out.
July 24
"He knows about the baby?"
"Yeah. "
"I think I need to see a shrink... ... ...continue. "
BJ: When did I find out about the baby?
Sidney: Wow, even I need a shrink. Congratulations, Hawkeye, you've stressed out the psychiatrist.
Hawkeye: This is going downhill fast.
Charles: Hard to imagine, since it started in a pit.
July 3
"You two have to get married," B.J sad quietly. After hours upon hours of discussion...that was the conclusion. B. J. shed a tear. He didn't want to loose Hawkeye like that. Hawkeye enfolded B.J in his arms.
"Are you OK, Beej?"
"Do you think you could have told me this BEFORE I did that to my wife?"
"I already told Hawkeye I wouldn't marry him. It wouldn't work. "
Charles: Loose? In this case, is it similar to lose?
BJ: Margaret, if you're not going to marry him, why didn't you mention that in the "hours upon hours of discussion"?
Margaret: For the same reason you shed a single tear, I suppose.
BJ: At least my thing was a horrible attempt at something poetic.
Peg: Hawkeye, how did you manage to enfold BJ in your arms?,
Hawkeye: Same way as Radar enfolded Margaret.
"This kid is going to need a really good therapist by the time he or she is 3," B.J said smiling when he realized he wasn't going to loose Hawkeye. Margaret laughed. Hawkeye smiled at B.J and kissed him.
Sidney: How fortunate that you happen to know one.
BJ: So everything's okay, now?
Hawkeye: Except for the kid, apparently.
July 24
"I think I see the problem. You want to be a father for your child, but that would mean loosing B.J and marrying Margaret who you want to be just friends with. "
"All that is right, but that's not the problem... "
"So you and Margaret AREN'T getting married, but she is pregnant, you are dating you best friend, who happens to be another man, his wife AGREES to it, AND you could get kicked out of the army for this, and that's not the problem? I SEE 5 PROBLEMS!!!!!! PICK ONE AND WE'LL DISCUSS IT!"
"No. The problem IS 'What happens when this is over and we all go home...I'm not going to see him again."
"Oooohhhh. I really need a vacation. "
Sidney: I thought the 4077 was where I went to unwind.
Hawkeye: Sorry for ruining your vacation, Sidney.
BJ: Obviously Sidney is upset. This is known from the capital letters and numerous exclamation points.
Colonel Potter: Son, did you answer your own question?
Hawkeye: I must have. Sidney didn't.
July 27
"B.J!!!!! Its OVER!!!!! THE WAR IS OVER!"
"ITS OVER??!?!?! ITS OVER!!!!" B.J, Hawkeye and Margaret were dancing around her tent singing. Hawkeye hugged them both. Hawkeye kissed Margaret gently on the cheek. He then kissed B.J softly and passionately. Margaret left them alone.
Charles: My, she does love her punctuation marks
Margaret: Why were we in my tent instead of the Swamp?
Peg: More importantly, why did you leave them alone in your tent?
"I'm sure she's okay guys, Its labor, not open heart surgery. She's a tough lady," Peg said softly to the men as they awaited the arrival of the new little addition to the clan.
"She's had a troubled pregnancy. We thought she'd lose the baby a few times, Peg. She's older than you were when Erin was born. Its not uncommen for the mother to have a lot of complications at Margaret's age." Hawkeye paced nervously around. A doctor came out, looking forlorn.
Margaret: If Hawkeye and I were to ever have a child together, I would insist he deliver it.
Hawkeye: Why, Margaret!
Margaret: You would be better than a doctor who can look forlorn.
BJ: He can look forlorn. Haven't you seen him after a nurse shoots him down?
Hawkeye: But at least I have you now, darling.
*Peg rolls her eyes*
Charles: Margaret, I was unaware that you were old enough for complications during labor to be a major concern.
Sidney: And did the time shift again or was Margaret pregnant for less than 4 months?
Colonel Potter: Can someone tell me what "uncommen" means?
"Mr. Pierce, you have a health daughter, but the mother....she's only got a few minutes left. She's....there's nothhing we can do, sir." Hawkeye ran down the hall to Margaret's room. She was hooked up to so many machines.
"Margaret, please don't die. You have a beautiful daughter, you have to be okay...."
"Hawkeye, call her Maggie....Loved my nickname...." And with that, Margaret Houlihan slept.
BJ: I've always loved your nickname too, Margaret... or at least I would have, if it existed.
Hawkeye: As a doctor, you would think the number of machines wouldn’t impress me.
Margaret: I like how you plead with me not to die, like I have a choice in the matter. "Oh, well he asked so nicely, I won't die today."
Colonel Potter: I thought you were just taking a nap, Margaret.
Charles: Sleeping and dying are now the same thing, apparently.
Sidney: Very interesting...
Peg: Is it?
Sidney: No, I thought I would practice for when I go back to being my crazy screaming self.
Charles: As Father Mulcahey said to Klinger when he was making the birthday cake, "Get the 'h' out of there." regarding the "nothhing."
Still want more? Parts three and four can be found on sarcasticsra's journal.