There's something to this...
Had to revive the old LJ once again to work out these thoughts.
Current status?
Same as most everyone right now: Under "Stay at Home", Self Isolation, "Social Distancing", Quarantine orders as the Covid-19 Coronavirus spreads around the globe.
So far its a bit of nod to "a boring dystopia" - in that we're not handling and/or fixing things as well as we really could be. But its also not "as bad" as the worst, overly dramaticized, hollywood, armageddon/zombie-pandemic flick would have amped people up to believe.
This new pattern that has been adapted into the days (and pattern is a word I'm using VERY loosely here), is something I've been trying to suss out my thoughts and feelings on since it all started a little over a month ago. Of course I've read so many other's thoughts and feelings about it over this period of time. Usually I'm at least empathetic enough that I find something I can related to therein. But nothing has quite summed it up for me it seems, so I'm trying to work that out now for my mind's sake.
First of all, Time.
Days bleed into one another. A month simultaneously crawls and flies by.
In some respects I'm no stranger to the blur because the first half of my life was mostly that of being an introverted homeschooler.
Yes, I can be at home in this.
Not accounting for time feels more natural to me.
...Or a least not HAVING to doggedly, out of obligation, account for it.
Certainly it takes some sensations of "pressure" off of my otherwise normally planning mind-state - always thinking of "and then the next thing, and then the next thing!"
That being said, the pressure isn't wholly gone, it's just been amalgamated into a different sort that wonders whether I should actually be thinking more like, "and then the next thing, and then the next thing!" than I currently am? ...While also having to admit to myself that I really just don't want to.
So secondly, Ambition.
Recurring thoughts of "Am I lazier than I want to admit even to myself? Is that more my true and desired default nature?"
I read plenty of things talking about how psychologically and physically processing discord, trauma, change, extreme events such as what is impacting the world right now, can in fact lead people to sort of "shut down" in a way... and all say that is a normal response for some people, and therefore it is ok.
And I have had - at least earlier on in this great unknown - some occasional moments of panic, thoughts
running away with me, even leading to a couple instances of psychosomatic sensations I had to work to talk myself back out of.
But my processing about this whole situation largely has NOT been what I've observed more predominantly in numbers of others - neither on the fearful/panic side, the overly watchful side, the take-it-on-the-chin side, the denial side, the get busy/stay busy side, the "helper" side, the hopeful/cheerleader side etc...
None of it quite captures wherever it is I'm finding myself.
Side note: I am aware that I'm fortunate in having managed to be in a living situation at present, which has privileged me with not needing to worry as immediately about basic survival on a daily basis as many are. So I acknowledge there is luxury even in getting to reflect on any of this to such a capacity! But I owe no apologies for that - my chips fell as they did through the ongoing process of life's work at living, and what myself and family have just managed to eke out in all of it. And I am very grateful for it.
...I have kicked myself a bit for not "making more of" this time in ways I know I could...
But the moment those thoughts sneak in I'm also quick to shoot back at them a strong self-reminder - along the lines of, "Everything in its own time! Don't rush, push, force anything. There is no NEED! Instead, work with desire, and work with joy."
So rather than lazy, does this just make me "slowly ambitious"?
I've said to people "I'm moving on snail time during this pandemic".
I attach no bad or good to that, it just is what it is.
I do feel a bit disconnected in a way.
But not in a lost and lonely way... because I don't find that I'm merely "trying to get through this".
So I suppose I may be no more disconnected than I normally am, because I normally don't prefer most of the machinations of what is supposed to constitute "normal society" anyhow.
So the "disconnect" I have now is more from not feeling the mourning that many others feel.
I feel mourning for the lives lost, absolutely.
I feel mourning even more so for how much maybe could have been prevented with better planning and organization, and better leaders at the helm.
I feel mourning for everyone struggling to get by right now, and those who already had to struggle more and so now are having to struggle twice as hard.
Mainly mourning the state of the world's many inequities that amplify all of the above!
...But I also know I HAVE to let go all of that which is beyond my own control.
What I am not mourning is some "every day life" being suspended.
In fact my most recent and strong surge of stress in any of this, was when my mother in law was discussing with me the plans now laid for states to slowly start "opening back up".
Why?
Why did I suddenly feel so much upset inside of me about that?
Some little bit of it was the feeling that the risks inherent with this disease are still too great, with little control and prevention measures yet in place to effectively counter it in this country. Most of the medical community concurs, so I'm not simply coming up with this concern in a vacuum.
But in all honesty the bulk of the feeling was... more "selfish"...
It stemmed from not wanting to "go back".
To go back to most time of every day being spent away from and more out of touch with my life partner, because that is what is "normal" in how our society operates.
To go back to leaving my pets home, EVERY day, just waiting on us to return because we are so much the main joy in their lives.
To go back to my time and days, EVERY day, having to be accounted for (usually ahead of time) by the hour and minute - waking, sleeping, working, eating, resting - by schedule.
To go back to the persistent mental noise of "and then the next thing, and then the next thing, and then the next!"
So that brings it too...
Metamorphosis - Or, "Where am I and where do I want to be?"
I can at least say I've been using the time to be doing some self and life scrutiny, and having some realizations as such.
Which does at least set the stage for some further metamorphosis, I hope.
What it will be in the long run is unclear at this time... but the quest has begun!
(Or I should say, it continues - for indeed it began when I was but a child first exercising free will.)
The snippet realizations I have had thus far are mostly sporadic, disjointed, imagery-centric.
That is because it is like the first pieces of a puzzle in view, waiting to be assembled.
So far it contains something of the following:
- Quiet life.
- Less "dictating" of time.
- More nature. More plants. More relationship with both.
- More time to and/or energy for cooking.
- More "hearth" in homestead. (Metaphorical symbolism for warming, inviting, welcoming place.)
- More passive income instead of active. Let the "active" be in more giving and sharing free flow uses of time.
...And what to "do"?
The shop has been just a start.
The shop is an intermediary.
I've been trying to think of how it will grow, and where it may have any metamorphosis as well.
In general it seems the more that a business/operation can be multifaceted, and at least possess some "essential" components or service, the better for it's over all longevity and ability to serve a purpose.
I appreciate community.
I believe connection as such is important.
I've been demonstrating and proving that I am good at helping to "build" it - assisting in and/or facilitating its coalescing.
But I (still) really don't care to be a highly "social"/"busy" person... which is something this "staying at home" has shown (reminded) me.
I'm content to mostly operate "behind the scenes" so long as its on my own terms.
Since I have some luxury to create my space right now, with this shop/business, towards my own aims, (because it is MY time being spent after all...) then what more could that look like?
Some initial thoughts: Hosting classes and planning events in more things that I want to learn, and/or enjoy sharing, so it is skills gained or applied in a bigger sense than just "the shop". Being more informal with some regular gatherings for sparking creativity and just "hanging out" - such as Tracee's "Tea Talks" suggestion - could help with less "planning" pressure and more approach-ability for others. Changing business hours somehow to allow for more home time and/or more "outside" time. Eventually being able to hire an employee, even just part time, to allow for furthering my own home time and "outside" time. Broadening perspective in retail beyond mostly supplements? Find alternative streams of income (e.g. A book being published? A product developed?) to loosen obligation pressure in other endeavors.
What if "profit" didn't matter and money was no object?
Then what might it look like?
Some initial thoughts: All of what is in aforementioned thoughts. Plus - Possibly a different venue/space, one with more parking and outside community area. Broadening perspective in retail beyond mostly supplements - more local, more sustainable and ethically made, more homesteading goods? ...Or maybe no "retail" at all? More "giving", more "donation" based. Getting further educational training in herbs - hands on as well as distance learning - and then maybe making my own things to sell and/or doing more personal, detailed consultations for people by appointment.
What if "catering" to others didn't matter - in the sense of "normal" business protocol?
Then what would it look like?
Some initial thoughts: All of what is in aforementioned thoughts. Plus - Time further spent according to my own aims, i.e. not merely according to "set" hours. Less or no concern of finding how all plans must tie in to "wellness" theme in a way that makes sense to the "average audience/customer" - i.e. "marketing" even more for what I want and like to attract, my vision. (Gotta get clearer about vision!)
This is all still just a rudimentary scratching the surface of this next phase in fleshing out the vision for my life... I felt the need to type it out to assist in my brain working it out.
[Edit: P.S. Upon clicking to post this and seeing it on the finished screen, I see it isn't very long. Not as long as it felt like when typing it all up. Not as long as I thought, compared to how long it took to get it all typed up! (Nearly 3 hours!?) ...This isnt the first thing in this past month+ that such has occurred. Apparently even my turning thoughts into words put down in some form, is moving in Snail Time as well, which is unusual for me.]
Current status?
Same as most everyone right now: Under "Stay at Home", Self Isolation, "Social Distancing", Quarantine orders as the Covid-19 Coronavirus spreads around the globe.
So far its a bit of nod to "a boring dystopia" - in that we're not handling and/or fixing things as well as we really could be. But its also not "as bad" as the worst, overly dramaticized, hollywood, armageddon/zombie-pandemic flick would have amped people up to believe.
This new pattern that has been adapted into the days (and pattern is a word I'm using VERY loosely here), is something I've been trying to suss out my thoughts and feelings on since it all started a little over a month ago. Of course I've read so many other's thoughts and feelings about it over this period of time. Usually I'm at least empathetic enough that I find something I can related to therein. But nothing has quite summed it up for me it seems, so I'm trying to work that out now for my mind's sake.
First of all, Time.
Days bleed into one another. A month simultaneously crawls and flies by.
In some respects I'm no stranger to the blur because the first half of my life was mostly that of being an introverted homeschooler.
Yes, I can be at home in this.
Not accounting for time feels more natural to me.
...Or a least not HAVING to doggedly, out of obligation, account for it.
Certainly it takes some sensations of "pressure" off of my otherwise normally planning mind-state - always thinking of "and then the next thing, and then the next thing!"
That being said, the pressure isn't wholly gone, it's just been amalgamated into a different sort that wonders whether I should actually be thinking more like, "and then the next thing, and then the next thing!" than I currently am? ...While also having to admit to myself that I really just don't want to.
So secondly, Ambition.
Recurring thoughts of "Am I lazier than I want to admit even to myself? Is that more my true and desired default nature?"
I read plenty of things talking about how psychologically and physically processing discord, trauma, change, extreme events such as what is impacting the world right now, can in fact lead people to sort of "shut down" in a way... and all say that is a normal response for some people, and therefore it is ok.
And I have had - at least earlier on in this great unknown - some occasional moments of panic, thoughts
running away with me, even leading to a couple instances of psychosomatic sensations I had to work to talk myself back out of.
But my processing about this whole situation largely has NOT been what I've observed more predominantly in numbers of others - neither on the fearful/panic side, the overly watchful side, the take-it-on-the-chin side, the denial side, the get busy/stay busy side, the "helper" side, the hopeful/cheerleader side etc...
None of it quite captures wherever it is I'm finding myself.
Side note: I am aware that I'm fortunate in having managed to be in a living situation at present, which has privileged me with not needing to worry as immediately about basic survival on a daily basis as many are. So I acknowledge there is luxury even in getting to reflect on any of this to such a capacity! But I owe no apologies for that - my chips fell as they did through the ongoing process of life's work at living, and what myself and family have just managed to eke out in all of it. And I am very grateful for it.
...I have kicked myself a bit for not "making more of" this time in ways I know I could...
But the moment those thoughts sneak in I'm also quick to shoot back at them a strong self-reminder - along the lines of, "Everything in its own time! Don't rush, push, force anything. There is no NEED! Instead, work with desire, and work with joy."
So rather than lazy, does this just make me "slowly ambitious"?
I've said to people "I'm moving on snail time during this pandemic".
I attach no bad or good to that, it just is what it is.
I do feel a bit disconnected in a way.
But not in a lost and lonely way... because I don't find that I'm merely "trying to get through this".
So I suppose I may be no more disconnected than I normally am, because I normally don't prefer most of the machinations of what is supposed to constitute "normal society" anyhow.
So the "disconnect" I have now is more from not feeling the mourning that many others feel.
I feel mourning for the lives lost, absolutely.
I feel mourning even more so for how much maybe could have been prevented with better planning and organization, and better leaders at the helm.
I feel mourning for everyone struggling to get by right now, and those who already had to struggle more and so now are having to struggle twice as hard.
Mainly mourning the state of the world's many inequities that amplify all of the above!
...But I also know I HAVE to let go all of that which is beyond my own control.
What I am not mourning is some "every day life" being suspended.
In fact my most recent and strong surge of stress in any of this, was when my mother in law was discussing with me the plans now laid for states to slowly start "opening back up".
Why?
Why did I suddenly feel so much upset inside of me about that?
Some little bit of it was the feeling that the risks inherent with this disease are still too great, with little control and prevention measures yet in place to effectively counter it in this country. Most of the medical community concurs, so I'm not simply coming up with this concern in a vacuum.
But in all honesty the bulk of the feeling was... more "selfish"...
It stemmed from not wanting to "go back".
To go back to most time of every day being spent away from and more out of touch with my life partner, because that is what is "normal" in how our society operates.
To go back to leaving my pets home, EVERY day, just waiting on us to return because we are so much the main joy in their lives.
To go back to my time and days, EVERY day, having to be accounted for (usually ahead of time) by the hour and minute - waking, sleeping, working, eating, resting - by schedule.
To go back to the persistent mental noise of "and then the next thing, and then the next thing, and then the next!"
So that brings it too...
Metamorphosis - Or, "Where am I and where do I want to be?"
I can at least say I've been using the time to be doing some self and life scrutiny, and having some realizations as such.
Which does at least set the stage for some further metamorphosis, I hope.
What it will be in the long run is unclear at this time... but the quest has begun!
(Or I should say, it continues - for indeed it began when I was but a child first exercising free will.)
The snippet realizations I have had thus far are mostly sporadic, disjointed, imagery-centric.
That is because it is like the first pieces of a puzzle in view, waiting to be assembled.
So far it contains something of the following:
- Quiet life.
- Less "dictating" of time.
- More nature. More plants. More relationship with both.
- More time to and/or energy for cooking.
- More "hearth" in homestead. (Metaphorical symbolism for warming, inviting, welcoming place.)
- More passive income instead of active. Let the "active" be in more giving and sharing free flow uses of time.
...And what to "do"?
The shop has been just a start.
The shop is an intermediary.
I've been trying to think of how it will grow, and where it may have any metamorphosis as well.
In general it seems the more that a business/operation can be multifaceted, and at least possess some "essential" components or service, the better for it's over all longevity and ability to serve a purpose.
I appreciate community.
I believe connection as such is important.
I've been demonstrating and proving that I am good at helping to "build" it - assisting in and/or facilitating its coalescing.
But I (still) really don't care to be a highly "social"/"busy" person... which is something this "staying at home" has shown (reminded) me.
I'm content to mostly operate "behind the scenes" so long as its on my own terms.
Since I have some luxury to create my space right now, with this shop/business, towards my own aims, (because it is MY time being spent after all...) then what more could that look like?
Some initial thoughts: Hosting classes and planning events in more things that I want to learn, and/or enjoy sharing, so it is skills gained or applied in a bigger sense than just "the shop". Being more informal with some regular gatherings for sparking creativity and just "hanging out" - such as Tracee's "Tea Talks" suggestion - could help with less "planning" pressure and more approach-ability for others. Changing business hours somehow to allow for more home time and/or more "outside" time. Eventually being able to hire an employee, even just part time, to allow for furthering my own home time and "outside" time. Broadening perspective in retail beyond mostly supplements? Find alternative streams of income (e.g. A book being published? A product developed?) to loosen obligation pressure in other endeavors.
What if "profit" didn't matter and money was no object?
Then what might it look like?
Some initial thoughts: All of what is in aforementioned thoughts. Plus - Possibly a different venue/space, one with more parking and outside community area. Broadening perspective in retail beyond mostly supplements - more local, more sustainable and ethically made, more homesteading goods? ...Or maybe no "retail" at all? More "giving", more "donation" based. Getting further educational training in herbs - hands on as well as distance learning - and then maybe making my own things to sell and/or doing more personal, detailed consultations for people by appointment.
What if "catering" to others didn't matter - in the sense of "normal" business protocol?
Then what would it look like?
Some initial thoughts: All of what is in aforementioned thoughts. Plus - Time further spent according to my own aims, i.e. not merely according to "set" hours. Less or no concern of finding how all plans must tie in to "wellness" theme in a way that makes sense to the "average audience/customer" - i.e. "marketing" even more for what I want and like to attract, my vision. (Gotta get clearer about vision!)
This is all still just a rudimentary scratching the surface of this next phase in fleshing out the vision for my life... I felt the need to type it out to assist in my brain working it out.
[Edit: P.S. Upon clicking to post this and seeing it on the finished screen, I see it isn't very long. Not as long as it felt like when typing it all up. Not as long as I thought, compared to how long it took to get it all typed up! (Nearly 3 hours!?) ...This isnt the first thing in this past month+ that such has occurred. Apparently even my turning thoughts into words put down in some form, is moving in Snail Time as well, which is unusual for me.]