(no subject)
It's almost scary how I'm slowly coming out of denial.
I'm stupid. And I'm scared of things I don't understand, especially concerning myself. I don't understand, really, what my whole reason for this craziness is. Part of me is even more scared to try and find out. I could either be a complete idiot under my attempt at common sense, or I could find that, dang it, this freakin makes sense that THAT'S WEIRD TO ME.
I highly doubt the latter will be the case, however.
(When I'm trying to understand myself, I like to talk like I'm smart. Or something. :\)
Feel so stupid, feel so confused. I feel like I have the right answer standing right in front of me and I still keep going, "But, wait, maybe it's not the right answer."
*FAILBOATS*
I know what the smart and decent thing to do is. I feel like I'm standing between two choices, head snapping back and forth to look at both just in case something new reveals itself, still not sure which one I want to choose. I take a couple steps in one direction but then stumble back after a moment of rethinking.
The important thing that this all comes down to is that I have no right. I have no claim, and I hate taking things that don't belong to me, because I know (in many senses) what it's like to have someone steal something from me. I won't do that.
The thing I hate is that once I've mentally admitted something, it's so much harder for me to get over, get rid of. And it seems that I only feel comfortable admitting things I want when I'm surely not going to get them. Like it's safe, for some reason, to just let it go once I know that I have nothing to scew up besides my own head. How many situations have I made worse for myself because I came to a conclusion after things were already over. A new wave of terrible realizations and feelings just drag me back into things.
*sigh*
I'm sick of thiiiiissss.
I'm stupid. And I'm scared of things I don't understand, especially concerning myself. I don't understand, really, what my whole reason for this craziness is. Part of me is even more scared to try and find out. I could either be a complete idiot under my attempt at common sense, or I could find that, dang it, this freakin makes sense that THAT'S WEIRD TO ME.
I highly doubt the latter will be the case, however.
(When I'm trying to understand myself, I like to talk like I'm smart. Or something. :\)
Feel so stupid, feel so confused. I feel like I have the right answer standing right in front of me and I still keep going, "But, wait, maybe it's not the right answer."
*FAILBOATS*
I know what the smart and decent thing to do is. I feel like I'm standing between two choices, head snapping back and forth to look at both just in case something new reveals itself, still not sure which one I want to choose. I take a couple steps in one direction but then stumble back after a moment of rethinking.
The important thing that this all comes down to is that I have no right. I have no claim, and I hate taking things that don't belong to me, because I know (in many senses) what it's like to have someone steal something from me. I won't do that.
The thing I hate is that once I've mentally admitted something, it's so much harder for me to get over, get rid of. And it seems that I only feel comfortable admitting things I want when I'm surely not going to get them. Like it's safe, for some reason, to just let it go once I know that I have nothing to scew up besides my own head. How many situations have I made worse for myself because I came to a conclusion after things were already over. A new wave of terrible realizations and feelings just drag me back into things.
*sigh*
I'm sick of thiiiiissss.