I'm your editor for the mini-contest and I must confess that my sociological mind is practically dancing as a result of this poem. :) I love how you are asking the question of how much of how you see and hear the world was influenced by the media in the form of children's animated shows. What a great question!
Here I go:
Their voices were the same in every show I watched.
I'd cut 'I watched'. I think we understand we're seeing the shows through only your perspective, so anything you discuss here is limited to what you saw.
They shout and cry Tears welling up on a screen The way no real tears do. In this stanza, why not keep a parallel structure going and ask a question in the last line as you do in the other stanzas, except the first, but you start with one there
( ... )
Whoops, I totally thought I responded to this! Sorry for the late response. @_@
I think about this sort of stuff a lot! It is kinda strange and awkward, but my brain is full of questions like this all the time, so I have to write it out in a poem! xDD
I think you're right about the parallel structure. Something about the poem felt off to me but I couldn't figure it out. Also, I def. agree with you that the last stanza is really flimsy and makes the whole piece weak (I thought it was due earlier so I rushed something out and then I realized it was due later and by then I didn't want to go back and change things because I was lazy. whoops. xD) I think I need to go back and poke at it really hard and think a lot... and then edit! :D Thank you for the edit!!
Hi 1onewon! I thought I responded to this comment earlier, sorry! :(
I tilt my head a lot, but that is also because I grew up on anime and whatnot. xD It is strange and a lot of my friends made fun of me for it! I always tilt my head and go: "Huh?" and my friends like to imitate me. xD
And I love meta too, which is why I kinda wrote this! Yay for meta!!
dodos rolling out the edit wagon,he pausesbardiphoukaSeptember 8 2012, 13:25:46 UTC
Greetings and salutations, I am that 'other' editor for the week. You know, the one who lets the clever people like innana88 say all the important things so that I can just nod my head over coffee and say I agree.
Which I do by the way. Two added things.
You uses the word animated twice. I would change at least one of them. Actually I would change both of them. The first amimated you do not really need, and the second I think would better as animation? All arms moving are animated.
And I think the last stanza needs..something. You spend the entire poem talking about a group of shows and then suddenly, too suddenly imho, you talk about a specific show. Perhaps a bit more to reduce from many to one?
Wonderful, wonderful topic though and well written.
Hi bardi! Sorry for the late response, I totally thought I responded earlier. @_@
I do want to keep at least one reference to animated/animation because I grew up on anime as opposed to cartoons, which while are very similar, have some stylistic differences that I tried to touch upon, so I like including the use of something with animation as its base to refer to that. I think the first animated should go though, you are right! I will have to think on animation in the second time because it feels a little stilted to me? Hm. Food for thought!
Yeah, the last stanza is bad. :( I thought that the deadline was sunday instead of tuesday so I tried really hard to get something written out and then I wrote it and posted it and kinda just let it go, even when I realized that it was due later! Haha. I think there's more that I want to say, but I will have to think on it before I write/edit. xD
Comments 5
I'm your editor for the mini-contest and I must confess that my sociological mind is practically dancing as a result of this poem. :) I love how you are asking the question of how much of how you see and hear the world was influenced by the media in the form of children's animated shows. What a great question!
Here I go:
Their voices were the same in every show
I watched.
I'd cut 'I watched'. I think we understand we're seeing the shows through only your perspective, so anything you discuss here is limited to what you saw.
They shout and cry
Tears welling up on a screen
The way no real tears do.
In this stanza, why not keep a parallel structure going and ask a question in the last line as you do in the other stanzas, except the first, but you start with one there ( ... )
Reply
I think about this sort of stuff a lot! It is kinda strange and awkward, but my brain is full of questions like this all the time, so I have to write it out in a poem! xDD
I think you're right about the parallel structure. Something about the poem felt off to me but I couldn't figure it out. Also, I def. agree with you that the last stanza is really flimsy and makes the whole piece weak (I thought it was due earlier so I rushed something out and then I realized it was due later and by then I didn't want to go back and change things because I was lazy. whoops. xD) I think I need to go back and poke at it really hard and think a lot... and then edit! :D Thank you for the edit!!
Reply
(The comment has been removed)
I tilt my head a lot, but that is also because I grew up on anime and whatnot. xD It is strange and a lot of my friends made fun of me for it! I always tilt my head and go: "Huh?" and my friends like to imitate me. xD
And I love meta too, which is why I kinda wrote this! Yay for meta!!
Reply
Which I do by the way. Two added things.
You uses the word animated twice. I would change at least one of them. Actually I would change both of them. The first amimated you do not really need, and the second I think would better as animation? All arms moving are animated.
And I think the last stanza needs..something. You spend the entire poem talking about a group of shows and then suddenly, too suddenly imho, you talk about a specific show. Perhaps a bit more to reduce from many to one?
Wonderful, wonderful topic though and well written.
Reply
I do want to keep at least one reference to animated/animation because I grew up on anime as opposed to cartoons, which while are very similar, have some stylistic differences that I tried to touch upon, so I like including the use of something with animation as its base to refer to that. I think the first animated should go though, you are right! I will have to think on animation in the second time because it feels a little stilted to me? Hm. Food for thought!
Yeah, the last stanza is bad. :( I thought that the deadline was sunday instead of tuesday so I tried really hard to get something written out and then I wrote it and posted it and kinda just let it go, even when I realized that it was due later! Haha. I think there's more that I want to say, but I will have to think on it before I write/edit. xD
Thank you for the edit! :D
Reply
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