so CONFUSED!!!
no...im not confused....anymore. Ive come to terms with who i am. It still feels so strange...but a good strange. like im finally being honest with myself. like i can hold my head up high and finally be myself. SOO....why AM I SO DEPRESSED? why??? i finally figured out who i am and what i want...it takes most people years....i should be happy...i am due to the small fact of figuring things out...but...i think the cause of my unhappiness runs much deeper. its almost like....because nobody knows...im somehow living a lie...i know i hafta to eventually tell the rents...but sitting ur parents down to tell them ur gay...not straight...not bisexual..but gay....as in ellen and elton gay....ur conservatively republican extremely catholic parents...that ur gay....is NO easy task...i have finally figured out who i am...i feel happy now...but not at peace. i dont think i ever will be until i sit them down and have that dreaded discussion. also...who is it that i should tell in my life? i want to shout it out to everyone...to spread my joy...so that i may finally be at peace...but i know that not very many people are accepting of the gay community. I have become very close with my friends. I know that Dave and Sara and Jen P. are cool with it...i just wish everybody could be like them. i know that everyody tells me to just relax..that its ok....and i know that it is....its just...i dont feel like its real...i want it to be real...i want people to know...to accept it...but this is something that i know many cant and wont ever do. last night i started thinking ahead...to what my future will be like..and honestly...i dont see myself married to a guy...i dont see myself bearing his children...i see myself...married to someone of the same sex...we get two rings that match for our wedding bands....we have two kids...both born from artificial insemination...she carries one...i the other....i see myself getting old...not by the side of a man...but by the side of a woman...i know it seems wierd....like i planned for this to happen...but honestly...its one of life's mysteries. Stephanie Denise Jacobs...the boy crazy slut...is gay. One of my friend's told me that she believes that people are born a certain way...like...being homosexual...is something ur born with..but due to surroundings and conservative upbringing...and being taught that homosexuality is both a sin and immoral....it makes it more likely...that even if the child is gay by birth..the child would go for the other sex...just because...they are trying to subconscientiously appease people...hence the reason for why it takes some people a lifetime to know who they are. ah well....looking back on my childhood...i did used to look at girls..and think of myself as wrong in the head for doing so...but...you know what? im NOT wrong in the head...im perfectly fine just the way i am. for as i once told a friend "our flaws are the flavors that spice up our lives". i plan on living by that philosophy. if anybody thinks that i am wrong in the head for admitting who i am...then please delete me now, thank you and have a good night yall!