(no subject)
I came home from Hawaii Sunday night. I appear to be unhappy in my daily routine. And yet, I appear to have been unhappy when I was in Hawaii as well. I constantly talk about wanting to go on vacation and getting away from the stresses of my daily life. But, when I am on vacation, I am continually stressed out as well. Though, I must say, this Hawaii trip was not a vacation. I did have to participate in the conference and give a presentation about my research. But, it was a vacation in the sense that I was away from home. Away from the stresses of this reality. Away. I was just away. However, I was continually stressed out. I worried about my money situation. I worried about whether or not the conference was going to procure a job for me in my future endeavors. I worried about my kitties and whether or not Mark was truly taking care of them. I just worried. I constantly worried. This makes me sad. This makes me wonder if I could ever be truly happy on a vacation. Will I constantly worry about money and not enjoy my time out? Will I constantly be the harpy that hounds everyone about being on a certain timed routine? Will I ever relax and just enjoy myself and not worry about shit? The only time that I was able to relax on this trip was when I had a drink in my hand. And even then, I was worried about whether I would get back to my hotel room safely. This is bad. I didn't realize how bad my anxiety and stress was until this trip. I knew that I had bad anxiety on the freeways, and I knew that I was constantly stressed over school. But, I also always thought that on vacation I would be able to let loose and just have fun. This is entirely untrue. I am a stress case. I have bad anxiety.
I am starting to contemplate whether I should go to a hypnotherapist in order to get rid of this constant plague of thoughts and horrors. It might end up being my only relief. I honestly don't know what to do.