(no subject)
purged again.
it was almost a month.
i purged on squash of all things...since when am i supposed to feel guilty about eating squash?
ugh.
+
it's so strange to look in the mirror. i don't think i look as attractive as i used to. i'm so gangly now, and my bones stick out everywhere. none of my pants are flattering because they're all too big.
i can never buy pants that fit, because i'm always afraid to buy ones that are tight. it's as if buying ones that conform to my smaller frame commits me permanently to this size. and as much as i read these communities fervently, i don't want to be ana forever. i certainly don't want to be mia at all.
and so i feel like i shouldn't give myself any more incentives to avoid gaining weight. i'm wearing a size 2 right now and my pants are so low they are almost obscene. safety pins are my friends.
but as much as i don't think i look too good, i am so proud. every time i pass someone on the street i am proud, because i am thinner so therefore i am stronger.
i love to see fat women with diet cokes, because i just feel this swell of superiority at accomplishing what they haven't.
it's a terrible thing to say, but it's true.
+
sorry to be so sporadic, i promise i am neither hospitalized nor dead. i'm just hiding.
it was almost a month.
i purged on squash of all things...since when am i supposed to feel guilty about eating squash?
ugh.
+
it's so strange to look in the mirror. i don't think i look as attractive as i used to. i'm so gangly now, and my bones stick out everywhere. none of my pants are flattering because they're all too big.
i can never buy pants that fit, because i'm always afraid to buy ones that are tight. it's as if buying ones that conform to my smaller frame commits me permanently to this size. and as much as i read these communities fervently, i don't want to be ana forever. i certainly don't want to be mia at all.
and so i feel like i shouldn't give myself any more incentives to avoid gaining weight. i'm wearing a size 2 right now and my pants are so low they are almost obscene. safety pins are my friends.
but as much as i don't think i look too good, i am so proud. every time i pass someone on the street i am proud, because i am thinner so therefore i am stronger.
i love to see fat women with diet cokes, because i just feel this swell of superiority at accomplishing what they haven't.
it's a terrible thing to say, but it's true.
+
sorry to be so sporadic, i promise i am neither hospitalized nor dead. i'm just hiding.