Chapter 5 - The Monster Book of Monsters, by Delphinapterus
After a bustling London street scene, complete a ubiquitous red double-decker, we see our intrepid hero staring moodily out the window with his squint™ in full force. Possibly because Harry instead of seeing the familiar book shop or record store outside is forced to confront an open-air market, a huge green house structure, and a major tower. The shinning spires of Gringotts are not in the background so it is doubtful, especially given the double-decker, that Harry is looking onto Diagon Alley. We will later see that Harry’s room is missing the talking mirror as well - probably because it might have shouted advice at him. Don’t go into the Pagoda Harry!
Harry turns from his window and evidences either puzzlement or worry, both expressions being quite similar for him. The classic signs are given: drawn brows, slight frowned and a thrust forward head, rather like a bird about to peck. The object of Harry’s emotion is obviously the pile of school books sitting on his table. Assuming for a moment that Harry actually remembers receiving the books from Fudge the previous evening, his puzzlement or/and worry can only be due to one thing - drum roll - the Monster Book of Monsters. The book has become furry and started to rock and snort while waving its tentacles. Naturally Harry is concerned that the docile, easily handled book from scene 4 which, one should note, showed no tendencies towards either movement or vocalization*. Harry’s years of DADA training come to the fore and we are treated to the foreshadowing of Harry’s early DADA teaching years in his fifth year. Harry, coming to the obvious conclusion that the book is either curses or transfigured, opens the book. This is after he has had to undo the Hagrid mini-belt holding it shut and viewed the mouth o’teeth on the page edges. Just what Lockhart would advise in these circumstances! Harry’s fingers promptly get bitten off, saving his professors from his terrible quill work and prompting the introduction of a new dictation-taking writing implement at Hogwarts
Now let us move onto the book. The book has, by this point, come to resemble a jumble-animal. It was tentacles, which could be mistaken for tarantula legs but on closer inspection reveal octopus like suckers on the undersides. The book also sports a dashing fur pelt, reminiscent of Fluffy’s coat (although it could also be the fur of a shedding rabbit). The book’s most striking feature, and one commented on at length by its fellows, is its beautiful yellow bird’s eyes. Unfortunately the book obvious doesn’t see well since its eyes cannot move in any direction, let alone have a light sensitive pupil. Throughout Harry’s perusal of its person the book has been in such an advanced state of torpor as to be inanimate (as all good books ought to be), yet suddenly it reanimates. With powerful covers snapping the book takes after our hero. The book starts to self-mutilate as it snaps at Harry, showing both him and the floor with perfectly square, equal sized confetti made from its pages.** It then chases Harry about his room, a not inconsiderable feat for something that moves like a crab.
The book then holes up under Harry’s bed, at which point Harry is cowering on top of it. Peering underneath, Harry finds two ivory elephants, one with a broken trunk, one skipping rope and a number of old photos tucked on a ledge. The book (not appreciating Harry’s voyeuristic tendencies even if he does pass it off as a harmless round of peek-a-boo) charges out from its lair and Harry hastily retracts himself. It should be noted that the book was started to trail sawdust after itself, much like a termite. Personal hygiene was not one of this book’s strengths.
Harry, after another squint, pulls his shoe off to use as bait, since all books like smelly trainers. The book meanwhile has gained the strength to start shaking and bumping the bed around. Harry drops the shoe and the book scuttles out again, enticed by the aroma of sweat, dirt and old socks. Harry leaps on the book which produces the Gwank of an elephant with a sinus infection trumpeting. The huge pink tongue of Fluffy pops out of from between the covers. This answers the question of what happened to Fluffy when he failed in his guard duties - spare parts. So ends the epic struggle between boy and book, shoe and page.
*Tom, the bartender, was able to easily pick the book up and transport it out of Minister Fudge’s temporary office. The book at this point had no tentacles.
**Wizarding publishing houses are notorious for self-mutilating angsty books that eventually turn complete black due to their miserable dispositions. This clever ploy, forcing customers to buy multiple copies, was later outlawed due to book sales to Muggle historians who proved to be too zealous in their quest to find out an apparently lost printer’s art.
Harry turns from his window and evidences either puzzlement or worry, both expressions being quite similar for him. The classic signs are given: drawn brows, slight frowned and a thrust forward head, rather like a bird about to peck. The object of Harry’s emotion is obviously the pile of school books sitting on his table. Assuming for a moment that Harry actually remembers receiving the books from Fudge the previous evening, his puzzlement or/and worry can only be due to one thing - drum roll - the Monster Book of Monsters. The book has become furry and started to rock and snort while waving its tentacles. Naturally Harry is concerned that the docile, easily handled book from scene 4 which, one should note, showed no tendencies towards either movement or vocalization*. Harry’s years of DADA training come to the fore and we are treated to the foreshadowing of Harry’s early DADA teaching years in his fifth year. Harry, coming to the obvious conclusion that the book is either curses or transfigured, opens the book. This is after he has had to undo the Hagrid mini-belt holding it shut and viewed the mouth o’teeth on the page edges. Just what Lockhart would advise in these circumstances! Harry’s fingers promptly get bitten off, saving his professors from his terrible quill work and prompting the introduction of a new dictation-taking writing implement at Hogwarts
Now let us move onto the book. The book has, by this point, come to resemble a jumble-animal. It was tentacles, which could be mistaken for tarantula legs but on closer inspection reveal octopus like suckers on the undersides. The book also sports a dashing fur pelt, reminiscent of Fluffy’s coat (although it could also be the fur of a shedding rabbit). The book’s most striking feature, and one commented on at length by its fellows, is its beautiful yellow bird’s eyes. Unfortunately the book obvious doesn’t see well since its eyes cannot move in any direction, let alone have a light sensitive pupil. Throughout Harry’s perusal of its person the book has been in such an advanced state of torpor as to be inanimate (as all good books ought to be), yet suddenly it reanimates. With powerful covers snapping the book takes after our hero. The book starts to self-mutilate as it snaps at Harry, showing both him and the floor with perfectly square, equal sized confetti made from its pages.** It then chases Harry about his room, a not inconsiderable feat for something that moves like a crab.
The book then holes up under Harry’s bed, at which point Harry is cowering on top of it. Peering underneath, Harry finds two ivory elephants, one with a broken trunk, one skipping rope and a number of old photos tucked on a ledge. The book (not appreciating Harry’s voyeuristic tendencies even if he does pass it off as a harmless round of peek-a-boo) charges out from its lair and Harry hastily retracts himself. It should be noted that the book was started to trail sawdust after itself, much like a termite. Personal hygiene was not one of this book’s strengths.
Harry, after another squint, pulls his shoe off to use as bait, since all books like smelly trainers. The book meanwhile has gained the strength to start shaking and bumping the bed around. Harry drops the shoe and the book scuttles out again, enticed by the aroma of sweat, dirt and old socks. Harry leaps on the book which produces the Gwank of an elephant with a sinus infection trumpeting. The huge pink tongue of Fluffy pops out of from between the covers. This answers the question of what happened to Fluffy when he failed in his guard duties - spare parts. So ends the epic struggle between boy and book, shoe and page.
*Tom, the bartender, was able to easily pick the book up and transport it out of Minister Fudge’s temporary office. The book at this point had no tentacles.
**Wizarding publishing houses are notorious for self-mutilating angsty books that eventually turn complete black due to their miserable dispositions. This clever ploy, forcing customers to buy multiple copies, was later outlawed due to book sales to Muggle historians who proved to be too zealous in their quest to find out an apparently lost printer’s art.