We'll get to that later...
Route 24 is my crying highway. It has been since college. I would say that about 40% of the time I'm on 24 I'm crying. I whole heartedly admit that about 10% of that time it was/is over something stupid but the rest of the time I personally feel like its legitimate.
I remember the day my mom died. she died really early in the morning and we all gathered at Nana's house all the immediate family and Jarrad who had turned up at my house as we were leaving to go to Nana's. We all sat in the kitchen, doing all the things that you do when a loved one dies. and then we all went our separate ways and i remembered that I was neurotic and needed to go to UMass and pack all my junk up since it was the end of my first semester there. And for some reason I had to go that day. Jarrad came with me and I remember not crying andI don't think we said a word the whole way there except for when we stopped in Charlton and he stated that he was getting me food cause he wouldn't let me not eat. We did what needed to be done at UMass and headed home, and I was silent and in shock and just drove silently and tear less until we got off the pike and hit 24 and I just cried. Not hysterically or anything but it happened when we got on that road.
As the years passed I shed many a tear on that road; out of hurt while driving and being called selfish and self centered and being told that my priorities were fucked up, out of frustration when things weren't going right at the theatre, and today, out of anger. They are taking me away from my kids.
At work I am being moved to a new classroom. New kids, new staff, new schedule, new behavior plans, new everything. You are supposed to be in the same classroom, with the same kids, with the same staff from july 1st to june 30th. Then the new school year starts and all necessary changes are made. I am on my third classroom, third head teacher and third group of kids in the last 4 months. They are moving me out of convenience. They are moving me because they don't want to deal the issues that are around us. They are moving me because I'm a good teacher.
I've spent the last 20 months with 2 little boys (amongst others who have moved out of my classroom to go to other schools or other classrooms that are more appropriate). when crazy girl left these 2 were left with me because I was a stable teacher in their lives. I was what they needed as they transitioned to have new staff and new kids around them. These 2 boys, Billy and Sterlin. Billy who on the day I went on my interview plopped himself down in my lap on the playground and took my hand and led me inside when recess was over. Sterlin who is the most lovable, adorable, entertaining, and just special little boy i've ever met in my life. 20 months of basket holds, of temper tantrums,of behavior plans, of teaching wrong from right and right from wrong. 20 months of smiles, and giggles, and games of 'gotcha". 20 months of finding magazines that Billy will like and trying to figure out what videos Sterlin watches on MTV. 20 months of studying these kids and learning everything about them...likes, dislikes, what sterlin wants when he says " gotcha" and why Billy is choosing this moment to have a tantrum.All gone in a minute.
These kids are little and autistic. They have such a hard time processing change and have been through so much of it already I can't believe that the administration would put them through it again. Most of my anger lies in the fact that the administration have had this idea of change in their heads for at least a month and have said nothing to me. Until yesterday. A week before it will all go down. They did not say a goddam word until yesterday when I was told " You're moving classrooms. You have no choice, no say,no anything. This is what's happening. deal with it" I feel completely,for lack of a better word, non respected ( I don' even know if that is a word..i know disrespected is, but I feel something different than that). I feel like they have themselves on such a hierarchy and see me as a little peon who they can just toss around from room to room at their convenience. I have never in my life felt so unappreciated as I have the last 2 days. I feel like everything I have done and worked out has been completely disregarded.
This whole thing may not seem like such a big deal to some of you and I can understand that. You may say "so go and help some other kids too" Its not that easy. I can't explain it, but its not.
I'm the type of person who does anything that is asked of her no matter how big or small of a favor or task it is. And I am always the person who gets shit on and hurt time and time again.... At work, at home, in life.
They always say what doesn't kill you will make you stronger.
With all due respect, I'm strong enough.
It's 2am and I'm rambling like a fool. Despite everything that I've said here I am and will be ok. I just needed to get that out.
I remember the day my mom died. she died really early in the morning and we all gathered at Nana's house all the immediate family and Jarrad who had turned up at my house as we were leaving to go to Nana's. We all sat in the kitchen, doing all the things that you do when a loved one dies. and then we all went our separate ways and i remembered that I was neurotic and needed to go to UMass and pack all my junk up since it was the end of my first semester there. And for some reason I had to go that day. Jarrad came with me and I remember not crying andI don't think we said a word the whole way there except for when we stopped in Charlton and he stated that he was getting me food cause he wouldn't let me not eat. We did what needed to be done at UMass and headed home, and I was silent and in shock and just drove silently and tear less until we got off the pike and hit 24 and I just cried. Not hysterically or anything but it happened when we got on that road.
As the years passed I shed many a tear on that road; out of hurt while driving and being called selfish and self centered and being told that my priorities were fucked up, out of frustration when things weren't going right at the theatre, and today, out of anger. They are taking me away from my kids.
At work I am being moved to a new classroom. New kids, new staff, new schedule, new behavior plans, new everything. You are supposed to be in the same classroom, with the same kids, with the same staff from july 1st to june 30th. Then the new school year starts and all necessary changes are made. I am on my third classroom, third head teacher and third group of kids in the last 4 months. They are moving me out of convenience. They are moving me because they don't want to deal the issues that are around us. They are moving me because I'm a good teacher.
I've spent the last 20 months with 2 little boys (amongst others who have moved out of my classroom to go to other schools or other classrooms that are more appropriate). when crazy girl left these 2 were left with me because I was a stable teacher in their lives. I was what they needed as they transitioned to have new staff and new kids around them. These 2 boys, Billy and Sterlin. Billy who on the day I went on my interview plopped himself down in my lap on the playground and took my hand and led me inside when recess was over. Sterlin who is the most lovable, adorable, entertaining, and just special little boy i've ever met in my life. 20 months of basket holds, of temper tantrums,of behavior plans, of teaching wrong from right and right from wrong. 20 months of smiles, and giggles, and games of 'gotcha". 20 months of finding magazines that Billy will like and trying to figure out what videos Sterlin watches on MTV. 20 months of studying these kids and learning everything about them...likes, dislikes, what sterlin wants when he says " gotcha" and why Billy is choosing this moment to have a tantrum.All gone in a minute.
These kids are little and autistic. They have such a hard time processing change and have been through so much of it already I can't believe that the administration would put them through it again. Most of my anger lies in the fact that the administration have had this idea of change in their heads for at least a month and have said nothing to me. Until yesterday. A week before it will all go down. They did not say a goddam word until yesterday when I was told " You're moving classrooms. You have no choice, no say,no anything. This is what's happening. deal with it" I feel completely,for lack of a better word, non respected ( I don' even know if that is a word..i know disrespected is, but I feel something different than that). I feel like they have themselves on such a hierarchy and see me as a little peon who they can just toss around from room to room at their convenience. I have never in my life felt so unappreciated as I have the last 2 days. I feel like everything I have done and worked out has been completely disregarded.
This whole thing may not seem like such a big deal to some of you and I can understand that. You may say "so go and help some other kids too" Its not that easy. I can't explain it, but its not.
I'm the type of person who does anything that is asked of her no matter how big or small of a favor or task it is. And I am always the person who gets shit on and hurt time and time again.... At work, at home, in life.
They always say what doesn't kill you will make you stronger.
With all due respect, I'm strong enough.
It's 2am and I'm rambling like a fool. Despite everything that I've said here I am and will be ok. I just needed to get that out.