coming out from underneath ______.
it's hard to admit certain things to yourself. like, you really need to do work; you are a godawful whore; you have fucked up; you are fucked up; or that you never had a relationship.
i think i am actively admitting that i never had an actual relationship with bathie. whoa. that's crazy, especially since for the past nine months i've been fucking FANTASIZING about this shit. i am guilty. i've spent countless hours on the phone with this person (who may be alive or dead at this moment--i don't really fucking know). i've written a gazillion sappy text messages to this person. i even visited this person when i really didn't have the time for it. ah, hell. maybe it was a real relationship. i even took up learning about islam for him (nothing against muslims). rat bastard. and i didn't even hook up with anyone else, much less think about it the whole time.
all i know now is that all i have no emotional remnants of this relationship. and we're not even officially broken up. but i feel like its over. or whatever. i don't know what the fuck it is.
all i know now is that i'm starting to forget him, and move on. and maybe there might be something going on with aaron (don't know his last name, but wish i did). and actually, i think i might like aaron. he called me today, and he was so not weird about it. i think he was following the wait-one-day rule. he's just turning out to be a really nice guy, and i really don't mind it. i don't think that's wrong. i think we're going to have that talk but whenever that happens is whenever that happens.
i can't get over how difficult it has been to admit all of this. but i think i'm okay with it.
**one thing i can say with certainty is that i have truly missed my significant others--the girls of 305 and the entire entourage. finally, i'm feeling happy. or is this happiness? maybe it's just a state of not bitterness/anger/sadness/lonliness. the verdict is still out. and i think that's okay.
i think i am actively admitting that i never had an actual relationship with bathie. whoa. that's crazy, especially since for the past nine months i've been fucking FANTASIZING about this shit. i am guilty. i've spent countless hours on the phone with this person (who may be alive or dead at this moment--i don't really fucking know). i've written a gazillion sappy text messages to this person. i even visited this person when i really didn't have the time for it. ah, hell. maybe it was a real relationship. i even took up learning about islam for him (nothing against muslims). rat bastard. and i didn't even hook up with anyone else, much less think about it the whole time.
all i know now is that all i have no emotional remnants of this relationship. and we're not even officially broken up. but i feel like its over. or whatever. i don't know what the fuck it is.
all i know now is that i'm starting to forget him, and move on. and maybe there might be something going on with aaron (don't know his last name, but wish i did). and actually, i think i might like aaron. he called me today, and he was so not weird about it. i think he was following the wait-one-day rule. he's just turning out to be a really nice guy, and i really don't mind it. i don't think that's wrong. i think we're going to have that talk but whenever that happens is whenever that happens.
i can't get over how difficult it has been to admit all of this. but i think i'm okay with it.
**one thing i can say with certainty is that i have truly missed my significant others--the girls of 305 and the entire entourage. finally, i'm feeling happy. or is this happiness? maybe it's just a state of not bitterness/anger/sadness/lonliness. the verdict is still out. and i think that's okay.