Too Tired To Care Anymore
My sleep patterns are completely off right now. I haven't slept soundly through the nights since January. My head hurts. For awhile I thought that it had something to do with my father...his being diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, and then his sudden passing a few weeks later. This can't be the case...there is no proof that this could even come close to being the case...because he has passed, I thought that I had dealt with the grief, and yet I still wake up crying in the middle of the night...if it is not tears, it is night sweats. I am not sure which is worse. *sighs* I get headaches constantly...pounding...pounding...pounding...and my pinky finger keeps going numb on my left hand. It is dreadful. And I am beginning to get worried about it. But, I don't want to tell people exactly how worried I really am.
I look at the clock and see that it is normally past the time in which I should go to bed. Nothing was accomplished today. I didn't wake up early, even though my alarm was set for a decent time so I could work on my thesis all day. This did not happen. I didn't even open a book to read for my thesis. I didn't do anything involving it at all. This bothers me.
I feel as though I need some sort of vacation right now...to get away from the mess that is in my head...but what is this going to do for me? When I was in Hawaii, I didn't make the best of it over there. I wonder if that is how I am going to be leading my life now? Constantly worrying? Always being tired? Either sleeping too much or too little? And never enjoying life? I worry about this. And that worry stresses me out. Little pieces of life come off of me as I continually sit here and worry about this. It makes me more tired than I already am. But, I fear sleeping. Will I wake up crying in the middle of the night again? Will it be sweats tonight? Such anticipation is not good for my soul.
Every night I have been going to bed with my thoughts focused on my dad. I wonder what would have happened if my mother and father would have stayed together. What would I have become? Would he have died? Would I still be the person that I am today? What would I be?
And these are the thoughts that plague me. These are the thoughts that cause my insomnia and bring on the headaches.
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