(no subject)
i'm back. hi.
i think it's been several months... i last posted in august or something. good news, i've almost completely stopped purging. bad news, i've gained 8 pounds since i supposedly became "recovered" and now i don't know what to do with myself. my bmi is 17.5. jesus. and everyone tells me, "oh you're looking so much better!" but i feel ugly. i feel disgusting. to be able to walk about in size 3 pants and have then be loose... i felt so powerful. and now they are tight. and i can feel myself expanding.
my therapist wants me on antidepressants, my boyfriends wants me to eat a cheeseburger, and when i find my body feels nourished i just want to make myself bleed. i've been cutting a lot
i really don't want to purge anymore, because i can't reaggravate my ulcer and i can't cough up blood anymore and i really think that if i do it much more i could possibly die.
but i can restrict. i don't like to past because i end up binging, but i can restrict like a motherfucker.
and i need the control, i need the pride, i need the euphoria that comes with starvation. i crave it. i dream of hunger pains.
i don't like it, but i don't what else to do. so hello again.
i think it's been several months... i last posted in august or something. good news, i've almost completely stopped purging. bad news, i've gained 8 pounds since i supposedly became "recovered" and now i don't know what to do with myself. my bmi is 17.5. jesus. and everyone tells me, "oh you're looking so much better!" but i feel ugly. i feel disgusting. to be able to walk about in size 3 pants and have then be loose... i felt so powerful. and now they are tight. and i can feel myself expanding.
my therapist wants me on antidepressants, my boyfriends wants me to eat a cheeseburger, and when i find my body feels nourished i just want to make myself bleed. i've been cutting a lot
i really don't want to purge anymore, because i can't reaggravate my ulcer and i can't cough up blood anymore and i really think that if i do it much more i could possibly die.
but i can restrict. i don't like to past because i end up binging, but i can restrict like a motherfucker.
and i need the control, i need the pride, i need the euphoria that comes with starvation. i crave it. i dream of hunger pains.
i don't like it, but i don't what else to do. so hello again.