"Fuck pen, let's write in eraser."
Of course, we met again.
In the exact same manner, as though neither of us have learned
- or as though both of us have yearned.
The last time we spoke was early November. I told her I did not want anything that she could not afford me, and she never responded. She claims she sent me a text months later in February to tell me she was infatuated with me and still thinking of me, but yet again, sent it to the wrong person. This person responded that they were married with kids, and she said she just thought she dodged a bullet as if that made any sense at all. I'm not sure how much of this I believe.
How many times can you really text the wrong person?
This is starting to sounds like a game.
Silverstein dropped a new album this month, which is what brought us back together. She was the only person I thought of as I listened to the tracks and decided to revisit her page. She posted a story with the one track that reminds me the most of her, and I couldn't help but respond, effectively breaking our silence.
I knew in every listen that she had to be relating so many of those lyrics to me as I was to her. And she was.
The next morning, she sent me a message wanting to hang out. Obviously I obliged, but wanted her to do the legwork for us this time, as we've always lived cities apart and I've done everything.
Ultimately, she didn't - she was more interested in meeting up with a Tinder date before I drove five hours to see her, than she was in planning a night for us. I finally told her I wasn't leaving until she found us a hotel, and she sent me some random place she found on her phone that did not turn out to be a hotel.
I didn't know at the time that she was on a date, she just said she would "be in Orlando," which was already annoying because she could plan that but not this? Then I show up to a crack house in the worst part of Orlando 15 minutes late and this girl isn't even there despite us keeping in contact about our whereabouts.
I could not even stay parked at this place she sent me to, a woman came out eyeballing me hard like I shouldn't be there so I bolted and ended up at Publix downtown. I sent Kait the address, and found it hard to remain unbothered by all of this. This was the moment we had both been waiting for, and this is how she's going about it already? Yikes. I went into the store to find some food and wait on her, and we ended up meeting outside.
I imagined the meeting of the two of us again to be much more fulfilling, however, her inability to plan set the stage for disappointment. I could feel dilution in my initial embrace, but knew I still wanted to finally spend this time with her. She had clarified herself as genuinely single in our previous conversations, and we both knew why we were meeting again.
We got in her car to look for a hotel together, and it was immediately evident that we were still very attracted to one other. She did then end up finding and calling a hotel for us, and even paying for it which was the first time.
Once we got there, for a brief moment as we both crawled into that bed, I saw a different side of her; the one I knew existed and was there to explore. For once, I remember making out, and wish we would have let it escalate after all in hindsight - before the drinking. We were both smiling so much. But we hadn't started our night yet and I was starving, so we stopped ourselves and left to go eat.
We had the same exact thoughts for the night in mind, as always - but the food at what is now our spot was off that night, and the club we went back to was empty. It's currently March of 2020 and the world is suffering from a global pandemic. "Social distancing" has been advised, however, there we were - seeing the first effects that pretty much killed the vibe and made it hard to dance, at least for me.
Once we found ourselves doing more making out than anything, we left and headed back to the hotel. I drove her car at this point, and we sang new Silverstein songs together the whole way. It was great.
We continued at the hotel, and everything after. This I barely remember.
For as intense as I have always believed our connection to be, this doesn't resonate through our physical encounters. The connection between us is constantly broken in her avoidance of it, creating more uncertainty in our approach than passion.
Her approach is also that of getting straight to the point, which I can appreciate and have been just following her lead - but it hasn't really been working out for us. I would love to not be drunk for once and slow the pace. She rushes through it for the most part... so I make her spend some time when she gets there haha.
We do always wake up and go at it again with better results, and I loved just laying with her all morning after just touching her skin, feeling her. I laid there hoping this was the new beginning we had both been awaiting, but chose to omit the dialog. Should this have been it, we would have both felt it with no words needing to be said.
We checked out of the hotel and got breakfast together. It was now Sunday and she told me she had a Tinder date that day, but wanted to continue hanging out instead - so we made plans to go to the beach. I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to catch up, as we had only scratched the surface the previous night.
I did not realize it was Spring Break, or that Daytona Beach would be partying amidst a global pandemic. Having just been unemployed and then moving up to north Florida left me living paycheck to paycheck as I recuperate my savings, so I had $100 left to my name and still needed gas for the 5 hour drive home. Regardless, I picked up her drink of choice for us to talk over at the beach.
She did not want to park on the beach, so we parked at a hotel. Before even getting to the beach, she ran into her... friend? Tinder date she didn't actually cancel? Who really knows. Some guy, with friends. They were DJ'ing on a stage and invited us up, but not before asking for some of my drinks before I even got a chance to have one myself.
Kait didn't ask me at all what I wanted to do, she just abandoned our plans and exclaimed that we were now joining theirs.
My energy immediately shifted and she could feel it. To her credit, she did say we could go somewhere else, however, she seemed excited to have stumbled across the party and I didn't want to take her away from that. But the more I observed, the more my mind started racing and wondering if she set this up.
I had a couple drinks and then watched her group go up to the bar to buy themselves (and her) a drink, without so much as asking to reimburse me with anything. I wouldn't have taken anything from them, but they didn't even ask after drinking mine. Is that okay in the days of the millennial?
I ended up drawing an obvious line in the sand, and Kait did her best to tend to both sides, however - I just drove an hour out of my way to be there with her when I should have been on my way in the other direction to get my dog and make my way back up north. But again, I wanted to have a sober conversation with the girl for once.
My hopes for such were diminished and the let down of her nonchalance rang louder through my head than the music blaring from the stage. She could tell I was uncomfortable, but genuinely didn't care. My date with Stevie in Daytona flashed through my mind, as she had taken me to a karaoke bar where I gave off the same uncomfortable vibes, but she picked up on them right away and took me for a walk on the beach instead. Kait, however, did not give me that decency despite understanding how long she's already kept me waiting.
I stayed because I understand that getting to know her friends will be a large part of getting to know her - but I just wasn't there to party and I couldn't mask my disappointment. When I told her I was leaving, she asked if I was mad and I assured her that I wasn't, but that just wasn't what I had in mind.
I kissed her goodbye but once again, remain uncertain whether I will ever kiss her again. That wasn't the greeting or goodbye that I'd imagined we'd share, and I couldn't listen to any of those Silverstein songs the entire drive home. It was like they had hurt so much until we sang them together in unison and understanding - but now I just resented every word.
She texted to make sure I made it home, and I apologized for leaving. We both agreed that we had an amazing time together regardless. She did not, however, text me the next day, and gave me the "busy" line the moment I texted her.
I can't roll my eyes any harder.
That was the defining moment - that audacity.
Had she not listened to a word I said when we were together? The position I hold now has literally 100x the responsibility of her role - yet she's busy. Okay.
Her games are endless;
I remain but a pawn.