When things fall apart.
disappointment leads to regret and filling in the cracks are the moments we let go to far.
i want to scream so loud. i want to smash my teeth together until they fall out my mouth. feelings of anger, regret, and fear...
i need my life back.
i've cried so hard, my stomach was pulsing and ready to spit all of my worries out onto the dirt ground for me to see. i lay by the water. a place i took katie one time... for her first drink of beer. Coors... the banquet of beers.
i can barely sit on this bench. my body just wants to fall on my face and cry my heart out. i want to take these small breaths that i have left and continue to mutter "my God. i'm sorry. i'm so so sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i dont wanna be a piece of shit God. i'm sorry. my God, i'm sorry". my hands cover my eyes, they try to hold back the snot and spit, the tears and pain leaving the most vulnerable spaces on my face.
she refuses to talk to me. she can only manage to text me what she is feeling, what she is thinking, what she fears, what she hates and what she is regretting. i wanna be supportive. i want to do the right thing.
where does she want me to be in all of this?
she is killing me.
damn it i suck.
things just seem to get worse and worse by the minute and i feel like all i can do is just roll with the punches and wait til everything settles. but i can sit back and i cant let things just go on without me being apart of it. i messed up and i need to do something about it. i feel like a small kid that has no control over anything and whatever i try and do things just fall out of my small outreached hands.
i feel worthless and helpless. i need something to hold on to and someone to say its going to be ok. bc i keep telling her its going to be alright but i'm starting to doubt.
i'm starting to fall apart.
i want to scream so loud. i want to smash my teeth together until they fall out my mouth. feelings of anger, regret, and fear...
i need my life back.
i've cried so hard, my stomach was pulsing and ready to spit all of my worries out onto the dirt ground for me to see. i lay by the water. a place i took katie one time... for her first drink of beer. Coors... the banquet of beers.
i can barely sit on this bench. my body just wants to fall on my face and cry my heart out. i want to take these small breaths that i have left and continue to mutter "my God. i'm sorry. i'm so so sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i dont wanna be a piece of shit God. i'm sorry. my God, i'm sorry". my hands cover my eyes, they try to hold back the snot and spit, the tears and pain leaving the most vulnerable spaces on my face.
she refuses to talk to me. she can only manage to text me what she is feeling, what she is thinking, what she fears, what she hates and what she is regretting. i wanna be supportive. i want to do the right thing.
where does she want me to be in all of this?
she is killing me.
damn it i suck.
things just seem to get worse and worse by the minute and i feel like all i can do is just roll with the punches and wait til everything settles. but i can sit back and i cant let things just go on without me being apart of it. i messed up and i need to do something about it. i feel like a small kid that has no control over anything and whatever i try and do things just fall out of my small outreached hands.
i feel worthless and helpless. i need something to hold on to and someone to say its going to be ok. bc i keep telling her its going to be alright but i'm starting to doubt.
i'm starting to fall apart.