Shige's essay n.46 - Myself -
Kato Shigeaki's essay - Myself
This time this will be an "Aoi Hitorigoto" much less than ever.
This will be a mumble yet please try to read. Perhaps you will found out that you're just like me.
Some time ago suddenly I remembered a trauma of my junior school time. During the time from the first year of school to the second one I was suddenly being ignored by all my friends. This wasn't a typical case of bullying, I was just clearly being hated. I was confused not understanding the reasons so in the fog of my bad feelings I called one of my friends to ask him "What happened?", I just wanted to know this.
He answered: "Isn't it obvious? You only do things to being hated".
Then he explained finely to me all my single evil-doings.
In short, at that time I was impudent with my words, egoist, a so-called "THE only child".
My behaviour was like Jaian: I teased my friends and made fun of them, so they were like Suneo and in the end they exploded. I was suddenly hated.
The one bullying them was me. When I realized all this I was tortured by an unbearable sense of loss. Then I cried.
I really was a weak person. Mine was only a bluff. I'm sorry. Sorry. I mean it.
Being hated by the people I loved was that much painful that I ended up to hate my own self. Even if I could stand being alone I couldn't accept that sense of loss. I apologized to everybody and I succeed to repair our relationship but that incident became an important factor to my formation.
I'm afraid of being hated by the people. I don't want to experience another time the fear I felt then. I became a person who wants to be loved by everybody. There is a song "Aisareru yori mo aishitai" but in my case it's turned into "Aisuru yori aisaretai". How arrogant. I turned in such an unfair human being.
If I look back, I realize I always lived trying to knock my rough edges off to not being hated. Trying to adapt myself to the majority. The best-sellers books, the hit songs, the number one movies, the fashionable clothes. I said to love all the things that people love. But I didn't loved each and every of them. I lived trying to gain the others' favor. The reason why I do this kind of job has his origins here maybe. The thing that I fear the most is being told "I hate you". But for all this I ended to hate myself. I thought I was a despicable guy.
To cut all my ties with this me right now I'm running towards the extreme opposite. "Let's try to being hated by people". This is an extreme argument but in short I decided that I won't shut up my true self anymore.
A person who behaves only to be loved can be liked but not truly loved. More than be liked by 9 people on 10 I want to become a man that can also be hated by 8 people but who has 2 people who really loves him lot. A man who kills himself for the need of love is not a complete man.
However, this is something that requires an abnormal courage. I first need to surmount my fear of being hated. But I can't go on like this no more. Because right now the one who hates me the most is unmistakable me.
To be loved more than anybody else I must be ready to be also hated by someone. This isn't difficult.
It's only a returning to the junior school time.
That time even if I was hated I was honest with myself. If it was now I'd like to behave better.
Because now I'm an adult.
So let's picture it.
That Tara-chan has become the owner of a Takoyaki shop, Ikura-chan has become the boss of venture company. So Jaian...
I hope. That even if I'm not good at singing I became an idol with personality and charm.
[Note: Those names are all characters from Doraemon]
Maaa～～
This left me with a bitter feeling.
Maybe I should love myself a little more too.
m( _ _)m Thank you Kato-san