random blow-by-blow: the 2013 oscars
So I've been struck by the urge to crawl back to this journal and do something I haven't done for some time: liveblog the Oscars.
I'm not particularly invested in the nominations, mostly because I don't go to the movies anymore. (Shit be expensive these days. Plus I don't like going by myself.) But I am bored, and I like seeing what people wear--I'm looking forward to the recaps on Go Fug Yourself--and why the fuck not, really. It'll give me something to do for a while.
(Also, first post using this new post layout. What the hell even is this shit.)
- Shopping around for a decent feed. Fuck you ABC and your region locks.
- Just saw Samantha Barks on the red carpet. GURRRRRRRRL DAT PLUNGING NECKLINE ~WERQ IT
- I wonder if Oliver's moved on from the Hippodrome yet. She was playing Nancy in it. Maybe I should have stage door creeped. (The stage door is literally right across the one-way street from the front door of my building.)
- Okay, screw the Associated Press stream, going back to a feed of New York City's ABC channel. And making second dinner because I'm hungry.
- QUVENZHANE WALLIS IS SO FUCKING CUTE I DO NOT LIKE CHILDREN AS A RULE BUT DAMN. HER PUPPY PURSES. Her mom seems quality. "If it's fun for her, it's fun for us." Keep that attitude going.
- Are they serious when they say Sally Field's arrival was much-anticipated? Not sure if they were trying to be funny or not. She is keeping it classy, though.
- Who the hell ARE these red carpet commentators, anyway? I've never heard of them. Maybe I should be watching the E! red carpet show instead.
- OH GOD KRISTIN CHENOWITH. Sorry but I can't stand her. She annoys the fuck out of me.
- LOL at the lady holding up the train of the dress being worn by whoever was just being interviewed behind Kristin. (Edit: it's Amanda Seyfried. Who is being hilarious about how her dress feels.)
- Robin Roberts, you look flawless.
- Also LOL I think Jessica Chastain was not being genuine when she said she thinks Kristin is amazing. Dat ~hesitation.
- Kelly Rowland, that joke about Channing Tatum's wife and how the baby got there was sort of tasteless.
- What is Ewan McGregor doing in this Jack the Giant Slayer movie?
- YEEEEEEESSSSSSS A NEW ALLSTATE MAYHEM COMMERCIAL
- I think this Lara lady did a good job of interviewing Quvenzhane. Like... not talking to her like an adult, yet not talking down to her either.
- Jennifer Lawrence is my spirit animal. Honestly, if I were famous, I would be like her.
- HOLY SHIT ZOE SALDANA THE LAST UNICORN IS PROBABLY MY EARLIEST FILM MEMORY TOO
- Catherine Zeta-Jones looks fucking amazing. And MICHAEL DOUGLASSSSSSSSSS. I will stop whatever I'm doing and watch 'The American President' whenever it comes on TV.
- DAN FUCKING RAD I LOVE YOU FUCK THE HATERS I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE HERE BUT I'M SO HAPPY YOU ARE AA;ASLDJGHAL;DFGHS;LDFH
- Screw Naomi Watts, HER DATE IS LIEV SCHREIBER. (Just kidding, Naomi.) (Only a little.) (I still love you, though.)
- Joseph Gordon-Levitt, you've come a long way.
- Dammit, I still haven't seen Prometheus.
- Bradley Cooper, you are a lovely man for interrupting Kristin to introduce your mother to her.
- Nicole Kidman, your dress. Me gusta.
- I do not like peplum hems but Charlize Theron still looks like a freaking goddess.
- Good god this is going to be like ten pages of dress commentary before the damn awards even start. Forgive me for my trespasses, whoever ends up reading this (if anyone at all.)
- I LOVE ALL THE COLLEGE EXPERIENCE WINNERS.
- If your commercial starts out with "from the screenwriters of the Twilight series".... well. Do I even need to continue?
- HUGH JACKMAN. MY KING. I feel like he would have made a bitchin' stage Enjolras back in the day. Still proud to say I knew who he was before X-Men.
- CHRIS EVANS. ALSO MY KING. AND HIS DATE IS HIS MOM. I CAN'T. I will never forget the moment he won over the Captain America fandom with the story of the little boy who wanted an autograph from Johnny Storm. Grown men shedding tears on an internet forum and proclaiming it "a Cap thing to do".
- DANRAD AGAIN. Fuck, I love him.
- Forget everyone else. Is SWINTON at the Oscars?
- Good fucking LORD but Adele looks like a giantess standing next to Kristin Chenowith.
- Stop taking off your damn shoes, Kristin.
- Has George Clooney ever actually shown up to the Oscars with the same date two years in a row? (I'm so rude.)
- Okay, nipple pleats. No. It's like giving off the illusion of actually seeing Anne Hathaway's actual nipples.
- If Kristin says "of course you are" to people telling her what they're wearing one more time I may stab my laptop screen.
- Look at this British dude playing my American cousin. (Imeanwhat)
- The front of Kristin Stewart's dress looks like it's trying to faceplant its way off her.
- Yes. We all know Renee Zellweger as Squinty McDucklips.
- Even the dudes in the broadcast booth are in tuxedos? CLASS.
- GET OFF MY LAPTOP SCREEN KRISTIN GO THE FUCK AWAY AND DON'T COME BACK (EVEN THOUGH I KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO, DAMMIT)
- Finally: the actual Oscars ceremony. FINALLY.
- SAMUEL L.!!!!!!! MY LIEGE! LOOKING FLY AS FUCK!
- My thoughts on Seth MacFarlane hosting: will anyone recognize him? Does anyone actually know what he looks like?
- Oooooh, a theme. Music in film. Don't disappoint me, show.
- HOLY SHIT THE JOKE ABOUT DANIEL DAY-LEWIS WANTING TO FREE DON CHEADLE. AND THEN DATE NIGHT FOR CHRIS BROWN AND RIHANNA. THIS IS AWKWARD AS
- EXCUSE ME IS THAT SHATNER IN UNIFORM ON A FUCKING BRIDGE SET
- And now Shatner has become Tumblr. Saying Tina and Amy should host all the awards ever.
- I don't even know what is happening anymore.
- Samuel L. Jackson does not look amused back there.
- Now Channing Tatum and Charlize Theron are doing a dancing number reminiscent of old school Hollywood. I SERIOUSLY don't know what's happening anymore.
- NOW DANIEL RADCLIFFE AND JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT ARE SINGING AND DOING SOFTSHOE. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON
- Didn't Danrad do that handstand move in How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying?
- Oh thank Hot Gay Jesus, it's Octavia Spencer. Bring me some class and normalcy.
- Anyone else remember when Philip Seymour Hoffman was a bit-character actor in Twister? No? Just me?
- Christoph Waltz just won Best Supporting Actor. Tumblr meltdown in 3, 2...
- Random reaction shot of Jack Nicholson.
- Even more random usage of the E.T. theme.
- PAUL RUDD WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR HAIR
- Is that an actual tartan the guy for Brave is wearing? As for the lady: I WANT HER DRESS.
- Why the hell did they cut to Robert de Niro when mentioning Beasts of the Southern Wild?
- Uh was that music played during the Beasts clip actually from the film? Because me gusta.
- HAY HAY HAY YOU FABULOUS BITCHES FROM THE AVENGERS OH MY GOD I AM LAUGHING SO HARD AT RENNER AND SAMUEL L. but where is Scarlett. -_-
- Cinematography dude, you are refreshingly real. You're still more composed than I would be.
- Can the Avengers just host the rest of the Oscars? Because seriously.
- Dude continuing to give his speech despite being chased away by THE MOTHERFUCKING JAWS THEME. I salute you.
- "Feels Like The First Time"?
- Jennifer Aniston's hair looks way too close to gray for what I'm sure she'd like.
- NGL, I wanted Snow White and the Huntsman to win Best Costume Design.
- That Makeup & Hairstyling lady is wearing a short black dress and hot pink tights. NO FUCKS GIVEN, I LOVE IT. Fucking BOO to The Hobbit not winning, though.
- Okay, the acrobatic silhouettes during this Bone tribute are becoming a bit weird.
- Holy shit Shirley Bassey looks classy as fuck.
- Weirdly overlong shot of Reese Witherspoon clapping.
- Tommy Lee Jones is sitting on the back of a truck talking to me about the American Dream. AMURRCA.
- Jamie Foxx and Kerry Washington stating the fucking truth about short films.
- Tommy Lee Jones looks bored.
- That music they're playing for Innocente. I RECOGNIZE IT. SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT IT IS.
- I heard what you did there, playing a Schindler's List cue for Liam Neeson.
- I can't help but see Daniel Day-Lewis as Abraham Lincoln and look for my Papa Lincoln's face in his. The amazing thing is? I can actually see it, a little.
- What the hell was that weird fast zoom-in on Ben Affleck?
- ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME THE JAWS THEME AGAIN? I mean I get that the show is supposed to be celebrating music in film and that's a damn iconic snippet of music from a film, but Jesus Christ using it to chase Oscar winners off the stage is tacky as shit.
- Wow, Jennifer Garner and Jessica Chastain were walking in step almost all the way to the microphone. /marching band nerd
- Can't decide if Salma Hayek was overcome or bored as hell.
- They are actually acknowledging the orchestra. I CAN'T. /concert band nerd
- This musicals tribute pleases me. Even if I'm not invested at all in any of the musicals being featured. (Les Miserables I would only go to see if someone I REALLY FUCKING LIKED was in the cast.)
- Jennifer Hudson gets a standing ovation for her performance. Which she fucking deserved.
- COME TO ME HUGH JACKMAN
- ...wait, he's singing the new song? Fuck that noise.
- No, Enjolras, your entrance needs to be more powerful than that. (ANTHONY WARLOW ANTHONY WARLOW ANTHONY WARLOW)
- Underwhelmed by One Day More. I'll take the 10th Anniversary Concert cast, thanks. (Plus Anthony. 10th Anniversary Enjolras can sit down.)
- CAPTAIN FINE ugh my body is so beyond ready for Star Trek Into Darkness.
- OH MY GOD THEY'RE USING MUSIC FROM CONTACT FOR THIS SEGMENT LET ME DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE
- Poor Mark Wahlberg. Co-presenting with an animated bear and oh, look, he actually is there live!
- Nice Jewish jokes there, yo. (Not.)
- A tie, seriously? Has that happened before? Someone remind me to hit up Google later.
- OMGLOL DUDE GOT THE OSCAR FOR HIS SON there's something in my eye.
- Random-ish Sound of Music joke. For a second I thought there wasn't actually going to be Christopher Plummer. BUT THERE IS AND HE IS FUCKING FLAWLESS AND GRACE AND LET ME LOVE YOU SIR.
- He called Anne "Miss Anne Hathaway". Keeping it classy, sir.
- OMG the Academy president is personally introducing and welcoming the College Experience winners to the stage. FUCKING RESPECT. I AM SO PLEASED FOR YOU GUYS. (And then Seth MacFarlane has to come back and make a really lame joke. Ugh.)
- I have no strong feelings about Skyfall the song, except that I sort of like the old-timey smooth vibe it has, as well as the way the Bond theme was worked into it.
- YAY MY FRIEND IDENTIFIED THE MUSICAL CUE PLAYED FOR INNOCENTE THAT WAS BUGGING THE SHIT OUT OF ME. It's part of Alan Silvestri's theme for Forrest Gump. Music directors be loving them some Silvestri tonight, apparently.
- Ten bucks says all the Captain Swan shippers are going to take Hook's appearances in the various ABC commercials as a ~sign. -_-
- YAY DANRAD YOU'RE BACK I'M GLAD YOU WEREN'T JUST THERE FOR THAT SOFTSHOE AT THE BEGINNING. The bodice on Kristen Stewart's dress looks like it's peeling away from her chest, though.
- I'm looking forward to reading all the blogs tomorrow tearing Seth MacFarlane's hosting job to atomic shreds.
- NO OH MY GOD THE JURASSIC PARK THEME I'M GOING TO FUCKING CRY
- AW HALE NO NOT THE IN MEMORIAM TRIBUTE
- ERNEST BORGNINE. RALPH MCQUARRIE. MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN. Whoa Herbert Lom.
- SURPRISE BARBRA STREISAND.
- The set looks like the underground lair in The Phantom of the Opera. Me fucking gusta.
- I wish I had some investment in the Best Score category but I rarely recognize the names being nominated anymore. Also, Thomas Newman, James Bond composer? How about no. Didn't David Arnold do a few of them? Bring him back.
- Scarlett Johansson sounds weirdly like Adele as a singer?
- Adele hands it over to the other songwriter because she fucking lost the ability to can. I KNOW THOSE FEELS, GURL. I mean I don't because I've never won an Oscar but I know all about losing the ability to can.
- OMFGLMAO CHARLIZE THERON COMING OUT WITH HER ARM SLUNG AROUND DUSTIN HOFFMAN LIKE THAT. He is so tiny next to her.
- The Best Adapted Screenplay winner's thanks to Ben Affleck. Something got stuck in my eye.
- Oh lord, Tarantino. This may be a hot mess.
- OH MY GOD JAMIE FOXX'S FACE, HE MUST HAVE BEEN THINKING THAT TARANTINO WAS THANKING HIMSELF
- OR MAYBE HE *WAS* THANKING HIMSELF AND THREW IN PROPS TO THE ACTORS ON TOP OF THANKING HIMSELF
- Michael Douglas I fucking love you.
- "Thank you, movie god." Ang Lee prays to the right deity.
- I think I just fell in love with Jean Dujardin. Probably a year after everyone else did.
- GET IT QUVENZHANE
- HI LIEV
- HOLY FUCKING SHIT SERIOUSLY OH MY GOD SHE TRIPPED ON THE WAY UP THE STAIRS AND WAS GONNA JUST LIE THERE LIKE "I'M OKAY GO ON WITHOUT ME" AND WAS THAT CLOONEY OR BRADLEY RUNNING TO HELP HER OMGGGGGG THE CUTE GEEKY COLLEGE STUDENT GUY GOT TO PRESENT HER AWARD TO HER FUCKING SHIT I CAN'T
- HELEN MIRREN IS MY HBIC ONLY SURPASSED BY SIGOURNEY WEAVER HAY GURL HAY
- ... oh my god I said Meryl Streep was Helen Mirren. This is what Jennifer Lawrence winning has reduced me to.
- Daniel Day-Lewis fucking slaying it with his speech. (And no one was surprised that he won, by the way.)
- SURPRISE PLOT TWIST: MICHELLE OBAMA CO-PRESENTS BEST FILM LIVE FROM THE WHITE HOUSE?! WHILST LOOKING FUCKING FINE AND ACCOMPANIED BY SERVICEMEN AND WOMEN?!
- Also Jack Nicholson always fucking amuses me. At least he swapped his shades for actual glasses.
- Sit the fuck down, Grant Heslov, you ARE sexy.
- Ben Affleck speed-speeches and then completely loses his shit. AS YOU WOULD.
- Clooney says nothing.
- Oh god, here's Kristin Chenowith. Go away.
- Whoa wait what, Joel McNeely composed music for this? /Shadows of the Empire
- The one compliment I will pay Seth MacFarlane is that he's a good singer.
- Okay, I'm done. Peace out, anyone who bothered to read this.
I'm not particularly invested in the nominations, mostly because I don't go to the movies anymore. (Shit be expensive these days. Plus I don't like going by myself.) But I am bored, and I like seeing what people wear--I'm looking forward to the recaps on Go Fug Yourself--and why the fuck not, really. It'll give me something to do for a while.
(Also, first post using this new post layout. What the hell even is this shit.)
- Shopping around for a decent feed. Fuck you ABC and your region locks.
- Just saw Samantha Barks on the red carpet. GURRRRRRRRL DAT PLUNGING NECKLINE ~WERQ IT
- I wonder if Oliver's moved on from the Hippodrome yet. She was playing Nancy in it. Maybe I should have stage door creeped. (The stage door is literally right across the one-way street from the front door of my building.)
- Okay, screw the Associated Press stream, going back to a feed of New York City's ABC channel. And making second dinner because I'm hungry.
- QUVENZHANE WALLIS IS SO FUCKING CUTE I DO NOT LIKE CHILDREN AS A RULE BUT DAMN. HER PUPPY PURSES. Her mom seems quality. "If it's fun for her, it's fun for us." Keep that attitude going.
- Are they serious when they say Sally Field's arrival was much-anticipated? Not sure if they were trying to be funny or not. She is keeping it classy, though.
- Who the hell ARE these red carpet commentators, anyway? I've never heard of them. Maybe I should be watching the E! red carpet show instead.
- OH GOD KRISTIN CHENOWITH. Sorry but I can't stand her. She annoys the fuck out of me.
- LOL at the lady holding up the train of the dress being worn by whoever was just being interviewed behind Kristin. (Edit: it's Amanda Seyfried. Who is being hilarious about how her dress feels.)
- Robin Roberts, you look flawless.
- Also LOL I think Jessica Chastain was not being genuine when she said she thinks Kristin is amazing. Dat ~hesitation.
- Kelly Rowland, that joke about Channing Tatum's wife and how the baby got there was sort of tasteless.
- What is Ewan McGregor doing in this Jack the Giant Slayer movie?
- YEEEEEEESSSSSSS A NEW ALLSTATE MAYHEM COMMERCIAL
- I think this Lara lady did a good job of interviewing Quvenzhane. Like... not talking to her like an adult, yet not talking down to her either.
- Jennifer Lawrence is my spirit animal. Honestly, if I were famous, I would be like her.
- HOLY SHIT ZOE SALDANA THE LAST UNICORN IS PROBABLY MY EARLIEST FILM MEMORY TOO
- Catherine Zeta-Jones looks fucking amazing. And MICHAEL DOUGLASSSSSSSSSS. I will stop whatever I'm doing and watch 'The American President' whenever it comes on TV.
- DAN FUCKING RAD I LOVE YOU FUCK THE HATERS I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE HERE BUT I'M SO HAPPY YOU ARE AA;ASLDJGHAL;DFGHS;LDFH
- Screw Naomi Watts, HER DATE IS LIEV SCHREIBER. (Just kidding, Naomi.) (Only a little.) (I still love you, though.)
- Joseph Gordon-Levitt, you've come a long way.
- Dammit, I still haven't seen Prometheus.
- Bradley Cooper, you are a lovely man for interrupting Kristin to introduce your mother to her.
- Nicole Kidman, your dress. Me gusta.
- I do not like peplum hems but Charlize Theron still looks like a freaking goddess.
- Good god this is going to be like ten pages of dress commentary before the damn awards even start. Forgive me for my trespasses, whoever ends up reading this (if anyone at all.)
- I LOVE ALL THE COLLEGE EXPERIENCE WINNERS.
- If your commercial starts out with "from the screenwriters of the Twilight series".... well. Do I even need to continue?
- HUGH JACKMAN. MY KING. I feel like he would have made a bitchin' stage Enjolras back in the day. Still proud to say I knew who he was before X-Men.
- CHRIS EVANS. ALSO MY KING. AND HIS DATE IS HIS MOM. I CAN'T. I will never forget the moment he won over the Captain America fandom with the story of the little boy who wanted an autograph from Johnny Storm. Grown men shedding tears on an internet forum and proclaiming it "a Cap thing to do".
- DANRAD AGAIN. Fuck, I love him.
- Forget everyone else. Is SWINTON at the Oscars?
- Good fucking LORD but Adele looks like a giantess standing next to Kristin Chenowith.
- Stop taking off your damn shoes, Kristin.
- Has George Clooney ever actually shown up to the Oscars with the same date two years in a row? (I'm so rude.)
- Okay, nipple pleats. No. It's like giving off the illusion of actually seeing Anne Hathaway's actual nipples.
- If Kristin says "of course you are" to people telling her what they're wearing one more time I may stab my laptop screen.
- Look at this British dude playing my American cousin. (Imeanwhat)
- The front of Kristin Stewart's dress looks like it's trying to faceplant its way off her.
- Yes. We all know Renee Zellweger as Squinty McDucklips.
- Even the dudes in the broadcast booth are in tuxedos? CLASS.
- GET OFF MY LAPTOP SCREEN KRISTIN GO THE FUCK AWAY AND DON'T COME BACK (EVEN THOUGH I KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO, DAMMIT)
- Finally: the actual Oscars ceremony. FINALLY.
- SAMUEL L.!!!!!!! MY LIEGE! LOOKING FLY AS FUCK!
- My thoughts on Seth MacFarlane hosting: will anyone recognize him? Does anyone actually know what he looks like?
- Oooooh, a theme. Music in film. Don't disappoint me, show.
- HOLY SHIT THE JOKE ABOUT DANIEL DAY-LEWIS WANTING TO FREE DON CHEADLE. AND THEN DATE NIGHT FOR CHRIS BROWN AND RIHANNA. THIS IS AWKWARD AS
- EXCUSE ME IS THAT SHATNER IN UNIFORM ON A FUCKING BRIDGE SET
- And now Shatner has become Tumblr. Saying Tina and Amy should host all the awards ever.
- I don't even know what is happening anymore.
- Samuel L. Jackson does not look amused back there.
- Now Channing Tatum and Charlize Theron are doing a dancing number reminiscent of old school Hollywood. I SERIOUSLY don't know what's happening anymore.
- NOW DANIEL RADCLIFFE AND JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT ARE SINGING AND DOING SOFTSHOE. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON
- Didn't Danrad do that handstand move in How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying?
- Oh thank Hot Gay Jesus, it's Octavia Spencer. Bring me some class and normalcy.
- Anyone else remember when Philip Seymour Hoffman was a bit-character actor in Twister? No? Just me?
- Christoph Waltz just won Best Supporting Actor. Tumblr meltdown in 3, 2...
- Random reaction shot of Jack Nicholson.
- Even more random usage of the E.T. theme.
- PAUL RUDD WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR HAIR
- Is that an actual tartan the guy for Brave is wearing? As for the lady: I WANT HER DRESS.
- Why the hell did they cut to Robert de Niro when mentioning Beasts of the Southern Wild?
- Uh was that music played during the Beasts clip actually from the film? Because me gusta.
- HAY HAY HAY YOU FABULOUS BITCHES FROM THE AVENGERS OH MY GOD I AM LAUGHING SO HARD AT RENNER AND SAMUEL L. but where is Scarlett. -_-
- Cinematography dude, you are refreshingly real. You're still more composed than I would be.
- Can the Avengers just host the rest of the Oscars? Because seriously.
- Dude continuing to give his speech despite being chased away by THE MOTHERFUCKING JAWS THEME. I salute you.
- "Feels Like The First Time"?
- Jennifer Aniston's hair looks way too close to gray for what I'm sure she'd like.
- NGL, I wanted Snow White and the Huntsman to win Best Costume Design.
- That Makeup & Hairstyling lady is wearing a short black dress and hot pink tights. NO FUCKS GIVEN, I LOVE IT. Fucking BOO to The Hobbit not winning, though.
- Okay, the acrobatic silhouettes during this Bone tribute are becoming a bit weird.
- Holy shit Shirley Bassey looks classy as fuck.
- Weirdly overlong shot of Reese Witherspoon clapping.
- Tommy Lee Jones is sitting on the back of a truck talking to me about the American Dream. AMURRCA.
- Jamie Foxx and Kerry Washington stating the fucking truth about short films.
- Tommy Lee Jones looks bored.
- That music they're playing for Innocente. I RECOGNIZE IT. SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT IT IS.
- I heard what you did there, playing a Schindler's List cue for Liam Neeson.
- I can't help but see Daniel Day-Lewis as Abraham Lincoln and look for my Papa Lincoln's face in his. The amazing thing is? I can actually see it, a little.
- What the hell was that weird fast zoom-in on Ben Affleck?
- ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME THE JAWS THEME AGAIN? I mean I get that the show is supposed to be celebrating music in film and that's a damn iconic snippet of music from a film, but Jesus Christ using it to chase Oscar winners off the stage is tacky as shit.
- Wow, Jennifer Garner and Jessica Chastain were walking in step almost all the way to the microphone. /marching band nerd
- Can't decide if Salma Hayek was overcome or bored as hell.
- They are actually acknowledging the orchestra. I CAN'T. /concert band nerd
- This musicals tribute pleases me. Even if I'm not invested at all in any of the musicals being featured. (Les Miserables I would only go to see if someone I REALLY FUCKING LIKED was in the cast.)
- Jennifer Hudson gets a standing ovation for her performance. Which she fucking deserved.
- COME TO ME HUGH JACKMAN
- ...wait, he's singing the new song? Fuck that noise.
- No, Enjolras, your entrance needs to be more powerful than that. (ANTHONY WARLOW ANTHONY WARLOW ANTHONY WARLOW)
- Underwhelmed by One Day More. I'll take the 10th Anniversary Concert cast, thanks. (Plus Anthony. 10th Anniversary Enjolras can sit down.)
- CAPTAIN FINE ugh my body is so beyond ready for Star Trek Into Darkness.
- OH MY GOD THEY'RE USING MUSIC FROM CONTACT FOR THIS SEGMENT LET ME DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE
- Poor Mark Wahlberg. Co-presenting with an animated bear and oh, look, he actually is there live!
- Nice Jewish jokes there, yo. (Not.)
- A tie, seriously? Has that happened before? Someone remind me to hit up Google later.
- OMGLOL DUDE GOT THE OSCAR FOR HIS SON there's something in my eye.
- Random-ish Sound of Music joke. For a second I thought there wasn't actually going to be Christopher Plummer. BUT THERE IS AND HE IS FUCKING FLAWLESS AND GRACE AND LET ME LOVE YOU SIR.
- He called Anne "Miss Anne Hathaway". Keeping it classy, sir.
- OMG the Academy president is personally introducing and welcoming the College Experience winners to the stage. FUCKING RESPECT. I AM SO PLEASED FOR YOU GUYS. (And then Seth MacFarlane has to come back and make a really lame joke. Ugh.)
- I have no strong feelings about Skyfall the song, except that I sort of like the old-timey smooth vibe it has, as well as the way the Bond theme was worked into it.
- YAY MY FRIEND IDENTIFIED THE MUSICAL CUE PLAYED FOR INNOCENTE THAT WAS BUGGING THE SHIT OUT OF ME. It's part of Alan Silvestri's theme for Forrest Gump. Music directors be loving them some Silvestri tonight, apparently.
- Ten bucks says all the Captain Swan shippers are going to take Hook's appearances in the various ABC commercials as a ~sign. -_-
- YAY DANRAD YOU'RE BACK I'M GLAD YOU WEREN'T JUST THERE FOR THAT SOFTSHOE AT THE BEGINNING. The bodice on Kristen Stewart's dress looks like it's peeling away from her chest, though.
- I'm looking forward to reading all the blogs tomorrow tearing Seth MacFarlane's hosting job to atomic shreds.
- NO OH MY GOD THE JURASSIC PARK THEME I'M GOING TO FUCKING CRY
- AW HALE NO NOT THE IN MEMORIAM TRIBUTE
- ERNEST BORGNINE. RALPH MCQUARRIE. MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN. Whoa Herbert Lom.
- SURPRISE BARBRA STREISAND.
- The set looks like the underground lair in The Phantom of the Opera. Me fucking gusta.
- I wish I had some investment in the Best Score category but I rarely recognize the names being nominated anymore. Also, Thomas Newman, James Bond composer? How about no. Didn't David Arnold do a few of them? Bring him back.
- Scarlett Johansson sounds weirdly like Adele as a singer?
- Adele hands it over to the other songwriter because she fucking lost the ability to can. I KNOW THOSE FEELS, GURL. I mean I don't because I've never won an Oscar but I know all about losing the ability to can.
- OMFGLMAO CHARLIZE THERON COMING OUT WITH HER ARM SLUNG AROUND DUSTIN HOFFMAN LIKE THAT. He is so tiny next to her.
- The Best Adapted Screenplay winner's thanks to Ben Affleck. Something got stuck in my eye.
- Oh lord, Tarantino. This may be a hot mess.
- OH MY GOD JAMIE FOXX'S FACE, HE MUST HAVE BEEN THINKING THAT TARANTINO WAS THANKING HIMSELF
- OR MAYBE HE *WAS* THANKING HIMSELF AND THREW IN PROPS TO THE ACTORS ON TOP OF THANKING HIMSELF
- Michael Douglas I fucking love you.
- "Thank you, movie god." Ang Lee prays to the right deity.
- I think I just fell in love with Jean Dujardin. Probably a year after everyone else did.
- GET IT QUVENZHANE
- HI LIEV
- HOLY FUCKING SHIT SERIOUSLY OH MY GOD SHE TRIPPED ON THE WAY UP THE STAIRS AND WAS GONNA JUST LIE THERE LIKE "I'M OKAY GO ON WITHOUT ME" AND WAS THAT CLOONEY OR BRADLEY RUNNING TO HELP HER OMGGGGGG THE CUTE GEEKY COLLEGE STUDENT GUY GOT TO PRESENT HER AWARD TO HER FUCKING SHIT I CAN'T
- HELEN MIRREN IS MY HBIC ONLY SURPASSED BY SIGOURNEY WEAVER HAY GURL HAY
- ... oh my god I said Meryl Streep was Helen Mirren. This is what Jennifer Lawrence winning has reduced me to.
- Daniel Day-Lewis fucking slaying it with his speech. (And no one was surprised that he won, by the way.)
- SURPRISE PLOT TWIST: MICHELLE OBAMA CO-PRESENTS BEST FILM LIVE FROM THE WHITE HOUSE?! WHILST LOOKING FUCKING FINE AND ACCOMPANIED BY SERVICEMEN AND WOMEN?!
- Also Jack Nicholson always fucking amuses me. At least he swapped his shades for actual glasses.
- Sit the fuck down, Grant Heslov, you ARE sexy.
- Ben Affleck speed-speeches and then completely loses his shit. AS YOU WOULD.
- Clooney says nothing.
- Oh god, here's Kristin Chenowith. Go away.
- Whoa wait what, Joel McNeely composed music for this? /Shadows of the Empire
- The one compliment I will pay Seth MacFarlane is that he's a good singer.
- Okay, I'm done. Peace out, anyone who bothered to read this.