Terms of friendship.
I am sorry that I am human. I am sorry that I told you not to babysit me, without clarifiying that I did need you to listen. Let me state what I need in a friendship in so far as I am able to do so:
I need a friend who can be there when I need them. Whenever I need them.
I need a friend who can listen to me, and who is willing to hold me and tell me things are alright. I need a friend who is willing to take into consideration that I don't do well when I feel like I am on the outside--I am too insecure to be on the outside and not feel rejected. This is mainly because of how I live my life. I don't have an inside and an outside. People are either good enough friends to be on the inside, or they are aquaintainces. So regardless of wether it is true, when I feel there is an inside and an outside, and I feel I am on the outside, then I feel rejected. That is how I am, and I don't think anyone can change this. Expereince has reinforced this notion far too much. So as a friend, there is really only one way around this-- and that is to make sure I feel included. Not everyone can do this--and if it is too much, then that is a friendship that is not going to work for me. And it does not mean that I need to have all the details. But enough needs to be explained to me so that I cannot form unreasonable ideas. I know tat this is a lot to ask. But it's just the way I am. So total honesty is rather important, as is an immense amount of patience. I'm not an easy person to be around. I just don't do well when I am left to think that I am inferioir. And even when you tell me I am not, I admit that I will not always believe you. Again, this is where that patience thing comes into play. I just need to feel included. And like I said, I don't need details, but telling me generally what happened when I was not around, and how you are feeling, well, that helps. I will admit when I am feeling jealous.I will make every effort to be rational and adult about it. But I am a primitive creature. So, I can't actually control all my emotional responses. I will try to tell you when I need help, but in all honesty, if I feel I am being a nusiance, I won't say anything, even in dire circumstances. But, if you are going to be unavailable at certian times, then you have to accept that what happens when you are otherwise disposed is not something you can stop. So things like my cutting ultimately fall back on me, because they are 100% a product my interpretation of how the universe is treating me. So you can live in fear of doing something that will set me off--which I don't reccomend as it is more than enough to make anyone bitter and crusty, or you can simply accept the fact that as a self-abusive sufferer of depression, there are going to be times when I harm myself. You can't stop this. Nothing I ever do is directly traceable to one person or event. You can't assume responsibility for this. It happens. You probably try to prevent it. But no one has failed me in failing to prevent the act. I am sorry that I may have hurt you by commting it, or may have insulted you by not calling you before hand, or asking for your help. When I call, it is a success, in that I feel that the burden of talking me down is less than the triumph of preventing something. But sometimes, for whatever reason, I feel like I am more of a burden, and that the possiblity of my being talked down is not as great as the threat of my being a nusiance. I'm sorry. Please don't take it personally when that happens. I realize that everyone does. And I am sorry, depression has a way of making me into a world of one, and everything else is warped. Being my friend, then, is a lot like being a doctor-- you need immense reserves of patience, you need to be ok with being on call late at night, and you also need to accept that you can't take it personally when the patient dosent get better. Because what I need from my friends is friendship. Let my real doctors and myself deal with the worst of the depression. My friends (those of you who have been, and those of you who will still want to be after reading this) do so much to make me happy-- I gain so much by contact with you all. But you cannot make me happy--it is more that I enjoy your company. You cannot make me sad-- sadness, even with depression, is on some level, a choice. I am not sure I have said anything worthwhile here, but I have tried to explain some of myself, and some of my disease. I realize I need more help than I am currently receiving. I know you are all concerned. I will seek it when I am ready. The most any of you can do in this department is remind me that you want me to get help because it hurts you to see me hurting. That does get to me. But there are many things I fear about seeking treatment, one being that it will not work. I will seek help soon. Because I am scared, when I am feeling rational, of driving everyone away. One can only stand by so long while a friend is hurting before one gives up--in self defence. I'm babblng. And I have a chemistry test that I am going to fail. I am not sure I am up to studying right now. But doing well on the testwould help me to feel better.
I need a friend who can be there when I need them. Whenever I need them.
I need a friend who can listen to me, and who is willing to hold me and tell me things are alright. I need a friend who is willing to take into consideration that I don't do well when I feel like I am on the outside--I am too insecure to be on the outside and not feel rejected. This is mainly because of how I live my life. I don't have an inside and an outside. People are either good enough friends to be on the inside, or they are aquaintainces. So regardless of wether it is true, when I feel there is an inside and an outside, and I feel I am on the outside, then I feel rejected. That is how I am, and I don't think anyone can change this. Expereince has reinforced this notion far too much. So as a friend, there is really only one way around this-- and that is to make sure I feel included. Not everyone can do this--and if it is too much, then that is a friendship that is not going to work for me. And it does not mean that I need to have all the details. But enough needs to be explained to me so that I cannot form unreasonable ideas. I know tat this is a lot to ask. But it's just the way I am. So total honesty is rather important, as is an immense amount of patience. I'm not an easy person to be around. I just don't do well when I am left to think that I am inferioir. And even when you tell me I am not, I admit that I will not always believe you. Again, this is where that patience thing comes into play. I just need to feel included. And like I said, I don't need details, but telling me generally what happened when I was not around, and how you are feeling, well, that helps. I will admit when I am feeling jealous.I will make every effort to be rational and adult about it. But I am a primitive creature. So, I can't actually control all my emotional responses. I will try to tell you when I need help, but in all honesty, if I feel I am being a nusiance, I won't say anything, even in dire circumstances. But, if you are going to be unavailable at certian times, then you have to accept that what happens when you are otherwise disposed is not something you can stop. So things like my cutting ultimately fall back on me, because they are 100% a product my interpretation of how the universe is treating me. So you can live in fear of doing something that will set me off--which I don't reccomend as it is more than enough to make anyone bitter and crusty, or you can simply accept the fact that as a self-abusive sufferer of depression, there are going to be times when I harm myself. You can't stop this. Nothing I ever do is directly traceable to one person or event. You can't assume responsibility for this. It happens. You probably try to prevent it. But no one has failed me in failing to prevent the act. I am sorry that I may have hurt you by commting it, or may have insulted you by not calling you before hand, or asking for your help. When I call, it is a success, in that I feel that the burden of talking me down is less than the triumph of preventing something. But sometimes, for whatever reason, I feel like I am more of a burden, and that the possiblity of my being talked down is not as great as the threat of my being a nusiance. I'm sorry. Please don't take it personally when that happens. I realize that everyone does. And I am sorry, depression has a way of making me into a world of one, and everything else is warped. Being my friend, then, is a lot like being a doctor-- you need immense reserves of patience, you need to be ok with being on call late at night, and you also need to accept that you can't take it personally when the patient dosent get better. Because what I need from my friends is friendship. Let my real doctors and myself deal with the worst of the depression. My friends (those of you who have been, and those of you who will still want to be after reading this) do so much to make me happy-- I gain so much by contact with you all. But you cannot make me happy--it is more that I enjoy your company. You cannot make me sad-- sadness, even with depression, is on some level, a choice. I am not sure I have said anything worthwhile here, but I have tried to explain some of myself, and some of my disease. I realize I need more help than I am currently receiving. I know you are all concerned. I will seek it when I am ready. The most any of you can do in this department is remind me that you want me to get help because it hurts you to see me hurting. That does get to me. But there are many things I fear about seeking treatment, one being that it will not work. I will seek help soon. Because I am scared, when I am feeling rational, of driving everyone away. One can only stand by so long while a friend is hurting before one gives up--in self defence. I'm babblng. And I have a chemistry test that I am going to fail. I am not sure I am up to studying right now. But doing well on the testwould help me to feel better.