Lebensmüde
In college, Caroline taught me a German word that describes perfectly how I'm feeling right now. The word is "lebensmüde" and it means "weary of life."
I have had trouble sleeping the past couple of weeks, sometimes lying awake until half past four in the morning. Then when the alarm rings to get me up in the morning, I am dead to the world and Leon does everything but lift me off the bed (I'm sure he would if he could actually lift me) to get me up and on my way to work. Yet no matter how tired I feel during the day, I cannot sleep in the evening and the whole cycle repeats itself.
I am sad; I cry often. I am wary of strangers and have begun second-guessing myself on almost everything.
My mom told me that I need an adventure--this from the woman who frets every time I set foot on an airplane and panics when she rides BART under the bay. I told her that I think I'm going to Prague and I could tell she wasn't pleased but she simply responded, "I just want you to be happy."
Caroline sent me a wonderful email over the weekend in which she told me that she misses me, hoped I will visit her in Prague (I plan to), and thanked me for listening to her current concerns even though, she said, they were "peanuts" compared to what I've been through over the past few months.
It made me feel validated--like I haven't been miserable over nothing. And yet it doesn't change the fact that I am miserable. Sad. Weary of life.
I have decided that I need a change--an adventure, even. It makes no sense for me to sit here and think that changes will happen if I don't do anything, even if I am going to therapy 2.5 times a week (they might be fixing me; it's hard to say). I hate to be such a fucking downer but that's where I am right now. It's who I am, unfortunately. And I need to change that.
To do so, I shall start with this: I am going to Prague.
I have had trouble sleeping the past couple of weeks, sometimes lying awake until half past four in the morning. Then when the alarm rings to get me up in the morning, I am dead to the world and Leon does everything but lift me off the bed (I'm sure he would if he could actually lift me) to get me up and on my way to work. Yet no matter how tired I feel during the day, I cannot sleep in the evening and the whole cycle repeats itself.
I am sad; I cry often. I am wary of strangers and have begun second-guessing myself on almost everything.
My mom told me that I need an adventure--this from the woman who frets every time I set foot on an airplane and panics when she rides BART under the bay. I told her that I think I'm going to Prague and I could tell she wasn't pleased but she simply responded, "I just want you to be happy."
Caroline sent me a wonderful email over the weekend in which she told me that she misses me, hoped I will visit her in Prague (I plan to), and thanked me for listening to her current concerns even though, she said, they were "peanuts" compared to what I've been through over the past few months.
It made me feel validated--like I haven't been miserable over nothing. And yet it doesn't change the fact that I am miserable. Sad. Weary of life.
I have decided that I need a change--an adventure, even. It makes no sense for me to sit here and think that changes will happen if I don't do anything, even if I am going to therapy 2.5 times a week (they might be fixing me; it's hard to say). I hate to be such a fucking downer but that's where I am right now. It's who I am, unfortunately. And I need to change that.
To do so, I shall start with this: I am going to Prague.