(no subject)
Trying to write this out while I still can, one way or another. I'm recovering from depression very quickly, and that's scary.
For a very long time I've been taking pills for bipolar and for depression. Whenever I miss taking them, it messes me up pretty bad, so I know they have an effect. A couple weeks ago I ran out of the depression pills unexpectedly and had no refills left, and it took a week to get an appointment for more. And during that time...I felt better than I've felt in years. When I talked to my psychiatrist, she told me that some bipolar people have a reversed effect from antidepressants, and it seems like I might be one of them.
It's been another week, and I've been off the antidepressants, still on the bipolar treatment, and I still feel great. In a few ways it resembles a manic episode--I can focus better, colors are more vivid, but I feel in control for once and it just keeps getting better every day. Still have a few of the anxiety attacks that come with the territory, but they're not constant like they are when I'm manic. I'm coming to believe that this is what "normal" feels like, and it's great.
The scary part is worrying that maybe it is just a manic episode. If it is, then it feels like a sign that this is the best life will get, and only for a couple weeks every year or two. Don't think I can deal with that. Every day this keeps up though, I lose a little more fear. Sometimes I can still feel the drag, like walking through a fog that doesn't quite want to let go, but it doesn't take over and I can push it away completely much of the time.
I'm learning some interesting things about the differences between a depression-fogged mind and one that isn't. In the days right after running out of antidepressants, I decided that I needed to reframe my problems as something more specific--instead of saying I'm depressed, I should say I'm out of energy, or feeling powerless. Reframing the narrative has helped keep me in good shape, but I'm also realizing that the act of reframing is not something I could have done while I was still suffering from depression. I can kind of see where I was before now, and see how this change of attitude would have helped, but I just don't think it would have been possible while I was still on those pills. Every day that I spend recovering is also another step farther from being able to comprehend the depressed state of mind. It feels alien.
I must remind myself that my luck in escaping does not mean others can do so as easily. Self loathing used to be a major emotion, and I can kick it now, but I don't think that any philosophical change is what allows me to do it. Depression kept me from believing in a better world, and prevented me from putting things behind me. I had a lot of specific ideas about what the neurochemistry was doing, how it changes the brain, but I'm already losing them from not writing them down... my head is already functioning so much different than it did before. Again, depression is as literally incomprehensible now as normal life was before.
Holding onto hope. Wish me the best.
For a very long time I've been taking pills for bipolar and for depression. Whenever I miss taking them, it messes me up pretty bad, so I know they have an effect. A couple weeks ago I ran out of the depression pills unexpectedly and had no refills left, and it took a week to get an appointment for more. And during that time...I felt better than I've felt in years. When I talked to my psychiatrist, she told me that some bipolar people have a reversed effect from antidepressants, and it seems like I might be one of them.
It's been another week, and I've been off the antidepressants, still on the bipolar treatment, and I still feel great. In a few ways it resembles a manic episode--I can focus better, colors are more vivid, but I feel in control for once and it just keeps getting better every day. Still have a few of the anxiety attacks that come with the territory, but they're not constant like they are when I'm manic. I'm coming to believe that this is what "normal" feels like, and it's great.
The scary part is worrying that maybe it is just a manic episode. If it is, then it feels like a sign that this is the best life will get, and only for a couple weeks every year or two. Don't think I can deal with that. Every day this keeps up though, I lose a little more fear. Sometimes I can still feel the drag, like walking through a fog that doesn't quite want to let go, but it doesn't take over and I can push it away completely much of the time.
I'm learning some interesting things about the differences between a depression-fogged mind and one that isn't. In the days right after running out of antidepressants, I decided that I needed to reframe my problems as something more specific--instead of saying I'm depressed, I should say I'm out of energy, or feeling powerless. Reframing the narrative has helped keep me in good shape, but I'm also realizing that the act of reframing is not something I could have done while I was still suffering from depression. I can kind of see where I was before now, and see how this change of attitude would have helped, but I just don't think it would have been possible while I was still on those pills. Every day that I spend recovering is also another step farther from being able to comprehend the depressed state of mind. It feels alien.
I must remind myself that my luck in escaping does not mean others can do so as easily. Self loathing used to be a major emotion, and I can kick it now, but I don't think that any philosophical change is what allows me to do it. Depression kept me from believing in a better world, and prevented me from putting things behind me. I had a lot of specific ideas about what the neurochemistry was doing, how it changes the brain, but I'm already losing them from not writing them down... my head is already functioning so much different than it did before. Again, depression is as literally incomprehensible now as normal life was before.
Holding onto hope. Wish me the best.