Bisexuality and Assuming Heterosexuality as a Default
Janelle Asselin, a writer and editor best known in comic book circles for editing the Batman group of books for DC Comics, recently came out as bisexual. Which I don't think really shocked too many people. But she touched on something that I thought was pretty interesting.
Reflecting on actress Ellen Page's coming out as a lesbian a day earlier, she touched on the fact that people tend to assume everybody is heterosexual until proven otherwise, and how people who aren't in fact heterosexual can feel easier that it's to just let people keep assuming. And Asselin does bring up an interesting point - when you're a bisexual dating (or, in her case, engaged to) someone of the opposite sex, it's much easier to pass as heterosexual by omission. If you're a closeted lesbian and you never date guys, sooner or later, people are going to start wondering. But if you are a bisexual woman dating a guy, nobody is going to wonder, but it wouldn't even occur for people to wonder when heterosexuality seems so self-evident.
People assume when you’re in a monogamous relationship with a man that you’re straight, especially when you look fairly traditionally feminine as I do. It’s many people’s automatic default. And for me, it’s been easier to just be straight Janelle who is marrying a man than it is to be bi Janelle which seems to require a lot more explaining and weirdness.
Asselin goes on to touch on something a lot of people don't think about - bisexual individuals' place in gay rights movement.
I especially feel awkward around the LGBTQ folks that I haven’t come out to yet, because I recognize as a bi woman who is with a man in a seemingly heteronormative relationship, I have it a lot easier than most of them. It seems presumptuous to be like “hey, I’m one of you!” because I don’t face a lot of the same issues.
One thing I've noticed when doing research for Urbis Arcana's bisexual characters (there is more than one - it's just that others haven't appeared in anything I posted publicly yet) is that a lot of bisexual individuals feel awkward about being part of the gay rights movement for precisely that reason. Or talking about their orientation in general. Especially since some people (straight and homosexual) don't treat bisexuality as an actual orientation. Oh, they're just experimenting. Oh, they're just trying to get attention. Oh, they're just gay/lesbian and in denial.
For God's sake, Dan Savage only acknowledged that bisexuality might actually be a thing a few years ago - and even now, he doesn't seem entirely sure. And he's one of the most popular advice columnists in United States (gay or otherwise).
Coming out as bisexual may not seem as big of a deal as coming out as gay, or lesbians, or even trans. But I think Asselin's post explains why it is important come out as bisexual quite well.
I’ve struggled for some time with making an “announcement” versus just keeping on the way I’ve been going but honestly, this is my way of ripping off the Band-Aid. I’m marrying a man, it’s not like people will ever find out through my relationship, and telling people individually is both awkward and unnecessary. On the other hand, the idea that I need to come out because people presume anything is sort of ridiculous. But I think I need to do this for myself. There’s no going back from here, and I want it that way. This forces me to be more truly who I am every day with no pretending. Maybe I’ll never talk about this publicly again. Maybe I’ll get more involved with LGBTQ activism. I don’t know. I just know I’m tired of having to feel like I’m not being myself simply because people have assumed a default straightness about me. And I hope someone learns something from that and stops assuming default anything about people.
Emphasis mine.
Ultimately, I'm posting this here because I think it was a brave thing to do. A worthwhile thing to do. And the more we hear from actual bisexual people, the less likely we are to reduce them to stereotypes. And yes, make assumptions.
In closing, I wanted to embed a video by openly bisexual Internet personality and cosplayer Meg Turney, which touches on a lot of the topics Asselin's post did - and other things that are uniquely her own.
Reflecting on actress Ellen Page's coming out as a lesbian a day earlier, she touched on the fact that people tend to assume everybody is heterosexual until proven otherwise, and how people who aren't in fact heterosexual can feel easier that it's to just let people keep assuming. And Asselin does bring up an interesting point - when you're a bisexual dating (or, in her case, engaged to) someone of the opposite sex, it's much easier to pass as heterosexual by omission. If you're a closeted lesbian and you never date guys, sooner or later, people are going to start wondering. But if you are a bisexual woman dating a guy, nobody is going to wonder, but it wouldn't even occur for people to wonder when heterosexuality seems so self-evident.
People assume when you’re in a monogamous relationship with a man that you’re straight, especially when you look fairly traditionally feminine as I do. It’s many people’s automatic default. And for me, it’s been easier to just be straight Janelle who is marrying a man than it is to be bi Janelle which seems to require a lot more explaining and weirdness.
Asselin goes on to touch on something a lot of people don't think about - bisexual individuals' place in gay rights movement.
I especially feel awkward around the LGBTQ folks that I haven’t come out to yet, because I recognize as a bi woman who is with a man in a seemingly heteronormative relationship, I have it a lot easier than most of them. It seems presumptuous to be like “hey, I’m one of you!” because I don’t face a lot of the same issues.
One thing I've noticed when doing research for Urbis Arcana's bisexual characters (there is more than one - it's just that others haven't appeared in anything I posted publicly yet) is that a lot of bisexual individuals feel awkward about being part of the gay rights movement for precisely that reason. Or talking about their orientation in general. Especially since some people (straight and homosexual) don't treat bisexuality as an actual orientation. Oh, they're just experimenting. Oh, they're just trying to get attention. Oh, they're just gay/lesbian and in denial.
For God's sake, Dan Savage only acknowledged that bisexuality might actually be a thing a few years ago - and even now, he doesn't seem entirely sure. And he's one of the most popular advice columnists in United States (gay or otherwise).
Coming out as bisexual may not seem as big of a deal as coming out as gay, or lesbians, or even trans. But I think Asselin's post explains why it is important come out as bisexual quite well.
I’ve struggled for some time with making an “announcement” versus just keeping on the way I’ve been going but honestly, this is my way of ripping off the Band-Aid. I’m marrying a man, it’s not like people will ever find out through my relationship, and telling people individually is both awkward and unnecessary. On the other hand, the idea that I need to come out because people presume anything is sort of ridiculous. But I think I need to do this for myself. There’s no going back from here, and I want it that way. This forces me to be more truly who I am every day with no pretending. Maybe I’ll never talk about this publicly again. Maybe I’ll get more involved with LGBTQ activism. I don’t know. I just know I’m tired of having to feel like I’m not being myself simply because people have assumed a default straightness about me. And I hope someone learns something from that and stops assuming default anything about people.
Emphasis mine.
Ultimately, I'm posting this here because I think it was a brave thing to do. A worthwhile thing to do. And the more we hear from actual bisexual people, the less likely we are to reduce them to stereotypes. And yes, make assumptions.
In closing, I wanted to embed a video by openly bisexual Internet personality and cosplayer Meg Turney, which touches on a lot of the topics Asselin's post did - and other things that are uniquely her own.
Click to view