the unlawful compelling of a woman through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse.
i am a better person than some people care to think of me. ive lived a life full of struggle, starting from the beginning, so for people to sit there and try to place blame on me for things i have gone through. yes, i was raped. RAPED. look up the definition of that. ITS NOT RAINBOWS AND FLOWERS. its hurt and pain, and a scar that will never go away. i have finally gotten to the point where i can sleep soundly and not close my eyes and have the images burning in my mind of being held against my will. being helpless. which i tried so hard not to ever do to myself. i cant trust anyone, i couldnt even trust my own sister or mom or anyone for that matter to tell them about it. my mom and my sister only know that i lost my virginity to someone other than ben. and thats all they need to really know. and until you can experience that pain, you need to keep your goddamn mouth shut. its nothing you can sympathize or empathize about unless you actually have it happen to you. i didnt do anything to deserve the kind of pain that ive been dealt. i keep asking myself WHY DO BAD THINGS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME!?!?! i still cant answer that question. but i do know that people sitting here and making a mockery of my pain and feelings is a bit fuckin ridiculous. we all have our own lives, our own stories. you dont know what ive gone through, and i dont know what youve gone through. i dont want to sit here and have a pity me contest but you are only seeing me for one thing and one thing only. just because im a little bit more sexual and open with myself doesnt make me a whore. and its not like i sleep with everyone who walks by me. i waited until i felt ready and that backfired because he hurt me beyond repair. took my heart out threw it in the mud, and stomped on it with his filthy army boots. but luckily i have someone now who doesnt want to hurt me. and why is that so bad? i no longer feel like everyone is out to get me, and i know the way we went about it was messed up, and i do feel bad for you. i felt bad from the beginning. he just wasnt happy, and you cant blame me, a person, for making him happy. its not your fault necessarily that you guys broke up, you just grew apart. and i am honestly scared that when i move he will want to get back with you. because he left you to be with me, and im leaving him into a situation im being forced into by my family. leaving him alone. maybe in your eyes thats what he deserves. but i am not going to leave him. i plan to stay with him for a long time and to make things work. i never expected things between him and i to happen like this. it just happened. i cant describe it. just because im going to be thousands of miles away from him, he still has my heart, my support, and everything i could possibly give him. im sorry that youre not happy and that youre alone, but maybe when you find someone that is worthy of you, than you will be happy and eventually you will realize that everything happens for a reason. you and ben werent meant to be. and like i said before, i am sorry for how it ended, but i am not sorry for saying anything to stand up for myself, and for him. he is a great person, and you should know that, you spent a long time with him. i on the other hand, noticably was raised differently. i was brought up by some fucked up people, but it taught me strength. im a bitch. i am. but when i read words about me that arent true, and that arent ok for you to be sharing with the whole world, and you im sure dont just write your words, you speak them out loud. to anyone that will listen im sure. i on the other hand, would rather deal with it as king of the fuckin mountain. i fight for myself and for what i believe is right. i will not let you blame me for your unhappiness anymore. you are unhappy with yourself, which made you unhappy with ben but still so infatuated at the idea of spending your life with him and marrying him and all that, when you didnt stop to think about how he felt. after how long you guys were together and he still hasnt made a commitment you should have stopped and asked yourself...is he right for me. no you guys just wanted to carry it on for the duration until either one of you was gonna end it. and he did it. im not asking ben for anything other than his love and support. which i dont know if you know this or not, he does. i help him i dont just sit back, i go do things with his family. i know i may not be miss fuckin hot body miss fuckin perfect but oh guess what neither are you. i have alot of things wrong with me, but its not the way someone looks its who they are on the inside. you could be completely gorgeous on the outside, and a total trainwreck on the inside. dont flatter yourself sweetie, your far from perfect. i dare you to speak otherwise. i know i have my problems. not just physically, but emotionally. everyone does. i try not to let that hinder how i treat other people though. so if you could just take a look at yourself and realize youre not perfect either, and to stop judging me just because i am in love with someone you were or still are in love with. you cant blame me for that, and you cant blame him either. you didnt belong together. i dont know if we belong together either, but i do have to say he is alot happier when he is with me. and that is the world to me. youll find someone who is just as happy to be with you. you will. just take your time. please just move on with your life and remove any traces of him from it.