I miss my friends.
I had a grand, snotty-nosed cry-a-thon at my therapist's office yesterday evening. It was nice in the sense that I always feel better after a good cry, but it also forced me to consider that I don't think I've made any damn progress in therapy (where "progress" is defined as some kind of self-betterment) since I started seeing Karen nearly nine months ago.
Anyway, we spent a long time talking about Milo's death and all of my issues regarding that. I know that at some point, I'll manage to get over it, but my inability to find any peace with it makes me think that might take an awfully long time.
I also talked for a long time about the reactions I've gotten. I received some wonderful responses to my post a week ago, and I haven't responded to any of them, partially because I don't know what to say to many of them. And so I'll leave them alone for now.
Other responses haven't been as comforting.
Although I received a couple of very kind emails from coworkers, I had vaguely hoped that they would buy me flowers or a sympathy card.
Less than a month after Maggie started working here in the summer of 2005, one of her cats died. Lindsay and I bought her flowers and everyone in our team signed a card, and these were on her desk when she came back from a day or two of grieving. I thought I might return to the same thing, but no.
I've gone back and forth on this. On the one hand, I've worked here for more than 2.5 years, so I just assumed that my coworkers would want to do something nice. But then I considered that Milo was just a guinea pig and not nearly so significant as a cat, so I guess he doesn't merit a little carnation bud.
And, for what it's worth, I actually decided before I arrived at work two days after he died (I had worked from home the day following) that I somewhat hoped that they wouldn't buy me flowers. I just love to play the martyr.
I also sent emails to a few of my friends to tell them of Milo's death. Two of my friends have not responded, even though it's been a week. I have forgiven this negligence in the case of one friend, because I think she might be traveling at the moment. But the other person has no excuse. This person is Dirk.
I emailed Dirk exactly a week ago to tell him that Milo died and I haven't heard from him since. Unless he was in some horrible accident or the power is out in all of Germany, I can't think of one good reason why he hasn't contacted me. Yes, I know that he hates writing emails and that he might very well be busy, but if he cared about me at all, he would have set aside the twenty seconds it takes to write "I am very sorry for your loss" and fucking sent this to me. But he didn't.
I compare this to the longest email he's ever written to me, which just so happens to be the huge "fuck you" he sent last June, and I think, "Gosh. You'll sit down to write an incredibly eloquent 'Go fuck yourself' but when it comes to expressing sympathy, you can't be bothered. What kind of friendship is this?"
I have thought about telling him, either in email or when I speak to him on the phone again, that this is an unacceptable way to treat a friend and that I am incredibly offended that he would put more effort into hurting my feelings than comforting me, but, well, no one likes it when their friends attempt to dictate how they should and should not interact. So, for now, I'm sitting on my hands. I will probably talk to him on Sunday, where he will surely say something kind on the subject. But waiting until I call him to say, "Oh, yeah, I got your email and I'm sorry about what happened" is, frankly, rude and makes me question his goodness as a human being.
All of this just makes me want to cry.
Anyway, we spent a long time talking about Milo's death and all of my issues regarding that. I know that at some point, I'll manage to get over it, but my inability to find any peace with it makes me think that might take an awfully long time.
I also talked for a long time about the reactions I've gotten. I received some wonderful responses to my post a week ago, and I haven't responded to any of them, partially because I don't know what to say to many of them. And so I'll leave them alone for now.
Other responses haven't been as comforting.
Although I received a couple of very kind emails from coworkers, I had vaguely hoped that they would buy me flowers or a sympathy card.
Less than a month after Maggie started working here in the summer of 2005, one of her cats died. Lindsay and I bought her flowers and everyone in our team signed a card, and these were on her desk when she came back from a day or two of grieving. I thought I might return to the same thing, but no.
I've gone back and forth on this. On the one hand, I've worked here for more than 2.5 years, so I just assumed that my coworkers would want to do something nice. But then I considered that Milo was just a guinea pig and not nearly so significant as a cat, so I guess he doesn't merit a little carnation bud.
And, for what it's worth, I actually decided before I arrived at work two days after he died (I had worked from home the day following) that I somewhat hoped that they wouldn't buy me flowers. I just love to play the martyr.
I also sent emails to a few of my friends to tell them of Milo's death. Two of my friends have not responded, even though it's been a week. I have forgiven this negligence in the case of one friend, because I think she might be traveling at the moment. But the other person has no excuse. This person is Dirk.
I emailed Dirk exactly a week ago to tell him that Milo died and I haven't heard from him since. Unless he was in some horrible accident or the power is out in all of Germany, I can't think of one good reason why he hasn't contacted me. Yes, I know that he hates writing emails and that he might very well be busy, but if he cared about me at all, he would have set aside the twenty seconds it takes to write "I am very sorry for your loss" and fucking sent this to me. But he didn't.
I compare this to the longest email he's ever written to me, which just so happens to be the huge "fuck you" he sent last June, and I think, "Gosh. You'll sit down to write an incredibly eloquent 'Go fuck yourself' but when it comes to expressing sympathy, you can't be bothered. What kind of friendship is this?"
I have thought about telling him, either in email or when I speak to him on the phone again, that this is an unacceptable way to treat a friend and that I am incredibly offended that he would put more effort into hurting my feelings than comforting me, but, well, no one likes it when their friends attempt to dictate how they should and should not interact. So, for now, I'm sitting on my hands. I will probably talk to him on Sunday, where he will surely say something kind on the subject. But waiting until I call him to say, "Oh, yeah, I got your email and I'm sorry about what happened" is, frankly, rude and makes me question his goodness as a human being.
All of this just makes me want to cry.