i wanna be on top!
do anyone else find this picture funny? not really hilarious but still, funny.
the girl on top is not really tiny, but she is beautiful and has a gorgeous body.
i think i look more like the bottom girl, but fatter.
the girl on top is the best friend of a girl i used to be friends with and am extremely jealous of... i'm not even sure why.
but she's pretty and she's skinny (tho not ana skinny) and she parties and does what she likes and she's... idunno, but she perfect. shes uninhibited.
sometimes i feel like what i want to do, what i want to say, and what i want to be is all stuck inside me. like there's this amazing person inside who's all i want to be but she can't get out. she cant show herself becos whats on the inside doesn't match whats on the outside.
the inside is funny, and loves to dance and sing and show off and be the centre of attention.
the outside is fat.
the outside cannot comply with what the inside wants becos if the outside were to do that, it wouldn't be done in the way that the inside wants it to be done.
becos the outside is weighed down by insecurities and this filthy layer of fat, and scarred skin and pimples.
the inside is stuck.
stuck in a trap. and i'm trying to dig her out. and i am. little by little.
there is the inside and the outside and there is me.
and in order for me to reach self-actualisation, i (me) has to match up the inside and the outside in order to be happy in myself and not experience this anxiety that is caused by the imbalance between the two levels of self....
that's the psychology student in me right there.
fucking move aside Freud!
anyway, onto other things. i wanna be thegirl on top. she's so skinny and pretty and she's fucking dominating the fat bitch at the bottom. (no offence meant to the bottom girl of course. i'm not really trying to judge her - i'm judging me, at my weight right now and putting myself as her..... if that makes sense. i'm sure she's a lovely person.)
86 days to go till competition end.
where did the time go? i want to lose 18 kilos b y then.... but thats only 12 weeks.
little bit of panic setting in.
but that belly with the tattoo stars.... stunning.