that girl, veganism and outside vs inside.
i have a new body envy at the gym.
she's freaking perfect. she's toned, she's skinny, long blonde hair, tanned, sweet tattoo, she can lift so much weight and exercise so hard.
jealous. i need to get to that level. whatever level it is. i need more body pump. i've been upping my protein. with like protein bars and tempeh to see if that helps me. cos i seriously feel like i'm working hard for nothing and as a veghead i'm not getting enough protein for the food i'm eating (or my protein comes in totally carbed up)
anyway. i wouldnt be this fat if i could just stop binging. having restrictions on me makes it easier for me to 'diet'. so instance my vegan days. but being vegan is not the same as being healthy. you know they have vegan ice cream? they're called tofutti cuties and they're so fucking good. i mean i'd have them in replace of regular icecream. they come in little bars, like ice cream sandwiches and they're 130cal each.
but whatever. i'm off the ice cream and i'm off the crap. its 2010. this is a new year and a new me. i'm 21 soon, legal to drink in every county and i wanna become proud of who i am. or i just wanna be able to wear a bikini. and maybe have someone be interested in dating me, because seriously, only one person in my life has ever asked me out so i'm guessing that means i'm disgusting to look at. i can't tell anymore you know. i mean i'm totally disgusted with myself when i look in the mirror, but i look at other people and think 'thank god i dont look like that or id just die' but maybe that's what other people think when they look at me.
i mean, i'm trying to be more girly. i've been wearing makeup, not much but still, and i've been buying dresses and stuff.
honestly i just wish i could see myself from the outside, see what i look like and what i am like from other peoples p.o.v. because for me, life is almost 100% of the time being ashamed of what i'm thinking, and what i'm feeling (if anything) and what i'm doing. i'm never doing what i should be doing. if i'm at the gym i'm not training hard enough, if i'm at work i'm not working hard enough, if i'm at home i'm not studying enough, if i'm on the couch i'm not socialising enough, if i'm socialising i'm not studying/working/training enough. its just one big guilt thought process..
whatever.
xx.
she's freaking perfect. she's toned, she's skinny, long blonde hair, tanned, sweet tattoo, she can lift so much weight and exercise so hard.
jealous. i need to get to that level. whatever level it is. i need more body pump. i've been upping my protein. with like protein bars and tempeh to see if that helps me. cos i seriously feel like i'm working hard for nothing and as a veghead i'm not getting enough protein for the food i'm eating (or my protein comes in totally carbed up)
anyway. i wouldnt be this fat if i could just stop binging. having restrictions on me makes it easier for me to 'diet'. so instance my vegan days. but being vegan is not the same as being healthy. you know they have vegan ice cream? they're called tofutti cuties and they're so fucking good. i mean i'd have them in replace of regular icecream. they come in little bars, like ice cream sandwiches and they're 130cal each.
but whatever. i'm off the ice cream and i'm off the crap. its 2010. this is a new year and a new me. i'm 21 soon, legal to drink in every county and i wanna become proud of who i am. or i just wanna be able to wear a bikini. and maybe have someone be interested in dating me, because seriously, only one person in my life has ever asked me out so i'm guessing that means i'm disgusting to look at. i can't tell anymore you know. i mean i'm totally disgusted with myself when i look in the mirror, but i look at other people and think 'thank god i dont look like that or id just die' but maybe that's what other people think when they look at me.
i mean, i'm trying to be more girly. i've been wearing makeup, not much but still, and i've been buying dresses and stuff.
honestly i just wish i could see myself from the outside, see what i look like and what i am like from other peoples p.o.v. because for me, life is almost 100% of the time being ashamed of what i'm thinking, and what i'm feeling (if anything) and what i'm doing. i'm never doing what i should be doing. if i'm at the gym i'm not training hard enough, if i'm at work i'm not working hard enough, if i'm at home i'm not studying enough, if i'm on the couch i'm not socialising enough, if i'm socialising i'm not studying/working/training enough. its just one big guilt thought process..
whatever.
xx.