FIC: She Dreams With an Open Heart (Arthur/Gwen, PG) 13iii/13iii
She Dreams With an Open Heart- Part Thirteen iii
Prologue/ Part One/ Part Two/ Part Three / Part Four / Part Five/ Part Six/ Part Seven/ Part Eight/ Part Nine/ Part Ten/ Part Eleven/Part Twelve i/ Twelve ii/Thirteen i/ Thirteen ii/ Thirteen iii
Part ii here
Arthur looks like he has seen a ghost and honestly she doesn’t blame him. If the situation wasn’t so serious, she’d laugh at the expression on his face. As it is, his expression only pains her.
She had arrived back in Camelot on horse. She’d managed the trip by herself without any problems and later it would be something she’d marvel at. But for now, she had more pressing matters to focus on.
The sight of Camelot shocked her. Merlin had been right: Camelot really was hell on Earth. She’d sought out Merlin and Morgana instantly and they had both been surprised and happy to see her. They had told her where to find Arthur and she had come to the castle’s ruins to see him.
The sight of him sitting at the table, amid the rubble and the poor reminder of what this castle had looked like, broke her heart. He had looked completely forlorn and desolate, as though nothing in the world could piece his broken self back together.
His eyes had been closed so he didn’t see her as she approached him; he didn’t hear her either. Not wanting to go up to him and disturb him, she decided to sit in the other chair and wait for him to notice her. It was cold and was starting to rain hard, but the only thing that mattered was the man in front of her.
When Arthur had opens his eyes, his gaze instantly lands on her, but he look at her with coldness in his eyes. At first, she thinks that he doesn’t want to see her, that her rebuffing him had been too much for him to handle and that he had shut himself off to her. It had taken her a moment to realise that Arthur had been looking at her coldly because though he had seen her, he hadn’t actually seen her. The ‘coldness’ had turned to longing and regret and something about that look informs her that he believes he is only imagining her.
That very thought breaks her heart further. He looks like a vulnerable little boy right now and it is hard to reconcile him with that monster she had in her head, the one who torn her world apart and betrayed her. The way she yearns for this boy, the way she wants to make him better and take away his pain makes her realise without a doubt that she had forgiven all his misdeeds and furthermore, that she loves him. Maybe she had never stopped.
At that moment, a maelstrom of emotions crosses Arthur’s face and it’s like he’s realising she’s there. She sees the shock, the confusion and the disbelief, she sees the way he clenches the edge of the table and hangs on for dear life, and she watches as he leans toward her, asking if she’s real.
She smiles and wonders if he realises that she once wondered that very same thing about him. She nods, unable to find the appropriate words to verify that she is real and that most importantly, she’s here.
It takes Arthur a moment to compose himself. “You came back.”
“Yes,” her voice is a few notches above a whisper.
“You’re really here.”
“Yes.”
“I didn’t think I’d ever see you again.”
She shakes her head. “Impossible.”
He looks confused. “Why did you return?”
She doesn’t answer straight away. “Because...because I had to. I couldn’t stay behind while you were all here and you were all suffering. And I-,” she pauses, uncertain how to voice what she really wants to. She casts her gaze downwards. “I forgive you,” she says, looking at her hands.
Arthur doesn’t hear her and asks her to repeat it. Looking up at him she says clearly, “I forgive you. For everything. It took me a long time, but I do. I really do.”
Arthur’s truly shocked now, as though he wasn’t expecting that particular admission. He can’t seem to compile a reply and seems glued to his chair even though Gwen knows he’s desperate to move.
She stands up. His eyes widen.
She walks over. He swallows.
She thinks she sees tears forming in his eyes. Maybe it’s the rain.
She’s closer to him now. He doesn’t seem to believe it.
As she looks at him intensely, she sees glimpses of a man she’d almost forgotten: the one who kissed her in her house and fuelled her passion for him; the one who tried to rescue her from an evil man and was pained when someone beat him to it; the one who saved her life countless times and held her those many instances when she needed comforting; the one who danced drunkenly with her.
It’s almost as though he had repressed that side to him, or perhaps had forgotten it. But as she approaches him, she sees that side come back to life. She sees it in the passion in his eyes. The awe in his face. The incredulity as he struggles to remain upright. It’s as though that side of Arthur had departed the moment Gwen had been made to leave Camelot. Now that she’s back, it is too.
That emotion and intensity, the knowledge that he loves her so strongly weakens her knees and she finds herself falling upon them to the ground. He instantly picks her up by her hands and he stands up in the process.
Backing away his chair, he looks down at her and she’s looking straight up. She’s missed this: his towering height and the sense of protection she gets every time she is near him. His eyes are full of such intense emotion that her own eyes begin to water.
He brushes away a stray tear on her face, lets out a sigh and he looks at her...
He looks at her...
And he’s looking at her...
...like he wants to say a million things to her but can’t voice a single one.
...like he wants to touch her face in a hundred ways but can’t remove his hands from her grasp.
...like he’s never going to move from his spot again just in case she leaves.
And it takes her breath away - that look on his face.
And it makes her heart skip - the thinly veiled passion in his eyes.
And it makes her ache - the guilt that radiates from him and the regret.
Somehow, hand clasping turns into a hug: his strong, firm arms pressing her face to his chest; her arms encircle his waist and she holds on to dear life and he holds her dearly in return...
...because sometimes people love you so strongly that they’d do anything to ensure your safety. And sometimes the decisions they make will be wrong and hurtful and may very well break your heart. But it doesn’t mean you stop loving them. It doesn’t mean you stop caring for them. It means you learn to look pass their mistakes and that you are able to forgive them. Even if you leave them, even if there comes a time when you struggle to look them in the eye...
“You really came back,” he says again, still unable to believe it.
She lifts her head and looks up at him. “Silly boy,” she whispers. “Of course I did.”
...you always come back to them. Because when someone loves you so strongly that they’d do anything to ensure your safety, you love them just as much back and would do anything to keep them going.
He continues to hold her tight, her head drops back into his chest and she’s reluctant to move away. The rain falls and soaks her hair; his tears do too.
+
For the first time in a long time, Arthur is able to breathe without it hurting. He marvels at how a mere week can change a person’s fortune, and his has changed entirely.
It had started with Gwen returning and had avalanched from there. The townspeople, recognising Gwen as their beloved former blacksmith’s daughter who had a strong connection with Arthur, were overjoyed to have her back, having noticed her absence during the war. With her standing next to Arthur, they listened to him more and looked at him with less suspicion. Gwen was the one who visited every single person, talked to them and reassured them that better things were to come- and they believed her.
And that positive attitude seemed to proliferate. Though Arthur still had a long way to go in putting back together his kingdom, it didn’t seem like such a burden anymore. Merlin and Morgana, encouraged by Gwen’s presence, were combining their magic and helping in any way they could: transporting to other kingdoms and procuring food and returning soon after, healing the sick and reconstructing the castle, which Arthur had consented was something that needed to be done. Morgana had yet to reveal herself to the public (the people believing her story of being an acquaintance of Merlin’s from Ealdor), but she would and when she did, the three of them would rally around her and Gwen would be the buffer to the people, the one who would reassure them that Morgana isn’t evil.
Arthur truly knew everything was going to be okay when a few days after Gwen’s return, a group of unexpected but much wanted people turned up in Camelot. There had been panicked exchanges when news of a group of men heading towards the kingdom had spread. Arthur had feared for who they were and had gathered a small group of people just in case they had turned out to be enemies. But when he had gone out to face them, he didn’t come across hostile faces, but long lost friends. A skinnier Leon emerged, alongside a few of his long lost knights. With them, there had been a tall, short-haired, brawny man and a slightly shorter man with a beard and shinier hair to rival Morgana’s. He didn’t recognise them, but Leon had informed him that they had been implicit in defeating Cenred. Leon also told him that they’d been staying in a neighbouring kingdom, having overcome Cenred,but waiting to recuperate. Uncertain about the status of Camelot and Morgause, and having heard that Arthur had been fatefully injured, they had waited until full recovered before attempting to head back to Camelot and claim back their kingdom.
Finding out that not all of his men were dead (and indeed, that he had gained some new ones) and that Cenred had finally, finally been defeated had elated Arthur.
He will never forget what this war had done to him. He will never forget about the actions he was forced to take, be it with regards to Gwen or sending his men to their deaths. He will never forget that this was the war that had claimed his father’s life and forced him to become king sooner than he wanted. He will never forget those he had lost. He will never forget the mental toll it had on not only himself and Merlin, but his people too. This war has left scars and they would turn out to be much deeper than first thought, but this war has changed things- maybe for the better. He has Morgana back. Morgause was defeated and so was Cenred. He has a stronger relationship with Merlin and he knows without a doubt who he can count on. Magic is welcome in his kingdom and no longer seen as the greatest evil. Yes, this had all come at the expense of his people’s lives and his relationship with Gwen. These were both things that he hated, but they were all stronger as a result. Mistakes had occurred, never to be made again, and lessons had been learnt. His kingdom would move on, but they would remember and a war like this would never, ever happen again.
His relationship with Gwen had taught him her true value, in case he hadn’t already known. He’d learnt that without her, he is a ghost of a man. He is never going to take her for granted. He is never going to do anything for her best sake without consulting her first. He is never going to let her come second in any of his priorities.
Although he has yet to achieve the same sort of relationship they’d had before he had sent her to Souhaiter (no awkwardness, no second-guessing and no having to learn each other all over again), and neither has he yet had the heart to sit down and discuss what he did, he knows that sooner or later (when things settle down) they will talk properly and that within time, they’ll get to where they’re meant to be.
+
Gwen breathes in the air and closes her eyes. It seems silly, but the air smells differently in Camelot- and she loves it. It smells like home.
She thought coming home would be strange and awkward, as though she wasn’t meant to be back at all. But being back in Camelot hasn’t been like that. Yes, the sight of Camelot reduced to rubble had shocked her and had filled her with trepidation, but she hadn’t felt unwanted, nor had she been fearful of being here.
Truthfully, it was like she’d never left or that she had left with the purpose of coming back at this precise moment and helping to make a big difference. If someone had said to the Gwen of yesteryear- whose biggest triumph was becoming Morgana’s handmaid- that she would be the one to calm the unsettled hearts of the townspeople, she would never have believed it. But she’d seen their unhappiness and uncertainty and had instinctively known how to quell them.
She had also thought that seeking out Arthur would be difficult and that upon seeing him, there would be doubts about whether she truly wanted to forgive him and be by his side. But she’d known that very moment she’d seen him sitting in his father’s old chair that walking away and leaving him would be impossible.
They had stayed up at the castle for a while. He had held her and they both said nothing. Words would have been superfluous. When the rain started to prove too much, they’d headed back down and Arthur had held her hand firmly, both in support and perhaps just in case she decided to let go. They had found Merlin and Morgana, who had both been keen to properly see Gwen. The three of them then informed Gwen what had been happening in Camelot since their return and Gwen had listened intently.
The next day, Gwen had gone out to see the townspeople, who had been almost ecstatic to see her, having feared the worst when there had been no sight of her in a long while. She knows most of these people a lot better than the King does; she knows them by name and by face, knows their families and what they had all done for a living. So finding out which ones had not made it to this point had upset her dearly and she had vowed to help the ones left behind in any way she could. For the most part, it means listening to them, helping them feel at home in their new houses, helping those who had fallen sick, encouraging them to support Arthur - and just being there for them when they could. Really, it amazes her that these people could be so in awe with her, just because they see her as the ordinary girl who captured the king’s heart. In their eyes, she understands them and she’s kind and a loving woman and they revere her as though she’s magical like Merlin and Morgana.
And that means a lot to Gwen.
Aside from spending time with the people, Gwen likes to watch Merlin and Morgana rebuild the castle. Their work is coming along quite progressively and it amazes her to watch magic be used to piece together the castle.
Now it’s just the finishing touches to be made before the castle is completed. A large crowd has gathered to watch Merlin and a still-incognito Morgana add the turrets to castle, as though these people realise how symbolic a resurrected castle is.
+
Arthur stands alongside Merlin and Morgana as they build the turrets, raising stone by stone in the air and adding them to the roof. Gwen observes in awe behind them, her gaze finding its way to the back of Arthur’s head every so often.
She and Arthur haven’t had a lot of time alone since her return, and even when they do, their conversation is limited to small talk; the prospect of sitting him down and talking about all the serious things they needed to seemed vastly unappealing and unimportant right now. Later there will be that chance but right now, they seem to exist in that indefinable state: a little more than friends but a long way away from being lovers.
Arthur tilts his head up to the sky and her eyes are again drawn to him. He seems relieved watching his castle be pieced back together and a lot less troubled than he had been - and she’s glad of it. Seeing him happy again, knowing he’s okay, knowing that they’re okay means absolutely everything to her. And though their current state of relationship is strange and uncertain and they’re still finding their footing with each other, there’s still the promise of something better: it’s there in those lingering looks he gives her when he doesn’t think she notices, the ones with his underlying love and silent questions about how to win her heart back (as if he has to); it’s in their accidental brushes of each other’s hands that she can almost see morphing into fingers intertwining; it’s hidden in the small words they exchange that beg to be something greater and there in the tingling of her lips that yearn to recall what his lips against her own feels like.
Gwen used to think that any chance of a full reconciliation was downright impossible; now it seems inevitable.
The crowd begins to cheer and clap at their newly completed castle and her clapping is one of the loudest. Arthur turns around to look at her, his face full of wonder, amazement and accomplishment.
She looks back, her gaze holding his and taking in his pleased expression. And she smiles, a smile so big and so expressive and all his.
+
The sound of the crowd cheering and clapping startles Merlin; he had been so wrapped up on working on the castle that he hadn’t realised he had such an extensive audience.
Their cheering sounds like approval. How long have I been waiting for that? he wonders. When Camelot had found out he was a warlock, they were on the cusp of war. There hadn’t been time for the people to get fully angry and when he was still alive, even Uther hadn’t condemned him, for he was too wrapped up in dealing with his angry and powerful ward. But the people had still been suspicious and wary of Merlin’s powers, even up to the point where he’d openly used his magic to fight the likes of Morgause. Now they understand his magic; now they accept him.
It had taken a long time to get to this point and back when nobody but Gaius knew about his magic, he yearned for recognition. Now he couldn’t care less.
War is over, it’s truly over. Cenred is officially dead. Morgause is most certainly dead. Arthur has complete control of Camelot. Morgana is good again. Gwen is here. The castle has been reconstructed. Everything is fine.
Merlin knows that things can only get better from here. This is a new age now, an age where magic can exist and prosper in this kingdom. Magical people do not have to live in fear and non-magical people do not have to fear them. Arthur will preside over the most successful kingdom in Albion and he will be successful because his people respect him as much as he respects them. Gwen will be by his side and will become his queen - Merlin knows this. She will be loved by both Arthur and everyone else; she will be his equal and help him with his duties. She will be powerful, regal and radiant as though she’d been Queen her entire life. But she’ll always be the kind of person who cares so deeply about others that she’d be willing to sacrifice herself for their wellbeing. She’ll always enjoy picking flowers and associating them with people, because to her flowers are beautiful and each have a meaning. That’s how Gwen sees the world: beauty hidden everywhere and meaning in everything.
He turns around to look at her. Gwen instantly sees him looking, smiles warmly and waves.
How dull life would be without her, he thinks. How far away we’d be from today if she wasn’t here to guide us.
He feels something touching his hand and looks up to see Morgana right in front of him. She beams at him and instantly enfolds him in a celebratory hug.
“We make a good team,” she says into his ear and he laughs in agreement.
Rebuilding this castle with Morgana had honestly been the highlight of his life. They’d worked so well together and it saddens him that he hadn’t realised how in sync the two of them were until they’d been through the worst together.
But it’s too late for regrets. They have ‘now’ and they have tomorrow and every day after that. They won’t misunderstand each other anymore. They had yet to talk about it, but he hopes Morgana will stay here in Camelot. Together, the two of them could be Arthur’s magical advisors, protectors or healers- anything is possible. There would be no limitations to what they could do. And if Morgana eventually revealed herself, she would face an upward battle to be accepted, but he’ll be there by her side campaigning on her behalf for acceptance.
He hopes he’ll always have that chance to be by her side. Past mistakes committed and learnt from, he doesn’t ever want to endure the heartbreak of fighting opposite her again.
+
As Morgana hugs Merlin in exhilaration of finishing this castle together, she feels her eyes welling up. But if anyone points it out, she’ll deny it.
It wasn’t long ago that she thought they’d be no chance of ever being amicable with either Merlin or Arthur. To be their allies - to be more than that, to be their friend again seems incredulous to her.
Once upon a time she’d lost Arthur and Merlin and come close to permanently losing Gwen and it had been in this very place they were standing. Morgana had been at breaking point and hovering on the line of no redemption. If Gwen hadn’t been where she had been, there’s no knowing the kind of person Morgana would now be.
It means the world to be here with them now. When she had made the decision to return to Camelot, she always thought that she’d return to Souhaiter if Gwen was still there (though there was part of her that had suspected Gwen would also return home), or leave Camelot for good. She didn’t expect it to feel like home anymore, but it does and for that, she is reluctant to leave.
As she lets go of Merlin, Arthur and Gwen come and join them and all at once they start talking about the castle and its completion and what it means now it’s finished. Morgana doesn’t say anything; she just listens to what they have to say.
Morgana has come clean about her past and what went on when she was at war with Arthur and Merlin, but there’s one secret she hasn’t told them because it’s still too painful to recall and not something she can easily put into words. As she studies each of their faces, she knows it’s something each of them have questioned and have wanted to know, but she thinks that deep down they all know the answer. Still, she’ll tell them one day, should the perfect opportunity ever arise.
Gwen grabs her hand, distracting Morgana from her reverie. Instantly, the women smile at each other and Gwen starts talking about furnishing the castle and how she’d like to help. Morgana looks at her and listens intently, still revelling in the fact that she’s back in Camelot and having conversations with Gwen about decorating a castle.
She doesn’t know what the future holds for her here in Camelot, though she knows integrating back won’t be easy and she’ll have a long way to go until she is accepted, though honestly part of her doesn’t care what the people think. She has Gwen and she has Merlin and Arthur. She’ll be okay; they all will.
\/\/\/
Coda
In the dead silence of the night, she stepped out from out of the shadows and into the moonlight.
Hesitantly, she walked to the place she didn’t want to: to the spot where three people lay, one completely motionless and the other two asleep.
Her trembling hands clasped her face as she took in the shocking sight; it looked worse than before, more blood and less hope and a certain finality to it all. The girl that lay in the centre of the two boys holding each of her hands was dead. And it was entirely her fault.
She fell to her knees and sobbed. A few hours ago she’d felt entirely powerful and hate had been a convincing weapon. Funny how death took that all away. She’d been so consumed with vengeance and anger that she’d forgotten who she was. But she remembered now: she was Morgana and she used to be friends with the girl whose life she had just taken.
Morgana managed to drag and position herself in front of Gwen’s head, though she did so with difficulty and anguish. After leaning over and gently stroking Gwen’s hair, she lifted the girl’s head and placed it in her lap. Either side of Gwen, Arthur and Merlin remained sleeping.
Morgana let out another sob that doesn’t rouse the exhausted boys. She never wanted Gwen dead. Gwen had been the only person who knew Morgana and accepted her. Gwen’s only crime was that she loved Morgana too much and it was that love that had unintentionally got her killed - and that destroyed Morgana.
Tears still ran down her face; she wouldn’t accept Gwen was dead. She wouldn’t.
Briefly, she looked at Merlin and Arthur and at their hands so strongly gripping onto Gwen’s. She knew that Merlin had tried to revive her and failed, but his hand was still connected to her as though he was still trying. Morgana didn’t know if she could do any better, but she had to attempt to.
She’d never used her power for good before, but she would do so today. She had the ability to command the greatest kind of magic because she hated so fiercely. She prayed that if she loved just as strongly as she hated, then she’d be able to conjure up the same kind of power. Maybe greater. Great enough to save Gwen.
She focused on her. Her hands placed either side of Gwen’s head, she thought only of her and getting her back. Closing her eyes, she conjured her magic and channelled it through to Gwen, hoping that it would be enough to revive her.
After a while, she stopped, spent and exhausted, and waited for a miracle to happen. Looking down at Gwen with only love on her face, she softly murmured, “You know what, Gwen? Love and magic? They aren’t too dissimilar after all.”
She could see it now, when before she hadn’t. There was magic in love and love in the greatest kind of magic. They could both elicit all the kinds of beauty and wonder in the world; if mishandled, they’d derive the utmost kind of pain.
Tears still in her eyes, she placed a kiss on Gwen’s forehead and looked up.
There were four people out here on the cold, hard ground. One was lifeless and gone. But there were three people who loved her and two people were magical and it had to be enough to bring her back, it had to be.
+++
A/N 2:
So this fic was originally based on three prompts:
"By not waiting you gave up on us, and you know that's the truth." By genstarwen92
“You don’t need to win anyone’s heart. You just need to ask for it” (House) by hmsharmony
Arthur's gravely injured on the battlefield, and has to keep telling himself that he can't die, he has to make it home, by sgmajorshipper
And though these prompts were set last Spring and my fic probably went into a completely different direction from the original prompts, I’m very grateful for getting to play with those prompts!
I know I already said, but just to reiterate, this will most likely be my last foray into the Merlin fandom, or in particular A/G. I’m not as into the pairing as I used to be, though I will always be fond of them. I think I’ve contributed enough stories to the fandom as it is, so hopefully no one will mind too much! I’m hoping to play around in new fandoms and explore new pairings, but who knows, I might one day come back to Arthur and Gwen.
Thus, I would like to say a big thank you to everyone who read this story, who made the effort to comment; to those of you who have read all my stories, to those of you who have read only one; to those of you who stuck by this particular story even though it’s been over a year since I started - I honestly can’t thank you enough and I hope you enjoyed reading this story/all my stories as much I’ve enjoyed writing. <333