IT WAS THE BEST OF TIMES, IT WAS THE WORST OF TIMES.
Yes I feel myself filling up with things to say, but not really taking the time to agknowledge much of it... if that makes sense.
Sometimes I'd much rather sit and stare at the t.v. , but I can't do that because it gets me no where. At this point in my transition, I still feel the same sometimes... like nothing much has changed, and I'm still waiting. Waiting for what? I mean, I've obviously come far, but there are certain things about my body that will never change, and it makes me sad. I wonder if my expectations were too big, too unrealisitic....something, I dunno. Weird though because 4 years ago I was easily pegged as a dyke (not that there's anything wrong with being a dyke), and now I'm not. I guess socially it's... one point for Austin. Without the hormones sometimes people saw me as a guy too, especially a lot in smaller towns. I lived as both and neither for over 20 years, and it brought me into a sense of myself and the world around me that I could've never imagined. I can't just sit here and wallow in this desire to hate myself. It's not my fault...I know. I can't just sit here and deny what ever change there was and just because it's not what I expected doesn't mean it's not worthy of exploring, and loving. And you know what? I hate myself for that the most. What an unforgiving bastard I am... even to myself. You want honesty? Here it is...the darker side of all this. There is no running from it my friends. It comes and goes, and you might kill most of it with hormones and surgeries, but it follows you around sometimes in many forms.
But I might just take a minute from all this self loathing to tell you I wouldn't ever quit the T...not for anything or anybody. It has become too much a part of me, and it feels right... the surgery felt right and I can't wait to go further down the road where I've never been so I can look around and say "Hey, I've come a little further." It's coming...I can feel it...I can.
I do have some updates. I went to another surgeon because I wasn't too sure about the one I have now. The dude just doesn't talk. The lady I consulted with was very informative... she told me a lot I already knew and didn't know, and then some. When she first walked in the room, she didn't smile though... but hey, what ever. She seemed to treat my chest reduction surgery more like a male one instead of a female one which I appreciated. I guess at this stage it would be anyway...I don't have much breast tissue left and the only thing that really needs to be done is lipo suction on both sides. I really just need some contouring and symmetry done. She has her consultations in something that resembles a house right next to the hospital. She doesn't have her own surgical room like my initial surgeon does. But long story short, she would've costed another 5000 dollars, and after careful consideration... I knew I had to just stay with my original surgeon. What's funny about the whole thing is she actually knows the doctor I'm seeing now. It's a smaller city so it figures. Talking to her gave me more confidence in what I'll ask my surgeon though...so it wasn't a total loss. It ended up being a good thing overall. There's a huge chance that my chest surgery revision will be in July, but there might be a road block in front of all that. I'm having circulation problems in my left leg so I'm going to be talking with a vascular specialist to see what's up. If they give me the go ahead, It'll still be happening in July. Sometimes I wonder why things can't just be a little more simple.
Sometimes I'd much rather sit and stare at the t.v. , but I can't do that because it gets me no where. At this point in my transition, I still feel the same sometimes... like nothing much has changed, and I'm still waiting. Waiting for what? I mean, I've obviously come far, but there are certain things about my body that will never change, and it makes me sad. I wonder if my expectations were too big, too unrealisitic....something, I dunno. Weird though because 4 years ago I was easily pegged as a dyke (not that there's anything wrong with being a dyke), and now I'm not. I guess socially it's... one point for Austin. Without the hormones sometimes people saw me as a guy too, especially a lot in smaller towns. I lived as both and neither for over 20 years, and it brought me into a sense of myself and the world around me that I could've never imagined. I can't just sit here and wallow in this desire to hate myself. It's not my fault...I know. I can't just sit here and deny what ever change there was and just because it's not what I expected doesn't mean it's not worthy of exploring, and loving. And you know what? I hate myself for that the most. What an unforgiving bastard I am... even to myself. You want honesty? Here it is...the darker side of all this. There is no running from it my friends. It comes and goes, and you might kill most of it with hormones and surgeries, but it follows you around sometimes in many forms.
But I might just take a minute from all this self loathing to tell you I wouldn't ever quit the T...not for anything or anybody. It has become too much a part of me, and it feels right... the surgery felt right and I can't wait to go further down the road where I've never been so I can look around and say "Hey, I've come a little further." It's coming...I can feel it...I can.
I do have some updates. I went to another surgeon because I wasn't too sure about the one I have now. The dude just doesn't talk. The lady I consulted with was very informative... she told me a lot I already knew and didn't know, and then some. When she first walked in the room, she didn't smile though... but hey, what ever. She seemed to treat my chest reduction surgery more like a male one instead of a female one which I appreciated. I guess at this stage it would be anyway...I don't have much breast tissue left and the only thing that really needs to be done is lipo suction on both sides. I really just need some contouring and symmetry done. She has her consultations in something that resembles a house right next to the hospital. She doesn't have her own surgical room like my initial surgeon does. But long story short, she would've costed another 5000 dollars, and after careful consideration... I knew I had to just stay with my original surgeon. What's funny about the whole thing is she actually knows the doctor I'm seeing now. It's a smaller city so it figures. Talking to her gave me more confidence in what I'll ask my surgeon though...so it wasn't a total loss. It ended up being a good thing overall. There's a huge chance that my chest surgery revision will be in July, but there might be a road block in front of all that. I'm having circulation problems in my left leg so I'm going to be talking with a vascular specialist to see what's up. If they give me the go ahead, It'll still be happening in July. Sometimes I wonder why things can't just be a little more simple.