breaking apart and fitting together.
this morning i've laid in bed for literally 2 hrs.
i take that back. i did get up to use the restroom. but with the potty break asidel, i have been completely lazy.
i'll be 22 in less than a month from now. funny how ppl continue to remind me. at this point i'm just ready for it to be may 22nd.
i'm in a bind and this anxiety is like a bath tub slowly filling to its edges. i try to have enough selfcontrol to keep it down, but i can feel it underneath my skin, attacking my heart, collapsing my lungs... i hate not being in control.
to a slight degree i guess i can admit that i am a control freak. but i think most normal functioning ppl want to have some kind of autonomy in their lives.... right?
the problem[s]
=== loneliness*
there are different pains that i feel inside... but they both stem from loneliness.
last week me and Katie broke up [Rd 2...done] it hurt. and i thought the initial hit was normally the most painful, and the days afterwards are just coping with it and eventually it heals. Not this one. its like i hardened my heart to make sure everything would go smoothly as possible. i killed my feelings and became callus to pretty much anything, trying to pretend like these were going well.
sometimes it hits me in the most awkward of places. when i'm putting on your shoes to go running, or when i'm asking for no tomatoes on my burger or when i sit down in my car afterwork. and just like cold water, my viens contract and a chill creeps down your spine... and then i realize. i'm pathetic and alone.
it hurts bad enough to let a few tears squeeze by but something holds tight and blood spills into my mouth from biting my lip too hard.
it fades away without much thought. thats about the only time i'm thankful to be ADD.
a few days later after we broke up... i punched my cousin in the face.
i dont know where i'm going to live or how its all going to work out. i try to shoulder the responsibility of a 20+ adult but how can i?
i need to prioritize my life. as i've said to myself time and time again, i need a routine. as a result of being ALL OVER THE PLACE, i punched my cousin for telling me some things i sorta needed to hear. he might have not said them in the best of ways but they needed to be said and i DO IN FACT, NEED TO GROW UP.
its so tough tho. trying to find a place to stay, not just for me but for someone else. i feel like i have so much that i need to get done.... but i dont have the knowledge to do it.
is it really that easy? just put a deposit on a place and wait it out until the moving day?
i just dont know whats going on. its been a rough week.
i take that back. i did get up to use the restroom. but with the potty break asidel, i have been completely lazy.
i'll be 22 in less than a month from now. funny how ppl continue to remind me. at this point i'm just ready for it to be may 22nd.
i'm in a bind and this anxiety is like a bath tub slowly filling to its edges. i try to have enough selfcontrol to keep it down, but i can feel it underneath my skin, attacking my heart, collapsing my lungs... i hate not being in control.
to a slight degree i guess i can admit that i am a control freak. but i think most normal functioning ppl want to have some kind of autonomy in their lives.... right?
the problem[s]
=== loneliness*
there are different pains that i feel inside... but they both stem from loneliness.
last week me and Katie broke up [Rd 2...done] it hurt. and i thought the initial hit was normally the most painful, and the days afterwards are just coping with it and eventually it heals. Not this one. its like i hardened my heart to make sure everything would go smoothly as possible. i killed my feelings and became callus to pretty much anything, trying to pretend like these were going well.
sometimes it hits me in the most awkward of places. when i'm putting on your shoes to go running, or when i'm asking for no tomatoes on my burger or when i sit down in my car afterwork. and just like cold water, my viens contract and a chill creeps down your spine... and then i realize. i'm pathetic and alone.
it hurts bad enough to let a few tears squeeze by but something holds tight and blood spills into my mouth from biting my lip too hard.
it fades away without much thought. thats about the only time i'm thankful to be ADD.
a few days later after we broke up... i punched my cousin in the face.
i dont know where i'm going to live or how its all going to work out. i try to shoulder the responsibility of a 20+ adult but how can i?
i need to prioritize my life. as i've said to myself time and time again, i need a routine. as a result of being ALL OVER THE PLACE, i punched my cousin for telling me some things i sorta needed to hear. he might have not said them in the best of ways but they needed to be said and i DO IN FACT, NEED TO GROW UP.
its so tough tho. trying to find a place to stay, not just for me but for someone else. i feel like i have so much that i need to get done.... but i dont have the knowledge to do it.
is it really that easy? just put a deposit on a place and wait it out until the moving day?
i just dont know whats going on. its been a rough week.