FIC: Please Just Take This Cold Cup of Coffee From My Hands (James/Lily, PG, 1/1)
Please Just Take This Cold Cup of Coffee From My Hands
Pairing: James/Lily
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling. The title is derived from Snow Patrol's Please Just Take These Photos From My Hands.
Summary: This is a story about two people who bonded over coffee, became friends, broke each other's hearts and tried to deal with the aftermath. Written for the Stag and Doe Comment Ficathon.
A/N: I'd just like to point out that I am not a coffee fan, so it was quite interesting to write about coffee. Taken from firstbreaths ' prompt:
The rain poured against the tower’s windows and Lily perched herself on the sill of one of them. She stared out of the window, pretending to gaze into the darkness, when really all she saw was raindrops against the glass and her own sad, miserable reflection staring back at her.
The Common Room was mostly empty; other students were spending their evening in the library and the Gryffindor Team were out practising for their next Quidditch match. The few that remained were lazily playing chess or talking quietly amongst themselves. Frank Longbottom was fast asleep in one of the armchairs in front of the fireplace. The sight of him snoring with his mouth wide open caused her to smile, but only just.
Wrapped in a blanket, she held a cooling mug of coffee in her hands and looked down at the book by her knees. Words danced up at her, but she didn’t understand a single one.
Minutes passed by and her coffee vanished. Her mug had been cast aside and her hands were wrapped firmly around her blanket. The portrait hole flew open and the Gryffindor team came in. James Potter was the last to emerge and Lily tried not to look at him but she did. He had his Quidditch gear still on, he was muddy, rugged and utterly compelling, but she told herself he wasn’t.
Students who weren’t in the room before come flooding in, inundating the team with questions of how their practise went - as if it mattered. A beautiful blonde student sidled up to James and aghast, Lily watched as he openly let the girl kiss him in greeting. Lily’s cheeks burned, but she denied that it was from outrage or from jealousy. She told herself that it didn’t matter, just like she had told him that he hadn’t mattered.
With the return of the team, the Common Room came to life. Frank was suddenly awake, his girlfriend perching on the arm of his chair. The chess players had ceased playing to talk about Quidditch and those that had been chatting quietly, were now talking animatedly and loudly. It had just been a Quidditch practise, but from the din anyone would think Gryffindor had just won a match.
From the window ledge Lily watched it all; her gaze darting back to James. Surrounded by his friends and new girlfriend, he seemed ecstatic, in his element - not alone. Not once had he lifted his head to look out for her; not once had he realised they were in the same room. For the time, she was truly and utterly invisible to James Potter - and it hurt.
She brought a hand to her mouth, trying to suppress a sob. She could still taste the coffee she had drunk and it was bitter on her lips.
+++
Butterbeer latte was not coffee, but it was certainly a good substitute. Lily brought the cup to her lips and savoured the sweet taste.
A few seats down from where she sat at the dining table, James watched her. She didn’t see the hesitation on his face, nor did she see him get up and move so that he was next to her.
“What are you drinking?”
His presence caught her by surprise and her mug dropped. Instantly, he suspended it in the air with his wand. She can’t bear to look at him right then, but she reached out for the mug and placed it on the table.
Eyes cast firmly downwards, she whispered, “Thank you,” and if her voice was uncharacteristically quiet, he didn’t say a thing.
He smiled at her, as though she hadn’t rejected his advances with such ferocity that he hadn’t spoken to her in weeks. She could see his smile from the corner of her eyes and she looked up at him in surprise. Was James smiling at her, despite everything?
Not wanting him to leave, she smiled at him back, as though everything between them was fine and she hadn’t realised how much she liked him until it was too late.
“You haven’t answered my question,” he informed her.
She looked at him in confusion. “What question?” She picked up her mug again and brought it to her lips - anything to dispel her sudden nervousness.
“What are you drinking?”
She relaxed, but only a little. Currently, every simple question from him seemed loaded, as though he was judging each of her answers.
“Oh. Butterbeer latte.”
“What happened to coffee?”
“I’ve given it up.”
James snorted. “Impossible.”
She shrugged. “It wasn’t agreeing with me.” It reminded me too much of you.
“And this ‘butterbeer latte’ is supposed to be better?”
“No. It’s just... nice. Lighter than butterbeer and sweeter than coffee. It doesn’t make me as agitated, either.”
He seemed sceptical, and took the mug right out of her hands. Astonished, Lily watched as he drank from her cup, his eyes never leaving hers. When he finished, he handed her back her latte.
“It tastes like something a child would drink,” he informed her.
Offended, Lily was about to reply when she saw James’ girlfriend enter the hall.
“Your girlfriend is here,” she said instead and watched as James jumped to his feet.
“Stick to coffee,” he whispered to her as he left. She felt a tugging of her ponytail and she tried to stop her face from crumpling.
+++
James was the one who introduced her to coffee.
She had hated it, but he had changed her mind.
Sixth Year brought a change in James. He became less reckless, less arrogant and more mature. Lily found herself able tolerate him a little bit more.
Though he still had an annoying habit of constantly asking her out, early mornings deprived him of that trait. Lily was always up early studying, but James only started doing so in Fifth Year and in Sixth Year, they even studied in the same room, the common room study area. For weeks the two of them had barely spoken - it had taken her at least a month before she cared to say hello to him. The two of them would study in silence: her with her pile of books and him with his mug of coffee, parchment and quill.
The aroma of coffee had got to her one day. She had found it too strong and overpowering, and demanded why he felt the need to drink it every morning.
He had told her it made him more alert and was the only thing keeping him awake so early in the morning. She had scoffed at him and slightly offended, he had insisted she tried it. She had expected to hate the drink. But Lily had taken a sip, found it bitter, but full of flavour and it made her feel different, alive almost. James had laughed at the enticed expression on her face. The next day, he had brought in two mugs of coffee: one for him and another for her. And every day after that, he had done the same thing.
Coffee together in the morning brought them closer. They’d chat to each other before studying and then again in between taking breaks. He stopped asking her out after a while and treated her with respect; she supposed he was her friend, even though it felt strange to say it aloud.
James’ coffee habit was infectious and she found herself drinking the beverage with alarming ferocity. Wizards’ coffee was far superior to its Muggle counterpart and more addictive too. She had it in the mornings with her breakfast and again when the two of them studied. She needed it in between stressful lessons, and after lunch and dinner. In the evenings, she abandoned studying (preferring mornings), and she would snuggle on the ledge of the big window in the corner, with a coffee in her hand as she read a book or talked to friends. Sometimes, James would come and keep her company.
But then one day he had to go and ruin it all. He had to wreck a perfect morning by admitting his feelings to her. She had been astounded and a little repulsed. How could he? How could he ruin their friendship when it was still in its delicate stages? How could he spring this on her when it was what she least expected? How could he tell her that he liked her when they had been friends, and she thought he was past teasing her? How could he tell her something like that when she was already confused about the two of them and what he meant to her?
She had reacted without thinking. She had dismissed his feelings for her. She told him he was being unreasonable. She told him he couldn’t possibly mean that and even if he did, she couldn’t feel that way about him. She could be friends with him, but to love him? It was insane! How could she possibly love someone like him, a bully (no matter how reformed) who had made it his existence to torment her former best friend?
James had looked utterly broken. He had told her he had changed. He didn’t care about tormenting Snape anymore and had even saved his life. She wasn’t sure if she believed him. He told her his feelings for her were genuine; they always had been. And he said he didn’t want to wait any longer for her to change her mind because the wait was tormenting him.
It all seemed unreal. She needed time to think about it- an hour, or a day or a year. But James wanted an answer now.
She told him honestly that he was her friend and she didn’t think she could love him as anything more than that.
Defeated, his shoulders slumped and he walked out, leaving her alone in their special study area, with two cold coffees and a widening chasm between them.
+++
In the time after, he had avoided her and no longer came to study in the mornings. He rebuffed her when she tried to approach him and pretended he couldn’t hear her questions. It hurt more than she let on, but she knew that she had hurt him and she eventually learnt to give him space, thinking he would come around. But James didn’t.
Around about that time, Lily began to realise how much James had meant to her. Funny how absence did that to a person. Her heart skipped a beat every time he walked into the same room as her (even though he avoided eye contact), her breath would hitch when she heard him speak and every time he wore his Quidditch gear, a blush would stain her cheeks at the sight of him. She would stare at him too long and listen to everything he said (despite it not being said to her). She would study every morning, wishing he would join her and would stay an extra few minutes, just in case he did.
Just when she thought that she could muster up the courage to explain her new feelings, she found out that James had a new girlfriend. His new girlfriend was beautiful; she was stunning, tall and laughed at all his jokes. She didn’t seem to be the type to let James down and she didn’t seem afraid to admit her feelings for him.
The first time Lily saw them together, she was wrapped up in a blanket on the windowsill and James had just finished Quidditch practise. His girlfriend had gone up to greet him and he had kissed her passionately, as though Lily Evans had been nothing more than a passing fancy to him.
Her heart had broken for the hundredth time, and it was then that she had finally been able to walk in James’ shoes and understand what it must have been like for him to love another person without a chance of them loving you back. And it hurt, it hurt so much.
The coffee she had drunk had been her last and she vowed to give the beverage up. It didn’t taste the same when James didn’t make it, and even so, it reminded her too much of him for her to ever enjoy it again.
+++
After the butterbeer latte incident, Lily began to wonder if James knew how she felt about him. She’d catch him looking at her when he wasn’t supposed to, and he would smile at her and even manage cordial conversations. The thought that maybe he knew how she felt about him and was simply humouring her tormented her.
Still, they managed to finish the rest of the school year being overly polite to each other. James stayed with his girlfriend, Lily remained alone; tea became her beverage of choice and life carried on.
+++
The summer holidays passed slowly for Lily. She kept in touch with her friends, but did nothing remotely eventful.
Fed up with her mundane pattern, she decided to travel to Diagon Alley. She missed the Wizarding World and wished to immerse herself into everything her home life wasn’t.
Lily took her time exploring Diagon Alley. She went to the ice cream parlour and sat outside with her high-stacked ice cream, watching the passersby. She meandered in Flourish and Blotts and picked out a few books that sounded like good reads. She stocked up on stationery at Scribbulus Writing Instruments and explored all the outdoor stalls. At one of them, she found an array of coffee being sold and after a few moments of dithering, she picked out a bag of exotic coffee beans.
When she finally returned home, she sat on her bed and stared at the packet.
James would love this, she thought. James always preferred the more aromatic, exotic-tasting coffee; Lily couldn’t really tell the difference.
A pang hit her and she realised how empty everything seemed without him. But she was sick of wallowing and decided to finally do something about it.
Digging under her bed, she found a spare bit of parchment and getting her quill from her bedside table, she begun to write.
I miss you, her letter said. It was short and to the point, contained nothing else other than the attached bag of coffee and her familiar, squiggly hand-writing.
She gave it to her owl and watched as he flew off.
And then she waited, hoping and praying he would write back.
+++
A week later, she got a reply. Her nerves were frayed from spending days waiting for his response, and when she opened the letter, she was expecting nothing but his dismissal.
What she got was an apology for his late reply (he had been holidaying abroad) and a long letter asking how she was and telling her all about his holiday.
Lily read the letter fifteen times before composing a longer reply of her own.
And just like that, the two of them rekindled their friendship. To Lily, it was the best thing she could have asked for.
+++
On the train ride back to Hogwarts, Lily tried to locate James but to no avail. She figured that he was spending time with his fellow Marauders before starting Head Boy proceedings, and she gave up after a while. She would see him later.
The first day of term hadn’t started off auspiciously. It had rained furiously and the force of the wind had caused the train’s windows to shake. Lily didn’t mind though; she knew this year would go well. She was friends again with James and the two of them had made Head Boy and Head Girl respectively. She had her friend back and they would be spending a lot of time together - that was all that mattered to her.
On her way through the train, she heard all sorts of rumours including that James’ girlfriend had broken up with him, though she wasn’t sure it was true and didn’t let herself get her hopes up. Just because James might not have been with his girlfriend, didn’t mean he still had strong feelings for Lily. Feelings changed after all.
Finding her way to the Prefects’ carriage, Lily found a few of the prefects already there and was surprised to see James already seated.
“Alright, Lily?” he greeted and smiled at her. He looked genuinely happy and without a trace of heartbreak on his features. If his girlfriend had indeed broken up with him, he wasn’t exactly devastated.
Lily went to sit next to him. “Hi,” she said to him, unable to stop the grin spreading on her face. James looked dashing. He was already dressed in his school robes, with his Head Boy badge placed haphazardly but proudly on his jumper.“Head Boy suits you,” she mused. “Although I never pegged you for the authoritative type.”
He snorted. “And you think I did?”
She shrugged. The two of them chatted for a little while before starting their first meeting. Working together with him again, being in sync with him and being at an understanding with him felt wonderful and she relished every moment of it.
+++
The rain pounded against the window and woke Lily up.
With a groan, she found her watch and looked at the time. Instantly she swore when she realised she was going to be late for her first meeting with James, and hurried to get dressed and meet him.
Running along the corridors, she raced to the Head Study, burst through the door and found James pouring out two cups of coffee.
He looked up when he saw her enter and her eyes widened at the sight in front of her. How long had it been since they had shared this? How much had she missed it?
“Alright, Lily?” came James’ usual greeting. “You haven’t still given up coffee, have you?”
Wordlessly, she shook her head. She had given up coffee, but she thought today might be a good day to give up giving it up.
“Good.” He pushed a cup towards her and Lily sat down in her seat and took it.
“It’s from the coffee you sent me,” he informed her. “I really like it.”
“You do?” he hadn’t told her what he thought of it when they had corresponded, but she was glad to hear of it now.
“Yeah, it’s brilliant. Go on. Try it.”
She brought the cup to her lips, fully aware that James was watching her intently. She sipped the coffee and her taste buds were overcome by it. She hadn’t missed coffee until that very moment and suddenly she found she couldn’t get enough of it. This was better than any coffee she had ever tried: it wasn’t as bitter, it was rich and full of flavour, it was more aromatic and had delicious caramel undertones.
A moan escaped her lips and James laughed.
“Enjoying it?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.
She nodded. “I’ve missed having coffee with you,” she confessed.
James didn’t say anything and for a moment, she was afraid she had offended him somehow. But he looked at her with an emotion she couldn’t quite fathom and said, “Me too.”
And Lily couldn’t wipe the smile from her face.
The two of them begun discussing Head duties, pausing every so often to look at each other and smile. Lily honestly didn’t know what would happen between them. Maybe they would be friends for life (and she would be okay with that, she really would) or maybe she truly would find the courage to admit her feelings to him and she’d find out he still felt the same. Whatever happened, Lily was optimistic.
The rain continued to pour outside and their coffees remained in their hands. It was far too early and Lily was hardly looking presentable. But she loved these kind of mornings the best.