Fic: Fight-O Harry Potter [R]
Fandoms: HP and PoT.
Title: FIGHT-O, HARRY POTTER!
Rating: R.
Warnings: Don't click if you a hater of crack, yo. Actually, you probably shouldn't read this at all.
Author Notes: tHiS iS cLeArLy ThE gReAtEsT tHiNg I'vE eVeR wRiTtEn. ^__^
Harry Potter walks into a bar.
Rather, Harry Potter, the most powerful and sexy wizard to walk the earth since the late Albus Dumbledore, whilst in his Grindelwald-defeating prime, nanced about in glitter go-go boots and purple sequined sundresses, walks into a bar wreathed in his father's invisibility cloak, Hermione Granger Ginny Weasley Ron Weasley Draco Malfoy Severus Snape Albus Dumbledore Regulus Black kissing his neck in an insistent and erotic manner.
They are hot, gay AND magical.
A runt of a kid wearing a green headband that kept slipping down his face to cover his eyes in a sort of incredibly adorable manner is speaking enthusiastically from Harry's regular seat at the bar. "-- and then he told me that I would like the sport, desu, because tennis players' balls are hard, yet soft and fuzzy."
Harry throws off his invisibility cloak in a wondrous and dramatic motion. Regulus poses at his side in a way that is very hot and pouty, kind of like how Sirius would have stood if he hadn't died. But Harry is strong now and doesn't think too much about the ANGST!!!1! of fifth year. He's grown beyond all of that. In his sixth year, he learned loads of things, like how to seduce information out of Slughorn and how to trust in a violent book because those had never betrayed his trust in the past AT ALL and how accidentally calling Ginny 'Mum' during intercourse was actually a kinkily good thing.
"ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT TENNIS?!?!1!" Harry screams at the boy, his lighting-shaped scar standing out lividly. "OH MY GOD, YOU INSENSITIVE PRICK, DIDN'T YOU KNOW VOLDEMORT -- HELLS YES I AM BRAVE ENOUGH TO SAY THE MOTHERFUCKING BASTARD'S NAME -- HAS RISEN AGAIN?!?!? HOW CAN A STUPID GAME ABOUT BALLS AND SWEAT AND YOUNG MALE TORSOS BEING REVEALED SEXILY EVEN COMPARE!?!?!?!"
"Oooh! You are Harry Potter, desu! I am a big fan, desu! I've read all of the books so far, desu. My name is Dan, desu! Dan Taichi! It's weird, I always thought you'd be big and strong like Akutsu-senpai, desu, but really, you're kind of short like me and --"
"I know I didn't just hear you talking to my runt like that on my fucking birthday," the gray haired monster to whom the boy had been speaking to interrupts, slowly spinning his barstool around. There is DEATH, DOOM, DESTRUCTION and other bad "D" words in capslocks in his eyes. "Though it might be more ... fun ... if you did."
"Ah, hahahaha," Harry says nervously, pushing Regulus in front of him. Everyone thinks Regulus is dead anyway. "Just kidding! Tennis rocks!"
"I fucking hate tennis," Draco Malfoy drawls, taking the seat next to Akutsu, and Harry takes that opportunity to subtly grab Regulus, back away and take a seat at the opposite end of the bar. "Some exquisitely dressed fucker named Mizuki told me that 69% of people find Fuji Syuusuke to be hotter than me," Draco Malfoy moans to barmaid. "Give me something hard."
Akutsu looks as though he's going to smack a bitch, but then Dan whispers something into his ear that turns his face pinker than Hagrid's umbrella, and they head out the door.
"Here's some, ah, vodka," Snape, long greasy locks plaited into stylish pigtails and wearing a pink apron, says gently from across the bar as he pushes forward a large glass of a clear liquid that came from the tap labeled 'WATER'. "Don't trust that arrogant little ponce's data -- check with Inui first at least."
"This is vodka?" Draco asks sullenly before taking a large gulp. "It tastes like water."
"It's a special magical kind that doesn't taste like vodka, Draco," Snape says slowly, as though speaking to a small child. Draco simply can't handle alcohol. It is unfortunate as Draco is very pretty, but just not very clever. Last time he had half a pint, he'd nearly killed himself with potatoes, a transvestite and a pair of frilly knickers.
"Oh," Draco says, draining the glass. He begins to giggle. "I rather think Mizuki's quite fit," he confesses in a slightly slurred voice. "I wish I could dress with such ... with such flair."
"You're a beautiful man," Snape whispers, mentally writing Mizuki Hajime on his FUCKERS TO OFF BEFORE I'M OFFED list, right under Captain Malcolm Reynolds and Veronica Mars.
"Tell me I'm prettier than my mother," Draco whines.
"You are. You're even prettier than your father."
"Then what am I missing?" he wails. "I'm gay! I'm blonde! I play sports! I'm pretty!"
Inui, glasses opaque and omniscient, appears at Draco's shoulder from out of no where. Snape is glad he is behind the bar, as the sight of the data player went straight to his crotch. Inui flips through Notebook 242.11, and stops 3/4ths of the way down on page 153. "You're white," he explains.
"I'm Asian!" Cho Chang sobs.
"You lack a penis," Inui counters shortly. "Perhaps if Gackt or Kimeru or any Asian male character enrolled into Hogwarts, the Harry Potter series would be given a new breath of life, but as it is, it's just lacking in shiny."
"Horcruxes are shiny!" Hermione, tossing her bushy head of hair back says matter-of-factly. "As is the hotness of Ginny and I that Harry and Ron have FINALLY noticed."
"Ugh, don't mention het around Ore-sama," Atobe interjects magnificently. Everything about him, actually, is magnificent. "Throw her out of my bar, Kabaji."
"Usu!" Kabaji grunts and grabs Hermione by the hair and throws her out the window like she were a quaffle.
"Hey -- even if I agree that het and Ms. Granger are disgusting, this is my bar," Snape growls, eye twitching violently, and goes for his wand. "You damned tenipuri characters have been fucking everything up for us, you bastards, with your damned catchy songs and lavender outfits and big anime eyes! Do you have any IDEA what it's like to have my livejournal friendslist cluttered with your gay tennis crap?"
"The defriend button exists for a reason. Anyway, I just bought this dirty little bar, so it isn't yours anymore," Atobe smirks. "From now on, Gakuto, Mauri and Kikumaru wearing pleated schoolgirl skirts will be the barmaids -- not some greasy warlock."
"DON'T CALL ME GREASY!" Snape bellows, as his last straw snaps, spittle flying from his purpled face. He could deal with Inui -- and he was scared of Fuji and Yukimura, but this Atobe reminded him too much of James Potter. "AVADA --"
"TWIST-O SERVE!!!" three little boys holding up a lit up sign spelling RYOMA-SAMA ♥!!! chorus from the sidelines suddenly, and a speeding tennis ball knocks Snape's wand from his hand as effectively as an Expelliarmus.
"Bratty little show-off," Atobe says with grudging respect as Ryoma Echizen walks into the bar exuding badassery with every little step he takes.
"Do you even know who I am?! I'm the fucking Half-blood Prince! I killed Dumbeldore!" Snape declares rabidly. "Who the fuck are you?"
"He's Ryoma Echizen -- the Prince of Tennis!" Colin and Dennis Creevey sing out as they burst through the door, each wearing a Fila cap, tennis rackets resting casually on their shoulders. Colin's shirt reads: Mada mada, motherf*ckers. and Dennis': Pillars Pwn.
"YOU FUCKING TRAITORS!!!" Mrs. Black shrieks from the tavern wall. "YOU ARE WORSE THAN MUDBLOODS!!! YOU DESERVE TO HAVE BURNING WIRES SHOVED UP YOUR URETHEAS!!!"
Fuji's eyes open, viciously blue, and he sidles up to the portrait of Mrs. Black sensuously.
Harry, courage back up now that the Akustu chap is gone, is furious. "COLIN, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT. I ALWAYS APPRECIATED YOUR SYCHOPHANTIC WORSHIP. IN A WAY!"
"I'm sorry Harry!" Colin apologizes. "But Ryoma's fanboys at least get a bigger roll in the series! And Horio's kind of cute and he told me he's had 2 years of glorious experience!
"And also," Dennis says defensively, "Tenipuri is so awesomely gay that if you're straight you have to come out of the closet."
"But it lacks evil villains like ME!!!" the Dark Lord Voldemort cackles as he and his Death Eaters apparate into the bar. "Now, all of you will DIE!!!"
"VOLDEMORT!!!" Harry screams, his scar on fire.
"HARRY POTTER!!!" Voldemort screams back.
Both of them draw their wands. Harry's quick, but Voldemort's quicker, and his wand is blasted back. Just as the Dark Lord is about to deliver his killing blow, the door is flies open again.
"Let's not get careless, now," a voice with at least as much presence as Alan Rickman's warns, and the Seigaku regulars stroll in to stand behind Ryoma. Tezuka rests his hand on his strong little pillar and tries not to look overtly pleased.
"Death Eaters -- attack them!" Voldemort commands.
"TEZUKA ZOOOOONE!" Tezuka bellows majestically, and Voldemort's cronies are each drawn forward as though by some invisible force only to smack into the formidable weapon of Tezuka's racket. "Come, Echizen! Be a pillar against evil with me!"
Giant bears are falling from the ceiling, as are Moons and giant tennis balls and fireballs. The Kikumaru Beam hits McNair in the face and a boomerang snake eats Nagini, the final Horcrux.
"Buchou!" Ryoma cries after Tornado Smashing into Bellatrix's face, and he pulls Tezuka's face down into a Kiss of True Love™ and they both ignite in golden light.
"Noooo!!! Not LOVE!!!" Voldemort shrieks in agony. "It's the power I know not!!!"
That's when things get really crazy. Ryoma and Tezuka's clothes are blown off and angel wings sprout on their backs, and the seven lines are fucking gotten as rainbows shoot out in a million directions, consuming the universe.
Voldemort's face suddenly takes on a lavender hue. "The gay -- the fucking gay anime," he croaks as he falls to the ground, rainbow sparkles enveloping him, turning his eyes turn large and adorable. The chibification is irreversible and, ultimately, fatal. "This is all bookshop's fault! If only fucking Aja hadn't pimped it so fucking much!!!"
"OMG!!!" Sakuno and Tomoko squee in unison, interrupting is internal evil monologue. "OMG OMG OMG!!! HE'S SO KAWAII~!!! WE LOVE YOU OMG WE WILL MAKE YOU A BANNER AND OMG FIGHT-O VOLDIE-SAMA FIGHT-O!!! WE ♥♥♥♥ YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS!!!"
Chibi!Voldemort feels a large sweat drop appear on his head. Sakuno and Tomo-chan move in closer with the predatory look that only fangirls and Karupin looking at Kaidoh can manage. "FUUUUUCK!" he yells in horror, and bursts out into a fountain of tears. "THIS ISN'T HOW IT GOES!" He runs out of the bar towards the setting sun.
"RUNNING FOR LIFE!!!" Taka-san, fist deep within Fawkes, yells, pumping his free hand in V-I-C-T-O-R-Y. "GO VOLDIE-CHAN, GO!"
About a million miles away, Harry Potter wakes up in Dudley Dursley's bedroom wearing nothing but melted Crayola smears. Dudley's meaty arm is thrown around his neck, and he snores loudly into Harry's hair. Harry, as best as he can, uses his toothpick arms to free himself.
Never again, Harry vows, will he drop acid while watching anime with his cousin. Fuck whatever instructions Dumbledore behind in left in his will.
But then, Harry looks into his reflection in the television's glass screen. His scar is glowing with radioactive brilliance and color. Enlightenment has been reached.
THE END.
Or is it??
Title: FIGHT-O, HARRY POTTER!
Rating: R.
Warnings: Don't click if you a hater of crack, yo. Actually, you probably shouldn't read this at all.
Author Notes: tHiS iS cLeArLy ThE gReAtEsT tHiNg I'vE eVeR wRiTtEn. ^__^
Harry Potter walks into a bar.
Rather, Harry Potter, the most powerful and sexy wizard to walk the earth since the late Albus Dumbledore, whilst in his Grindelwald-defeating prime, nanced about in glitter go-go boots and purple sequined sundresses, walks into a bar wreathed in his father's invisibility cloak, Hermione Granger Ginny Weasley Ron Weasley Draco Malfoy Severus Snape Albus Dumbledore Regulus Black kissing his neck in an insistent and erotic manner.
They are hot, gay AND magical.
A runt of a kid wearing a green headband that kept slipping down his face to cover his eyes in a sort of incredibly adorable manner is speaking enthusiastically from Harry's regular seat at the bar. "-- and then he told me that I would like the sport, desu, because tennis players' balls are hard, yet soft and fuzzy."
Harry throws off his invisibility cloak in a wondrous and dramatic motion. Regulus poses at his side in a way that is very hot and pouty, kind of like how Sirius would have stood if he hadn't died. But Harry is strong now and doesn't think too much about the ANGST!!!1! of fifth year. He's grown beyond all of that. In his sixth year, he learned loads of things, like how to seduce information out of Slughorn and how to trust in a violent book because those had never betrayed his trust in the past AT ALL and how accidentally calling Ginny 'Mum' during intercourse was actually a kinkily good thing.
"ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT TENNIS?!?!1!" Harry screams at the boy, his lighting-shaped scar standing out lividly. "OH MY GOD, YOU INSENSITIVE PRICK, DIDN'T YOU KNOW VOLDEMORT -- HELLS YES I AM BRAVE ENOUGH TO SAY THE MOTHERFUCKING BASTARD'S NAME -- HAS RISEN AGAIN?!?!? HOW CAN A STUPID GAME ABOUT BALLS AND SWEAT AND YOUNG MALE TORSOS BEING REVEALED SEXILY EVEN COMPARE!?!?!?!"
"Oooh! You are Harry Potter, desu! I am a big fan, desu! I've read all of the books so far, desu. My name is Dan, desu! Dan Taichi! It's weird, I always thought you'd be big and strong like Akutsu-senpai, desu, but really, you're kind of short like me and --"
"I know I didn't just hear you talking to my runt like that on my fucking birthday," the gray haired monster to whom the boy had been speaking to interrupts, slowly spinning his barstool around. There is DEATH, DOOM, DESTRUCTION and other bad "D" words in capslocks in his eyes. "Though it might be more ... fun ... if you did."
"Ah, hahahaha," Harry says nervously, pushing Regulus in front of him. Everyone thinks Regulus is dead anyway. "Just kidding! Tennis rocks!"
"I fucking hate tennis," Draco Malfoy drawls, taking the seat next to Akutsu, and Harry takes that opportunity to subtly grab Regulus, back away and take a seat at the opposite end of the bar. "Some exquisitely dressed fucker named Mizuki told me that 69% of people find Fuji Syuusuke to be hotter than me," Draco Malfoy moans to barmaid. "Give me something hard."
Akutsu looks as though he's going to smack a bitch, but then Dan whispers something into his ear that turns his face pinker than Hagrid's umbrella, and they head out the door.
"Here's some, ah, vodka," Snape, long greasy locks plaited into stylish pigtails and wearing a pink apron, says gently from across the bar as he pushes forward a large glass of a clear liquid that came from the tap labeled 'WATER'. "Don't trust that arrogant little ponce's data -- check with Inui first at least."
"This is vodka?" Draco asks sullenly before taking a large gulp. "It tastes like water."
"It's a special magical kind that doesn't taste like vodka, Draco," Snape says slowly, as though speaking to a small child. Draco simply can't handle alcohol. It is unfortunate as Draco is very pretty, but just not very clever. Last time he had half a pint, he'd nearly killed himself with potatoes, a transvestite and a pair of frilly knickers.
"Oh," Draco says, draining the glass. He begins to giggle. "I rather think Mizuki's quite fit," he confesses in a slightly slurred voice. "I wish I could dress with such ... with such flair."
"You're a beautiful man," Snape whispers, mentally writing Mizuki Hajime on his FUCKERS TO OFF BEFORE I'M OFFED list, right under Captain Malcolm Reynolds and Veronica Mars.
"Tell me I'm prettier than my mother," Draco whines.
"You are. You're even prettier than your father."
"Then what am I missing?" he wails. "I'm gay! I'm blonde! I play sports! I'm pretty!"
Inui, glasses opaque and omniscient, appears at Draco's shoulder from out of no where. Snape is glad he is behind the bar, as the sight of the data player went straight to his crotch. Inui flips through Notebook 242.11, and stops 3/4ths of the way down on page 153. "You're white," he explains.
"I'm Asian!" Cho Chang sobs.
"You lack a penis," Inui counters shortly. "Perhaps if Gackt or Kimeru or any Asian male character enrolled into Hogwarts, the Harry Potter series would be given a new breath of life, but as it is, it's just lacking in shiny."
"Horcruxes are shiny!" Hermione, tossing her bushy head of hair back says matter-of-factly. "As is the hotness of Ginny and I that Harry and Ron have FINALLY noticed."
"Ugh, don't mention het around Ore-sama," Atobe interjects magnificently. Everything about him, actually, is magnificent. "Throw her out of my bar, Kabaji."
"Usu!" Kabaji grunts and grabs Hermione by the hair and throws her out the window like she were a quaffle.
"Hey -- even if I agree that het and Ms. Granger are disgusting, this is my bar," Snape growls, eye twitching violently, and goes for his wand. "You damned tenipuri characters have been fucking everything up for us, you bastards, with your damned catchy songs and lavender outfits and big anime eyes! Do you have any IDEA what it's like to have my livejournal friendslist cluttered with your gay tennis crap?"
"The defriend button exists for a reason. Anyway, I just bought this dirty little bar, so it isn't yours anymore," Atobe smirks. "From now on, Gakuto, Mauri and Kikumaru wearing pleated schoolgirl skirts will be the barmaids -- not some greasy warlock."
"DON'T CALL ME GREASY!" Snape bellows, as his last straw snaps, spittle flying from his purpled face. He could deal with Inui -- and he was scared of Fuji and Yukimura, but this Atobe reminded him too much of James Potter. "AVADA --"
"TWIST-O SERVE!!!" three little boys holding up a lit up sign spelling RYOMA-SAMA ♥!!! chorus from the sidelines suddenly, and a speeding tennis ball knocks Snape's wand from his hand as effectively as an Expelliarmus.
"Bratty little show-off," Atobe says with grudging respect as Ryoma Echizen walks into the bar exuding badassery with every little step he takes.
"Do you even know who I am?! I'm the fucking Half-blood Prince! I killed Dumbeldore!" Snape declares rabidly. "Who the fuck are you?"
"He's Ryoma Echizen -- the Prince of Tennis!" Colin and Dennis Creevey sing out as they burst through the door, each wearing a Fila cap, tennis rackets resting casually on their shoulders. Colin's shirt reads: Mada mada, motherf*ckers. and Dennis': Pillars Pwn.
"YOU FUCKING TRAITORS!!!" Mrs. Black shrieks from the tavern wall. "YOU ARE WORSE THAN MUDBLOODS!!! YOU DESERVE TO HAVE BURNING WIRES SHOVED UP YOUR URETHEAS!!!"
Fuji's eyes open, viciously blue, and he sidles up to the portrait of Mrs. Black sensuously.
Harry, courage back up now that the Akustu chap is gone, is furious. "COLIN, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT. I ALWAYS APPRECIATED YOUR SYCHOPHANTIC WORSHIP. IN A WAY!"
"I'm sorry Harry!" Colin apologizes. "But Ryoma's fanboys at least get a bigger roll in the series! And Horio's kind of cute and he told me he's had 2 years of glorious experience!
"And also," Dennis says defensively, "Tenipuri is so awesomely gay that if you're straight you have to come out of the closet."
"But it lacks evil villains like ME!!!" the Dark Lord Voldemort cackles as he and his Death Eaters apparate into the bar. "Now, all of you will DIE!!!"
"VOLDEMORT!!!" Harry screams, his scar on fire.
"HARRY POTTER!!!" Voldemort screams back.
Both of them draw their wands. Harry's quick, but Voldemort's quicker, and his wand is blasted back. Just as the Dark Lord is about to deliver his killing blow, the door is flies open again.
"Let's not get careless, now," a voice with at least as much presence as Alan Rickman's warns, and the Seigaku regulars stroll in to stand behind Ryoma. Tezuka rests his hand on his strong little pillar and tries not to look overtly pleased.
"Death Eaters -- attack them!" Voldemort commands.
"TEZUKA ZOOOOONE!" Tezuka bellows majestically, and Voldemort's cronies are each drawn forward as though by some invisible force only to smack into the formidable weapon of Tezuka's racket. "Come, Echizen! Be a pillar against evil with me!"
Giant bears are falling from the ceiling, as are Moons and giant tennis balls and fireballs. The Kikumaru Beam hits McNair in the face and a boomerang snake eats Nagini, the final Horcrux.
"Buchou!" Ryoma cries after Tornado Smashing into Bellatrix's face, and he pulls Tezuka's face down into a Kiss of True Love™ and they both ignite in golden light.
"Noooo!!! Not LOVE!!!" Voldemort shrieks in agony. "It's the power I know not!!!"
That's when things get really crazy. Ryoma and Tezuka's clothes are blown off and angel wings sprout on their backs, and the seven lines are fucking gotten as rainbows shoot out in a million directions, consuming the universe.
Voldemort's face suddenly takes on a lavender hue. "The gay -- the fucking gay anime," he croaks as he falls to the ground, rainbow sparkles enveloping him, turning his eyes turn large and adorable. The chibification is irreversible and, ultimately, fatal. "This is all bookshop's fault! If only fucking Aja hadn't pimped it so fucking much!!!"
"OMG!!!" Sakuno and Tomoko squee in unison, interrupting is internal evil monologue. "OMG OMG OMG!!! HE'S SO KAWAII~!!! WE LOVE YOU OMG WE WILL MAKE YOU A BANNER AND OMG FIGHT-O VOLDIE-SAMA FIGHT-O!!! WE ♥♥♥♥ YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS!!!"
Chibi!Voldemort feels a large sweat drop appear on his head. Sakuno and Tomo-chan move in closer with the predatory look that only fangirls and Karupin looking at Kaidoh can manage. "FUUUUUCK!" he yells in horror, and bursts out into a fountain of tears. "THIS ISN'T HOW IT GOES!" He runs out of the bar towards the setting sun.
"RUNNING FOR LIFE!!!" Taka-san, fist deep within Fawkes, yells, pumping his free hand in V-I-C-T-O-R-Y. "GO VOLDIE-CHAN, GO!"
About a million miles away, Harry Potter wakes up in Dudley Dursley's bedroom wearing nothing but melted Crayola smears. Dudley's meaty arm is thrown around his neck, and he snores loudly into Harry's hair. Harry, as best as he can, uses his toothpick arms to free himself.
Never again, Harry vows, will he drop acid while watching anime with his cousin. Fuck whatever instructions Dumbledore behind in left in his will.
But then, Harry looks into his reflection in the television's glass screen. His scar is glowing with radioactive brilliance and color. Enlightenment has been reached.
THE END.
Or is it??