The South will rise... some other day.
Maybe I'm just feeling excessively catty today, but... I've gotta share.
While reading the news this morning, I happened to stumble across a Wired Auto Blog Entry commenting on the latest offering from the "Confederate Motor Company", an outfit apparently specializing in taking perfectly good aluminum blocks and machining them into motorized edifices of absolute horror.
I suppose it's perfectly possible that you might see that machine and not be horrified by it. I'll be the first to admit that art is in the eye of the beholder, and I guess there might be some novelty enjoyment to be had in riding around on something that looks like a cross between a garlic press and a retractable landing gear strut. Not to mention the "oooh, shiny!" power that brushed metal wields, effortlessly and ruthlessly crushing better artistic judgment. (Particularly when said metal is combined with black trim.) Everyone still thinks the "Back to the Future" Delorean was cool, and Apple "oooohs and aaahhs" literally millions of people with their modern-day reinterpretations of the Radio Shack TRS-80. Still, personally... if I had $110,000 to spend on a leisure item I'd think long and hard before spending it on something that looks suspiciously like it could be Megatron's detachable penis. (Particularly when it's equipped with a saddle that looks like it'd do more damage to your ass then an actual ride on Megatron's penis would.)
Anyway, though, I guess I'm getting off track here. Fool that I was I clicked on the link leading to Confederate Motor's website. It's... positively flabbergasting. Not the motorcycles themselves, of course. Their three available models are just similarly ridiculous assemblages of machined aluminum tubes, and once you've seen one you've seen them all. What's positively stunning is the ad copy used to describe the machines and the company itself. Here's a few examples from the description of the "C120 Renaissance Fighter" page:
"The Fighter clarifies opaqueness and nullifies hype with straight-forward true to concept certitude..."
"Geometry is optimized for the medium and/or long disciplined journey of sensory heightened motion..."
"The saddle of the Fighter is your place for those outings which require extended time, geography, meditation, and distance. Personal liberation will result!"
It's simply jaw dropping. Positive-newspeak gobbledygook at its finest. Possibly the best expression of their eloquence is the company's "Our Value System" statement. I mean... seriously. This entire website is what you'd get if a pretentious modern art critic carrying a portfolio of Successories posters collided with an MBA toting a laptop displaying the Dilbert Mission Statement Generator, and the whole mess fell into one of those Watch It Shred! machines. Just pipe the runoff straight into Dreamweaver, and wham! The perfect website for selling something designed to appeal to people who suffer from grievously low self-esteem despite their multi-million-dollar bank accounts.
Seriously, does anyone really talk or think like this *without* sporting a lobotomy scar? I can just imagine Cy-Kill firing his publicist for writing drivel like this.
"The Renegade Fighter clarifies opaqueness and nullifies hype with straight-forward true to concept certitude... At his heart, the biological brain integration deploys yang energy, vitality, and power in the most simple, pure, and direct form..."
Really makes the business case for his evolutionary brand gestalt, don't it?
Sheesh.
While reading the news this morning, I happened to stumble across a Wired Auto Blog Entry commenting on the latest offering from the "Confederate Motor Company", an outfit apparently specializing in taking perfectly good aluminum blocks and machining them into motorized edifices of absolute horror.
I suppose it's perfectly possible that you might see that machine and not be horrified by it. I'll be the first to admit that art is in the eye of the beholder, and I guess there might be some novelty enjoyment to be had in riding around on something that looks like a cross between a garlic press and a retractable landing gear strut. Not to mention the "oooh, shiny!" power that brushed metal wields, effortlessly and ruthlessly crushing better artistic judgment. (Particularly when said metal is combined with black trim.) Everyone still thinks the "Back to the Future" Delorean was cool, and Apple "oooohs and aaahhs" literally millions of people with their modern-day reinterpretations of the Radio Shack TRS-80. Still, personally... if I had $110,000 to spend on a leisure item I'd think long and hard before spending it on something that looks suspiciously like it could be Megatron's detachable penis. (Particularly when it's equipped with a saddle that looks like it'd do more damage to your ass then an actual ride on Megatron's penis would.)
Anyway, though, I guess I'm getting off track here. Fool that I was I clicked on the link leading to Confederate Motor's website. It's... positively flabbergasting. Not the motorcycles themselves, of course. Their three available models are just similarly ridiculous assemblages of machined aluminum tubes, and once you've seen one you've seen them all. What's positively stunning is the ad copy used to describe the machines and the company itself. Here's a few examples from the description of the "C120 Renaissance Fighter" page:
"The Fighter clarifies opaqueness and nullifies hype with straight-forward true to concept certitude..."
"Geometry is optimized for the medium and/or long disciplined journey of sensory heightened motion..."
"The saddle of the Fighter is your place for those outings which require extended time, geography, meditation, and distance. Personal liberation will result!"
It's simply jaw dropping. Positive-newspeak gobbledygook at its finest. Possibly the best expression of their eloquence is the company's "Our Value System" statement. I mean... seriously. This entire website is what you'd get if a pretentious modern art critic carrying a portfolio of Successories posters collided with an MBA toting a laptop displaying the Dilbert Mission Statement Generator, and the whole mess fell into one of those Watch It Shred! machines. Just pipe the runoff straight into Dreamweaver, and wham! The perfect website for selling something designed to appeal to people who suffer from grievously low self-esteem despite their multi-million-dollar bank accounts.
Seriously, does anyone really talk or think like this *without* sporting a lobotomy scar? I can just imagine Cy-Kill firing his publicist for writing drivel like this.
"The Renegade Fighter clarifies opaqueness and nullifies hype with straight-forward true to concept certitude... At his heart, the biological brain integration deploys yang energy, vitality, and power in the most simple, pure, and direct form..."
Really makes the business case for his evolutionary brand gestalt, don't it?
Sheesh.