"Who Woulda Thought" MST
First, thanks and a hug to hawkeyesmartini for giving me ideas for short stories and fics, even if it is unintentional. I'll send them to you as soon as they're done.
Now, the first part (out of four) of the MST sarcasticsra and I keep talking about.
Title: "Who Woulda Thought", MSTed.
Authors: sarcasticsra and hawkeyecat
Rating: PG-13
Summary: A few people from the 4077th M*A*S*H unit are again forced to read a horrible piece of fanfiction.
A/N: God this story sucks so bad. But! It was fun to MST. ^_^
BJ: Where are we?
Hawkeye: Not again…
Margaret: You’re the one who said you’d like to see this other fic.
Colonel Potter: Calm down, people.
Charles: Would someone kindly explain what is going on?
Sidney: I’d like to know that myself.
*Two girls appear, one blonde and one readheaded, both wearing glasses. The redhead is taller and older than the other. A blonde woman, about BJ’s age, is with them.*
Kelly: You mean you didn’t tell your psychiatrist about your last experience with Sara?
BJ: Peg?
Peg: BJ, what’s going on?
Sara: We’ve brought you all here to MST.
Colonel Potter: Again?
Kelly: This is even worse than the last one she had you do.
BJ: MST?
Sara: As I told your friends last time, you guys are television show characters. And people write stories about you, called fan fiction. Now, some of these stories are actually rather good and well written…unfortunately, a lot of them are horrible. MSTing is mocking the stories that are crap because they deserve it. Well, the authors really deserve more than that, but this is the nice way to do it.
Sidney: Would you like to talk about this more?
Kelly: We have one of the most horrible for you to read, as requested by Hawkeye.
Sara: This story is slash, which means the couple... is BJ and Hawkeye.
Kelly: However, the author also has a reference to Hawkeye and Margaret as a couple.
Sara: Because she's insane.
Margaret: She would have to be.
Peg: *looks as if she's not sure whether to laugh or not* You mean people write stories about... BJ and Hawkeye being... together?
Kelly: Some of it's rather good. Then there's this.
Sara: This one is the opposite of good. This is the opposite of decent. This fic is so far away from good or decent, if this fic were earth, good and decent would be Pluto.
Charles: Wonderful. Pierce, why in heavens name did you request to read this? It sounds utterly dreadful.
Hawkeye: I was curious. That doesn't mean I'm reading it this time! My throat is still sore from last time.
Charles: You don't expect one of us to read it when this whole blasted waste of time was your idea?
Sara: Actually, it was our idea.
Kelly: He just vocalized the desire.
Colonel Potter: How does that work out?
Sara: We're authors. We have powers.
Kelly: So anyway, we'll have you take turns reading.
Sara: Margaret, you start.
Kelly: Enjoy.
*Sara hands a rolled up scroll to Margaret*
Kelly: Happy reading!
*Sara and Kelly disappear*
Who Woulda Thought?
Charles: "Woulda"?
Hawkeye: Can't she even keep the title in real words?
Charles: Apparently, she’s incapable of performing such a simple task.
Peg: It's one thing when someone's talking, but narrative or titles...
BJ: Then it's just sad.
Title: Who Woulda though? (rewrite of an old crappy fic of mine.....)
Margaret: That should be a clue right there.
Charles: She changed the title of her so-called “fic.”
Rated: PG-13
Author: Megan Faye
**NOTE: Crawfish Etoufaye is a popular southern dish served in Louisiana. It's like a thick, thick crawfish and rice stew-like dish. VERY spicy.
Charles: Does she mean etouffee?
Sidney: Probably, but we'll never know.
July 20, 1955
As Sidney Freedman was sitting at the desk in his home in New York, he was thinking about the last few days of the Korean Conflict. He needed to check up on Hawkeye and B. J. and Margaret, or Maggie as she is called…
Charles: Her grammar is atrocious. She can’t even keep to the same tense for a single paragraph.
Margaret: "Maggie as she is called..."? Since when?
BJ: Good question.
Hawkeye: I've never heard you called Maggie, before...
Potter: Neither have I.
Peg: Never mind the fact that Maggie isn't even a nickname for Margaret
Hawkeye: You’re always been Hotlips, Major, or Margaret
BJ: She was called "Princess" by Frank
Peg: Princess?
Colonel Potter: My daughter had a dog named Princess.
Margaret: Enough about my nicknames. Let’s get on with it.
Two Years Earlier
July 24 1953
Hawkeye: Oh, I'm glad she cleared that up. I don't think I could've figured out that two years before 1955 was 1953.
"Sidney? Can we talk?" Hawkeye said, entering the V. I. P. tent.
"Sure, Hawk, what's on your mind?" He asked. Hawkeye sat down.
Hawkeye: Sidney, when did you start calling me "Hawk"?
Sidney: I didn’t know I had.
Charles: I've always seen VIP, myself
Colonel Potter: She's fond of her dots, though.
"I'm under the assumption that this will be strictly confidential ...and will never leave this tent."
"O. K..."
"That also means you can't bring anyone in here and talk about it either."
Peg: Because psychiatrist visits are usually posted on the bulletin board.
Sidney: I'm glad I know what confidential means now.
Charles: Very kind of her to enlighten us.
"Hawkeye, did you kill Charles?" Sidney joked.
"Worse. "
"What's worse?"
"I... um that is... B. J..."
"YOU KILLED B. J. ?!"
"WORSE! I KISSED HIM! "
"Oh my. Lets start from the beginning. "
Sidney: Did I just jump to the conclusion that Hawkeye killed BJ?
Colonel Potter: Never knew you to be a screamer, Sidney.
BJ: How, exactly, is kissing me worse than killing me?
Peg: Well, with that mustache...
Hawkeye: I've always wanted to kill Charles
Charles: Cretin.
June 20, 1952
Hawkeye: Man, we're going back in time rapidly here.
Charles: I believe common practice is to pick a starting point and move forward.
BJ: At least she trusted us to figure out that 1952 is one year earlier than 1953.
Hawkeye lay awake in the darkened Swamp crying silently for his beloved, who had just died. Henry was a good man, and Hawkeye loved him, but he knew Henry Blake had a family to go home to; a son he'd never met. And to make matters worse, his best friend had left him too.
Hawkeye: Henry was my beloved?
BJ: You're lying around and crying about him, so obviously.
Peg: Is there a reason there's no background about Henry and Hawkeye?
Sidney: Maybe you're supposed to know what the author is thinking.
"Hawkeye, you okay?" Hunnicutt whispered from his cot. The glow of the moon made the tears on his face evident.
"Yeah, just....thinking."
"Dangerous past time." Hawkeye managed a smile. "I can't sleep. Join me for a walk?"
"Now that is a dangerous past time out here." B.J. smiled and stood. "We all have a story; people to go back to. What's yours?"
Hawkeye: I thought I was crying.
BJ: How did I get your tears?
Peg: BJ, you never mentioned the moon being that bright in Korea.
BJ: I never knew it was.
Sidney: Trying to steal my job, BJ?
BJ: No, I always ask people random questions about their past
"Peg, my wife, is in Mill Valley with our 8 month old daughter, Erin. She has to take care of a house, a yard, a baby, and work not knowing if she'll ever see me again. We started dating when I was 17 and she was 15. Only girl I ever dated."
Hawkeye: Oh, I guess I asked. I'm the one after your job, Sidney.
Margaret: Is there a reason you're asking questions about BJ's family when you already know?
Peg: I already have a job?
BJ: Where is Erin?
Sara’s Voice: We’re taking care of her.
Kelly’s Voice: She’s adorable.
Colonel Potter: Hunnicut, you only dated one girl?
BJ: Sure seems that way.
"When you get home, it'll be a different story," Hawkeye said mournfully. "Maybe it'll be different for you, but I've seen too many clean cut boys come through here. The left home as boys, and the luckey ones who make it home are men. There is nothing innocent over here except the civilian locals; the orphans. You already cheated on your wife. You cheated on her the minute you got here."
Charles: Oh, an attempt at depth. Such a pity it doesn't make any sense.
"How do you figure that?"
"You came here an innocent person. She'll never have that man back. The man who left for Korea 10 weeks ago died already when he stitched up his first 18 year old soldier."
BJ: Not when I threw up after bandaging the platoon?
Hawkeye: No, it takes a needle and thread.
"I'm still me. I'll live."
"Maybe. That look of horror in your eyes won't go away. Ever. Even old war horses have it. You'll tell your grandchildren about the war, as they sit on the floor listening to every word, not being able to grasp exactly the horror that you felt the first time you saw a dead kid when the jeep was bombed. They won't understand the terror you felt. It just doesn't work that way."
Hawkeye: War horror tales make great bedtime stories.
Margaret: Colonel, does Sophie have a look of horror in her eyes?
Colonel Potter: I never noticed it.
"At least I have a friend. Better than Ferrit face."
"I had two friends, and I doubt I'll ever see Trapper again. I know I'll never see Henry," he said as fresh tears began to flow.
Charles: What, pray tell, is a “ferrit”?
Hawkeye: Is it related to the ferret?
Sidney: Hawkeye, do you always cry so much?
Hawkeye: No, just after my beloved dies.
"Well, Beej, its been a year since you got here, we need to celebrate!" Hawkeye said, eyes glowing with laughter as he pulled out real whiskey. "My dad sent it for us. This'll perk ya right up!"
"Can we go someplace where we don't have to share it?"
"You read my mind!
"Lets hike over to the hills, since its still early!" B.J. laughed and grabed a few martini glasses. The hike was peaceful. Hawkeye picked a secluded spot where no one could see them. "Real booze, Beej." Before Hawkeye could pour the first glass, shelling started.
"Back to camp," B.J. hollered.
Charles: What on Earth happened to the past year?
Sidney: She seems to like messing with the timeline.
Peg: At least we're no longer going backwards.
Margaret: Hawkeye, you have an obsession with glowing. First it's your tears, now your eyes.
Colonel Potter: What's "grabed" mean?
Hawkeye: Maybe it's related to the ferrit.
"No time!" B.J. pointed to a small cave.
"In there," he shoved Hawkeye in and dove in after. Shells were going off left and right. They ducked as far into the cave as they could before seeing another exit being shelled. A small cave in sealed the main opening, and Hawkeye began to panic.
"I can't breath....." he gasped. B.J. rubbed his shoulders lightly, Hawkeye somehow felt relaxed in his friend's touch.
"Take a drink, you'll relax." Hawkeye obeyed his friend's order, and it helped.B.J. sat and pulled Hawkeye down next to him. "If you lay down, the ceiling will look higher and the room bigger."
Sidney: BJ, have you always had such trouble keeping to one decision?
Hawkeye: Well that's convenient that a cave in sealed the cave right up. I wonder what will happen next.
Sidney: I'm supposed to be an expert, and in my opinion, laying down would increase the sensation that the room is shrinking.
Peg: Hawkeye, you can't breath?
Hawkeye: I guess not.
"Ex-claustophobic?"
"Actually, yeah. Add a fear of heights and you get me." Hawkeye laid back with his head on B.J.'s lap.
"Y'know, that hole is big enough to get out of.....once the shelling stops. And this is a pretty big cave," Hawkeye said, rationalizing with himself. "I think I need another drink." The two men moved at the same time, causing Hawkeye to brush against B.J.'s thigh. They stared at eacother for a moment before. Hawkeye laughed lightly and took a swig.
BJ: I'm an ex-claustrophobic with a fear of heights?
Sidney: No, you're an ex-claustophobic with a fear of heights.
Hawkeye: How does one get to be an "ex-claustrophobic"?
Sidney: Hawkeye, if I could figure that out, I'd be a rich man.
Charles: I refuse to even begin correcting those grammar and spelling errors.
Margaret: I thought there was a cave-in. Where did the hole come from?
Colonel Potter: Especially one large enough for Pierce and Hunnicut.
Peg: I never knew a cave to grow.
Hawkeye: Happens all the time., especially after a cave-in.
"Um, I...uh...sorry-" Hawkeye hushed him by running his hand over his friend's hair. B.J. leaned into Hawkeye's hand, lapping up the human contact. Hawkeye leaned in for a kiss, B.J., however pulled away, "Peg-"
"Will understand." Hawkeye pulled B.J. into a tender kiss that quickly grew rough and hunrgy. B.J. laid Hawkeye back down and snaked his hand up onto his tent-mate's chest. " Do you trust me?" B.J. answered him with a kiss.
"Hawkeye, I need you," B.J. whispered. "Make love to me." Hawkeye glady obeyed his new lover.
BJ: What am I sorry for? He touched my thigh.
Peg: Where did all that come from?
Charles: I think this is what is commonly termed a "plot hole." It happens when a writer is too lazy, or in this case... incompetent to fill in the gaps of a story correctly to keep it flowing nicely.
Margaret: A kiss makes you lovers?
Colonel Potter: Back in my day it did.
Sara's Voice: I don't think Megan Faye was born at the same time as you, though, Colonel.
Colonel Potter: That's probably true.
LJ told us that fifteen pages was too long to post, so the next part is in my next update.