SGA Fic: Reflections in Water Chapter Two The Athosian Bubbles
Title: Reflections in Water
Author: stella_pegasi
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis
Rating: PG-13
Character/Pairing: John Sheppard, Rodney McKay, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan, Jennifer Keller, others, original characters.
Spoilers: It would be easier to tell you what wasn’t mentioned…suffice to say that if you have watched all of the episodes that either deal with Elizabeth Weir or discuss Weir then it most likely included as is just about everything else.
Warnings: Minor bad language, lots of angst, there is whump, mention of possible self-injury.
Het/Slash/Gen: Gen
Word count: 16,658
Disclaimer: I do not own them, I would have treated them better.
Summary: Upon the anniversary of a tragic loss, Sheppard’s in pain and his team is distraught at not being able to help him.
REFLECTIONS IN WATER
REFLECTIONS IN WATER
By stella_pegasi
CHAPTER TWO THE ATHOSIAN BUBBLES
Teyla opened the door to her quarters and found Amelia and Torren both asleep in the big overstuffed chair that John found when they were on a trade mission. He didn’t care for the stark uncomfortable furnishings that decorated the city and made it his personal mission to bring a bit of comfort to the expedition members. During one of their movie nights, Torren had claimed the chair as his own and somehow the chair left the lounge and found its way to Teyla and Kaanan’s quarters.
Hearing the door, Amelia opened her eyes and smiled at Teyla. “Welcome back, how was the mission?” Teyla sat down on the Atlantian couch across from Amelia and leaned back, sighing. “Amelia, how are any of our missions? At least no one suffered any serious injuries; although we do have bruises.”
“So I take it that Dr. McKay must have stepped on some toes again?”
Laughing, Teyla replied, “You are very astute; yes, Dr. McKay had an altercation with a very large Kieren Councilman. Rodney insulted him without realizing it. Let us just say, a few punches later, it was over”
Torren chose that moment to wake up. Seeing Teyla, he immediately reached out for her. Teyla rose and took her son from Amelia’s arms.
“I hope he did not cause you or Miko trouble while I was away. He is becoming quite a handful.”
“Oh, not at all, Teyla; he is a delight, although he misses both of you when you are gone. However, he doesn’t lack for attention. The Marines were arguing over who got to play with him next this afternoon.”
“Thank you so much, I never worry about him being here without his father or me. He is very fortunate to have so many who care about him.”
Picking up her jacket from the back of the chair, Amelia walked toward the door. “I am off to the control room; Chuck took the first half of my shift, because he wants to leave early tomorrow to practice for the opening Grunts and Geeks basketball game. I’ll let Miko know that you are back so she doesn’t have to watch him this evening. Torren has had his bath and his dinner, so he is ready for bed. You look like you could use a hot bath and bed yourself.”
“Again, very astute; that is exactly my plan. I appreciate you telling Miko I am back.”
As the door closed, Teyla looked around the room and thought how empty it seemed without Kaanan. He was on a trade mission with Major Lorne’s team and she knew how happy he was to have the opportunity to be of help to the expedition. It had only been two months since Atlantis had returned from Earth and during the time that she had been away from him, she had realized how much she missed him. Their reunion was more than she had hoped for and she was content.
As she walked into the bedroom, Torren snuggled against her, falling asleep again. Taking a blanket from the bed, she placed him into the portable playpen that Dr. Zelenka had given her when they were on Earth. Unlocking the wheels, she rolled him into the bathroom.
When they returned from the Milky Way, Teyla and Kaanan were able to move into bigger quarters and the bathroom had a very large bathtub. She had never had such a luxury before. At lunch soon after they moved in, she told Rodney about the big bathtub. His eyes lit up and she smiled as she remembered the conversation.
“You have a big bathtub? Is it in the corner like mine?”
“No, Rodney, it sits under a window looking out on the Southwest Pier.”
“Sweet,” Rodney said. “Mine doesn’t have a view. Ummm, a nice soak in a tub of hot water and lots of bubbles; best way to relax after a tough day. Except for eating that is” as he reached for another roll, his third.
“Bubbles? What do bubbles have to do with having a bath?”
“You don’t know about bubble baths?” Rodney mumbled in mid-bite of his roll.
“No, Rodney, I do not know what you mean.”
“Ooh, are you in for a treat. Bubble baths are wonderful.” His face lighting up with glee, he continued, “You put this nice smelling liquid soap stuff under the running water and bubbles form. It is heavenly. You have to try it!”
When Teyla returned to her quarters that evening, there was a bottle with a note tied to it sitting outside her door. The note read, Teyla, this bottle contains bubble bath. Just turn on the faucet, pour a cap full or two under the running water and watch the bubbles form. You are going to love it. Oh yeah…this smells like lavender that grows on Earth. Rodney. She blushed just a bit when she thought about that night; Kanaan had liked the bubbles as well.
Tonight, however, she had the bathtub all to herself and soon she was enveloped in the wonderful scent and frothy bubbles. The enjoyment didn’t last long and she hadn’t expected it would. Relaxing was only bringing the pain of the day back to her. The pain of remembering the day that Elizabeth had died.
They had all agreed that they lost Elizabeth Weir three years before when the beam coming from the Replicator satellite pierced the tower. Elizabeth was blown over the balcony by the force of the explosion and landed in the gate room below. When Rodney reactivated the nanites to save her, that act only kept Elizabeth with them for a short while. She was lost to them for the second time when she accompanied Sheppard, McKay and Ronon to steal a ZPM from the Replicators. They had returned alone after she sacrificed herself to save them.
John had vowed to find her but she found them first. It had only been a few short months before the frantic voyage to save Earth from the Wraith that her disembodied energy had returned to Atlantis. She brought the last of Replicators with her who soon posed a threat to Atlantis. They had lost her to the coldness of space as once again she sacrificed herself to save Atlantis. However none of this changed the fact that Elizabeth was truly lost to them the moment her head hit the gate room floor.
Teyla sunk deeper into the bathtub as memories of Elizabeth swirled in her head; their uneasy start when the city was in danger and Elizabeth did not fully trust her or her people to the close friendship that grew between them. How many times had she watched Elizabeth face down enemies or comfort the injured? Most often it was one of SGA-1 that she was worried about or had to comfort, though Colonel Sheppard always kidded Elizabeth about her serious lack of a bedside manner. Colonel Sheppard. She drew in a deep breath and wondered if she should be checking on him instead of enjoying her bubble bath. She knew he would just tell her that he was fine and that would be the end of the conversation. That fact didn’t lessen her concern.
That Sheppard cared deeply about Elizabeth was no secret to her. She remembered the times she and Elizabeth would share a late night cocoa in the mess hall, watching Sheppard sitting with Rodney, verbally sparring over some movie or some silly thing. Sometimes he would look over at them and flash a crooked grin. Elizabeth was convinced his grin was for Teyla; Teyla thought his grin was for Elizabeth. The truth was they knew he cared about them both. She had spoken to John about his feelings for Elizabeth; her mind drifting to the conversation she had with him as Atlantis entered the Pegasus Galaxy, returning from Earth.
Scientist and soldier alike were happy to be returning to what they had come to know as home. She and Torren were returning to Kaanan. But one expedition member was uneasy and after all the years they had known each other, Teyla knew when John Sheppard was in pain.
Amelia and Ronon had volunteered to take care of Torren one evening and Teyla decided to go looking for John. As they got closer and closer to Pegasus, John had begun to withdraw and disappear for long periods of time. She went to Rodney and asked if he could locate John on the internal sensors.
“Teyla, do you know what is wrong with him?” Rodney’s face was sad and Teyla was certain he already knew the answer.
“I believe that Colonel Sheppard is upset because the last time he traveled on Atlantis as she flew through the stars, Elizabeth died. We are returning to the same planet that we landed on after she stayed on the Replicator world. I believe that he is reliving that time and it is most difficult for him.”
Rodney looked away from her, his hands trembling, “He shouldn’t blame himself; he should blame me. I am the one who turned on the nanites. This is my fault and I don’t know how to help him.”
Teyla gently placed a hand on his shoulder and quietly said, “What happened to Elizabeth was no one’s fault, Rodney. What you did was to try and help her; how can that wrong? John does not blame you. He was angry with you at the time but he knew you were only trying to save her.”
“Find him and help him, Teyla. I don’t know who else can.”
She smiled at Rodney and wrapped her arms around him. She whispered, “I will try.”
The sensors had directed her to a remote part of the city on the eastern pier. She had been part of a scout team that had ventured into the area the first year of the expedition. They had assumed that the east pier was a designated area to land Ancient ships and was where the Daedalus and Apollo landed now. There were also huge chambers that could have been manufacturing areas, warehouses, or hangers for ships. So many possibilities and so little information had been uncovered so far in the Ancient database. Her target however, was a slender thirty-story tower with a small balcony on the top floor that faced the center of the city. Rodney’s scan had shown that John Sheppard was there.
Reaching the top of the narrow staircase leading up from the transporter level, Teyla took a deep breath and wondered if she was doing the right thing. Sheppard was a very private man and she did not want to intrude but she also knew that someone must. He should not be blaming himself for Elizabeth’s loss. Resolved, she opened the door and walked onto the balcony and once again, felt the strangeness of the still air trapped by the shield.
Teyla had stepped out on the balcony next to the control room once before during the trip home and she had been disturbed at how it felt with only the shield between the city and cold, airless space. The air trapped inside the shield was still, none of the familiar breezes present when Atlantis floated on an ocean. Standing on this little balcony made her feel uneasy again.
“Weird, isn’t it? No breeze.” The low, husky voice came from her right, surprising her. As she turned, she saw Sheppard sitting against the wall, his knees pulled up to his chest.
“Colonel, you startled me.”
She heard a low chuckled and Sheppard replied, “Strange you’d be startled, I doubt you came out here for the view. Imagine you’re looking for me.”
“I am.”
Stretching his long legs out in front of him, Sheppard sighed. “Teyla, go back to Torren, I’m fine.”
“Torren is the one who is fine, colonel. Amelia and Ronon volunteered to watch him and the last I saw of him, he was laughing as Ronon threw him in the air. Only would I trust Ronon to do that. It is you, I am worried about.” Sitting down next to him, she looked at his profile and even in the low light from the security lamps on the tower, she could see how tired and upset he looked. “John, I believe I know what is bothering you. You must not blame yourself for Elizabeth’s death.”
“Look, I don’t need to hear all the reasons that I shouldn’t feel responsible. Damn it, Teyla. I am responsible; I didn’t protect her. I should have gotten the city out of the water faster; I shouldn’t have let that beam hit the tower. It’s my fault.”
Sheppard dropped his head to his chest, taking a deep breath that sounded more like a sob; his hands clenched into fists at his sides. Teyla was unsure how to continue but knew that she must. “John, it is not anyone’s fault that Elizabeth is dead. Not yours, not Rodney’s, not anyone’s. It was an accident, a very tragic accident. You could not know that Elizabeth would be standing in the exact spot where the beam penetrated the tower. You did not order the shields to be dropped to gain the power needed to escape the planet; Elizabeth did. Elizabeth gave the order that allowed you to save Atlantis and unfortunately, she lost her life. John, no one was to blame.”
Minutes went by before John spoke. “She saved me, Teyla. I had given up, knew my career in the Air Force was over, that I would never be anything other than a major, a major screw up. I was resigned to flying VIP’s around in choppers in the cold and snow for the rest of my career. It was a miracle, what happened to me; flying General O’Neill to the outpost, sitting down in a chair of all things and lighting up the sky. Who knew I had some crazy gene and that I could turn things on and off with a touch or a thought? She fought for me to come on this expedition; she fought for me to remain in command on Atlantis and be promoted. She never knew I that I found out that she made my promotion happen.” His voice was filled with bitterness and regret.
“John, I…” Teyla stopped; trying to find a way to ask a question that she knew would either anger or upset him. She looked over at him again and the pain he was feeling was evident on his face. She took a deep breath and asked him, “John, we all cared about Elizabeth; we all loved her as our friend, our mentor, our leader. But I have to ask you, did you love her? Is that why you cannot deal with her loss?”
She held her breath, she had felt him tense up and she was not certain if she would now see the John Sheppard that put fear into the bravest of his soldiers or his enemies. Instead, he turned to her with a slight smile on his face and then turned back to looking at Atlantis.
“Teyla, I had feelings for her but I never allowed myself to find out if it was more than simply friendship and respect. I know she cared about me as well; friendship or more, I don’t know. Both of us had too much responsibility to risk ever putting our personal feelings above Atlantis. What I do know is that she was my friend; I respected her, admired her, would have given my life for her,” looking back at Teyla, “or any of you. But I failed her, I failed Ford, I nearly failed you; I have failed so many since coming here. Hell, I woke the Wraith singlehandedly. I should have kept them all safe; I didn’t.”
She felt anger building in her and she fought hard to control it. How could they ever convince him that more would have died, maybe all of them, if he had not been with them? She rose from the balcony deck and walked the short distance to the railing, her back to Sheppard, trying to keep her temper under control but she could not.
“John, I am very tired of you thinking that you are responsible for all of the people who have died. You are not, no one person could be. You have saved more of us than you can imagine; you have tried to sacrifice yourself to save us. You have been severely injured and refused to give up, just to save us, to save me and my son.”
She turned toward John, her voice calmer, “Yes, colonel, you woke the Wraith. The question is why, why did you wake the Wraith? The Wraith woke early because you came to rescue us, your men and my people, people you didn’t even know; yet you chose not to let us die. Everything that you do is because you want to protect us, to keep us alive. When are you going to realize that you are not to blame for all the horrible things that have occurred since you came to Atlantis? You must not dwell on regret and not see the good things you have done, there are people all over the galaxy that are still alive because of you.”
Sheppard didn’t answer. He was looking out at Atlantis; the beauty of the city starship silhouetted against the stars was overwhelming. The one place he felt more at home than anywhere he had ever been. He wanted to believe her but he couldn’t; he had made too many mistakes and his mistakes had cost them all too much.
When he spoke, his voice was low; Teyla could barely hear him. “Teyla, I have a lot of regrets in my life. I failed my father, I failed the military; I failed my ex-wife; I failed Sumner, Grodin, Gall, too many others to mention. I nearly failed you.”
John stood up and turned toward the tower door. “The one thing I don’t regret is that you and Torren are safe and will soon be with Kaanan. If I have done anything right, that’s it.” He walked into the tower and Teyla could hear the sound of his boots on the steps getting fainter and fainter.
A cry from Torren interrupted Teyla’s reflection, as she reached out to take care of her son; she decided that she needed to find Rodney and Ronon and determine what they needed to do. They could not allow Sheppard’s pain to continue.
Author: stella_pegasi
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis
Rating: PG-13
Character/Pairing: John Sheppard, Rodney McKay, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan, Jennifer Keller, others, original characters.
Spoilers: It would be easier to tell you what wasn’t mentioned…suffice to say that if you have watched all of the episodes that either deal with Elizabeth Weir or discuss Weir then it most likely included as is just about everything else.
Warnings: Minor bad language, lots of angst, there is whump, mention of possible self-injury.
Het/Slash/Gen: Gen
Word count: 16,658
Disclaimer: I do not own them, I would have treated them better.
Summary: Upon the anniversary of a tragic loss, Sheppard’s in pain and his team is distraught at not being able to help him.
REFLECTIONS IN WATER
REFLECTIONS IN WATER
By stella_pegasi
CHAPTER TWO THE ATHOSIAN BUBBLES
Teyla opened the door to her quarters and found Amelia and Torren both asleep in the big overstuffed chair that John found when they were on a trade mission. He didn’t care for the stark uncomfortable furnishings that decorated the city and made it his personal mission to bring a bit of comfort to the expedition members. During one of their movie nights, Torren had claimed the chair as his own and somehow the chair left the lounge and found its way to Teyla and Kaanan’s quarters.
Hearing the door, Amelia opened her eyes and smiled at Teyla. “Welcome back, how was the mission?” Teyla sat down on the Atlantian couch across from Amelia and leaned back, sighing. “Amelia, how are any of our missions? At least no one suffered any serious injuries; although we do have bruises.”
“So I take it that Dr. McKay must have stepped on some toes again?”
Laughing, Teyla replied, “You are very astute; yes, Dr. McKay had an altercation with a very large Kieren Councilman. Rodney insulted him without realizing it. Let us just say, a few punches later, it was over”
Torren chose that moment to wake up. Seeing Teyla, he immediately reached out for her. Teyla rose and took her son from Amelia’s arms.
“I hope he did not cause you or Miko trouble while I was away. He is becoming quite a handful.”
“Oh, not at all, Teyla; he is a delight, although he misses both of you when you are gone. However, he doesn’t lack for attention. The Marines were arguing over who got to play with him next this afternoon.”
“Thank you so much, I never worry about him being here without his father or me. He is very fortunate to have so many who care about him.”
Picking up her jacket from the back of the chair, Amelia walked toward the door. “I am off to the control room; Chuck took the first half of my shift, because he wants to leave early tomorrow to practice for the opening Grunts and Geeks basketball game. I’ll let Miko know that you are back so she doesn’t have to watch him this evening. Torren has had his bath and his dinner, so he is ready for bed. You look like you could use a hot bath and bed yourself.”
“Again, very astute; that is exactly my plan. I appreciate you telling Miko I am back.”
As the door closed, Teyla looked around the room and thought how empty it seemed without Kaanan. He was on a trade mission with Major Lorne’s team and she knew how happy he was to have the opportunity to be of help to the expedition. It had only been two months since Atlantis had returned from Earth and during the time that she had been away from him, she had realized how much she missed him. Their reunion was more than she had hoped for and she was content.
As she walked into the bedroom, Torren snuggled against her, falling asleep again. Taking a blanket from the bed, she placed him into the portable playpen that Dr. Zelenka had given her when they were on Earth. Unlocking the wheels, she rolled him into the bathroom.
When they returned from the Milky Way, Teyla and Kaanan were able to move into bigger quarters and the bathroom had a very large bathtub. She had never had such a luxury before. At lunch soon after they moved in, she told Rodney about the big bathtub. His eyes lit up and she smiled as she remembered the conversation.
“You have a big bathtub? Is it in the corner like mine?”
“No, Rodney, it sits under a window looking out on the Southwest Pier.”
“Sweet,” Rodney said. “Mine doesn’t have a view. Ummm, a nice soak in a tub of hot water and lots of bubbles; best way to relax after a tough day. Except for eating that is” as he reached for another roll, his third.
“Bubbles? What do bubbles have to do with having a bath?”
“You don’t know about bubble baths?” Rodney mumbled in mid-bite of his roll.
“No, Rodney, I do not know what you mean.”
“Ooh, are you in for a treat. Bubble baths are wonderful.” His face lighting up with glee, he continued, “You put this nice smelling liquid soap stuff under the running water and bubbles form. It is heavenly. You have to try it!”
When Teyla returned to her quarters that evening, there was a bottle with a note tied to it sitting outside her door. The note read, Teyla, this bottle contains bubble bath. Just turn on the faucet, pour a cap full or two under the running water and watch the bubbles form. You are going to love it. Oh yeah…this smells like lavender that grows on Earth. Rodney. She blushed just a bit when she thought about that night; Kanaan had liked the bubbles as well.
Tonight, however, she had the bathtub all to herself and soon she was enveloped in the wonderful scent and frothy bubbles. The enjoyment didn’t last long and she hadn’t expected it would. Relaxing was only bringing the pain of the day back to her. The pain of remembering the day that Elizabeth had died.
They had all agreed that they lost Elizabeth Weir three years before when the beam coming from the Replicator satellite pierced the tower. Elizabeth was blown over the balcony by the force of the explosion and landed in the gate room below. When Rodney reactivated the nanites to save her, that act only kept Elizabeth with them for a short while. She was lost to them for the second time when she accompanied Sheppard, McKay and Ronon to steal a ZPM from the Replicators. They had returned alone after she sacrificed herself to save them.
John had vowed to find her but she found them first. It had only been a few short months before the frantic voyage to save Earth from the Wraith that her disembodied energy had returned to Atlantis. She brought the last of Replicators with her who soon posed a threat to Atlantis. They had lost her to the coldness of space as once again she sacrificed herself to save Atlantis. However none of this changed the fact that Elizabeth was truly lost to them the moment her head hit the gate room floor.
Teyla sunk deeper into the bathtub as memories of Elizabeth swirled in her head; their uneasy start when the city was in danger and Elizabeth did not fully trust her or her people to the close friendship that grew between them. How many times had she watched Elizabeth face down enemies or comfort the injured? Most often it was one of SGA-1 that she was worried about or had to comfort, though Colonel Sheppard always kidded Elizabeth about her serious lack of a bedside manner. Colonel Sheppard. She drew in a deep breath and wondered if she should be checking on him instead of enjoying her bubble bath. She knew he would just tell her that he was fine and that would be the end of the conversation. That fact didn’t lessen her concern.
That Sheppard cared deeply about Elizabeth was no secret to her. She remembered the times she and Elizabeth would share a late night cocoa in the mess hall, watching Sheppard sitting with Rodney, verbally sparring over some movie or some silly thing. Sometimes he would look over at them and flash a crooked grin. Elizabeth was convinced his grin was for Teyla; Teyla thought his grin was for Elizabeth. The truth was they knew he cared about them both. She had spoken to John about his feelings for Elizabeth; her mind drifting to the conversation she had with him as Atlantis entered the Pegasus Galaxy, returning from Earth.
Scientist and soldier alike were happy to be returning to what they had come to know as home. She and Torren were returning to Kaanan. But one expedition member was uneasy and after all the years they had known each other, Teyla knew when John Sheppard was in pain.
Amelia and Ronon had volunteered to take care of Torren one evening and Teyla decided to go looking for John. As they got closer and closer to Pegasus, John had begun to withdraw and disappear for long periods of time. She went to Rodney and asked if he could locate John on the internal sensors.
“Teyla, do you know what is wrong with him?” Rodney’s face was sad and Teyla was certain he already knew the answer.
“I believe that Colonel Sheppard is upset because the last time he traveled on Atlantis as she flew through the stars, Elizabeth died. We are returning to the same planet that we landed on after she stayed on the Replicator world. I believe that he is reliving that time and it is most difficult for him.”
Rodney looked away from her, his hands trembling, “He shouldn’t blame himself; he should blame me. I am the one who turned on the nanites. This is my fault and I don’t know how to help him.”
Teyla gently placed a hand on his shoulder and quietly said, “What happened to Elizabeth was no one’s fault, Rodney. What you did was to try and help her; how can that wrong? John does not blame you. He was angry with you at the time but he knew you were only trying to save her.”
“Find him and help him, Teyla. I don’t know who else can.”
She smiled at Rodney and wrapped her arms around him. She whispered, “I will try.”
The sensors had directed her to a remote part of the city on the eastern pier. She had been part of a scout team that had ventured into the area the first year of the expedition. They had assumed that the east pier was a designated area to land Ancient ships and was where the Daedalus and Apollo landed now. There were also huge chambers that could have been manufacturing areas, warehouses, or hangers for ships. So many possibilities and so little information had been uncovered so far in the Ancient database. Her target however, was a slender thirty-story tower with a small balcony on the top floor that faced the center of the city. Rodney’s scan had shown that John Sheppard was there.
Reaching the top of the narrow staircase leading up from the transporter level, Teyla took a deep breath and wondered if she was doing the right thing. Sheppard was a very private man and she did not want to intrude but she also knew that someone must. He should not be blaming himself for Elizabeth’s loss. Resolved, she opened the door and walked onto the balcony and once again, felt the strangeness of the still air trapped by the shield.
Teyla had stepped out on the balcony next to the control room once before during the trip home and she had been disturbed at how it felt with only the shield between the city and cold, airless space. The air trapped inside the shield was still, none of the familiar breezes present when Atlantis floated on an ocean. Standing on this little balcony made her feel uneasy again.
“Weird, isn’t it? No breeze.” The low, husky voice came from her right, surprising her. As she turned, she saw Sheppard sitting against the wall, his knees pulled up to his chest.
“Colonel, you startled me.”
She heard a low chuckled and Sheppard replied, “Strange you’d be startled, I doubt you came out here for the view. Imagine you’re looking for me.”
“I am.”
Stretching his long legs out in front of him, Sheppard sighed. “Teyla, go back to Torren, I’m fine.”
“Torren is the one who is fine, colonel. Amelia and Ronon volunteered to watch him and the last I saw of him, he was laughing as Ronon threw him in the air. Only would I trust Ronon to do that. It is you, I am worried about.” Sitting down next to him, she looked at his profile and even in the low light from the security lamps on the tower, she could see how tired and upset he looked. “John, I believe I know what is bothering you. You must not blame yourself for Elizabeth’s death.”
“Look, I don’t need to hear all the reasons that I shouldn’t feel responsible. Damn it, Teyla. I am responsible; I didn’t protect her. I should have gotten the city out of the water faster; I shouldn’t have let that beam hit the tower. It’s my fault.”
Sheppard dropped his head to his chest, taking a deep breath that sounded more like a sob; his hands clenched into fists at his sides. Teyla was unsure how to continue but knew that she must. “John, it is not anyone’s fault that Elizabeth is dead. Not yours, not Rodney’s, not anyone’s. It was an accident, a very tragic accident. You could not know that Elizabeth would be standing in the exact spot where the beam penetrated the tower. You did not order the shields to be dropped to gain the power needed to escape the planet; Elizabeth did. Elizabeth gave the order that allowed you to save Atlantis and unfortunately, she lost her life. John, no one was to blame.”
Minutes went by before John spoke. “She saved me, Teyla. I had given up, knew my career in the Air Force was over, that I would never be anything other than a major, a major screw up. I was resigned to flying VIP’s around in choppers in the cold and snow for the rest of my career. It was a miracle, what happened to me; flying General O’Neill to the outpost, sitting down in a chair of all things and lighting up the sky. Who knew I had some crazy gene and that I could turn things on and off with a touch or a thought? She fought for me to come on this expedition; she fought for me to remain in command on Atlantis and be promoted. She never knew I that I found out that she made my promotion happen.” His voice was filled with bitterness and regret.
“John, I…” Teyla stopped; trying to find a way to ask a question that she knew would either anger or upset him. She looked over at him again and the pain he was feeling was evident on his face. She took a deep breath and asked him, “John, we all cared about Elizabeth; we all loved her as our friend, our mentor, our leader. But I have to ask you, did you love her? Is that why you cannot deal with her loss?”
She held her breath, she had felt him tense up and she was not certain if she would now see the John Sheppard that put fear into the bravest of his soldiers or his enemies. Instead, he turned to her with a slight smile on his face and then turned back to looking at Atlantis.
“Teyla, I had feelings for her but I never allowed myself to find out if it was more than simply friendship and respect. I know she cared about me as well; friendship or more, I don’t know. Both of us had too much responsibility to risk ever putting our personal feelings above Atlantis. What I do know is that she was my friend; I respected her, admired her, would have given my life for her,” looking back at Teyla, “or any of you. But I failed her, I failed Ford, I nearly failed you; I have failed so many since coming here. Hell, I woke the Wraith singlehandedly. I should have kept them all safe; I didn’t.”
She felt anger building in her and she fought hard to control it. How could they ever convince him that more would have died, maybe all of them, if he had not been with them? She rose from the balcony deck and walked the short distance to the railing, her back to Sheppard, trying to keep her temper under control but she could not.
“John, I am very tired of you thinking that you are responsible for all of the people who have died. You are not, no one person could be. You have saved more of us than you can imagine; you have tried to sacrifice yourself to save us. You have been severely injured and refused to give up, just to save us, to save me and my son.”
She turned toward John, her voice calmer, “Yes, colonel, you woke the Wraith. The question is why, why did you wake the Wraith? The Wraith woke early because you came to rescue us, your men and my people, people you didn’t even know; yet you chose not to let us die. Everything that you do is because you want to protect us, to keep us alive. When are you going to realize that you are not to blame for all the horrible things that have occurred since you came to Atlantis? You must not dwell on regret and not see the good things you have done, there are people all over the galaxy that are still alive because of you.”
Sheppard didn’t answer. He was looking out at Atlantis; the beauty of the city starship silhouetted against the stars was overwhelming. The one place he felt more at home than anywhere he had ever been. He wanted to believe her but he couldn’t; he had made too many mistakes and his mistakes had cost them all too much.
When he spoke, his voice was low; Teyla could barely hear him. “Teyla, I have a lot of regrets in my life. I failed my father, I failed the military; I failed my ex-wife; I failed Sumner, Grodin, Gall, too many others to mention. I nearly failed you.”
John stood up and turned toward the tower door. “The one thing I don’t regret is that you and Torren are safe and will soon be with Kaanan. If I have done anything right, that’s it.” He walked into the tower and Teyla could hear the sound of his boots on the steps getting fainter and fainter.
A cry from Torren interrupted Teyla’s reflection, as she reached out to take care of her son; she decided that she needed to find Rodney and Ronon and determine what they needed to do. They could not allow Sheppard’s pain to continue.