(no subject)
so, more text messages were sent last night.... they went something like this:
Me: RUF tonight was about forgiveness and i really didn't think it'd have anything to do with you, but when i think about it, i think the main reason i said i couldn't be your friend yet was really just to give myself space and time to harbor anger toward you because i was hurt.... and that's not right. I do need a bit of space to make sure i don't get attached at a level you don't want, but i have no legitimate reason i can't be your friend if that's what you want...
him: good, cuz i'd definitely like to be friends. but i do understand if you need some time.
and looking at it now, it kinda makes me laugh that he said he understood if i needed time... like he knows he's hard to get over :-p. i'm sure he didn't mean it like that... but it still makes me giggle a bit..
considering after he responded , my stomach cramped up and i felt super lonely.... i do need a little more time, but i really think that the fact that i was able to acknowledge that my reasons for not telling him we can be friends was to let myself be angry at him and to kind of punish him (because i know that he does care about me as a person and that we do get a long well and we could be good friends... ) was a relatively healthy step...
i'm really trying to get my life back in order... things haven't been good for a while - i'm falling back into old habits that aren't healthy... i can't find a counselor and don't really know how to go about finding one... but also i'm really trying to get back into going to church regularly because i think that really helps level me... it's a little hard because a big part of me wants to drink myself into oblivion... and most opportunities for that are saturday nights.. but again, that's not healthy.
it's also a little hard because i feel like the people i kinda know at church haven't SEEN me there for a while (when i have been going i get there late, slip in the back and leave right after...) so i kind of feel like i'll be judged for not being there... which is something i need to get over. just get over it. i do this for me, i do it for my relationship with God, not for them. and that's what's important...
i'm not going to lie and say that i'm not hoping that i'll meet someone at church - my mom even said " you need to find a nice boy at redeemer, one that will say ' i'm a sinner, you're a sinner and our kids will be sinners'" (sidenote: kids? no.)... but that's not the main reason... tho it would definitely be nice :-p
i dont know, i dont know i dont know i dont know.
i need:
I run off
Where the drifts get deeper
Sleeping beauty trips me with a frown
I hear a voice
"Your must learn to stand up for yourself
Cause I can't always be around"
He says
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear "
and you're right.
Even diligent day takes relief every day
from its work making light from the night."
"i am beautiful, sweet and loved... but why? "
Me: RUF tonight was about forgiveness and i really didn't think it'd have anything to do with you, but when i think about it, i think the main reason i said i couldn't be your friend yet was really just to give myself space and time to harbor anger toward you because i was hurt.... and that's not right. I do need a bit of space to make sure i don't get attached at a level you don't want, but i have no legitimate reason i can't be your friend if that's what you want...
him: good, cuz i'd definitely like to be friends. but i do understand if you need some time.
and looking at it now, it kinda makes me laugh that he said he understood if i needed time... like he knows he's hard to get over :-p. i'm sure he didn't mean it like that... but it still makes me giggle a bit..
considering after he responded , my stomach cramped up and i felt super lonely.... i do need a little more time, but i really think that the fact that i was able to acknowledge that my reasons for not telling him we can be friends was to let myself be angry at him and to kind of punish him (because i know that he does care about me as a person and that we do get a long well and we could be good friends... ) was a relatively healthy step...
i'm really trying to get my life back in order... things haven't been good for a while - i'm falling back into old habits that aren't healthy... i can't find a counselor and don't really know how to go about finding one... but also i'm really trying to get back into going to church regularly because i think that really helps level me... it's a little hard because a big part of me wants to drink myself into oblivion... and most opportunities for that are saturday nights.. but again, that's not healthy.
it's also a little hard because i feel like the people i kinda know at church haven't SEEN me there for a while (when i have been going i get there late, slip in the back and leave right after...) so i kind of feel like i'll be judged for not being there... which is something i need to get over. just get over it. i do this for me, i do it for my relationship with God, not for them. and that's what's important...
i'm not going to lie and say that i'm not hoping that i'll meet someone at church - my mom even said " you need to find a nice boy at redeemer, one that will say ' i'm a sinner, you're a sinner and our kids will be sinners'" (sidenote: kids? no.)... but that's not the main reason... tho it would definitely be nice :-p
i dont know, i dont know i dont know i dont know.
i need:
- to learn to love myself
I run off
Where the drifts get deeper
Sleeping beauty trips me with a frown
I hear a voice
"Your must learn to stand up for yourself
Cause I can't always be around"
He says
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear "
- to realized the depth of my debt to christ
- to realize the depth of my forgiveness through Him
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast. - Ephesians 2: 8- 9 - to learn to forgive because of my debt to him is immeasurable, and debts made against me are pitifully small in comparison... if I can be forgiven for a lifetime of sin, pain and damage, I can forgive others.
Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart. - Matt 18: 32-35
- to realize that i cannot do it all myself...
and you're right.
Even diligent day takes relief every day
from its work making light from the night."
- I need love, faith, sweetness and understanding... i need to understand my relationship with God, myself, and i need someone who has some understanding of me.
"i am beautiful, sweet and loved... but why? "