(no subject)
Life's been something, lately. The house feels like it's getting more and less finished at the same time. We've been tearing down walls downstairs and putting holes in the upstairs bathroom, so we can fix plumbing and change rooms around. The ultimate goal downstairs is to turn a couple of closets into a stand-alone room, and make the entrance a secret door hidden in a bookshelf, complete with pulling a book to get in. For now it's just a great big heap of drywall and busted out framing.
We've got holiday lights up, which makes the place feel like home, and the kitchen finally feels "moved in" with the new cabinets. Not all is well in paradise, though. Someone stole our mail a few weeks back, and last night there was a shooting nearby--maybe as close as across the street, in a church parking lot. That's my guess anyway. So I'm not sure how safe it really is here. Crime rates are low but I sorta miss Bellevue yuppieland, now. Work is fun, it's nice being somewhere that slows down around the holidays instead of speeding up. Lost a coworker I liked a lot though, he left for larger things. We were already understaffed in the engineering department. +job security, -productivity.
Birthday was yesterday! Celebrated a joint birthday with a close friend whose birthday was on the 14th. That was really nice...very low key. Got some cool shinies for gifts, like these little tiny light thingamabobs...just the size of a couple watch batteries with LEDs that light up when they get jostled. Fun to play with. Got some gaming equipment set up too, I can get back in the Dance Dance Revolution habit which should help with losing some weight.
We're doing a Yule ritual pretty soon, just a very small thing with close friends. I'm looking forwards to it. We finally have a house where we can do that kind of thing. Also have a convention I'm headed to in Portland in a couple months that is pretty exciting, it'll be good to hang out with folks.
Beyond that...I don't know, it's rougher than it should be. It's hard to admit that I've had a hell of a lot of suicidal ideation lately. It comes out of the blue. As much as things are stable right now, it still feels like I'm a massive screwup. Knowing that it's chemical doesn't help, and it's been worse lately for no good reason. Being able to open up to Jen helps, but only so much, and...it hurts seeing how scared she is. I've talked about getting myself committed, but I'm not sure it would do much good. Most of the time, I'm fine. When it suddenly all comes crashing down, I'm just...not, and nothing's going to change that.
Not sure where to go from here. Sometimes, living a day at a time is enough, and sometimes it's not. Just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
We've got holiday lights up, which makes the place feel like home, and the kitchen finally feels "moved in" with the new cabinets. Not all is well in paradise, though. Someone stole our mail a few weeks back, and last night there was a shooting nearby--maybe as close as across the street, in a church parking lot. That's my guess anyway. So I'm not sure how safe it really is here. Crime rates are low but I sorta miss Bellevue yuppieland, now. Work is fun, it's nice being somewhere that slows down around the holidays instead of speeding up. Lost a coworker I liked a lot though, he left for larger things. We were already understaffed in the engineering department. +job security, -productivity.
Birthday was yesterday! Celebrated a joint birthday with a close friend whose birthday was on the 14th. That was really nice...very low key. Got some cool shinies for gifts, like these little tiny light thingamabobs...just the size of a couple watch batteries with LEDs that light up when they get jostled. Fun to play with. Got some gaming equipment set up too, I can get back in the Dance Dance Revolution habit which should help with losing some weight.
We're doing a Yule ritual pretty soon, just a very small thing with close friends. I'm looking forwards to it. We finally have a house where we can do that kind of thing. Also have a convention I'm headed to in Portland in a couple months that is pretty exciting, it'll be good to hang out with folks.
Beyond that...I don't know, it's rougher than it should be. It's hard to admit that I've had a hell of a lot of suicidal ideation lately. It comes out of the blue. As much as things are stable right now, it still feels like I'm a massive screwup. Knowing that it's chemical doesn't help, and it's been worse lately for no good reason. Being able to open up to Jen helps, but only so much, and...it hurts seeing how scared she is. I've talked about getting myself committed, but I'm not sure it would do much good. Most of the time, I'm fine. When it suddenly all comes crashing down, I'm just...not, and nothing's going to change that.
Not sure where to go from here. Sometimes, living a day at a time is enough, and sometimes it's not. Just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other.