Chapter 3 - The Knight Bus, and Chapter 4 - The Leaky Cauldron, by WhiteLights
VERNON: YOU LITTLE WRETCH! Deflate your aunt THIS instant or-
HARRY: Or what, you’ll scream at me, lock me up, and conveniently not remember to feed me?
VERNON: Well, yes. BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT!
HARRY: Screw y’all, I am so out of here.
DUDLEY: -is wondering vaguely what roast pit bull would taste like-
HARRY: I am going to drag my trunk along instead of levitating it to show off my teenage rage.
PETUNIA: Oh, he’s so like his mother.
VERNON AND DUDLEY: -odd stares-
HARRY’S TRUNK: -is way too small-
HEDWIG: -is totally neglected-
AUNT MARGE: IIII CAAAN SEEEE MYYYY HOOOUSE FRROOOOM HEEEEEEEEERE
HARRY: Dude, she’d make an awesome weather balloon.
RANDOM HOUSES: -are spooky-
THE SKY: -is suddenly a lot darker-
THE PLAYGROUND: -is random-
EVERYTHING: -seems vaguely pointless. OH THE TEENAGE WANGST!-
HARRY: This is not the smartest thing I’ve ever done. Oh well. I think I’ll just sit on the curb and ponder the meaning of life for a while. And possibly also ponder why it seems to be 4 degrees in July. (Remember, kids: Celsius in Britain!)
THE LAMP: -flickers ominously-
THE PLAYGOUND: -is totally haunted-
HARRY: Shit.
GRIM IN THE BUSHES: Well hello, Claricccce lovely.
HARRY: HOLY HELL IT’S A GIANT DOG MADE OF DEATH! AAAAAAH!
THE CURB: Here, let me help you with that.
HARRY: -falls over backwards-
THE KNIGHT BUS: -is apparently a pimped out triple decker. Who knew-
STAN SHUNPIKE: I am Stan Shunpike, God of Sex.
HARRY: What?
STAN: I didn’t say nuffin’!
HARRY: …
STAN: Well get on the bus then.
HARRY: But the Giant Dog of Death-
STAN: My godlike sexiness will kill it right out.
HARRY: What?
STAN: Well come on then, in the bus! -grabs Harry’s stuff-
HARRY: ….
THE KNIGHT BUS: -is totally not as swanky on the inside as it should be-
CRAZY JAMAICAN SHRUNKEN HEAD THAT IS NOT ACTUALLY IN CANON AT ALL EVER: AWWW YEAH, HIT IT ERN!
ERN?: -is apparently totally blind-
HARRY: Oh my god I am totally gonna die.
STAN: Wot’s your name then?
HARRY: Uh. It’s totally not Harry. And apparently it’s not Neville either. Well, the foreshadowing of me calling myself Neville wouldn’t mean much to you anyway.
THE CRAZY JAMAICAN SHRUNKEN HEAD: Apparently I am also named Ern. OH SO CRAZY
ERN THE SECOND: Maybe if I twist the wheel around enough it’ll look like I can drive!
HARRY: -whimpers-
THE KNIGHT BUS: Oh man oh man I am so fast I am like ZIPPY ya hear me I am like FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF LIGHT Superman wishes he could touch this but he can’t and dude so speedy, so speedy, lookit me go I’m so speedy, I’m so speedy I can swerve around other things instead of making them swerve around me! Damn I am slick OH MY GOD OLD LADY
OLD LADY: I think it’s funny they think I can’t see them.
HARRY: -windowplants- Ow, my face!
STAN: See, Kid Whose Name I Don’t Know, this is why you’ll never be a Sex God like me.
HARRY: You can really stop that now.
STAN: Stop what?
CRAZY JAMAICAN SHRUNKEN HEAD: When I was young, you see, I attended Oxford. That’s where I learned to count down from ten. TEN SEVEN TWO ONEPOINTFIVE ZERO GOGOGO!
GARY OLDMAN IN THE NEWSPAPER: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!
HARRY: Uh.
STAN: Dude, how do you not know this guy. He’s SIRIUS BLACK! He was my MENTOR!
HARRY: ?!
STAN: Here, have some backstory to distract you from my nasty teeth.
GARY OLDMAN: Maybe if I writhe around and scream enough they’ll believe I’m good for the part!
FEMALE MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE: Man, no, you suck. SIRIUS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HOT!
MALE MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE: Har de har.
CRAZY JAMAICAN SHRUNKEN HEAD: Ern, I am renaming you Ernie. Stan, your name is Ernie too. So anyway, WE’RE GOING TO BE CRUSHED BY DOUBLE DECKERS THAT ARE IMPROBABLY DRIVING SIDE BY SIDE FOR NO APPARENT REASON!
HARRY: If I’d known this was going to happen I’d’ve tied a basket to Aunt Marge and traveled that way.
THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS ERN BUT NOW KNOWN AS ERNIE: -flails a bit, then pulls a switch or six-
THE KNIGHT BUS: The screenwriters felt bad about taking away my super special powers that made people and mailboxes jump out of my way, so they gave me a new power! I can go really super thin! You have no idea how convenient it is for bikini season.
HARRY: My mind is breaking.
CRAZY JAMAICAN SHRUNKEN HEAD: Aw, no it’s not. Here, let me tell you clever and punny jokes to take your mind off how canon-rapingly weird all of this is!
HARRY: You’re not helping.
THE KNIGHT BUS: STOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSOTAPSOTPS
HARRY: -windowplants again- Ow, my face! Again!
STAN: Man, I thought you would’ve learned the first time.
HARRY: I hate you so much.
THE KNIGHT BUS: Ooh, lookit, muggle car. It’s so pretty… and shiny… and… and…. I JUST HAVE TO POKE IT!
MUGGLE CAR: Bitch, step off, I HAVE A BOYFRIEND! -alarms go off-
THE KNIGHT BUS: Aww.
STAN: -nostalgically- Ah, they learn so fast…
HARRY: .. does that… do you mean you-
STAN: LEAKY CAULDRON, THIS STOP!
HARRY: -cries-
HUNCHBACK: HehHEhEheHEhehEHheHEhEhehEhEHehe
HARRY: I want my mommy.
THE KNIGHT BUS: OOOOOOH, KITTY! -zoom-
KITTY: OMFG!
THE SCENE: -transitions-
HARRY: I have absolutely no idea what is going on.
DUDE IN LEAKY CAULDRON: Lookit me, I’m all smart, I’m reading a book by a muggle physicist. THAT’S NOT STRANGE AT ALL!
AUDIENCE: Wow, I never noticed that.
HUNCHBACK: Sorry, the creepy laugh was obligatory. Here’s the Minister of Magic. And your bird.
HARRY: Hedwig! I love you!
HEDWIG: -hoot-
TRANSLATION: Go to hell, owl hater.
FUDGE: Suddenly I am imposing and official, as opposed to most other times.
HARRY: I am so expelled.
FUDGE: blah blah blah blah
HUNCHBACK: Food. Take the food, Mr. Potter. Take the damn food. If you do not take some goddamn peanuts I swear to God I will-
HARRY: I am going to die before I even have the chance to be expelled!
FUDGE: Oh don’t be silly. You only broke six hundred and twenty five point two separate laws and you’re underage and we had to send three separate departments to fix the mess but we don’t mind in the slightest! Have some pea soup.
HUNCHBACK: OR ELSE.
HARRY: Buh. Dude, I totally broke the law, what gives?
FUDGE: Harry, you ONLY made your aunt SORT OF explode! It’s quite alright.
HUNCHBACK: … HEhehEhEHh-
FUDGE: No.
HUNCHBACK: Aw.
FUDGE: However…. WE ARE GOING TO PUT YOU IN AZKABAN FOR RUNNING AWAY FROM YOUR ABUSIVE FAMILY!
HARRY: AH!
FUDGE: Oh, just kidding.
HARRY: What?
FUDGE: I didn’t say anything about Sirius Black.
HARRY: .. but you-
FUDGE: No idea what you’re talking about! Here, have a plot point.
HARRY: But.
FUDGE: Bye!
HARRY: I so do not feel good about this.
HUNCHBACK: I can help you with that.
HARRY: …
HARRY: Or what, you’ll scream at me, lock me up, and conveniently not remember to feed me?
VERNON: Well, yes. BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT!
HARRY: Screw y’all, I am so out of here.
DUDLEY: -is wondering vaguely what roast pit bull would taste like-
HARRY: I am going to drag my trunk along instead of levitating it to show off my teenage rage.
PETUNIA: Oh, he’s so like his mother.
VERNON AND DUDLEY: -odd stares-
HARRY’S TRUNK: -is way too small-
HEDWIG: -is totally neglected-
AUNT MARGE: IIII CAAAN SEEEE MYYYY HOOOUSE FRROOOOM HEEEEEEEEERE
HARRY: Dude, she’d make an awesome weather balloon.
RANDOM HOUSES: -are spooky-
THE SKY: -is suddenly a lot darker-
THE PLAYGROUND: -is random-
EVERYTHING: -seems vaguely pointless. OH THE TEENAGE WANGST!-
HARRY: This is not the smartest thing I’ve ever done. Oh well. I think I’ll just sit on the curb and ponder the meaning of life for a while. And possibly also ponder why it seems to be 4 degrees in July. (Remember, kids: Celsius in Britain!)
THE LAMP: -flickers ominously-
THE PLAYGOUND: -is totally haunted-
HARRY: Shit.
GRIM IN THE BUSHES: Well hello, Claricccce lovely.
HARRY: HOLY HELL IT’S A GIANT DOG MADE OF DEATH! AAAAAAH!
THE CURB: Here, let me help you with that.
HARRY: -falls over backwards-
THE KNIGHT BUS: -is apparently a pimped out triple decker. Who knew-
STAN SHUNPIKE: I am Stan Shunpike, God of Sex.
HARRY: What?
STAN: I didn’t say nuffin’!
HARRY: …
STAN: Well get on the bus then.
HARRY: But the Giant Dog of Death-
STAN: My godlike sexiness will kill it right out.
HARRY: What?
STAN: Well come on then, in the bus! -grabs Harry’s stuff-
HARRY: ….
THE KNIGHT BUS: -is totally not as swanky on the inside as it should be-
CRAZY JAMAICAN SHRUNKEN HEAD THAT IS NOT ACTUALLY IN CANON AT ALL EVER: AWWW YEAH, HIT IT ERN!
ERN?: -is apparently totally blind-
HARRY: Oh my god I am totally gonna die.
STAN: Wot’s your name then?
HARRY: Uh. It’s totally not Harry. And apparently it’s not Neville either. Well, the foreshadowing of me calling myself Neville wouldn’t mean much to you anyway.
THE CRAZY JAMAICAN SHRUNKEN HEAD: Apparently I am also named Ern. OH SO CRAZY
ERN THE SECOND: Maybe if I twist the wheel around enough it’ll look like I can drive!
HARRY: -whimpers-
THE KNIGHT BUS: Oh man oh man I am so fast I am like ZIPPY ya hear me I am like FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF LIGHT Superman wishes he could touch this but he can’t and dude so speedy, so speedy, lookit me go I’m so speedy, I’m so speedy I can swerve around other things instead of making them swerve around me! Damn I am slick OH MY GOD OLD LADY
OLD LADY: I think it’s funny they think I can’t see them.
HARRY: -windowplants- Ow, my face!
STAN: See, Kid Whose Name I Don’t Know, this is why you’ll never be a Sex God like me.
HARRY: You can really stop that now.
STAN: Stop what?
CRAZY JAMAICAN SHRUNKEN HEAD: When I was young, you see, I attended Oxford. That’s where I learned to count down from ten. TEN SEVEN TWO ONEPOINTFIVE ZERO GOGOGO!
GARY OLDMAN IN THE NEWSPAPER: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!
HARRY: Uh.
STAN: Dude, how do you not know this guy. He’s SIRIUS BLACK! He was my MENTOR!
HARRY: ?!
STAN: Here, have some backstory to distract you from my nasty teeth.
GARY OLDMAN: Maybe if I writhe around and scream enough they’ll believe I’m good for the part!
FEMALE MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE: Man, no, you suck. SIRIUS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HOT!
MALE MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE: Har de har.
CRAZY JAMAICAN SHRUNKEN HEAD: Ern, I am renaming you Ernie. Stan, your name is Ernie too. So anyway, WE’RE GOING TO BE CRUSHED BY DOUBLE DECKERS THAT ARE IMPROBABLY DRIVING SIDE BY SIDE FOR NO APPARENT REASON!
HARRY: If I’d known this was going to happen I’d’ve tied a basket to Aunt Marge and traveled that way.
THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS ERN BUT NOW KNOWN AS ERNIE: -flails a bit, then pulls a switch or six-
THE KNIGHT BUS: The screenwriters felt bad about taking away my super special powers that made people and mailboxes jump out of my way, so they gave me a new power! I can go really super thin! You have no idea how convenient it is for bikini season.
HARRY: My mind is breaking.
CRAZY JAMAICAN SHRUNKEN HEAD: Aw, no it’s not. Here, let me tell you clever and punny jokes to take your mind off how canon-rapingly weird all of this is!
HARRY: You’re not helping.
THE KNIGHT BUS: STOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSOTAPSOTPS
HARRY: -windowplants again- Ow, my face! Again!
STAN: Man, I thought you would’ve learned the first time.
HARRY: I hate you so much.
THE KNIGHT BUS: Ooh, lookit, muggle car. It’s so pretty… and shiny… and… and…. I JUST HAVE TO POKE IT!
MUGGLE CAR: Bitch, step off, I HAVE A BOYFRIEND! -alarms go off-
THE KNIGHT BUS: Aww.
STAN: -nostalgically- Ah, they learn so fast…
HARRY: .. does that… do you mean you-
STAN: LEAKY CAULDRON, THIS STOP!
HARRY: -cries-
HUNCHBACK: HehHEhEheHEhehEHheHEhEhehEhEHehe
HARRY: I want my mommy.
THE KNIGHT BUS: OOOOOOH, KITTY! -zoom-
KITTY: OMFG!
THE SCENE: -transitions-
HARRY: I have absolutely no idea what is going on.
DUDE IN LEAKY CAULDRON: Lookit me, I’m all smart, I’m reading a book by a muggle physicist. THAT’S NOT STRANGE AT ALL!
AUDIENCE: Wow, I never noticed that.
HUNCHBACK: Sorry, the creepy laugh was obligatory. Here’s the Minister of Magic. And your bird.
HARRY: Hedwig! I love you!
HEDWIG: -hoot-
TRANSLATION: Go to hell, owl hater.
FUDGE: Suddenly I am imposing and official, as opposed to most other times.
HARRY: I am so expelled.
FUDGE: blah blah blah blah
HUNCHBACK: Food. Take the food, Mr. Potter. Take the damn food. If you do not take some goddamn peanuts I swear to God I will-
HARRY: I am going to die before I even have the chance to be expelled!
FUDGE: Oh don’t be silly. You only broke six hundred and twenty five point two separate laws and you’re underage and we had to send three separate departments to fix the mess but we don’t mind in the slightest! Have some pea soup.
HUNCHBACK: OR ELSE.
HARRY: Buh. Dude, I totally broke the law, what gives?
FUDGE: Harry, you ONLY made your aunt SORT OF explode! It’s quite alright.
HUNCHBACK: … HEhehEhEHh-
FUDGE: No.
HUNCHBACK: Aw.
FUDGE: However…. WE ARE GOING TO PUT YOU IN AZKABAN FOR RUNNING AWAY FROM YOUR ABUSIVE FAMILY!
HARRY: AH!
FUDGE: Oh, just kidding.
HARRY: What?
FUDGE: I didn’t say anything about Sirius Black.
HARRY: .. but you-
FUDGE: No idea what you’re talking about! Here, have a plot point.
HARRY: But.
FUDGE: Bye!
HARRY: I so do not feel good about this.
HUNCHBACK: I can help you with that.
HARRY: …