I'm your editor for the mini-contest and I must confess that my sociological mind is practically dancing as a result of this poem. :) I love how you are asking the question of how much of how you see and hear the world was influenced by the media in the form of children's animated shows. What a great question!
Here I go:
Their voices were the same in every show I watched.
I'd cut 'I watched'. I think we understand we're seeing the shows through only your perspective, so anything you discuss here is limited to what you saw.
They shout and cry Tears welling up on a screen The way no real tears do.
In this stanza, why not keep a parallel structure going and ask a question in the last line as you do in the other stanzas, except the first, but you start with one there.
Tears welling up on a screen: have I ever seen real tears do this? (Poor example, but that's the general idea, anyway)
I don't really have much else to add, except that it seems like there could be an additional second-to-last stanza that takes this question one level deeper beyond just the way the characters appear to show emotions. What stereotypes are prevalent in those shows, for instance, that might have impacted your writing of character? There are many in those shows, so it would make sense that you could catch yourself writing them into your work as well, or to go even deeper, beyond your work and into how you see yourself or other people.
I really think it needs that added depth. It's cute right now, but I think it has the potential to be something that makes a person stop and say, "Whoa!" ESPECIALLY because it starts off so cute. You could take off the top of someone's head with this one. The hook just needs to sink in a bit deeper so it sets. Right now, I can walk away from this one and never think about it much again. Challenge yourself, and thus, the reader to do some self-examination w/ regards to just how much of something as seemingly innocuous as children's animated television becomes part of how we see the world and ourselves.
Thank you for writing such a thoughtful poem! I really enjoyed it!
Whoops, I totally thought I responded to this! Sorry for the late response. @_@
I think about this sort of stuff a lot! It is kinda strange and awkward, but my brain is full of questions like this all the time, so I have to write it out in a poem! xDD
I think you're right about the parallel structure. Something about the poem felt off to me but I couldn't figure it out. Also, I def. agree with you that the last stanza is really flimsy and makes the whole piece weak (I thought it was due earlier so I rushed something out and then I realized it was due later and by then I didn't want to go back and change things because I was lazy. whoops. xD) I think I need to go back and poke at it really hard and think a lot... and then edit! :D Thank you for the edit!!
I'm your editor for the mini-contest and I must confess that my sociological mind is practically dancing as a result of this poem. :) I love how you are asking the question of how much of how you see and hear the world was influenced by the media in the form of children's animated shows. What a great question!
Here I go:
Their voices were the same in every show
I watched.
I'd cut 'I watched'. I think we understand we're seeing the shows through only your perspective, so anything you discuss here is limited to what you saw.
They shout and cry
Tears welling up on a screen
The way no real tears do.
In this stanza, why not keep a parallel structure going and ask a question in the last line as you do in the other stanzas, except the first, but you start with one there.
Tears welling up on a screen:
have I ever seen real tears do this? (Poor example, but that's the general idea, anyway)
I don't really have much else to add, except that it seems like there could be an additional second-to-last stanza that takes this question one level deeper beyond just the way the characters appear to show emotions. What stereotypes are prevalent in those shows, for instance, that might have impacted your writing of character? There are many in those shows, so it would make sense that you could catch yourself writing them into your work as well, or to go even deeper, beyond your work and into how you see yourself or other people.
I really think it needs that added depth. It's cute right now, but I think it has the potential to be something that makes a person stop and say, "Whoa!" ESPECIALLY because it starts off so cute. You could take off the top of someone's head with this one. The hook just needs to sink in a bit deeper so it sets. Right now, I can walk away from this one and never think about it much again. Challenge yourself, and thus, the reader to do some self-examination w/ regards to just how much of something as seemingly innocuous as children's animated television becomes part of how we see the world and ourselves.
Thank you for writing such a thoughtful poem! I really enjoyed it!
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I think about this sort of stuff a lot! It is kinda strange and awkward, but my brain is full of questions like this all the time, so I have to write it out in a poem! xDD
I think you're right about the parallel structure. Something about the poem felt off to me but I couldn't figure it out. Also, I def. agree with you that the last stanza is really flimsy and makes the whole piece weak (I thought it was due earlier so I rushed something out and then I realized it was due later and by then I didn't want to go back and change things because I was lazy. whoops. xD) I think I need to go back and poke at it really hard and think a lot... and then edit! :D Thank you for the edit!!
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