RP Log with agentfraser
[Follows THIS]
James was so nervous, he was making himself feel sick. He had his hands shoved in the pockets of his black business jacket as he stood staring blankly at a fashiony-looking picture on the wall of Harri's office waiting room. He refused to look out the window. It wasn't his fault he hated heights with a fucking passion. Who knew when a window might suddenly fail and suck you out? He looked every bit the intimidating FBI Special Agent, with his dark sunglasses even perched on top of his head, but inside, he felt anything but. For starters, he suspected Harri's PA hated his guts if the filthy look she gave him was anything to go by. At this point in time, he didn't even know if she would pass on the message he wanted to see Harri, and if she did, there was even more chance Harri would reject the request.
And he couldn't blame her. He just really hoped she didn't. As fucked up as it was, he missed her. He still had some feelings for her, whether it was just because she was the mother of his baby or something else. If anything their bunch had learned over the years, it was that you just couldn't switch feelings off. It is what got him into this whole mess to start with. Things had been going okay, and then they just weren't. The thing was, he and Izzy were still trying to claw back their relationship feet. Neither really knew if it would work in the long run, but they were trying. The only reason James broke up with Harri was because he knew it wasn't fair to her to continue their relationship as long as he still had feelings for Izzy. The only thing was, they needed to figure out that the feelings were what they had been in the past, and the only way they could do that was by taking the time to experience each other all over again. James was different these days, even if he seemed the same a lot of the time. Inside, he had changed a lot, and one of the biggest things factoring that was that in less than two months, he was going to be a father. It was all-encompassing in his mind and whatever happened, he just needed to see Harri so they could talk about their son.
At the end of the day, with whatever had passed between then, he was still that - their son.
Harri sat on the sofa in her office, her baby bump getting too large to fit behind her desk. Truth was she should have probably been back at Aiden's place in Princeton and on maternity leave but she hated the idea of sitting around with nothing to do. She'd come in with the intention of working, and she had actually gotten quite a few things done, but now James fucking Fraser was standing out there waiting to see her. She'd fed her PA a bullshit line about being in the middle of something, but all she was doing was staring angrily at the wall opposite trying to work out how the hell she was supposed to deal with James without screaming at him.
She did still love him, and she missed him, and he was the father of the child she was carrying, but she couldn't forgive what he'd done. She was still kicking herself for not realising sooner that it would be inevitable he slept with Isabel, even if she gave him permission. There would be no getting it out of his system, she had been his wife at some point after all. Harri had just been... she didn't even know anymore. She just knew she was planning on keeping her heart locked up tighther than before. Only Aiden, and her son would get to it now.
She let out a sigh, and pushed up off the sofa to make her way back over to her desk so she could buzz her PA and tell her to let James come through.
The PA, evidently, wasn't happy with the news Harri was accepting James' request. In fact, it was probably a miracle James didn't end up with a stapler lodged in his forehead. He didn't meet her eyes as she rose to go and open the door for him. Seems she valued her job too much to actually jeopardise her assistant ettiquette, Harri probably making it clear that any secretary of hers had to be pristine and professional in their job. There was an icy silence when James finally was admitted to Harri's office, and the PA took it upon herself to hover a little longer than necessary in the doorway like some sort of trumped up bodyguard. James turned and this time met her eyes with his own look that clearly told her to fuck off or he would make things uncomfortable for her. It was only then that the office door was closed, and Harri and James were left alone for the first time in weeks.
He was suddenly lost for words, and his hands stayed firmly planted in his pockets. He let out a slow breath, trying to regain some composure as he looked over her face. Something washed over him that just felt like saddness, probably mixed with regret. "I'm sorry to bother you," he told her quietly. And he was. He was sorry they were in the position he had to keep things bordering on professional between them. "I just... I think there are some things we need to talk about."
Harri had been watching the door, making sure her secretary had really shut it after her. If the woman even tried to eavesdrop, she was gone. Harri's blue eyes flicked to James' face, and she arched an eyebrow, keeping her expression as neutral as possible. "I assume they're important if you are choosing to bother me. Not to mention interrupt your own schedule with this visit. No doubt you have more important... things to be doing."
"Actually, I don't. I've taken the rest of the day off to come see you. I didn't know if I would have to camp out to get you to agree to see me. In fact, these is nothing more important than this to me," James told her honestly. He remained standing near the door and fought the urge to hug himself like a protective shield. This was harder than he had even anticipate, and he had anticipated it badly.
Harri rubbed her hand over her swollen belly before she gestured at one of the arm chairs near the sofa, indicating James should sit. She buzzed her PA again and told her to hold all calls, cutting her secretary off before she could argue otherwise. Harri took a seat on the sofa, and made herself comfortable again. There was only so much standing she could do lately. She'd kicked off her shoes long ago, glad she'd carpeted the office floor. Made it easier for her to go barefoot. "It was tempting to make you wait longer, but I'm not a complete bitch. So what's so important to you, James?" She bit her tongue to stop herself from adding anything about her not being important to him. She really was trying not to insult him at every turn. She could be civilised. Mostly.
James unbuttoned his jacket and sat down, trying not to look too awkward in doing do. "The baby, first and foremost," he told her quietly. "I know I... you..." he tried to begin, but everything he wanted to say rushed to the forefront at once, impeding his ability to rationalise what should be said first. He bit down on his lip and closed his eyes briefly, his fingers curling around the end of the chair's arm rests. "I just need to know where I stand with him, at the very least."
"You're his father," Harri answered without hesitation. "I'm not going to stop you have anything to do with him. I know what it's like to have absent parents, whether they chose to be, or were forced to be. I also understand just how important family is to you. It's what you came back for. I'm not going to replace you, I'm not going to stop you being with him." She actually hadn't been sure what she was going to do in regards to James and his son, but as she spoke, she knew that she was making the right choice. As much as she was angry with him for ditching her so easily, Harri did understand how important his son was to him. She wasn't going to run the risk of her son winding up with parents like hers.
"That sounds good in theory, but considering we can hardly be in the same room together without tension thick enough to cut with a knife, how is that going to affect him at the end of the day?" James asked her, trying not to shift in the seat. It was trendy and felt like it was swallowing his arse. Maybe that was the whole point, she could trap her clients and hook them before they could get up and run. "I just didn't know how things were going to... progress, or whatever. I know Cameron is stepping back, but I don't want that. I would never have wanted that."
"I didn't expect you would. I'll work on the tension as best I can, but you have to understand that it's going to take more time. I can't just be all smiles, and happy to see you. As much as you still mean to me, I'm not ready to be friendly. Maybe by the time Campbell comes I will be. Fuck knows giving birth is supposed to change you." Harri looked at him, eyes searching his as she tried to work out how he was supposed to make her feel now. Mostly she could just start to feel the hole in her heart niggle away, even as if she spent most of the time ignoring it.
James put his hand up and rubbed his fingers through the back of his hair. It was a nervous gesture and he drew in a small breath as everything felt like it choked him up. He was close to crying, and he hated it, but only because he knew there was no way to fix everything he had done. When he spoke, his voice was hoarse and choke and he blinked away the tears that appeared in his eyes. "I appreciate that," he told her. "I don't expect you to be anything but angry and bitter towards me, and you're more than entitled to that. Like I said, I never even expected you to see me. I just hoped you would. I've been thinking about you alot, thinking about our son. Just hoping you're both as okay as you can be."
Harri was still watching him, and felt a small twinge at seeing him upset. A part of her wanted to comfort him, but it wasn't her job anymore. It was up to Isabel to comfort James now. "We're fine. Aiden has been taking good care of me." She cleared her throat, letting her hand rest on her stomach. "Cameron's been of some... help as well."
James nodded, unable to answer immediately. He figured Aiden would step up to the plate. It made James feel like he was going to be defunct. Aiden would probably end up more prominent in the kid's life than James was by the time he factored his work into the picture. Where Harri would probably spend a lot of time hanging out with Aiden, wherever they were, James would probably need to book appointments to spend time with his son. And the realisation hurt. "I'm glad you're okay with asking for help. I know it mustn't be easy for you," he murmured. "I spoke to Pat. He mentioned briefly... stuff... I'm glad Cameron's helping you with whatever before he goes home."
"It was better than coming to you for sexual relief," Harri answered before she could stop herself. She could understand that this was hurting him, especially knowing Aiden was helping her. He was filling in where James should have been, and Harri couldn't bring herslef to apologise. "Things are complicated enough as it is without more cheating."
James reeled inwardly when he realised what she was implying. Outwardly, his features barely reacted. It wasn't any of his business if Harri slept with Cameron, and it wasn't the actual act of it that was bothering him. It was just weird, and felt wrong. Very wrong. He just watched her at first, swallowing back a horrible taste at the back of his throat. If he stopped and thought about it too much, he would just end up feeling sick. "That's none of my business," he responded calmly.
"You're right." Harri looked down at her stomach, and let out a sigh before meeting James' gaze again. "I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to suddenly not be your... whatever the fuck I was. I hate this."
"I'm sorry. I know you don't probably believe that, but I am. But I didn't know what to do and it came down to hurting you and being honest with you, or hurting you and lying to you. I promised you I would never lie to you again. I tried telling you I would hurt you, and it's the last thing I wanted to do, but would you have really just accepted I still had feelings for another woman and pretended they didn't exist, knowing deep down they did? And you know the fucked up thing? I don't even really know what those feelings are. I just know there is something there, but whatever it is might not end up being anything, and I could still lose everything. Again. Everything in my life for the last five years has been a fucked mess and there is no way for me to know anymore what I should do. Everytime I try to be happy, something comes along and throws it off the tracks. Right now, all I can focus on as a lifeline is my son, because I'm hoping that no matter what I've done in the past, he'll be able to forgive me for it and let me be something I think I might actually be okay at. Being a Dad," James told her and pressed his lips together slightly so he didn't lose it. "All the other love in my life comes with conditions and bad history. With my son, it's just a feeling I've never experienced before, and I don't want to lose that."
Harri shifted up to other side of the sofa so that she was close to James, and reached out for his hand and held it against her stomach. The baby had been kicking more and more lately, and she had noticed since James had been in the office, that their son seemed excited by his father's presence. "I don't want you to lose it either."
James could feel the soft movements against his hand and closed his eyes, it becoming impossible to fight the tears anymore. Why did everything have to suck so much all the time? He had always imagined that when the time came for him to have his first kid, he would be happily married and sharing every moment of it with his wife, who he adored and wanted to give the world to. It wasn't exactly a white picket fence fantasy, but at least he was happy in it. Things were right in it. How were things ever going to be right again? How was he supposed to explain to his first kid why he wasn't with his Mum? Even if he was an accident, and a shock, it had changed. Now James just wanted to meet him, and hope he didn't fuck him up. He was more confused than ever now, but what was the point? He had made his choice, only as each new day with Izzy ticked over, he got a niggle in his gut part of her heart still lay elsewhere. Was that ever really going to change? "I don't even know what to say anymore," he whispered hoarsely.
Harri's lips pressed together as she watched him, not really sure what she was supposed to say herself. She wanted it back how it had been, them living together and trying to find their domestic equilibrium. Neither of them had planned the pregnancy but they had been getting a rhythm, and they had been in love. Only Harri just felt like it had been worth shit. She couldn't argue his need to find out what he shared with Izzy, she would rather his honesty than being lied to, and trying to pretend anything. She let go of his hand, but didn't make any move to take his off her belly. "You'll always be his father, James."
"Anyone can be a father," James mumbled. He was glad he had taken the rest of the day off. After this, he would probably either go home and hide in bed or bury himself in backlogged case notes. "It takes a whole lot more of everything to be a Dad, and a good one. Maybe you are just better having Aiden help you out."
Harri sighed. "Self pity doesn't suit you. I need Aiden because I can't heal my heart, and be a mother. Same as Ali couldn't, but she had to learn to. I'm selfish, so I'm taking Aiden's help. You could have have stayed with me, and our son, but you have to work out what's going on with Isabel. If... if you ever decide we're something you think you could want again, maybe there's a chance to try again. I don't know. I don't know as much as I thought I did, and I'm sorry."
James gave a hint of a laugh with held no humour. "That's not self pity, I'm stating a fact. You forget what self pity is when you actually have enough reason in your life to be miserable. Ali would vouch for that. Things just..." He shook his head. "I don't know if we're just clutching to what was in the past, but can never be again now after everything. Things aren't anywhere. Ali lost her baby, and it was terrible. She miscarried in the bathroom of Luke's bar at Andrew's birthday party. Andrew started drinking again when Ali pushed him away. Izzy and I nearly fucked her over again by accident. Mark has signed his parental rights to Jamie over to Ali so Andrew can adopt her, and it devastated him. There's just not been any time to see anything with Izzy and me through the painful haze, and maybe there never will be. But we made our choice, and if it doesn't work, we have to to live with everything we lost. No matter what you think, I still loved you when I told you about Izzy. I just didn't want to lie to you. Now I'm in exactly the same boat all over again. Try to pretend feelings aren't there when I know fuck well they are."
Harri's eyebrow arched upwards at the last part. "What feelings?" She wasn't going to argue that things had been hard, and complicated. She knew damn well they had been. She'd also made sure Ali had been okay, keeping their friendship alive. She wasn't giving up on it just because she wasn't with James. There were some things she couldn't just cut out. "I appreciate you not lying to me, but that hardly makes up for how painful it was. I gave you my heart, James. No one else has had it. Now I remember why."
"I told you I would hurt you," James told her, meeting her eyes again. "And I told you that because even though everyone else can't see it, I know everything that is packed into my head, from my jobs to losing David, to losing Izzy, to losing you, to knowing how much I left Ali high and dry, to not knowing how to help my brother in his heartache. I know that emotionally, I have fallen off the wagon more than I have gotten back onto it. Emotionally, I don't know where the fuck I stand. I didn't know where the fuck I stood when I met you, either. I was someone else. Now I'm trying to be me again. I warned you over and over again, Harri, that I didn't know what I was doing and that you might get hurt because of it. I've told you I was sorry, but I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing anymore. Everyone says you can't love two people, but they never give me any clues of how I'm supposed to feel inside, and all I feel is lost. I stay, things hurt. I go away to try and make a clean break, things hurt. I can't apologise enough, but as long as I'm still hurting myself, how could I ever know how to not hurt other people? I just want to be happy, only I'm incapable of knowing what that is anymore. I don't know if I have enough of me left to give anyone, but I'm trying. I just know that if there is even just a small piece of me left, right now there is only one person who has to get that." He pointed to her swollen stomach. "My son."
Harri reached out to grab his hand, and held it as she kissed the back of it. It was all she could manage, with her baby bump she wasn't sure she'd be able to get up and kiss his forehead without knocking him out. "I want you happy to, even if I was wishing your balls would shrivel up and drop off for days on end. I'm sorry if I couldn't give you happiness, and I'm sorry if you won't be able to find it with Isabel because you're doubting yourself. I will, however, be glad if you can find it with our son."
James closed his eyes and rested his forehead against her fingers. This wasn't fair. It wasn't fucking fair. Why couldn't he just know in his gut not what he wanted, but what he needed? Why, when he had been with Harri, did it feel so much like he needed Izzy, and now, that he was with Izzy, did it feel so much like he needed Harri? In the meantime, he had caused Cameron to feel the only route was to step away from Izzy and his own kids. James had probably potentially ruined everything for the guy that he so desperately needed with his own son. Their son. This realisation caused a sob to catch in his throat. How had he stolen something so precious from someone in a stupid moment of weakness? But they had made their choice. He and Izzy were trying to make something work again, and it wasn't that it wasn't working. It was, maybe better than it ever had with them. Only, what was it that was working? There was the warmth there, the comfort and familiarity. The friendship. The deep, undeniable loving friendship. But were their hearts really there for a passionate and romantic relationship? Did they even want that off each other anymore, or was the sex they had just for comfort and security? For reminding each other they weren't dead, and still had each other? He loved Izzy, and always had done, but was that special little spark that had the heart turning in somersaults there anymore or was it just loving affection that wasn't ever going to die between them? "Can I be there when he's born?" he asked in a whisper, squeezing his hand tightly. "Please? I don't want to miss it. I want to be there for you both."
Harri gave a nod, her blue eyes fixed on him. "Yes. Just don't blame if I do try and rip your dick off. It won't be too personal." She shifted in her seat, grunting as a bolt of pain shot through her back. But there was something else, something else much more worrying as she kept looking at James, and felt a familiar heat creep throughout her body, and start to make her pulse with need. "You need to go now, James. Before I try and jump you despite the beach ball."
James stood up stiffly and nodded. "Yeah, of course." He hadn't actually taken in what she said, just that she wanted him to go and he knew he had to respect that. He could hardly think straight and his head was starting to do that pressured throbbing thing again. "Just, um... if you need anything, give me a call," he told her, shoving his hands into his pockets so he didn't try to reach for her. He had to get out of there too before he did anything he would regret.
Harri was already doing something she regretted as she pulled him in for a kiss, managing it despite the baby bump between them. "I can't call you with what I need," she said helplessly when she'd broken the kiss off. "You're with her now. I'm sorry about the--I couldn't help it. I did warn you."
James touched his lips and looked at her in shock for a few moments. He blinked, trying to wade through the confusion and took a step towards the door. "I-I'll go," he said and looked away, heading out the door as quickly as he could. He couldn't take this anymore. If he didn't get out, he would screw everything up all over again. He had tears in his eyes as he escaped her office, but shot her receptionist a filthy look as he left, just to try and make himself feel better. He knew, however, he had no one to blame but himself.
Words: 4366
James was so nervous, he was making himself feel sick. He had his hands shoved in the pockets of his black business jacket as he stood staring blankly at a fashiony-looking picture on the wall of Harri's office waiting room. He refused to look out the window. It wasn't his fault he hated heights with a fucking passion. Who knew when a window might suddenly fail and suck you out? He looked every bit the intimidating FBI Special Agent, with his dark sunglasses even perched on top of his head, but inside, he felt anything but. For starters, he suspected Harri's PA hated his guts if the filthy look she gave him was anything to go by. At this point in time, he didn't even know if she would pass on the message he wanted to see Harri, and if she did, there was even more chance Harri would reject the request.
And he couldn't blame her. He just really hoped she didn't. As fucked up as it was, he missed her. He still had some feelings for her, whether it was just because she was the mother of his baby or something else. If anything their bunch had learned over the years, it was that you just couldn't switch feelings off. It is what got him into this whole mess to start with. Things had been going okay, and then they just weren't. The thing was, he and Izzy were still trying to claw back their relationship feet. Neither really knew if it would work in the long run, but they were trying. The only reason James broke up with Harri was because he knew it wasn't fair to her to continue their relationship as long as he still had feelings for Izzy. The only thing was, they needed to figure out that the feelings were what they had been in the past, and the only way they could do that was by taking the time to experience each other all over again. James was different these days, even if he seemed the same a lot of the time. Inside, he had changed a lot, and one of the biggest things factoring that was that in less than two months, he was going to be a father. It was all-encompassing in his mind and whatever happened, he just needed to see Harri so they could talk about their son.
At the end of the day, with whatever had passed between then, he was still that - their son.
Harri sat on the sofa in her office, her baby bump getting too large to fit behind her desk. Truth was she should have probably been back at Aiden's place in Princeton and on maternity leave but she hated the idea of sitting around with nothing to do. She'd come in with the intention of working, and she had actually gotten quite a few things done, but now James fucking Fraser was standing out there waiting to see her. She'd fed her PA a bullshit line about being in the middle of something, but all she was doing was staring angrily at the wall opposite trying to work out how the hell she was supposed to deal with James without screaming at him.
She did still love him, and she missed him, and he was the father of the child she was carrying, but she couldn't forgive what he'd done. She was still kicking herself for not realising sooner that it would be inevitable he slept with Isabel, even if she gave him permission. There would be no getting it out of his system, she had been his wife at some point after all. Harri had just been... she didn't even know anymore. She just knew she was planning on keeping her heart locked up tighther than before. Only Aiden, and her son would get to it now.
She let out a sigh, and pushed up off the sofa to make her way back over to her desk so she could buzz her PA and tell her to let James come through.
The PA, evidently, wasn't happy with the news Harri was accepting James' request. In fact, it was probably a miracle James didn't end up with a stapler lodged in his forehead. He didn't meet her eyes as she rose to go and open the door for him. Seems she valued her job too much to actually jeopardise her assistant ettiquette, Harri probably making it clear that any secretary of hers had to be pristine and professional in their job. There was an icy silence when James finally was admitted to Harri's office, and the PA took it upon herself to hover a little longer than necessary in the doorway like some sort of trumped up bodyguard. James turned and this time met her eyes with his own look that clearly told her to fuck off or he would make things uncomfortable for her. It was only then that the office door was closed, and Harri and James were left alone for the first time in weeks.
He was suddenly lost for words, and his hands stayed firmly planted in his pockets. He let out a slow breath, trying to regain some composure as he looked over her face. Something washed over him that just felt like saddness, probably mixed with regret. "I'm sorry to bother you," he told her quietly. And he was. He was sorry they were in the position he had to keep things bordering on professional between them. "I just... I think there are some things we need to talk about."
Harri had been watching the door, making sure her secretary had really shut it after her. If the woman even tried to eavesdrop, she was gone. Harri's blue eyes flicked to James' face, and she arched an eyebrow, keeping her expression as neutral as possible. "I assume they're important if you are choosing to bother me. Not to mention interrupt your own schedule with this visit. No doubt you have more important... things to be doing."
"Actually, I don't. I've taken the rest of the day off to come see you. I didn't know if I would have to camp out to get you to agree to see me. In fact, these is nothing more important than this to me," James told her honestly. He remained standing near the door and fought the urge to hug himself like a protective shield. This was harder than he had even anticipate, and he had anticipated it badly.
Harri rubbed her hand over her swollen belly before she gestured at one of the arm chairs near the sofa, indicating James should sit. She buzzed her PA again and told her to hold all calls, cutting her secretary off before she could argue otherwise. Harri took a seat on the sofa, and made herself comfortable again. There was only so much standing she could do lately. She'd kicked off her shoes long ago, glad she'd carpeted the office floor. Made it easier for her to go barefoot. "It was tempting to make you wait longer, but I'm not a complete bitch. So what's so important to you, James?" She bit her tongue to stop herself from adding anything about her not being important to him. She really was trying not to insult him at every turn. She could be civilised. Mostly.
James unbuttoned his jacket and sat down, trying not to look too awkward in doing do. "The baby, first and foremost," he told her quietly. "I know I... you..." he tried to begin, but everything he wanted to say rushed to the forefront at once, impeding his ability to rationalise what should be said first. He bit down on his lip and closed his eyes briefly, his fingers curling around the end of the chair's arm rests. "I just need to know where I stand with him, at the very least."
"You're his father," Harri answered without hesitation. "I'm not going to stop you have anything to do with him. I know what it's like to have absent parents, whether they chose to be, or were forced to be. I also understand just how important family is to you. It's what you came back for. I'm not going to replace you, I'm not going to stop you being with him." She actually hadn't been sure what she was going to do in regards to James and his son, but as she spoke, she knew that she was making the right choice. As much as she was angry with him for ditching her so easily, Harri did understand how important his son was to him. She wasn't going to run the risk of her son winding up with parents like hers.
"That sounds good in theory, but considering we can hardly be in the same room together without tension thick enough to cut with a knife, how is that going to affect him at the end of the day?" James asked her, trying not to shift in the seat. It was trendy and felt like it was swallowing his arse. Maybe that was the whole point, she could trap her clients and hook them before they could get up and run. "I just didn't know how things were going to... progress, or whatever. I know Cameron is stepping back, but I don't want that. I would never have wanted that."
"I didn't expect you would. I'll work on the tension as best I can, but you have to understand that it's going to take more time. I can't just be all smiles, and happy to see you. As much as you still mean to me, I'm not ready to be friendly. Maybe by the time Campbell comes I will be. Fuck knows giving birth is supposed to change you." Harri looked at him, eyes searching his as she tried to work out how he was supposed to make her feel now. Mostly she could just start to feel the hole in her heart niggle away, even as if she spent most of the time ignoring it.
James put his hand up and rubbed his fingers through the back of his hair. It was a nervous gesture and he drew in a small breath as everything felt like it choked him up. He was close to crying, and he hated it, but only because he knew there was no way to fix everything he had done. When he spoke, his voice was hoarse and choke and he blinked away the tears that appeared in his eyes. "I appreciate that," he told her. "I don't expect you to be anything but angry and bitter towards me, and you're more than entitled to that. Like I said, I never even expected you to see me. I just hoped you would. I've been thinking about you alot, thinking about our son. Just hoping you're both as okay as you can be."
Harri was still watching him, and felt a small twinge at seeing him upset. A part of her wanted to comfort him, but it wasn't her job anymore. It was up to Isabel to comfort James now. "We're fine. Aiden has been taking good care of me." She cleared her throat, letting her hand rest on her stomach. "Cameron's been of some... help as well."
James nodded, unable to answer immediately. He figured Aiden would step up to the plate. It made James feel like he was going to be defunct. Aiden would probably end up more prominent in the kid's life than James was by the time he factored his work into the picture. Where Harri would probably spend a lot of time hanging out with Aiden, wherever they were, James would probably need to book appointments to spend time with his son. And the realisation hurt. "I'm glad you're okay with asking for help. I know it mustn't be easy for you," he murmured. "I spoke to Pat. He mentioned briefly... stuff... I'm glad Cameron's helping you with whatever before he goes home."
"It was better than coming to you for sexual relief," Harri answered before she could stop herself. She could understand that this was hurting him, especially knowing Aiden was helping her. He was filling in where James should have been, and Harri couldn't bring herslef to apologise. "Things are complicated enough as it is without more cheating."
James reeled inwardly when he realised what she was implying. Outwardly, his features barely reacted. It wasn't any of his business if Harri slept with Cameron, and it wasn't the actual act of it that was bothering him. It was just weird, and felt wrong. Very wrong. He just watched her at first, swallowing back a horrible taste at the back of his throat. If he stopped and thought about it too much, he would just end up feeling sick. "That's none of my business," he responded calmly.
"You're right." Harri looked down at her stomach, and let out a sigh before meeting James' gaze again. "I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to suddenly not be your... whatever the fuck I was. I hate this."
"I'm sorry. I know you don't probably believe that, but I am. But I didn't know what to do and it came down to hurting you and being honest with you, or hurting you and lying to you. I promised you I would never lie to you again. I tried telling you I would hurt you, and it's the last thing I wanted to do, but would you have really just accepted I still had feelings for another woman and pretended they didn't exist, knowing deep down they did? And you know the fucked up thing? I don't even really know what those feelings are. I just know there is something there, but whatever it is might not end up being anything, and I could still lose everything. Again. Everything in my life for the last five years has been a fucked mess and there is no way for me to know anymore what I should do. Everytime I try to be happy, something comes along and throws it off the tracks. Right now, all I can focus on as a lifeline is my son, because I'm hoping that no matter what I've done in the past, he'll be able to forgive me for it and let me be something I think I might actually be okay at. Being a Dad," James told her and pressed his lips together slightly so he didn't lose it. "All the other love in my life comes with conditions and bad history. With my son, it's just a feeling I've never experienced before, and I don't want to lose that."
Harri shifted up to other side of the sofa so that she was close to James, and reached out for his hand and held it against her stomach. The baby had been kicking more and more lately, and she had noticed since James had been in the office, that their son seemed excited by his father's presence. "I don't want you to lose it either."
James could feel the soft movements against his hand and closed his eyes, it becoming impossible to fight the tears anymore. Why did everything have to suck so much all the time? He had always imagined that when the time came for him to have his first kid, he would be happily married and sharing every moment of it with his wife, who he adored and wanted to give the world to. It wasn't exactly a white picket fence fantasy, but at least he was happy in it. Things were right in it. How were things ever going to be right again? How was he supposed to explain to his first kid why he wasn't with his Mum? Even if he was an accident, and a shock, it had changed. Now James just wanted to meet him, and hope he didn't fuck him up. He was more confused than ever now, but what was the point? He had made his choice, only as each new day with Izzy ticked over, he got a niggle in his gut part of her heart still lay elsewhere. Was that ever really going to change? "I don't even know what to say anymore," he whispered hoarsely.
Harri's lips pressed together as she watched him, not really sure what she was supposed to say herself. She wanted it back how it had been, them living together and trying to find their domestic equilibrium. Neither of them had planned the pregnancy but they had been getting a rhythm, and they had been in love. Only Harri just felt like it had been worth shit. She couldn't argue his need to find out what he shared with Izzy, she would rather his honesty than being lied to, and trying to pretend anything. She let go of his hand, but didn't make any move to take his off her belly. "You'll always be his father, James."
"Anyone can be a father," James mumbled. He was glad he had taken the rest of the day off. After this, he would probably either go home and hide in bed or bury himself in backlogged case notes. "It takes a whole lot more of everything to be a Dad, and a good one. Maybe you are just better having Aiden help you out."
Harri sighed. "Self pity doesn't suit you. I need Aiden because I can't heal my heart, and be a mother. Same as Ali couldn't, but she had to learn to. I'm selfish, so I'm taking Aiden's help. You could have have stayed with me, and our son, but you have to work out what's going on with Isabel. If... if you ever decide we're something you think you could want again, maybe there's a chance to try again. I don't know. I don't know as much as I thought I did, and I'm sorry."
James gave a hint of a laugh with held no humour. "That's not self pity, I'm stating a fact. You forget what self pity is when you actually have enough reason in your life to be miserable. Ali would vouch for that. Things just..." He shook his head. "I don't know if we're just clutching to what was in the past, but can never be again now after everything. Things aren't anywhere. Ali lost her baby, and it was terrible. She miscarried in the bathroom of Luke's bar at Andrew's birthday party. Andrew started drinking again when Ali pushed him away. Izzy and I nearly fucked her over again by accident. Mark has signed his parental rights to Jamie over to Ali so Andrew can adopt her, and it devastated him. There's just not been any time to see anything with Izzy and me through the painful haze, and maybe there never will be. But we made our choice, and if it doesn't work, we have to to live with everything we lost. No matter what you think, I still loved you when I told you about Izzy. I just didn't want to lie to you. Now I'm in exactly the same boat all over again. Try to pretend feelings aren't there when I know fuck well they are."
Harri's eyebrow arched upwards at the last part. "What feelings?" She wasn't going to argue that things had been hard, and complicated. She knew damn well they had been. She'd also made sure Ali had been okay, keeping their friendship alive. She wasn't giving up on it just because she wasn't with James. There were some things she couldn't just cut out. "I appreciate you not lying to me, but that hardly makes up for how painful it was. I gave you my heart, James. No one else has had it. Now I remember why."
"I told you I would hurt you," James told her, meeting her eyes again. "And I told you that because even though everyone else can't see it, I know everything that is packed into my head, from my jobs to losing David, to losing Izzy, to losing you, to knowing how much I left Ali high and dry, to not knowing how to help my brother in his heartache. I know that emotionally, I have fallen off the wagon more than I have gotten back onto it. Emotionally, I don't know where the fuck I stand. I didn't know where the fuck I stood when I met you, either. I was someone else. Now I'm trying to be me again. I warned you over and over again, Harri, that I didn't know what I was doing and that you might get hurt because of it. I've told you I was sorry, but I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing anymore. Everyone says you can't love two people, but they never give me any clues of how I'm supposed to feel inside, and all I feel is lost. I stay, things hurt. I go away to try and make a clean break, things hurt. I can't apologise enough, but as long as I'm still hurting myself, how could I ever know how to not hurt other people? I just want to be happy, only I'm incapable of knowing what that is anymore. I don't know if I have enough of me left to give anyone, but I'm trying. I just know that if there is even just a small piece of me left, right now there is only one person who has to get that." He pointed to her swollen stomach. "My son."
Harri reached out to grab his hand, and held it as she kissed the back of it. It was all she could manage, with her baby bump she wasn't sure she'd be able to get up and kiss his forehead without knocking him out. "I want you happy to, even if I was wishing your balls would shrivel up and drop off for days on end. I'm sorry if I couldn't give you happiness, and I'm sorry if you won't be able to find it with Isabel because you're doubting yourself. I will, however, be glad if you can find it with our son."
James closed his eyes and rested his forehead against her fingers. This wasn't fair. It wasn't fucking fair. Why couldn't he just know in his gut not what he wanted, but what he needed? Why, when he had been with Harri, did it feel so much like he needed Izzy, and now, that he was with Izzy, did it feel so much like he needed Harri? In the meantime, he had caused Cameron to feel the only route was to step away from Izzy and his own kids. James had probably potentially ruined everything for the guy that he so desperately needed with his own son. Their son. This realisation caused a sob to catch in his throat. How had he stolen something so precious from someone in a stupid moment of weakness? But they had made their choice. He and Izzy were trying to make something work again, and it wasn't that it wasn't working. It was, maybe better than it ever had with them. Only, what was it that was working? There was the warmth there, the comfort and familiarity. The friendship. The deep, undeniable loving friendship. But were their hearts really there for a passionate and romantic relationship? Did they even want that off each other anymore, or was the sex they had just for comfort and security? For reminding each other they weren't dead, and still had each other? He loved Izzy, and always had done, but was that special little spark that had the heart turning in somersaults there anymore or was it just loving affection that wasn't ever going to die between them? "Can I be there when he's born?" he asked in a whisper, squeezing his hand tightly. "Please? I don't want to miss it. I want to be there for you both."
Harri gave a nod, her blue eyes fixed on him. "Yes. Just don't blame if I do try and rip your dick off. It won't be too personal." She shifted in her seat, grunting as a bolt of pain shot through her back. But there was something else, something else much more worrying as she kept looking at James, and felt a familiar heat creep throughout her body, and start to make her pulse with need. "You need to go now, James. Before I try and jump you despite the beach ball."
James stood up stiffly and nodded. "Yeah, of course." He hadn't actually taken in what she said, just that she wanted him to go and he knew he had to respect that. He could hardly think straight and his head was starting to do that pressured throbbing thing again. "Just, um... if you need anything, give me a call," he told her, shoving his hands into his pockets so he didn't try to reach for her. He had to get out of there too before he did anything he would regret.
Harri was already doing something she regretted as she pulled him in for a kiss, managing it despite the baby bump between them. "I can't call you with what I need," she said helplessly when she'd broken the kiss off. "You're with her now. I'm sorry about the--I couldn't help it. I did warn you."
James touched his lips and looked at her in shock for a few moments. He blinked, trying to wade through the confusion and took a step towards the door. "I-I'll go," he said and looked away, heading out the door as quickly as he could. He couldn't take this anymore. If he didn't get out, he would screw everything up all over again. He had tears in his eyes as he escaped her office, but shot her receptionist a filthy look as he left, just to try and make himself feel better. He knew, however, he had no one to blame but himself.
Words: 4366