Why is it?
...that even now, in my heart of hearts, as I get better at acknowledging to myself what I really want, recognizing it is at least closer now than it ever yet has been in my life - what I really want to do, how I really want to live...
...that I still struggle with the muster to get outside, go up the hill, and do it?
It makes me feel a whole new kind of useless I've not felt before.
I don't know what to do with it.
I don't know how to transmute it.
The only thing I have an inkling of a feeling about what might help, is to have help, to share in it...
But everyone has their own dreams and place in life and I can't beg anyone into mine.
And I am able/capable of working alone, sometimes its even more efficient.
So the best I can do right now is to just chip away at it, little by little, when I can muster the energy, and/or when I've built up enough internal guilt apparently that my conscious forces me into some willing action.
Its not all bad though, I think the lesson herein is that, moving more slowly, if I pay attention well, will give me more opportunity to learn better to work with my surroundings, instead of any futile race of beating it back every year and hardly moving forward.
I try to focus on that, instead of any sense of dread over not accomplishing what I really want to do.
If there is anything I've learned in my life thus far, its that usually any building sense of "stuckness", or "futility" or "dread" and questioning, is usually a catalyst that winds up seeing me push through to achievement in the end.
Here's hoping.
...that I still struggle with the muster to get outside, go up the hill, and do it?
It makes me feel a whole new kind of useless I've not felt before.
I don't know what to do with it.
I don't know how to transmute it.
The only thing I have an inkling of a feeling about what might help, is to have help, to share in it...
But everyone has their own dreams and place in life and I can't beg anyone into mine.
And I am able/capable of working alone, sometimes its even more efficient.
So the best I can do right now is to just chip away at it, little by little, when I can muster the energy, and/or when I've built up enough internal guilt apparently that my conscious forces me into some willing action.
Its not all bad though, I think the lesson herein is that, moving more slowly, if I pay attention well, will give me more opportunity to learn better to work with my surroundings, instead of any futile race of beating it back every year and hardly moving forward.
I try to focus on that, instead of any sense of dread over not accomplishing what I really want to do.
If there is anything I've learned in my life thus far, its that usually any building sense of "stuckness", or "futility" or "dread" and questioning, is usually a catalyst that winds up seeing me push through to achievement in the end.
Here's hoping.