Between a rock and a hard place
OK, so I know that I said I'd be doing more regular updates. So much for that, right? Haha.
Every time I go to do an update, I stop myself, because I don't want to think of bad things, which I feel like I'd be thinking about if I were going to do an update.
Here's the big question of the day: No, I still don't have a job.
People are so nice and caring and they do ask me quite often how the job search is going. I wish I could tell them that there's been some movement, some change. But, nope. I'm stuck saying, "It's going..." and feeling like a total loser. My dad asked me awhile back if I had applied to every lawyer in Grand Rapids. The answer is still the same: not even close. I've applied to all of the mid-sized firms that I know about and even some larger ones. I've been looking in Lansing, too, though I could still probably find some more luck here. I am sick of getting rejection letters. This is the near the text of one I got yesterday: "Thank you for your interest at [blah, blah]. We have reviewed your materials and feel you will make an excellent addition to our office [insert Stephanie's heart flutter here]. Unfortunately, the position was already filled." Why on Earth wouldn't they say "we have reviewed your materials and feel you WOULD HAVE made an excellent addition to our office," LOL?
I go through phases. When I first started my job search, I was kind of nonchalant about it, like oh, I'll find one soon. Then I started getting anxiety and felt awful about the situation, so I took a few weeks off. Since then, I've refocused and tried to think positively. And that was semi-working. I had an interview for a solo practitioner in GR who does family law. Fun. I've been talking to the former Associate and it seems like the solo practitioner and I have personalities that would go well together. We hit it off in our interview. She'd said it could be 4 weeks before they let the candidates know either way. I called 2.5 weeks in. They hadn't yet decided but would in the next day. No call. Nothing. I emailed a the 4-week mark reiterating my interest. Nothing. I finally get a message the other morning from the secretary that I should call her back. "This is just amusing at this point," I thought as I was sure I was dialing her only to find out I didn't get it. Shockingly, they were interested in a 2nd interview with me. Yessss!!! Second interviews are a really good sign. They are taking me to lunch (damn, Stephanie, please don't eat like you normally do, which often involves food going all over yourself!). I don't know if it's just me doing the second interview or what. It was supposed to be next Monday, but they had to move it to next Friday. My heart is finally light and free, like, oh my gosh, we won't have to move home with our parents and file bankruptcy. We won't be stuck paying off our mounting credit card debt and student loan debt forever. I knew it. I am the perfect fit for the position........
until...
I get an email from the attorney that states things have slowed down since the first round of interviews and they may not hire anyone at all. I should come to my interview with ideas on how to expand the practice and get new clients. I am screwed. I can't just expand the practice immediately, as I have no experience in any type of law. I can talk to her about the benefits of advertising, which I know from my undergrad degree (who would have thought that degree that everyone turned their nose on would hopefully help me out in the future, lol?). But, I don't have instant clients in GR, unless my friends up there want to (1) make a will, or (2) divorce (or maybe pre-nuptial agreement?). Humph. Way to kick me in the gut when I'm finally letting myself experience some peace and not feel guilty for not having a job yet. Groan. I don't know what will happen with it. I just know I have like no money and I have to keep taking money out of the wedding account that we were supposed to save. So much for that.
It's funny, because I never worried about money before, and I have said this before, but maybe I'm in this situation to make me value good money management. If worse comes to worse, I'll cancel all the utilities, my health insurance, etc. etc. and move home with my parents or something. Who woulda thunk that a lawyer can't manage the utilities. This helps me realize that not everyone's perfect. I'm not perfect. And I have learned to be OK with that. My standards have really lowered. For example, I used to keep the house so very tidy every day. I would get annoyed at Mike for the smallest thing being out. Now, I'm doing good if I can manage to shower before bedtime. I leave all kinds of crap out, because there's always later. I can always do things later in my infine amount of free time. You'd think with being bored, I would have gotten some sewing done that was on my list forever (I can't really sew, but I just mean attempt to repair holes in my shirts). But, I keep putting it off, thinking that if I finish everything on my to-do list, then what? Idle time is the hands of the devil, or whatever the saying is.
So, I've been kind of hard on myself the last few days due to feeling like I've been punched in the gut with that whole we-might-not-hire-anyone business. I got a call from a place I'd applied that looks to be an insurance company advocacy type place in Lansing. They want someone with 5 years experience. I'm not qualified. I'm thinking, "damn you for getting my hopes up when I got the message from you this morning." They do have a job I may be qualified for, and it involves some semi-legal stuff, but it's a job any joe-blow could do. Everything I've been reading suggests we new lawyers hold out until we get an actual legal job. But, that advice doesn't even matter, because they said if they wanted me for that position, they'd call me back and schedule an interview. No call. Shock.
I'm not going to lie. I was feeling really low and depressed a month or two ago. Luckily, things picked up because I got busy doing some article writing for a law firm and some contract work for Katie's dad. But before that, I was...and I hate this word...suicidal. I heard that perfectionists are the first ones to want to off themselves when something out of their control isn't going their way. Boy, is that true. I felt, "What is the point of being alive?" and I felt my potential had peaked at being a top 5% law student. I'm not the best person for the job market, ya know? I get anxious at times and I am not that confident in myself, especially after an entire year of my brain being mush where my biggest decision is deciding what type of cereal I will eat at breakfast. I was suicidal to the point of watching videos of people killing themselves and thinking every 10 or so minutes about how I'd be better off dead. I'm not like that now. Once I got busier and had some purpose in life (i.e. I'm planning a couple events and I'm going to be in a card class with my mom), that want to die went away immediately. But, after hearing I may not get a job next week no matter how hard I try, and thinking that I have to start all over again, I suddenly felt the twinge again. No worries, I won't off myself over this. I'll wait until the debt collectors come calling!
I even gave into Mike that I would get a job as a bank teller to help us survive financially during this time period. I must have applied to 6-8 bank teller jobs. That was a bust. Apparently, I'm "overqualified." Talk about stuck between a rock and a hard place!!!!!!!!!
We'll see what happens next. I even applied to a good, perfect job, but it's in Novi. Mike and I have said over and over that we wouldn't move down there. But, what choice do I have? I'm not going to apply to any more Detroit stuff yet. I only did this one b/c it seems like the perfect job AND I know the senior partner's son from law school and the mayor's office. Wouldn't it be wonderful if that's the job I get, lol? Meh.
Mike? I think he's going to be a "lifer" at Meijer. The same poeple he used to make fun of. He's worked it up in his mind that he will never get a school counseling job b/c he realized he's never been a teacher before, and apparently the ideal counselor has teaching experience. He could have rectified that by subbing or volunteering (he has multiple days off during the week due to a slowdown at Meijer, and even before the slowdown, he always had Tuesday/Wednesday off). But, if I push him on it, he gets all pissy and tells me I am not one to be talking since I failed on my jobsearch. He says if he gets a job with the State doing social work, it's similar pay as Meijer, so he might as well stay with Meijer. Yeah, cause benefits and the fact that he's not working at a warehouse are apparently worth nothing. Mike has held a total of 3 jobs in his lifetime. One at a resort near their cottage, one doing heating and air for a summer, and, oh, Meijer. At this point, if he were done with Meijer, he'd literally get to retire and get pension. Lol. He's passed up applying for school counselor jobs at Holland and Flint. Now there's one posted for East Lansing High School. Well, it's been posted for weeks. When's the due date? Tomorrow. Has Mike worked on updating his resume at all? Nope. He initially told me it was good to go until he did finally relent and send it to me and admitted it's way outdated. As part of one of Mike's classes, he volunteered at GLHS in their counseling office for like 10 hours. I said it's perfect and that he should get Ms. Holliday to put in a good word for him at ELHS. She even remembered him/us from high school and would so be willing to do it I'm sure. I think that could be the nail in the coffin for getting the EL job. What better way than to have a local counselor vouch for you? Rest assured, everyone else will have recommendations, etc. You've got to use what you can get, ask uncomfortable things. That's called networking, and I've become unfortunately really good at that. What does Mike say? He makes an excuse up that (1) a recommendation from GLHS wouldn't matter, anyway. He's not a teacher. (2) Ms. Holliday wouldn't recommend him b/c she doesn't know enough about what he's done professionally, etc. etc. For days, he's been saying him and I will sit down and work on his resume and cover letter for the job. He got mad at me when I asked about it when we woke up this morning. I asked because I found out he was going out to his uncle's to help him out with stuff. Yeah, because his uncle always has his best inerest at heart...NOT. He said he'd do it when he got back, which wouldn't be too long. He's been gone since 10:30. It's 6:00. No sign of him. Odds are he won't do it now. He'll come home and internet and work out and say that's it, he's done enough for one day. I know he's just letting his anxiety rule. What better chance to get a job than to get one near where he grew up? He's never going to have this advantage over the other candidates because he won't be a local anywhere (keep in mind there are only, say, 4-5 jobs posted across the state of Michigan each year, and he's now already going to let 3 slip away). I saw a therapist years ago who told me to break up with Mike. He's not motivated enough in his career is what the therapist said. So, I break up with him. I was miserable without him, we got back together. Fairytale, right? I do not, I repeat, I do not regret marrying him. I love him with all my heart and I certainly understand what it's like to be anxious, but those words of the therapist run through my mind often now that he's actively not applying to decent jobs. He wouldn't want me to get away with that. True, he's never said, "you must apply HERE." And I'm not doing that to him. But his options are MUCH more limited than mine, unless he were to apply to schools without postings, which he says would be a waste of time. So, whenever he tells me I suck, which is pretty much any time I spend any money and he's having a money freak-out, I think, "if you had a school counseling job, we wouldn't be in this position." But he reminds me over and over, "At least I have a job!" And I cry, and the argument goes round and round. The fact is, that I'm a go-getter, and he's not. Unfortuntately, my go-getterness is overshadowed by the fact that I haven't managed to find something yet. Talk about identity crisis. Anyway, for fear of getting my head chewed off and not wanting to get into another argument about me finding a job, I rarely, rarely bring up to Mike the fact that maybe he should try applying to a school job. I did bring it up the other day, knowing that this deadline is coming up. And this is the answer I got: He has not applied to any school jobs yet, because he just knows if he does that I will stop looking for jobs myself, because I will know that we could at least survive off his salary. Correction: I don't think we could survive off just a school counselor's salary. Our student loans are in deferment and we have thousands of credit card debt we're ignoring. So, I don't know where he got that idea. But the basic premise was that it was my fault for him not applying. He doesn't want me to rest from applying for jobs. Gee, honey. That's so kind of you. You really sacrificed there. Additionally, I suggested it would be best he apply to the EL job early and not right before the deadline. He didn't understand why that matter, and I said because it looks bad to do it at the last minute and we have time to work on it right now and get it in early. He said I didn't know what I was talking about. Right.
See, now I've gone off and riled myself up. I guess that's better than being suicidal. Now I'm homicidal!!!!
Every time I go to do an update, I stop myself, because I don't want to think of bad things, which I feel like I'd be thinking about if I were going to do an update.
Here's the big question of the day: No, I still don't have a job.
People are so nice and caring and they do ask me quite often how the job search is going. I wish I could tell them that there's been some movement, some change. But, nope. I'm stuck saying, "It's going..." and feeling like a total loser. My dad asked me awhile back if I had applied to every lawyer in Grand Rapids. The answer is still the same: not even close. I've applied to all of the mid-sized firms that I know about and even some larger ones. I've been looking in Lansing, too, though I could still probably find some more luck here. I am sick of getting rejection letters. This is the near the text of one I got yesterday: "Thank you for your interest at [blah, blah]. We have reviewed your materials and feel you will make an excellent addition to our office [insert Stephanie's heart flutter here]. Unfortunately, the position was already filled." Why on Earth wouldn't they say "we have reviewed your materials and feel you WOULD HAVE made an excellent addition to our office," LOL?
I go through phases. When I first started my job search, I was kind of nonchalant about it, like oh, I'll find one soon. Then I started getting anxiety and felt awful about the situation, so I took a few weeks off. Since then, I've refocused and tried to think positively. And that was semi-working. I had an interview for a solo practitioner in GR who does family law. Fun. I've been talking to the former Associate and it seems like the solo practitioner and I have personalities that would go well together. We hit it off in our interview. She'd said it could be 4 weeks before they let the candidates know either way. I called 2.5 weeks in. They hadn't yet decided but would in the next day. No call. Nothing. I emailed a the 4-week mark reiterating my interest. Nothing. I finally get a message the other morning from the secretary that I should call her back. "This is just amusing at this point," I thought as I was sure I was dialing her only to find out I didn't get it. Shockingly, they were interested in a 2nd interview with me. Yessss!!! Second interviews are a really good sign. They are taking me to lunch (damn, Stephanie, please don't eat like you normally do, which often involves food going all over yourself!). I don't know if it's just me doing the second interview or what. It was supposed to be next Monday, but they had to move it to next Friday. My heart is finally light and free, like, oh my gosh, we won't have to move home with our parents and file bankruptcy. We won't be stuck paying off our mounting credit card debt and student loan debt forever. I knew it. I am the perfect fit for the position........
until...
I get an email from the attorney that states things have slowed down since the first round of interviews and they may not hire anyone at all. I should come to my interview with ideas on how to expand the practice and get new clients. I am screwed. I can't just expand the practice immediately, as I have no experience in any type of law. I can talk to her about the benefits of advertising, which I know from my undergrad degree (who would have thought that degree that everyone turned their nose on would hopefully help me out in the future, lol?). But, I don't have instant clients in GR, unless my friends up there want to (1) make a will, or (2) divorce (or maybe pre-nuptial agreement?). Humph. Way to kick me in the gut when I'm finally letting myself experience some peace and not feel guilty for not having a job yet. Groan. I don't know what will happen with it. I just know I have like no money and I have to keep taking money out of the wedding account that we were supposed to save. So much for that.
It's funny, because I never worried about money before, and I have said this before, but maybe I'm in this situation to make me value good money management. If worse comes to worse, I'll cancel all the utilities, my health insurance, etc. etc. and move home with my parents or something. Who woulda thunk that a lawyer can't manage the utilities. This helps me realize that not everyone's perfect. I'm not perfect. And I have learned to be OK with that. My standards have really lowered. For example, I used to keep the house so very tidy every day. I would get annoyed at Mike for the smallest thing being out. Now, I'm doing good if I can manage to shower before bedtime. I leave all kinds of crap out, because there's always later. I can always do things later in my infine amount of free time. You'd think with being bored, I would have gotten some sewing done that was on my list forever (I can't really sew, but I just mean attempt to repair holes in my shirts). But, I keep putting it off, thinking that if I finish everything on my to-do list, then what? Idle time is the hands of the devil, or whatever the saying is.
So, I've been kind of hard on myself the last few days due to feeling like I've been punched in the gut with that whole we-might-not-hire-anyone business. I got a call from a place I'd applied that looks to be an insurance company advocacy type place in Lansing. They want someone with 5 years experience. I'm not qualified. I'm thinking, "damn you for getting my hopes up when I got the message from you this morning." They do have a job I may be qualified for, and it involves some semi-legal stuff, but it's a job any joe-blow could do. Everything I've been reading suggests we new lawyers hold out until we get an actual legal job. But, that advice doesn't even matter, because they said if they wanted me for that position, they'd call me back and schedule an interview. No call. Shock.
I'm not going to lie. I was feeling really low and depressed a month or two ago. Luckily, things picked up because I got busy doing some article writing for a law firm and some contract work for Katie's dad. But before that, I was...and I hate this word...suicidal. I heard that perfectionists are the first ones to want to off themselves when something out of their control isn't going their way. Boy, is that true. I felt, "What is the point of being alive?" and I felt my potential had peaked at being a top 5% law student. I'm not the best person for the job market, ya know? I get anxious at times and I am not that confident in myself, especially after an entire year of my brain being mush where my biggest decision is deciding what type of cereal I will eat at breakfast. I was suicidal to the point of watching videos of people killing themselves and thinking every 10 or so minutes about how I'd be better off dead. I'm not like that now. Once I got busier and had some purpose in life (i.e. I'm planning a couple events and I'm going to be in a card class with my mom), that want to die went away immediately. But, after hearing I may not get a job next week no matter how hard I try, and thinking that I have to start all over again, I suddenly felt the twinge again. No worries, I won't off myself over this. I'll wait until the debt collectors come calling!
I even gave into Mike that I would get a job as a bank teller to help us survive financially during this time period. I must have applied to 6-8 bank teller jobs. That was a bust. Apparently, I'm "overqualified." Talk about stuck between a rock and a hard place!!!!!!!!!
We'll see what happens next. I even applied to a good, perfect job, but it's in Novi. Mike and I have said over and over that we wouldn't move down there. But, what choice do I have? I'm not going to apply to any more Detroit stuff yet. I only did this one b/c it seems like the perfect job AND I know the senior partner's son from law school and the mayor's office. Wouldn't it be wonderful if that's the job I get, lol? Meh.
Mike? I think he's going to be a "lifer" at Meijer. The same poeple he used to make fun of. He's worked it up in his mind that he will never get a school counseling job b/c he realized he's never been a teacher before, and apparently the ideal counselor has teaching experience. He could have rectified that by subbing or volunteering (he has multiple days off during the week due to a slowdown at Meijer, and even before the slowdown, he always had Tuesday/Wednesday off). But, if I push him on it, he gets all pissy and tells me I am not one to be talking since I failed on my jobsearch. He says if he gets a job with the State doing social work, it's similar pay as Meijer, so he might as well stay with Meijer. Yeah, cause benefits and the fact that he's not working at a warehouse are apparently worth nothing. Mike has held a total of 3 jobs in his lifetime. One at a resort near their cottage, one doing heating and air for a summer, and, oh, Meijer. At this point, if he were done with Meijer, he'd literally get to retire and get pension. Lol. He's passed up applying for school counselor jobs at Holland and Flint. Now there's one posted for East Lansing High School. Well, it's been posted for weeks. When's the due date? Tomorrow. Has Mike worked on updating his resume at all? Nope. He initially told me it was good to go until he did finally relent and send it to me and admitted it's way outdated. As part of one of Mike's classes, he volunteered at GLHS in their counseling office for like 10 hours. I said it's perfect and that he should get Ms. Holliday to put in a good word for him at ELHS. She even remembered him/us from high school and would so be willing to do it I'm sure. I think that could be the nail in the coffin for getting the EL job. What better way than to have a local counselor vouch for you? Rest assured, everyone else will have recommendations, etc. You've got to use what you can get, ask uncomfortable things. That's called networking, and I've become unfortunately really good at that. What does Mike say? He makes an excuse up that (1) a recommendation from GLHS wouldn't matter, anyway. He's not a teacher. (2) Ms. Holliday wouldn't recommend him b/c she doesn't know enough about what he's done professionally, etc. etc. For days, he's been saying him and I will sit down and work on his resume and cover letter for the job. He got mad at me when I asked about it when we woke up this morning. I asked because I found out he was going out to his uncle's to help him out with stuff. Yeah, because his uncle always has his best inerest at heart...NOT. He said he'd do it when he got back, which wouldn't be too long. He's been gone since 10:30. It's 6:00. No sign of him. Odds are he won't do it now. He'll come home and internet and work out and say that's it, he's done enough for one day. I know he's just letting his anxiety rule. What better chance to get a job than to get one near where he grew up? He's never going to have this advantage over the other candidates because he won't be a local anywhere (keep in mind there are only, say, 4-5 jobs posted across the state of Michigan each year, and he's now already going to let 3 slip away). I saw a therapist years ago who told me to break up with Mike. He's not motivated enough in his career is what the therapist said. So, I break up with him. I was miserable without him, we got back together. Fairytale, right? I do not, I repeat, I do not regret marrying him. I love him with all my heart and I certainly understand what it's like to be anxious, but those words of the therapist run through my mind often now that he's actively not applying to decent jobs. He wouldn't want me to get away with that. True, he's never said, "you must apply HERE." And I'm not doing that to him. But his options are MUCH more limited than mine, unless he were to apply to schools without postings, which he says would be a waste of time. So, whenever he tells me I suck, which is pretty much any time I spend any money and he's having a money freak-out, I think, "if you had a school counseling job, we wouldn't be in this position." But he reminds me over and over, "At least I have a job!" And I cry, and the argument goes round and round. The fact is, that I'm a go-getter, and he's not. Unfortuntately, my go-getterness is overshadowed by the fact that I haven't managed to find something yet. Talk about identity crisis. Anyway, for fear of getting my head chewed off and not wanting to get into another argument about me finding a job, I rarely, rarely bring up to Mike the fact that maybe he should try applying to a school job. I did bring it up the other day, knowing that this deadline is coming up. And this is the answer I got: He has not applied to any school jobs yet, because he just knows if he does that I will stop looking for jobs myself, because I will know that we could at least survive off his salary. Correction: I don't think we could survive off just a school counselor's salary. Our student loans are in deferment and we have thousands of credit card debt we're ignoring. So, I don't know where he got that idea. But the basic premise was that it was my fault for him not applying. He doesn't want me to rest from applying for jobs. Gee, honey. That's so kind of you. You really sacrificed there. Additionally, I suggested it would be best he apply to the EL job early and not right before the deadline. He didn't understand why that matter, and I said because it looks bad to do it at the last minute and we have time to work on it right now and get it in early. He said I didn't know what I was talking about. Right.
See, now I've gone off and riled myself up. I guess that's better than being suicidal. Now I'm homicidal!!!!