so yea....for those who dont feel like reading the previous entry...here's the condensed version!!!!
So yea, basically, Ive always been a woman who has found herself attracted to men. I have enjoyed sexual encouteers with them, enjoyed pleasuring them, enjoyied their company. But lately, I have found that I have become increasingly attracted to people of the same sex as I.
lately its been to the point where, I no longer find pleasure with being with a man. I no longer find kissing a man romantic, i no longer find myself dreaming about falling in love with a man, or bearing his children.
I find myself however dreaming about what it would be like to live my life beside the side of another female...having kids, growing older, and always being each other's best friends.
the conflict lies not in trying to figure out my sexuality itself out..for deep down i have always known that i am gay.
the conflict DOES however lie in the fact that I have grown up in a VERY cathlolic and conservative/republican household. for the longest time, my mom had trouble accpeting my friend sara because of her sexuality. Knowing that something is what you want, and craving it more than life itself, and then having tht mentality of it being wrong, is hard.
I know people tell me to just relax and calm down, but its hard. On the outside, I either don't tell people at all, or I pretend like i know everything is going to be ok, but really, there is such a conflict inside my head that its driving me nuts.
I feel dirty for wanting something outside of the realm of what is considered acceptable by both my family and my religion. I feel wrong, and dirty and unworthy.
I told a group of friends yesterday that i didnt believe in god, and than i proceeded to explain how i flicked HIM off.
they asked how its possible to do that to something you dont believe in.
well...in truth, its not that i dont believe in HIM, its that im angry with HIM. Im angry at HIM for making it seem like being homosexual is wrong. Im angry that the catholic religion is so heavily against gay marriage. Im angry at myself for still believing in HIM to the extent that I secretly know that im sinning.
Yesterday i ended up taking out all of my frustration on my friends. I just wasnt in the mood to be around people. I get like that, I dont know why, i just do. I CANT help it. And as much as I love being with CERTAIN people, when ur already in a bad mood and there are certain individuals around who u secretly wish would just stop being such fake ass bitches... i.e. ALEX!!!!!! then yea, its prety much time to haul ass before u say something u KNOW ull regret.
lately its been to the point where, I no longer find pleasure with being with a man. I no longer find kissing a man romantic, i no longer find myself dreaming about falling in love with a man, or bearing his children.
I find myself however dreaming about what it would be like to live my life beside the side of another female...having kids, growing older, and always being each other's best friends.
the conflict lies not in trying to figure out my sexuality itself out..for deep down i have always known that i am gay.
the conflict DOES however lie in the fact that I have grown up in a VERY cathlolic and conservative/republican household. for the longest time, my mom had trouble accpeting my friend sara because of her sexuality. Knowing that something is what you want, and craving it more than life itself, and then having tht mentality of it being wrong, is hard.
I know people tell me to just relax and calm down, but its hard. On the outside, I either don't tell people at all, or I pretend like i know everything is going to be ok, but really, there is such a conflict inside my head that its driving me nuts.
I feel dirty for wanting something outside of the realm of what is considered acceptable by both my family and my religion. I feel wrong, and dirty and unworthy.
I told a group of friends yesterday that i didnt believe in god, and than i proceeded to explain how i flicked HIM off.
they asked how its possible to do that to something you dont believe in.
well...in truth, its not that i dont believe in HIM, its that im angry with HIM. Im angry at HIM for making it seem like being homosexual is wrong. Im angry that the catholic religion is so heavily against gay marriage. Im angry at myself for still believing in HIM to the extent that I secretly know that im sinning.
Yesterday i ended up taking out all of my frustration on my friends. I just wasnt in the mood to be around people. I get like that, I dont know why, i just do. I CANT help it. And as much as I love being with CERTAIN people, when ur already in a bad mood and there are certain individuals around who u secretly wish would just stop being such fake ass bitches... i.e. ALEX!!!!!! then yea, its prety much time to haul ass before u say something u KNOW ull regret.