This can be skipped over
Today was a pretty weird day. I applied for shift captain position at my work a couple months ago, because alec suggested I should. I look up to Alec a lot. Well Tina told me a couple days ago that for the time being, because I'm pregnant and "hormonal" , I would not be one. But when I gave birth I would be.
It really shouldn't be that big of a deal at all. You don't get paid more or anything.
Today we had a meeting at 8am. I got there the meeting started and they called out all the trainers and shift captains. Apparently I'm not even a trainer. Which makes me feel like shit. There's this girl Charita and she's only been there a couple months, I've been there a year!
I just feel very under-appreciated. I know I've been rude with customers a time or two. Not very often. I'm not the only one. This girl Rachel that works there is a complete bitch to everybody and she's a fucking captain. There's not one person that I haven't heard complain about her. She's a good worker though.
I thought I was too. Always picking up shifts, even entering my 7th month of pregnancy, I'm still there going strong.
I guess I didn't realize how strongly it would effect me until they pulled everybody to the table and then had a meeting with only those people. And it's like, "I've been here for a while too, I'd like to think my opinion matters."
But it doesn't, what was I really expecting?
And it's like everybody goes out together. I don't, obviously I'm pregnant. Pregnancy is a blessing and I love Jordan, but seeing all my friends and co-workers go out and do the things I love to do sucks. I want a fucking drink.
But, of course, I want a healthy baby more.
And then, it's like I just saw more for myself then this. I just want to go back to school, but I don't even have a fucking car. I'm going to have to tote my baby around on a sling all the damn time. Asking Lindsey for a ride when most of the time I hate hanging out with her.
Other friends, that I like being around, are there for me. I appreciate it so much. They are truly great.
But I pride myself on being independent. Mel told me at work today that I just didn't like accepting help from anybody. Because I told her people treated me like I was handicapped and I felt under-appreciated. She's right though. I don't like accepting help. I see it as being thought of as incompetent. At work anyway. It's just sad that there are some things I won't be able to do for my baby, without the help of others.
I usually don't get down on myself but tonight I totally am. It sucks. I'm usually pretty good at keeping my chin up, but I guess hormones get the best of anybody.
I just want to sleep until I give birth and have my body back. My emotions back. Even though I have to devote my life to my little girl, it'll be alright. I want to take care of her, I want to give her the best I can, I just fear that I'll never improve or have anything better to give her.
I'm the only person that can make things better for myself, and I'd like to think I'm on the right path. I'm working, moving to a better apartment. I can't pull a car out of my ass, so there's nothing I can do about that. I just need to figure out a plan to get me and Jordan out of this lower class life style. Preferably without joining the military. I know school's easy to attend, it's just getting there. UGH I get so fucking pissed off that some people have everything in life. Just straight up handed to them. and Yeah "you'll appreciate it more if you work for it". Yeah, ok just shut the fuck up.
Everything I go to say is just something negative and whiny. "Why don't I have this, why don't I have that, why does THAT person get things so much easier than me?" boo hoo hoo. I've done better at appreciating the things I have in life. I'm not poor, I have food and a place to live. I just feel so pathetic and I HATE feeling that way. I like to think I'm strong. I just don't want to be a dried up old hag of a mom, who smokes a pack a day and still works in fast food and hates my life. Always wondering, "What if I'd applied myself better."
I just want to know I have another chance at school and making my life better. For me and my child.
It really shouldn't be that big of a deal at all. You don't get paid more or anything.
Today we had a meeting at 8am. I got there the meeting started and they called out all the trainers and shift captains. Apparently I'm not even a trainer. Which makes me feel like shit. There's this girl Charita and she's only been there a couple months, I've been there a year!
I just feel very under-appreciated. I know I've been rude with customers a time or two. Not very often. I'm not the only one. This girl Rachel that works there is a complete bitch to everybody and she's a fucking captain. There's not one person that I haven't heard complain about her. She's a good worker though.
I thought I was too. Always picking up shifts, even entering my 7th month of pregnancy, I'm still there going strong.
I guess I didn't realize how strongly it would effect me until they pulled everybody to the table and then had a meeting with only those people. And it's like, "I've been here for a while too, I'd like to think my opinion matters."
But it doesn't, what was I really expecting?
And it's like everybody goes out together. I don't, obviously I'm pregnant. Pregnancy is a blessing and I love Jordan, but seeing all my friends and co-workers go out and do the things I love to do sucks. I want a fucking drink.
But, of course, I want a healthy baby more.
And then, it's like I just saw more for myself then this. I just want to go back to school, but I don't even have a fucking car. I'm going to have to tote my baby around on a sling all the damn time. Asking Lindsey for a ride when most of the time I hate hanging out with her.
Other friends, that I like being around, are there for me. I appreciate it so much. They are truly great.
But I pride myself on being independent. Mel told me at work today that I just didn't like accepting help from anybody. Because I told her people treated me like I was handicapped and I felt under-appreciated. She's right though. I don't like accepting help. I see it as being thought of as incompetent. At work anyway. It's just sad that there are some things I won't be able to do for my baby, without the help of others.
I usually don't get down on myself but tonight I totally am. It sucks. I'm usually pretty good at keeping my chin up, but I guess hormones get the best of anybody.
I just want to sleep until I give birth and have my body back. My emotions back. Even though I have to devote my life to my little girl, it'll be alright. I want to take care of her, I want to give her the best I can, I just fear that I'll never improve or have anything better to give her.
I'm the only person that can make things better for myself, and I'd like to think I'm on the right path. I'm working, moving to a better apartment. I can't pull a car out of my ass, so there's nothing I can do about that. I just need to figure out a plan to get me and Jordan out of this lower class life style. Preferably without joining the military. I know school's easy to attend, it's just getting there. UGH I get so fucking pissed off that some people have everything in life. Just straight up handed to them. and Yeah "you'll appreciate it more if you work for it". Yeah, ok just shut the fuck up.
Everything I go to say is just something negative and whiny. "Why don't I have this, why don't I have that, why does THAT person get things so much easier than me?" boo hoo hoo. I've done better at appreciating the things I have in life. I'm not poor, I have food and a place to live. I just feel so pathetic and I HATE feeling that way. I like to think I'm strong. I just don't want to be a dried up old hag of a mom, who smokes a pack a day and still works in fast food and hates my life. Always wondering, "What if I'd applied myself better."
I just want to know I have another chance at school and making my life better. For me and my child.