(no subject)
John has a new favorite singer, and I am scared that her status will extend beyond that. I am afraid that I am about to become old news, or that the friendship we have is no longer going to be exciting, or worthwhile, or anything. I am afraid that he will no longer be intersted in being my friend to the degree that he was. I am scared and pessimistic. I want to go home where none of this would be happening, where I would know that I was alone. But I am not quite alone, and that of course gives me something to trepidatiously cling to, forever feeling that at any moment the illusion will crumble. I hate feeling this way. I hate the constant doubt and paranoia. I hate crying wolf. I wish I could either trust, or completely let go of all these ties. Why did I ever have to trust people who would hurt me? Why does everyone always leave? Why do I always succede in driving people away? Why do I have to live like this, or at all? I would seriously like to be in a drugged stupor for a long time--perhaps not the rest of my life. Although, if I knew that I was going to feel like this for all time, I would end things tonight. But I don't know that. And I wont. And I also hate that I am tied to these people, which keeps me around, but I doubt their intentions, or their ability to put up with me, so ultimately, they make me insecure. Why do I have to have been so hurt that I can't trust, when trusting would probably prevent me from getting hurt--because I would not push everyone away. But how can I trust when everyone I have trusted has let me down? And there is the ultimate question: Is my depression actually keeping me safe, or is it keeping me down?