(no subject)
every book i pick up lately seems to be about America and its past. i dont know if its subconscious or just accidental. i read those books and try to catch every word in the hopes that it will make my trip to the US more meaningful. i want to recognise every town i pass and have a little link in my mind as to it's history. i dont want to be a blank anywhere i go. i want to recognise everything. so for example right at this moment i'm reading an account of 1800's english travellers in the US, women pioneers in Texas, gone with the wind which somehow found its way into the umm the bathroom and henry miller seems intent on dissecting the nature of america and compare it to the nature of europe.
i'm just getting excited, thats all.
i want to document everything. i want to photograph every taste, smell and sight. i think i would appreciate it all. of course i'm mostly curious about the people, but i think i have a pretty good idea from the people i know already. they're fascinating is one way of putting it. they're not ordinary, they're all different. every american i've met in real life and every american here on lj is a world in themselves and they are only united by the place they come from. how can one country produce so many attitudes?
so it'll be fun and i can't wait. the plane trip, the apartment, everything. i tend to get overexcited about things but this time i dont think i'm doing that. it's a mixture of fear and excitement, the fear of doing something big. it's not just a holiday. it's a beginning because i want to take roots there. i want to make a living there and i want to have a life there. i've already moved countries once but that time wasn't nearly so big and responsible and i wasn't in control of my life back then. we're only going for 3 months but it's not just a holiday. we're coming back there.
i know i'm feeling what everyone previous to me felt when going to the states and its so cliche but i love it. it's like a prerequisite to feel this way before going to the states. i've had a feeling inside me that goes something like this: "over there is where i should be" . i've had it for a while and i'm not sure if it's brought on by my overblown fantasies or if it's going to be confirmed. i dont want to have an idea of what it's going to be like because i know ideas like that always get blown to bits. i just want it all to be true.
there are so many plans for the future crowding my head and it's all uncertain because its all just a wish right now and a possibility and it can all easily happen if i want it to. its uncertain - everything - and its all so shiny and sparkly and unbelievable. it's a good feeling. i dont like to be certain and i dont like to be sedate and sit and know where i stand and where everybody stands and how it's all going to turn out. i really like the complexity of life and the mixed ironies of every situation, right now i'm feeling it particularly deeply.
i'm just getting excited, thats all.
i want to document everything. i want to photograph every taste, smell and sight. i think i would appreciate it all. of course i'm mostly curious about the people, but i think i have a pretty good idea from the people i know already. they're fascinating is one way of putting it. they're not ordinary, they're all different. every american i've met in real life and every american here on lj is a world in themselves and they are only united by the place they come from. how can one country produce so many attitudes?
so it'll be fun and i can't wait. the plane trip, the apartment, everything. i tend to get overexcited about things but this time i dont think i'm doing that. it's a mixture of fear and excitement, the fear of doing something big. it's not just a holiday. it's a beginning because i want to take roots there. i want to make a living there and i want to have a life there. i've already moved countries once but that time wasn't nearly so big and responsible and i wasn't in control of my life back then. we're only going for 3 months but it's not just a holiday. we're coming back there.
i know i'm feeling what everyone previous to me felt when going to the states and its so cliche but i love it. it's like a prerequisite to feel this way before going to the states. i've had a feeling inside me that goes something like this: "over there is where i should be" . i've had it for a while and i'm not sure if it's brought on by my overblown fantasies or if it's going to be confirmed. i dont want to have an idea of what it's going to be like because i know ideas like that always get blown to bits. i just want it all to be true.
there are so many plans for the future crowding my head and it's all uncertain because its all just a wish right now and a possibility and it can all easily happen if i want it to. its uncertain - everything - and its all so shiny and sparkly and unbelievable. it's a good feeling. i dont like to be certain and i dont like to be sedate and sit and know where i stand and where everybody stands and how it's all going to turn out. i really like the complexity of life and the mixed ironies of every situation, right now i'm feeling it particularly deeply.