random blow-by-blow: the 2014 oscars
I'm a little mortified that my last post was on last year's Oscars. Oh well. I've made another resolution to get back into the swing of things I loved doing before my life slid into the realm of suck, and one of those things is writing journal entries. (Damn you, Tumblr, and your reblog function. Instant blog content with no work whatsoever. I'm such a sloth.)
On the red carpet:
- Earlier Jason was wondering if he would be allowed to go to the Oscars in a shirt and jeans. Well, Jimmy Kimmel just showed up in exactly that. I'd call that a big yes.
- Did Will Smith just shriek happily at the cameraman on the dais with Robin Roberts and say he worked on Fresh Prince? I sense warm fuzzies coming on.
The actual telecast:
- This is not going to conclude in an hour and a half.
- I'm sure there will be butch jokes made about Ellen DeGeneres wearing a suit to host the Oscars, but let's be real, she's probably more comfortable than 99% of the women in attendance.
- I could look at Lupita Nyongo all day.
- Was the chick sitting behind Emma Watson texting on her phone or something?
- Not sure how I feel about Ellen's opening monologue. I think I was already tensed to cringe and feel uneasy about it, and I don't know why? (She just said "you're all racists" if 12 Years A Slave doesn't win, so. Maybe the pre-cringe was justified.)
- Anne Hathaway is wearing a very sparkly piece of chest armor.
- I still don't like Fassbender. Which is a shame because he's not a bad actor.
- Jared Leto acting again. (AND WINNING AN OSCAR?!) Is this middle school?
- I wonder how the internet is gonna handle his political statement du jour.
- Really liking all the navy blue tuxedos the men are rocking tonight.
- Holy shit Jim Carrey's impression of Bruce Dern actually looked like Bruce Dern. I had a flashback to "The 'Burbs".
- Kerry Washington looks FUCKING FABULOUS.
- Pharrell what are those shoes you're wearing
- I have to say. A happy, cheerful song nominated for Best Song. Kinda refreshing. They're usually depressing as shit because DRAMA SELLS.
- I LOVE YOU SAMUEL L. JACKSON
- How the hell did a Jackass movie get an Oscar nomination? (Even if it was for Makeup and Hairstyling?)
- HI HARRISON FORD HI
- CUMBERBATCH SHOT
- Channing Tatum just walked out to music from 'Star Trek: First Contact'. Alrighty then.
- LOL Benedict is sitting in front of John Travolta.
- Is Kim Novak all... there? Because not sure why Matthew McConaughey felt the need to speak over her. Seriously, guise, you're not going to make an hour and a half.
- I was hoping Frozen wouldn't win Best Animated Feature just so I could watch about 75% of my Facebook and Tumblr feeds collectively die in flames. I am a horrible person.
- Sally Field looks beautiful.
- Is there a point to these montages they're showing that have nothing to do with the awards? Because I bet they could make a significant dent in the awards' running time if they cut them.
- SIDNEY POITIER IN THE AUDIENCE
- Emma Watson sounds petrified.
- Joseph Gordon-Levitt you are so cute. HAHA WHAT IS HE LAUGHING ABOUT IN THE BACKGROUND WHILE THE DUDE IS GIVING THE ACCEPTANCE SPEECH
- Zefron what
- Haha he fucked up
- See this is what I mean about Best Song nominees. I guess it's nice, but I also find it boring as fuck. Sorry not sorry.
- My Twitter feed is busy shipping Emma and JGL. Jason just jumped on the bandwagon without even being aware that it's a thing currently taking place on social media.
- Am I the only person who thinks Jason Sudeikis looks a bit much like Ben Affleck?
- LOL Martin Freeman in one of the Best Live Action Short nominees?
- Dammit, Forrest Gump film score music.
- I don't know who this lady is breaking it down during the acceptance speech for 20 Feet From Stardom but DAYUMN GURL BRING IT
- Did Kevin Spacey just make a House of Cards joke riffing off the previously mentioned singing? (More navy blue tuxedo-ing from him.)
- Steve Martin got an honorary Oscar? Along with Angela Lansbury? CLASSY AS ~FUQ CANNOT ARGUE WITH
- Just had to be told that the music they played going into a commercial break was from Harry Potter. I AM TURNING IN MY FILM SCORE FAN CARD IMMEDIATELY.
- Ewan McGregor why is your hair so long. No me likey.
- Hi Mads Mikkelsen in the Foreign Film nominee from Denmark
- lmao what Tyler Perry
- Ellen comes out in a white suit. I liked the other one better.
- U2 performiiiiiiiiing. Bono hit a few notes that I can't decide whether they were questionable or not.
- I feel like I should be critical of Ellen taking up telecast time to take selfies but sorry, that shit was glorious. I will be retweeting the shit out of those photos.
- Shit Chris Hemsworth actual god on earth? Paired with Charlize Theron that is way too much pretty on stage at one time.
- Okay seriously everyone is fucking up their speeches onstage tonight. What is up?
- Ellen's selfie tweets appear to have broken Twitter.
- FUCKED UP ON AN ANNOUNCEMENT *AGAIN*
- AWWWWWW YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH LUPITA WINS BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS ACTUAL GODDESS WALKING AMONG US
- Benedict is sitting next to Angelina why am I giggling also I think he's about to cry omg
- ...I keep forgetting Brad Pitt was in 12 Years A Slave and also co-produced it?
- Brad is now handing out paper plates and there's a pizza delivery guy. Jared Leto gave his slice to his mom. Harrison Ford is like WHAT IS MY LIFE I can't stop fucking laughing sorry not sorry this shit gives me life Tumblr is going to be glorious
- Bill Murray threw in a tribute to Harold Ramis while presenting the Best Cinematography award. I fucking lost my shit. GOODBYE FRIENDS I AM DONE THE SHOW IS OVER.
- Trying to recover enough to appreciate how fantastic Gabourey Sidibe looks.
- Whoopi Goldberg introduces Judy Garland's kids and tells the audience to show some fucking respect.
- Haters gonna hate. I fucking love P!nk. I'm not sure this Wizard of Oz tribute was strictly necessary, though? (And this is why the show always runs so long. Because unnecessary shit?)
- Oh my god Benedict is presenting. Goodbye, Tumblr.
- I am now a hypocrite. Me gusta this montage celebrating heroes presented by Chris Evans.
- My hypocrisy got validated by my queen, ELLEN MOTHERFUCKING RIPLEY, appearing in said heroes montage. Also Independence Day. But mostly Ripley.
- Does "multiple Oscar nominee" mean Glenn Close has never won? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE.
- Oh fuck is this the In Memoriam montage.
- Harold Ramis appears, I legitimately start crying. Bette Midler comes out to sing Wind Beneath My Wings? FUCK. YOU. ACADEMY.
- Sarah Jones didn't make it into the montage, but they added a footnote to the screen with her name and an invite to view the entire gallery online. That was more than I expected the Oscars people to do and I'm so pleased for Sarah's family and friends and colleagues.
- Okay I think Ellen may be intentionally flubbing lines now.
- What the hell did John Travolta just call Idina Menzel?
- Jamie Foxx makes the most hilarious intro speech for Best Film Score ever.
- John Williams gets his obligatory nomination for the year. I do wish he'd actually win sometimes, though. (He didn't. Glad to see a first-timer get it, though.)
- Still over Frozen but what a fun acceptance speech for Best Song.
- Turns out I know someone who knows the Lopezes. That was a little weird, seeing their clickable names on Facebook.
- I didn't know Spike Jonze was white. I blame Spike Lee.
- Sidney Poitier gets a standing ovation. AS HE WELL FUCKING SHOULD.
- He's quite obviously reading from the teleprompter, though. I'm not sure whether to cringe or allow the man his failings because SIDNEY POITIER.
- Alfonso Cuaron will probably get hate for winning Best Director because he's not Steve McQueen, but I'm enormously glad he won. I've known he had something special ever since I was old enough to appreciate just how fucking magical his remake of A Little Princess is.
- Was not expecting Cate Blanchett to win. Thought Sandra Bullock had Best Actress on lockdown, but I ain't complaining. I love Cate, she's lovely, and she just gave a bitchin' acceptance speech fangirling her fellow nominees and announcing that women-centric films ARE NOT NICHE.
- WILL LEONARDO FINALLY WIN
- NO HE WILL NOT WIN THE MEME LIVES ON
- Matthew McConaughey's acceptance speech appears to be a conversation with the audience.
- THANK HOT GAY RAPTOR JESUS WILL SMITH WAS NOT BROUGHT OUT TO PRESENT BEST FILM TO A MOVIE OTHER THAN 12 YEARS A SLAVE
- Benedict Cumberbatch is on stage along with everyone else. This is interesting.
- Okay the show is over. Thank you for reading.
On the red carpet:
- Earlier Jason was wondering if he would be allowed to go to the Oscars in a shirt and jeans. Well, Jimmy Kimmel just showed up in exactly that. I'd call that a big yes.
- Did Will Smith just shriek happily at the cameraman on the dais with Robin Roberts and say he worked on Fresh Prince? I sense warm fuzzies coming on.
The actual telecast:
- This is not going to conclude in an hour and a half.
- I'm sure there will be butch jokes made about Ellen DeGeneres wearing a suit to host the Oscars, but let's be real, she's probably more comfortable than 99% of the women in attendance.
- I could look at Lupita Nyongo all day.
- Was the chick sitting behind Emma Watson texting on her phone or something?
- Not sure how I feel about Ellen's opening monologue. I think I was already tensed to cringe and feel uneasy about it, and I don't know why? (She just said "you're all racists" if 12 Years A Slave doesn't win, so. Maybe the pre-cringe was justified.)
- Anne Hathaway is wearing a very sparkly piece of chest armor.
- I still don't like Fassbender. Which is a shame because he's not a bad actor.
- Jared Leto acting again. (AND WINNING AN OSCAR?!) Is this middle school?
- I wonder how the internet is gonna handle his political statement du jour.
- Really liking all the navy blue tuxedos the men are rocking tonight.
- Holy shit Jim Carrey's impression of Bruce Dern actually looked like Bruce Dern. I had a flashback to "The 'Burbs".
- Kerry Washington looks FUCKING FABULOUS.
- Pharrell what are those shoes you're wearing
- I have to say. A happy, cheerful song nominated for Best Song. Kinda refreshing. They're usually depressing as shit because DRAMA SELLS.
- I LOVE YOU SAMUEL L. JACKSON
- How the hell did a Jackass movie get an Oscar nomination? (Even if it was for Makeup and Hairstyling?)
- HI HARRISON FORD HI
- CUMBERBATCH SHOT
- Channing Tatum just walked out to music from 'Star Trek: First Contact'. Alrighty then.
- LOL Benedict is sitting in front of John Travolta.
- Is Kim Novak all... there? Because not sure why Matthew McConaughey felt the need to speak over her. Seriously, guise, you're not going to make an hour and a half.
- I was hoping Frozen wouldn't win Best Animated Feature just so I could watch about 75% of my Facebook and Tumblr feeds collectively die in flames. I am a horrible person.
- Sally Field looks beautiful.
- Is there a point to these montages they're showing that have nothing to do with the awards? Because I bet they could make a significant dent in the awards' running time if they cut them.
- SIDNEY POITIER IN THE AUDIENCE
- Emma Watson sounds petrified.
- Joseph Gordon-Levitt you are so cute. HAHA WHAT IS HE LAUGHING ABOUT IN THE BACKGROUND WHILE THE DUDE IS GIVING THE ACCEPTANCE SPEECH
- Zefron what
- Haha he fucked up
- See this is what I mean about Best Song nominees. I guess it's nice, but I also find it boring as fuck. Sorry not sorry.
- My Twitter feed is busy shipping Emma and JGL. Jason just jumped on the bandwagon without even being aware that it's a thing currently taking place on social media.
- Am I the only person who thinks Jason Sudeikis looks a bit much like Ben Affleck?
- LOL Martin Freeman in one of the Best Live Action Short nominees?
- Dammit, Forrest Gump film score music.
- I don't know who this lady is breaking it down during the acceptance speech for 20 Feet From Stardom but DAYUMN GURL BRING IT
- Did Kevin Spacey just make a House of Cards joke riffing off the previously mentioned singing? (More navy blue tuxedo-ing from him.)
- Steve Martin got an honorary Oscar? Along with Angela Lansbury? CLASSY AS ~FUQ CANNOT ARGUE WITH
- Just had to be told that the music they played going into a commercial break was from Harry Potter. I AM TURNING IN MY FILM SCORE FAN CARD IMMEDIATELY.
- Ewan McGregor why is your hair so long. No me likey.
- Hi Mads Mikkelsen in the Foreign Film nominee from Denmark
- lmao what Tyler Perry
- Ellen comes out in a white suit. I liked the other one better.
- U2 performiiiiiiiiing. Bono hit a few notes that I can't decide whether they were questionable or not.
- I feel like I should be critical of Ellen taking up telecast time to take selfies but sorry, that shit was glorious. I will be retweeting the shit out of those photos.
- Shit Chris Hemsworth actual god on earth? Paired with Charlize Theron that is way too much pretty on stage at one time.
- Okay seriously everyone is fucking up their speeches onstage tonight. What is up?
- Ellen's selfie tweets appear to have broken Twitter.
- FUCKED UP ON AN ANNOUNCEMENT *AGAIN*
- AWWWWWW YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH LUPITA WINS BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS ACTUAL GODDESS WALKING AMONG US
- Benedict is sitting next to Angelina why am I giggling also I think he's about to cry omg
- ...I keep forgetting Brad Pitt was in 12 Years A Slave and also co-produced it?
- Brad is now handing out paper plates and there's a pizza delivery guy. Jared Leto gave his slice to his mom. Harrison Ford is like WHAT IS MY LIFE I can't stop fucking laughing sorry not sorry this shit gives me life Tumblr is going to be glorious
- Bill Murray threw in a tribute to Harold Ramis while presenting the Best Cinematography award. I fucking lost my shit. GOODBYE FRIENDS I AM DONE THE SHOW IS OVER.
- Trying to recover enough to appreciate how fantastic Gabourey Sidibe looks.
- Whoopi Goldberg introduces Judy Garland's kids and tells the audience to show some fucking respect.
- Haters gonna hate. I fucking love P!nk. I'm not sure this Wizard of Oz tribute was strictly necessary, though? (And this is why the show always runs so long. Because unnecessary shit?)
- Oh my god Benedict is presenting. Goodbye, Tumblr.
- I am now a hypocrite. Me gusta this montage celebrating heroes presented by Chris Evans.
- My hypocrisy got validated by my queen, ELLEN MOTHERFUCKING RIPLEY, appearing in said heroes montage. Also Independence Day. But mostly Ripley.
- Does "multiple Oscar nominee" mean Glenn Close has never won? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE.
- Oh fuck is this the In Memoriam montage.
- Harold Ramis appears, I legitimately start crying. Bette Midler comes out to sing Wind Beneath My Wings? FUCK. YOU. ACADEMY.
- Sarah Jones didn't make it into the montage, but they added a footnote to the screen with her name and an invite to view the entire gallery online. That was more than I expected the Oscars people to do and I'm so pleased for Sarah's family and friends and colleagues.
- Okay I think Ellen may be intentionally flubbing lines now.
- What the hell did John Travolta just call Idina Menzel?
- Jamie Foxx makes the most hilarious intro speech for Best Film Score ever.
- John Williams gets his obligatory nomination for the year. I do wish he'd actually win sometimes, though. (He didn't. Glad to see a first-timer get it, though.)
- Still over Frozen but what a fun acceptance speech for Best Song.
- Turns out I know someone who knows the Lopezes. That was a little weird, seeing their clickable names on Facebook.
- I didn't know Spike Jonze was white. I blame Spike Lee.
- Sidney Poitier gets a standing ovation. AS HE WELL FUCKING SHOULD.
- He's quite obviously reading from the teleprompter, though. I'm not sure whether to cringe or allow the man his failings because SIDNEY POITIER.
- Alfonso Cuaron will probably get hate for winning Best Director because he's not Steve McQueen, but I'm enormously glad he won. I've known he had something special ever since I was old enough to appreciate just how fucking magical his remake of A Little Princess is.
- Was not expecting Cate Blanchett to win. Thought Sandra Bullock had Best Actress on lockdown, but I ain't complaining. I love Cate, she's lovely, and she just gave a bitchin' acceptance speech fangirling her fellow nominees and announcing that women-centric films ARE NOT NICHE.
- WILL LEONARDO FINALLY WIN
- NO HE WILL NOT WIN THE MEME LIVES ON
- Matthew McConaughey's acceptance speech appears to be a conversation with the audience.
- THANK HOT GAY RAPTOR JESUS WILL SMITH WAS NOT BROUGHT OUT TO PRESENT BEST FILM TO A MOVIE OTHER THAN 12 YEARS A SLAVE
- Benedict Cumberbatch is on stage along with everyone else. This is interesting.
- Okay the show is over. Thank you for reading.